There’s been a lot of discussion about society, culture, etc, but to complete the picture, I think much of our behaviors and attitudes stem from our biology and evolution. The premise is that breeding is a game, and you win the game by leaving behind as many descendants as possible. Women and men have competing tactics. Women want a man to provide for the child she might bring into the world. There is absolutely no doubt about the parentage of the child she bears. The child WILL have her genes. The man always have to worry about whether his children are really his. Also, at the same time, it is in his best interest to seek extramarital sex. This creates an assymetry where men feel threatened at any thought of his mate having sex with any other man. Women tend to feel threatened at the thought of a man having emotional bonds to another woman, thereby losing a provider. I know all this sounds unPC in this day and age when women work and are independent, but 5 million years of biology is much stronger than societal training, I’m afraid.
Hi Michelle,
I agree with you, it isn’t all about sex. I was very happy in my last relationship, and was genuinely in love with my girlfriend, we had sex every day, it was important to her but not to me. She had to have sex atleast twice a day. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as if I don’t like it, but sometimes just not in the mood.
By the way where are you from, uk or USA?
Mark - US, western New York to be exact.
It’s a shame your so far away
A girlfriend/ wife you’re not having sex with is just a friend.
The decision has to be mutual. i was in a relationship where she wanted to wait and I didn’t. While I respected her position, she admitted it was about her fear of getting hurt. Relationships involve emotional risk: a fear based approach to relationships prevents the development of intimacy. I want emotional closeness and sex. One without the other is insufficient…
I try to make it a point to REALLY get to know the woman I’m interested in before we date; talking on the phone, exchanging e-mails, etc. If two people click intellectually, the odds are, they’ll click physically. For example, the girl I’m seeing now hadn’t had sex in a year and a half because she wasn’t happy with previous boyfriends. We had sex on our first date. That first date had over 40 hours of telephone conversations and dozens of e-mails before it happened. The secret to getting into any girl’s panties is to make her believe you care about her as a person, not just as a piece of ass. Consequently, I try not to date women I can’t respect and care about as a person. Sure, I’ve dated the occasional stripper, but that was just in between dry spells of women I could relate to.
As for requiring sex? If she’s a virgin, I might consider waiting, if EVERYTHING else was perfect. But if she’s fucked other guys and just won’t put out for me? Well, then I’m obviously not the right guy for her, and therefore, she’s not the right girl for me.
The longest I ever waited was a month and a day, the shortest was 2 hours.
I know a woman that is doing that now. We talk on-line and she says that guys don’t wait around because she’s holding off till marriage (she was married before and doesn’t want anything unless it’s serious). If I was closer to her (I’m in NY, she’s in TX) I would wait for her. She’s beautiful, smart as hell, funny, christian (important to me), and definite T-vixen in the making. Sure, sex is important, but if she’s worth it and you’re in it for the long haul, I’d wait. There’s always self love.