Self Written Poetry Thread

Off Topic
1

A poem that I wrote after a break up… I’m laughing at it now because in retrospect everything seems rather silly but I think it captures that emotion quite well. Any fans of poetry? Critique it? I’d rather not have the “your a homo” comment but I know it will come and that’s ok too lol.

Memories melt and collude as brain cells decay
and in the lost abiss, time dismissed and feelings went astray
And in that moment, singular time, we slipped to pure dismay
you and i, as we collide - fire to melt away my fears
but as it dies our fuel supplies burn into carcinogenesis lies;
romance dies and drowns away, submerging in my tears today
yet sentiments of of your return keep me with my ears - to the phone.

bedside my bed waiting for your call - to no avail.
i tried texting and calling, but you never got the voicemail.
And i don’t think reconciliation is within reach -
you left me here, tears on cheeks, knees on concrete
but my heart seems to have sunkin into an abyss
peering out the darkness for a chance at your kiss
if i find, it i’m taking it - call me a theif
but if its within reach, i don’t think i can stomach defeat.
No walmart 150 fine detriment, no hidden door meetings
this is my honest call for help, but ignore me;
i want you for yourself.

YEA SON! THAT’S HOW ULTRA MASCULINE I AM! I CAN WRITE SOME SHIT LIKE THAT AND STILL BE FUCKING HARD AS BEDROCK!(mandatory posturing over)

Anyway, any real men out there that enjoy writing I would love to hear some poetry as well.

2

There was once a man from Nantucket
Who once did stand up and say “Fuck it”
He hopped in his car
Drove down to the bar
And drank til he puked in a bucket

Not much but that’s all I can come up with off the top of my head. I like limericks.

3

I wrote this a while ago.

Angry at you for always tempting fate
Angry at you for not giving a fuck, until it was too late.

Angry at you for creating an atmosphere of fear
Even when you were far away, and not near.

Angry at you because you were angry all the time
Even when all I did was bring the temperature down below fine.

Angry at you for trying to take advantage of me like you did
Even though I was just a little kid.

Angry at you for throwing that game in my face
Even though all I did was make an honest mistake.

Angry at you for frightening the fight out of me
Because when I needed it the most, it was not there for me.

Angry at you for not looking at me, the way I looked at you
Angry at you for acting like you didn’t have a clue.

Angry at you for acting the way you did that fall
Angry at you for making me wish, that I had never met you at all.

Angry at you for ripping my heart without a stitch
Angry at you for being such a BITCH

Angry at you for knowing things for what they were
Angry at you for not knowing that things could be the way they are.

I am angry, so very angry at you
But I won’t say anything, 'cause it wouldn’t be of any use, to me or you.

And as much as I would like to say…FUCK YOU
All I can say is…thank you.

4

Ripped fury, some of ur lines are really funny. Reminds me of a metal song. Deorum I agree I hate the machismo bullshit out there that discourages being artistic; why not just drink beer and objectify women and laugh at fags all day? However I think most people who are TRULY strong, the guys who can deadlift 500 or who’ve accomplished great things (or are trying too), will respect artistic creation.

Never let a hater get you down and honestly theyre just sort of funny, cuz anyone who is actually like that is just insecure and probably an utterly worthless human. I work at a gym so I understand how much of a tool a person can be and am an artist myself (I wrote like, 3 albums, breh’, and am trying to form a band) AND can deadlift more (365lb.s) than the douchebags who smirk at me (I HATE those smirks…u know what I mean).

Youre stuff isn’t bad…there are a few typos, but it’s good to find a constructive way to let all that anger and sadness out. U trying to make a future in an artistic endeavor? Cuz that’d be bomb, bro! Anyway I don’t wanna post any of my stuff yet cuz its all related to music that Im keeping to myself but I’ll post sumthin’ later.

If any1 wants to listen to some waaay rough shit (no drums/bass) by me just go to myspace.com/xpatriot. Anyway man, keep on writing and lifting. Join the warrior poet way of life.

5

[quote]Ripped Fury wrote:
I wrote this a while ago.

Angry at you for always tempting fate
Angry at you for not giving a fuck, until it was too late.

Angry at you for creating an atmosphere or fear
Even when you were far away, and not near.

Angry at you because you were angry all the time
Even when all I did was bring the temperature down below fine.

Angry at you for trying to take advantage of me like you did
Even though I was just a little kid.

Angry at you for throwing that game in my face
Even though all I did was make an honest mistake.

Angry at you for frightening the fight out of me
Because when I needed it the most, it was not there for me.

Angry at you for not looking at me, the way I looked at you
Angry at you for acting like you didn’t have a clue.

Angry at you for acting the way you did that fall
Angry at you for making me wish, that I had never met you at all.

Angry at you for ripping my heart without a stitch
Angry at you for being such a BITCH

Angry at you for knowing things for what they were
Angry at you for not knowing that things could be the way they are.

I am angry, so very angry at you
But I won’t say anything, 'cause it wouldn’t be of any use, to me or you.

And as much as I would like to say…FUCK YOU
All I can say is…thank you.[/quote]

Wow that ending was real as fuck. Swag.

6

[quote]Jordan Valencia wrote:
Ripped fury, some of ur lines are really funny. Reminds me of a metal song. Deorum I agree I hate the machismo bullshit out there that discourages being artistic; why not just drink beer and objectify women and laugh at fags all day? However I think most people who are TRULY strong, the guys who can deadlift 500 or who’ve accomplished great things (or are trying too), will respect artistic creation. Never let a hater get you down and honestly theyre just sort of funny, cuz anyone who is actually like that is just insecure and probably an utterly worthless human. I work at a gym so I understand how much of a tool a person can be and am an artist myself (I wrote like, 3 albums, breh’, and am trying to form a band) AND can deadlift more (365lb.s) than the douchebags who smirk at me (I HATE those smirks…u know what I mean). Youre stuff isn’t bad…there are a few typos, but it’s good to find a constructive way to let all that anger and sadness out. U trying to make a future in an artistic endeavor? Cuz that’d be bomb, bro! Anyway I don’t wanna post any of my stuff yet cuz its all related to music that Im keeping to myself but I’ll post sumthin’ later. If any1 wants to listen to some waaay rough shit (no drums/bass) by me just go to myspace.com/xpatriot. Anyway man, keep on writing and lifting. Join the warrior poet way of life. [/quote]

I dabble in the making of some Hippity-Hop music. I appreciate just about any genre of music. I wrote that in notepad very quickly though and the only editing I did to it was here in the thread lol.

I just checked out your page I do like your music for its rough face value. I’d love to hear it with a drummer and bassist. Some interesting riffs and song structure. I have a huge passion for metal, mostly prog-metal, myself.

7

Awesome thanks man. Good luck with your hippity hop. Yeah my stuff is def prog metal type, but I have some stuff now thats straight rock opera it tells a story and everything. I need the band right now Im working some shit out but I’ll get to that soon enough. I’ll also get some new finished tracks broadcasted somewhere online, idk myspace is practically dead…anyway.

Oh, and Nine Inch Nails/Trent Reznor is the bombest shit ever and if I somehow collab’d with him I could die happy. Anyway Im tired and dont know wtf Im even typing, but my guitar was being a bitch to me so Im going to write lyrics in its honor

You’re being such a worthless WHORE!
I gave you all the shred you’d ever want, and MORE!
Don’t turn you’re back on me, I wont be IGNORED! (k that was linkin park. 8th grade memories…)
You’re input jack, is all f**ing whack
You’re smoking crack…
But you said goodbye, I said Im sorry
I told you u were the only guitar for me…
Even though its cuz I don’t wanna spend the money for another one!

8

[quote]Deorum wrote:
[… I wrote that in notepad very quickly though and the only editing I did to it was here in the thread lol… [/quote]

Hey, Deorum, that’s the impression i got, that it was written a tad quickly. It reads like a first draft.
Look, if you want to improve this poem, firstly tidy up the spelling, editing and tenses - for the sake of readability. Then - and i hope this isn’t painful - try to work out what you want to actually say. It’s a little incoherent at the moment though…of course you may want it to be! :wink:

There are some great lines in there and it’s quite moving. It can make a good spoken word piece too the way it is, it could be pretty powerful if you read it with strong emotion.
Sometimes when i write a poem it comes out complete.This one doesn’t give me that feeling though, I think it need a little something.
You might need to wait a few weeks or a day to let the words/feelings/ emphasis “settle” in you and then tighten it up. It depends how strongly you feel about it…

if you do want to refine it further, think about its
-tone - are you regretful? confused?
-time/setting - do you want it to seem that you’re writing over several days? different times? (the past and the future/ the past and the present)
-Emotional focus: Is it about you and your feelings or do you want to give us an impression of the other person too? Or is it all about your feelings and the other person can remain a little ghostly.

  • is it something to be read by people on paper/screen or spoken as arant/epitaph of a relationship?
    -rhetorical focus - are you - the speaker in the poem - talking to the person? To us? To yourself? So far it reads like an internal burst directed at her memory, that’s what I’m getting.

Just some things to think about. This stuff is a little on my mind at the moment, preparing for a reading later this year. :slight_smile:

You might not want to alter this at all of course! Up to you!

9

TOGETHER APART

Beginning, divided
In the blink of an eyelid
The question: commitment
We two are an island
Attached at the seam
And places unseen
Twisting, tumultuous passion
Serene

10

SILENCE

I hate your silence
It leaves me cold.
How long before this thing grows old?

I hate your silence
I hate your tone.
Though you’re before me, I feel alone.

I hate your silence
It’s loud and clear.
From your sealed lips into my ear.

I hate your silence
I hear your heart.
This aural violence tears me apart.

I hate your silence
Can’t hear a thing.
Sometimes your silence is deafening.

I hate your silence
It’s quiet cruelty.
And now I ask, do you hear me?

11

MAN OF MEASURE

I wanna shout ‘movie’ at a crowded fire
Shoot a blank from the gun-for-hire.
Make my mark, after dark
Drink black water from a junkyard tire.

Better head for the hills have eyes
Buy some stock for my alibis
Take a stance, I can’t dance
Make this matter 'cuz it’s just my size.

Will you cry when the mourning comes?
Left a loan for the lonely ones
Faking pleasure, man of measure
Standing daughters versus setting sons.

I’m gonna paint the west wind blue
Short on cash, but long overdue
Coining phrases, burning pages
Looks like Bradbury’s words ring true.

12

Not like a night terror
Insomnia strikes, a nocturnal error
Brain chemistry out of whack it may be
Or some external force driving me crazy
Rambling poetry comes out of me as I unfocus
Unconcentrated flow like hocus pocus
Magic envelopes me, pushes me forward
Tells me to take it easy or to go on hard
As I feel it climb from my soles on up
I take myself out of the equation so as not to interrupt
Inspired creativity captured on the page I see
Intriguing rhymes and complex schemes unintended symmetry
A flow so neat and versatile, useful
Straight from the universe a cosmic push and pull
Iâ??m more like a chisel than the sculpting man
Just a cog in the wheel of an overarching plan
So my rhymes like innocent crimes seem to terrorize
But with a fresh perspective you must see with new eyes
That my lyrical tapestry is a majestic vision
And so it is to all who adjust their position
The words like mad birds flying back and forth
Me Iâ??m just a messenger for all that itâ??s worth

13

Thanks for posting everyone, it’s always interesting to read other peoples work!

Here’s something I wrote when I was in a deep depression when I was sick and hallucinating from a constant fever haha lovely huh

It’s raining again this pain Iâ??m in Iâ??ve grown so numb and still
I sit here on the floor in thought beneath the window sill
Father proud is screaming loud with violence to a whore
I hear his empty bottles fall but then thereâ??s always more.
Staring at this blackened thought which tears into my will
A plan to get this over with Iâ??m craving for the pill
Once it’s in my fights been won
Nothing to save me can be done.

My mind is lost in misery oh god I want that pill
I pop it in and cry it down
My mind has now gone still
But something strange happened to me
I hear a voice so pure…
â??You must come along with me there be a task you must endureâ??
Who are you? I ask aloud, in fear, with nothing in return.
I wait and wait forever but no answer can be heard
Then suddenly Iâ??m wisped away into a world unknown.
But strange it be familiar to me…is this the task Iâ??m shown?
I’m walking through a meadow there are flowers all around.
But nothing lies ahead of me my bodies hit the ground.

I’m laying here in agony, never to be found
But all the beauty surrounding me I feel at peace and sound
Thereâ??s something moving ahead of me, so I move towards it
I can’t see what it is but my curiosity has fooled my wit
â??HELLO!â?? I hear this voice again from just a moment ago.
Who are you? I ask with reply â??Youâ??re sure you do not know?â??
â??I am your thoughtsâ?? this creature says â??now come we must soon go.â??

â??I shall guide you through this wonderland of hellish fun delight!
Oh young one won’t you follow me thereâ??s fiends we must now fight!â??
I look ahead but feel unsure I see a land of cold
I see a darkened depth of sorts a fear of growing old
â??Be wary of what lies ahead for demons run at will
For if you let them get to you your spirit they will killâ??
Iâ??m terrified but canâ??t turn back my life had just begun
I wish this pill would just kill me now
Just let it all be done

14

The Spartans

Go tell the Spartans, Passerby,
That here, by Spartan law, we lie.
Like wounded lions, each man fought
And down Hades, each man brought
a thousand souls, at very least
Insuring that they’ll rest in peace.

If one could ask them, now it’s done
If they would like to see the sun
In unison, they would reply
the selfsame answer, they’d supply

We traded many years, you see
for a taste of immortality
and though beneath the ground we lie
no man who with us fought shall die
around the world our legends fly
across the gulf of space- and time.

15

Spinning, twisting orb cutting through the void:
we barnacles suckle its hull and invent for ourselves great fantasies

Achilles sailed for Troy:
a quivering pile of flesh errant in its insistence of its own significance

O Oedipus! kill Father Time and rape Mother Earth for they have conspired against you:
they have cast you in a great ballet to which no tickets will be sold

The habit and the labcoat and the three-piece suit and the loincloth and the Shroud of Turin:
threaded hospices; housing for the sick and dying as they hurdle toward the abyss

16

I wrote these two in another thread for Sensay’s kid.

The Face of Love by DB Cooper

I am the fingers 'round your throat
I am the fist that makes you choke
I am the cock deep inside you
I will squeeze you 'til you’re blue

I am the one who throws you down
You had better make no sound
I am the one who makes you cum
From me, you cannot run

I am your demon, I’m your God
If you can hear me, simply nod
I took the rag out of your mouth
On me you will go south

I am the drug pumped in your vein
Without me you’d go insane
I am the one who makes you scream
And you make my fangs gleam

I am your master, you’re my slave
There’s nothing left to save
I used you up just like your mother
I am your father and your lover

Amygdala by DB Cooper

I’m confused
I’m ambivalent
Sadness and Rage
My predicament

Fight or flight
Run or stay
Might makes right
Feet take me away

Throbbing and pulsing
With adrenaline and dopamine
Twisted and convulsing
In need of more ketamine

What shall I do
What shall I say
Black and blue
My face may

Bloodlust quenches me
I like to see it spilled
His knife shines before me
I may well get killed

My frontal bone is hard
And his face it will collapse
I’ll only be scarred
And the pain will surely pass

My fist is cocked and ready
I love meat and I’m hungry
My nerves are now steady
My options are many and sundry

I’m a loaded gun
But I have a conscience
Violence is fun
But so is calmness

He cuts my flesh
I’m on him fast
With a kick to the chest
Not long will he last

My teeth sink in
Quick and with grace
Is it a sin
To chew on his face

Cannibalism is In this year
And this you can quote
I’ve gone too far I fear
I should have just slit his motherfucking throat

17

[quote]DBCooper wrote:
I wrote these two in another thread for Sensay’s kid.

The Face of Love by DB Cooper

I am the fingers 'round your throat
I am the fist that makes you choke
I am the cock deep inside you
I will squeeze you 'til you’re blue

I am the one who throws you down
You had better make no sound
I am the one who makes you cum
From me, you cannot run

I am your demon, I’m your God
If you can hear me, simply nod
I took the rag out of your mouth
On me you will go south

I am the drug pumped in your vein
Without me you’d go insane
I am the one who makes you scream
And you make my fangs gleam

I am your master, you’re my slave
There’s nothing left to save
I used you up just like your mother
I am your father and your lover

Amygdala by DB Cooper

I’m confused
I’m ambivalent
Sadness and Rage
My predicament

Fight or flight
Run or stay
Might makes right
Feet take me away

Throbbing and pulsing
With adrenaline and dopamine
Twisted and convulsing
In need of more ketamine

What shall I do
What shall I say
Black and blue
My face may

Bloodlust quenches me
I like to see it spilled
His knife shines before me
I may well get killed

My frontal bone is hard
And his face it will collapse
I’ll only be scarred
And the pain will surely pass

My fist is cocked and ready
I love meat and I’m hungry
My nerves are now steady
My options are many and sundry

I’m a loaded gun
But I have a conscience
Violence is fun
But so is calmness

He cuts my flesh
I’m on him fast
With a kick to the chest
Not long will he last

My teeth sink in
Quick and with grace
Is it a sin
To chew on his face

Cannibalism is In this year
And this you can quote
I’ve gone too far I fear
I should have just slit his motherfucking throat
[/quote]

I only clicked on this thread because I saw you commented , you didn’t dissapoint lol. Poetry was never really pushed in the school’s I attended so it’s kinda lost on me sadly. I’m more a limerick guy…hinthint*

18

[quote]bond james bond wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:
I wrote these two in another thread for Sensay’s kid.

The Face of Love by DB Cooper

I am the fingers 'round your throat
I am the fist that makes you choke
I am the cock deep inside you
I will squeeze you 'til you’re blue

I am the one who throws you down
You had better make no sound
I am the one who makes you cum
From me, you cannot run

I am your demon, I’m your God
If you can hear me, simply nod
I took the rag out of your mouth
On me you will go south

I am the drug pumped in your vein
Without me you’d go insane
I am the one who makes you scream
And you make my fangs gleam

I am your master, you’re my slave
There’s nothing left to save
I used you up just like your mother
I am your father and your lover

Amygdala by DB Cooper

I’m confused
I’m ambivalent
Sadness and Rage
My predicament

Fight or flight
Run or stay
Might makes right
Feet take me away

Throbbing and pulsing
With adrenaline and dopamine
Twisted and convulsing
In need of more ketamine

What shall I do
What shall I say
Black and blue
My face may

Bloodlust quenches me
I like to see it spilled
His knife shines before me
I may well get killed

My frontal bone is hard
And his face it will collapse
I’ll only be scarred
And the pain will surely pass

My fist is cocked and ready
I love meat and I’m hungry
My nerves are now steady
My options are many and sundry

I’m a loaded gun
But I have a conscience
Violence is fun
But so is calmness

He cuts my flesh
I’m on him fast
With a kick to the chest
Not long will he last

My teeth sink in
Quick and with grace
Is it a sin
To chew on his face

Cannibalism is In this year
And this you can quote
I’ve gone too far I fear
I should have just slit his motherfucking throat
[/quote]

I only clicked on this thread because I saw you commented , you didn’t dissapoint lol. Poetry was never really pushed in the school’s I attended so it’s kinda lost on me sadly. I’m more a limerick guy…hinthint*

[/quote]

The mere sight of my name sucked you into this thread? I feel…important. Seriously though, I’m glad you liked them. Believe it or not, these are the first poems I’ve written in probably 15 years. I should write some more.

19

[quote]'nuffsaid wrote:

[quote]Deorum wrote:
[… I wrote that in notepad very quickly though and the only editing I did to it was here in the thread lol… [/quote]

Hey, Deorum, that’s the impression i got, that it was written a tad quickly. It reads like a first draft.
Look, if you want to improve this poem, firstly tidy up the spelling, editing and tenses - for the sake of readability. Then - and i hope this isn’t painful - try to work out what you want to actually say. It’s a little incoherent at the moment though…of course you may want it to be! :wink:

There are some great lines in there and it’s quite moving. It can make a good spoken word piece too the way it is, it could be pretty powerful if you read it with strong emotion.
Sometimes when i write a poem it comes out complete.This one doesn’t give me that feeling though, I think it need a little something.
You might need to wait a few weeks or a day to let the words/feelings/ emphasis “settle” in you and then tighten it up. It depends how strongly you feel about it…

if you do want to refine it further, think about its
-tone - are you regretful? confused?
-time/setting - do you want it to seem that you’re writing over several days? different times? (the past and the future/ the past and the present)
-Emotional focus: Is it about you and your feelings or do you want to give us an impression of the other person too? Or is it all about your feelings and the other person can remain a little ghostly.

  • is it something to be read by people on paper/screen or spoken as arant/epitaph of a relationship?
    -rhetorical focus - are you - the speaker in the poem - talking to the person? To us? To yourself? So far it reads like an internal burst directed at her memory, that’s what I’m getting.

Just some things to think about. This stuff is a little on my mind at the moment, preparing for a reading later this year. :slight_smile:

You might not want to alter this at all of course! Up to you![/quote]

My writing style is somewhat abstract. I think I get that from my musical influences. I guess in a very strange way, I would like the face value to remain somewhat “incoherent” to the general audience. I’m still taking in a lot of the other points though thank you for the critique - I really needed a critique like that.

20

I’ve never been one to talk a game and not play it… Here is a spoken word I just recorded. Please critique.