Nah I was mad last night. Just a lot of bitching about things I either can’t change or that I’m actively working on.
being on Seroquel is the worst because it fucks up your metabolism even if you do everything right, not to mention the carb cravings.
Still worth getting feedback maybe.
I appreciate your sentiment and thank you for sticking by my side all these years. I just wish posts actually deleted when you deleted them on the forums 
I’m embarrassed of the gigantic run on sentence I posted
Just deleted TikTok hopefully for good. This should spark a healing phase
Thats a good move. 
Don’t be. We’ve all been there, unfortunately.
Here’s another poem (poem? not sure if it actually is) I force fed my kids. We bought a house when they were little that when we first toured it had funny stuff on the walls behind the toilet that our previous owners put up for her (now grown) sons to look at when they peed. I thought it was a great idea, but I love inspirational stuff, so the Success poem was up for a couple of years, and so was this one, Desiderata, which was written by Ehrmann for (I think) his grandson. It’s very good advice, so I’m sharing it with you. If you hang it above your toilet, you should be able to recite it from memory in a couple of years, as my three sons can (but not my daughter, lol).
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
by Max Ehrmann ©1927
I also encourage you to check out this post, which I loved for its comparison to money and interest, which I think for you has always been pretty intuitive. Your decision to eliminate tiktok is a good example of a compounding-interest sort of thing. Snowball-y.
MONDAY – PUSH (Chest/Shoulders/Triceps)
Machine Chest Press – 4×8–10
190 x 10
195 x 10
190 x 10
190 x 10
Incline Dumbbell Press – 3×8–12
60 x 10
60 x 12
65 x 12
Seated Machine Shoulder Press – 3×6–10
110 x 10
110 x 10
110 x 10
Dumbbell Lateral Raises – 3×15–20
20 x 18
15 x 20
15 x 20
Pec Fly – 3×12–15
175 x 15
175 x 15
175 x 15
Rope Tricep Pushdown – 3×12–15
60 x 15
60 x 15
60 x 15
Dips – 40–60 reps
2 x 20
Pushups – 100 reps
2 x 50
45–60 min steady-state cardio
741 cal burned, HR between 130-135
Ab wheel 3 x 15
TUESDAY – PULL (Back/Biceps)
Chest-Supported Row Machine – 4×8–12 (Hammer Strength)
Three plates and a quarter x 2 x 12
Four plates each side for 9.5 reps
Three plates and a 35 for 10
Lat Pulldown – 3×10
205 x 10
220 x 10
215 x 10
Seated Cable Row – 3×10–12
200 x 8 + 2
180 x 12
180 x 12
Machine Rear Delts – 3×15
100 x 15
85 x 15
85 x 15
DB Hammer Curls – 3×10–12
50 x 12
45 x 12
45 x 12
Cable Curls – 3×12–15
52.5 x 12
52.5 x 12
47.5 x 15
Pull-Ups – 40–60 reps
45–60 min steady-state cardio
780 cal burned
I read this and it ruined my afternoon going thru the comments
I genuinely cannot fathom why anybody would want to commit to marriage knowing this is how it could end up. I feel like a lot of people think they find the one but their perspectives are soon changed, myself included.
edit to include I know this is not relevant at all to training. But I think I need to delete all social media so I’m not continuously exposed to this hopeless content that’s designed to make you hate yourself and the world around you.
Thats a good idea. First your browsing habits feed the algorithm. Then the algorithm feeds the browsing habits.
Its a lot like drugs. You start out doing drugs. You end up with the drugs doing you.
WEDNESDAY – LEGS (Spine-Safe)
full ROM Leg Press – 4×10–15
2 plates + quarter x 15
2 plates + quarter x 15
3 plates x 15
3 plates and a quarter x 15
Leg Extension – 3×12–15
180 x 15
180 x 15
180 x 15
Seated Leg Curl – 3×10–15
140 x 15
150 x 15
160 x 15
Dumbbell Bulgarian Split Squat – 3×8 each leg
Sub for hack squat
135 x 3 x 8
Standing Calf Raise – 3×15–20
120 x 15
120 x 10 / 100 x 5
100 x 15
Ab Wheel – 3×8–12
3 x 15
Cable Crunch – 3×12–15
70 x 15
90 x 15
110 x 15
40–45 min steady-state cardio
Going to the gym makes me agitated I wish I could work out alone
THURSDAY – UPPER HYPERTROPHY
Machine Chest Press – 3×8–12
Hammer strength incline machine
2 plates x 12
2 plates + 10 for 12
2 plates and a quarter x 8
Chest-Supported Row Machine (seal row) – 3×10–12
One plate x 10
35 plate x 12
35 + 5 x 10
Dumbbell Lateral Raises – 3×15–20
17.5 x 20
15 x 20
10 x 20
Machine Rear Delts – 3×12–15
105 x 15
115 x 13 + 110 x 2
110 x 15
Cable Upright Row – 3×12
200 x 12
200 x 12
200 x 12
Rope Tricep Extension – 3×12–15
200 x 15
200 x 15
200 x 15
Cable Curls – 3×12–15
230 x 15
230 x 15
220 x 15
Pull-Ups – 20–30 reps
1 x 15
1 x 13 + 2
Pushups – 50–100 reps
2 x 50
60 min steady-state cardio
FRIDAY – CONDITIONING + ARMS
Pull-Ups – 30–40 reps
1 x 15
1 x 10 + 5 alternated grip
1 x 10
Dips – 40–50 reps
3 x 15 + 5
Pushups – 80–120 reps
2 X 50
1 x 20
Seated Dumbbell Curls – 3×10
40 x 10
35 x 10
35 x 10
Tricep Rope Pushdown – 3×12
70 x 5 + 50 x 8
50 x 12
50 x 12
Preacher Curl Machine – 3×10
60 x 7 + 55 x 3
Sub for standing ez bar curl
90 x 10
Back to preacher curl
52.5 x 9 + 1
Cable Overhead Tricep Extension – 3×12
Weird machine again with the mislabeled weights
Hanging Leg Raises – 3×10–15
1 x 12 + 3 (kept swinging)
1 x 12
1 x10 gym closed
Side Planks – 2×45 sec
45 min steady-state cardio
Today’s after cardio photo
Glad I integrated weights again
Walked 3.9 miles did 60 min on elliptical. Total 105-110 minutes of steady state Cardio.
Walked 7 miles yesterday. Today’s workout;
MONDAY – PUSH (Chest/Shoulders/Triceps)
Machine Chest Press – 4×8–10
190 x 10
190 x 10
180 x 10
190 x 10
Incline Dumbbell Press – 3×8–12
65 x 12
65 x 12
65 x 12
Seated Machine Shoulder Press – 3×6–10
110 x 8
110 x 11
110 x 9
Dumbbell Lateral Raises – 3×15–20
17.5 x 20
15 x 20
15 x 20
Cable Fly (high to low) – 3×12–15
32.5 lb each side x 15
32.5 lb each side x 13
32.5 lb each side x 14
Rope Tricep Pushdown – 3×12–15
57.5 x 4 + 52.5 x 10
52.5 x 13
47.5 x 15
Dips – 40–60 reps
15, 13, 12
Pushups – 100 reps
40, 38, 20
60 min steady-state cardio
I wish I still had the home Gym. Every time I go to the gym I leave feeling agitated enough to punch holes in the wall
TUESDAY – PULL (Back/Biceps)
Chest-Supported Row Machine – 4×8–12 (Hammer Strength)
Three plates and a quarter x 12
Three plates and a 35 for 2 x 12
Three plates and a quarter and a five x 12
Lat Pulldown – 3×10
205 x 9 + 1
195 x 10
215 x 10
Seated Cable Row – 3×10–12
180 x 10 + 2
180 x 14
180 x 12
Machine Rear Delts – 3×15
100 x 15
100 x 15
100 x 15
DB Hammer Curls – 3×10–12
50 x 12
45 x 12
45 x 12
Cable Curls – 3×12–15
52.5 x 15
52.5 x 15
47.5 x 15
Pull-Ups – 40–60 reps
6 x 10
Had ketamine treatment this morning so couldn’t get my cardio in due to time issues
WEDNESDAY – LEGS (Spine-Safe)
Leg Press – 4×10–15
Four plates x 2 x 15
Five plates x 2 x 15
Leg Extension – 3×12–15
175 x 12 + 3
160 x 13 + 2
150 x 15
Lying Leg Curl – 3×10–15
80 x 15
95 x 15
90 x 10 + 85 x 5
Dumbbell Bulgarian Split Squat – 3×8 each leg
45 x 8
45 x 8
45 x 8
Standing Calf Raise – 3×15–20
170 x 10 + 150 x 5
150 x 15
150 x 15
Ab Wheel – 3×8–12
3 x 12
Cable Crunch – 3×12–15
97.5 x 3 x 15
60 min steady-state cardio
THURSDAY – UPPER HYPERTROPHY
Machine Chest Press – 3×8–12
180 x 12
180 x 12
180 x 10
Chest-Supported Row Machine (seal row) – 3×10–12
210 x 10
200 x 12
200 x 10
Dumbbell Lateral Raises – 3×15–20
17.5 x 20
15 x 20
12.5 x 20
Machine Rear Delts – 3×12–15
105 x 15
100 x 15
100 x 15
Cable Upright Row – 3×12
62.5 x 10
57.5 x 12
47.5 x 12
Rope Tricep Extension – 3×12–15
52.5 x 20
67.5 x 15
70.5 x 15
Cable Curls – 3×12–15
57.5 x 15
57.5 x 14
52.5 x 15
Pull-Ups – 20–30 reps
1 x 10, 10, 10
Pushups – 50–100 reps
2 x 50
60 min steady-state cardio
FRIDAY – CONDITIONING + ARMS
Pull-Ups – 30–40 reps
4 x 10
Dips – 40–50 reps
2 x 15 + 2 x 10
Pushups – 80–120 reps
2 X 50
1 x 20
Standing curl – 3×10
100 x 2 x 10
90 x 12
Tricep Rope Pushdown – 3×12
42.5 x 15
47.5 x 13
47.5 x 13
Preacher Curl Machine – 3×10
70 x 10
70 x 10
Cable Overhead Tricep Extension – 3×12
52.5 x 15
52.5 x 12
57.5 x 12
Hanging Leg Raises – 3×10–15
1 x 10
Sub for back supported leg raise
1 x 20, 25, 25, 20
Side Planks – 2×45 sec
70 min steady-state cardio
Saturday
90 minutes steady state cardio
starting Reta as soon as my BAC water comes in. Dropped to 213.6 and hoping I can get to 200 by mid-January. Can’t wait to get peeled. Somewhat worried about heart arrhythmia but also have propranolol on hand to lower my HR if needed. Honestly my vanity is overriding my concern for safety but I am doing this under the guidance of my coach and starting at 0.5/mg week. Hopefully I won’t even need to go up.