Sorry for your loss Chicken.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad’s passing was very similar to what you described… I remember that mixture of emotions quite well. Try to focus on the relief that she is no longer suffering. Also, focusing on training, getting back in the groove of life and the passage of time helped me a lot. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!
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I’m just catching up. Condolences to you and your family. God bless you all.
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Thank you
That’s what we are trying to do. Jed is going to go help me today. Luckily most of my peeps understand the situation.
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Thanks Crip
Just need to talk…
A friend text me when mom passed and said… her suffering is over and now mine begins.
I’m not sure how I feel about that. Daddy was sick for 13 years. Constant chaos. The constant pressure of having to drop everything and take him to the hospital, jumping and running, when he wanted something, listening to him fuss etc…
Then we had a couple of years of relative calm to pick up the pieces from that and the pandemic hit. Mom got super sick and we made through that but, she was never the same after that. Then this last year has been hard. Again in constant worry about her falling out, having a stroke etc…
I literally sleep with my phone waiting for the shoe to drop.
I loved my mom but she was not the easiest person to love. She was… uhmmm… difficult. I told everybody that the disease wasn’t what was going to do her in, it was her hardheaded, know it all, I don’t have to do what they said, attitude that was going to do her in. And, it did.
My friend’s comment has made me afraid, afraid of what is next.
Should I feel quilty for feeling like I have done my duty and can now relax for a while?
Is wrong for having that thought of " this is the first day of the rest of my life"? I just feel like the burden of it all has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel lighter than I have in years.
I know there will still be hardships, especially financial ones, I get it. But, surely I don’t need to be suffering?
Ugh…
I just want to be happy for a while and think about the furture. Think about things Jed and I can do. Think about simple things like decorating for Christmas without some black cloud hanging overhead. Time to wash my car without having to worry about rushing home because of some drama. To go sit down in a restaurant and eat without having to get it to go to rush home.
Damn it! I want to do these things guilt free! I stood my post, did my duty, I don’t want to be sad and suffering. I want to live a little.
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I went through a similar thing with my Dad a few years ago, my thoughts based on my own experience are below, hope they help.
“A friend text me when mom passed and said… her suffering is over and now mine begins.” I think your friend is only half right, no reason you should suffer.
“Should I feel quilty for feeling like I have done my duty and can now relax for a while?” No, you should know you did all you could and have earned every bit of relaxation you can find.
“Is wrong for having that thought of " this is the first day of the rest of my life”? I just feel like the burden of it all has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel lighter than I have in years." No, this is exactly how I felt and I believe it is only natural to feel this way.
“I know there will still be hardships, especially financial ones, I get it. But, surely I don’t need to be suffering?” You really, really don’t and shouldn’t.
I’m no expert on this but have been through similar, and will do again in the not too distant future and hope this helps.
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Thanks @Dresden
I’m sorry for your loss and sorry you will have to face it again. It is just so demanding.
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Thanks, it is demanding but I think looking after family is the most important and worthwhile thing we do.
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And you absolutely, 100% get to. I’m not sure what your friend’s experience was, but it was her own. People are so various in their orientations and behaviors and loves and hates. Perhaps your friend’s life was empty without the caregiving - that seems to be the case for many people.
My sister-in-law regretted retiring without giving more thought to part time or some such. She’s not entirely sedentary, but a walk-around-the-block kind of person. Her retirement had her getting up, drinking coffee with the TV, doing the walk around the block, and then…nothing. Her kids wound up using her as daycare, which she seemed okay-ish with, but still had no life really.
This may be your friend, you know? I work only three days a week and STILL don’t have time to do all the things I want to do. I love my work, but I think I’m going to be pretty busy in retirement, and also pretty shredded. Because I don’t have time to be as active as I’d like currently. I’m looking very forward to it. There are so many things I want to do, and I’m excited about my house being company-clean all the time without me having to find time for it. Not everyone thinks that’s living, but I kind of do. Same thing workouts. Not everyone thinks time for lifting and cardio and mobility drills is exciting. But I do. I want these things in addition to time to goof around online, arguing with the manosphere.
So don’t worry about what she said. You HAVE done what was asked and needed. You DO get to live a life centered on you and Jed now. You ARE allowed fun! If by fun we mean beating yourself up in the gym and all the other shenanigans you’d like to get up to.
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Thanks EmilyQ. I needed to hear this.
This! I’m sorry she feels that but… she don’t need to project that on me.
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Speaking of which, I need to go check how much propane I have for my gym heater. The mornings are finally cooling down here.
People often assume that their experience is what constitutes “regular.”
My kids were very relieved when they got to stop watching their difficult father die. Not that they didn’t grieve; they did. And in fact, are. My daughter just called, crying, from Texas, where she went to see her father’s family and sprinkle his ashes (Big Bend). My grandson is being a butthead and she can’t cope. I talked to him. We’ll see if it helps!
She’s the most sentimental of my kids, but even she was glad to resume normal life when it was over.
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Hopefully it will. It’s hard enough without somebody being a butthead.
Big Bend is beautiful! What a wonderful place to say goodbye.
There’s been tears, and I know there will be times it’s going hit me when I think of her or start cleaning things out. I just don’t want to “suffer” for however long somebody else seems necessary. I feel lighter than I have in years.
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I’m very glad! I don’t think they’re the correct lyrics, but I’ve always heard Dan Fogelberg’s Part of the Plan as saying “laugh if you can, cry if you have to, feel you must, that’s a part of the plan.” And I think it’s exactly right (in terms of message, if not what he actually said) (which it’s not at all according to the lyric thing I just checked but I don’t care - he should have written it the way I heard it because it’s so nice).
Light is fine. When moms say “I just want you to be happy,” they mean it in my experience. My kids don’t want to watch me suffer, and I don’t want to be my special inner asshole to them while they’re having to pick me up off the floor or clean up my messes. I’d be grateful if they felt okay after my death if it’s a long, hard one. I want them to remember the good stuff of me, and I think there’s plenty, but I’m okay with them being okay. I’ve raised them to be resilient and cheerful as best I could (given their dad was the world’s most pessimistic man) (I was going to save him from himself, lol) and so I expect them to be excellent supports (they were for their dad this summer) and then go back to laughter and hugging live people and enjoying food. I want them to play kickball without me and remember me then, not remember my awful dying process.
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Life is hard enough without feeling guilty for something you can’t change. Even if you could, the person who would care the most, besides yourself, isn’t there to appreciate it.
If her passing brought you relief, I am sure those that know you and the situation best, already know it. Whether they say it or not, I am sure they are glad she is in better place, and you will have an easier go at life as well.
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I am so sorry to hear this! Sending you so many hugs, prayers, and positive thoughts. I’m here if you just need someone to talk to too. Just hit me up, you don’t have to go through this alone! And here are some more hugs and prayers - just for good measure. 
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Thanks Shane!
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Thanks QuadQueen
Hopefully I will stop babbling and start lifting soon. Probably just need to go spend some time in my happy place (gym).
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