Right Way to Poop?

[quote]nolecat wrote:
I have never heard a hot girl squeak a trouser cough out in public, though. So, I am dying to hear of any funny stories. We need a separate bathroom humor thread.[/quote]

I’ve got a good story for ya–although you can’t really classify it as bathroom humor per say. Me and my ex were driving home to spend Thanksgiving with my 'rents, hit a major traffic jam that made our normal drive time of 3 hours turn into 8. Mind you, I have to pee like every 1/2 hour (I drink 2 gallons of water a day) and I had to go BAAAAAD. The rest area we stopped at was so crowded, it would’ve taken an hour just to get far enough in the line to even see the stalls in the bathroom.

So me being the impatient and irritated woman I am, me and another chick went out behind one of the buildings, squatted behind a skid, and did our business. It was priceless b/c my ex and her fiance were waiting for us to come back and had toilet paper in hand for us…even though we had already used ours. Damn the situations I’ve been put in!

[quote]nptitim wrote:
I am surprised no one mentioned this but you can tidy up (shave) the back door area a la Duece Bigalow and that will severly cut down on wipe time. Even just trimming with clippers works very well. As someone once alluded to, what’s easier, cleaning up dog crap off the carpet or off the kitchen floor?[/quote]

I was actually going to mention this until I came across your post. Some guys look down on shaving or trimming the ass crack, but it cuts down at least 50% of the wiping. Between shaving and the wet TP trick it typically takes only a minute or two to wipe.

What really got me is that I used the same analogy of dog shit on carpet or the kitchen tile to explain this to a friend a couple days ago.

JC

[quote]TACHICK wrote:
Hennes wrote:
And this one:

I’m never having kids![/quote]

Pregnant … not pregnant…

it’s a toughie

[quote]TACHICK wrote:
(I drink 2 gallons of water a day)[/quote]

Why? Did you have both kidneys removed?

To add to the thread itself; I’ve found it’s necessary to spread the cheeks as sitting to allow maximal voiding space. I’ve had some pretty messy poo’s not leave much mess with this method.

-Dan

[quote]nolecat wrote:
I have never heard a hot girl squeak a trouser cough out in public, though. So, I am dying to hear of any funny stories. We need a separate bathroom humor thread.[/quote]

Oh man, one of my best friends is a chronic farter and can let rip the loudest farts, so one day (ages ago when we were young) his sister was driving us somewhere and he lets out a huge trumpet in her car, and it stunk too. His sister had a sad and started yelling at him but then after about 5 mins she let out a silent but deadly and it was FUCKING deadly, 3 times as bad as my mates’ and wasnt in a hurry to leave as well!

My mate was blaming it on me saying that thats taking it way to far untill she started cracking up before saying take that, thats revenge bitch.

So what does my friend do, lets out another trumpet, and in reply his sister lets out another silent killer, and on it went!

Sooo funny at the time and luckly i was close to a window i could wind down


Captain Shit Stain!

I want to increase my fiber intake throughout the day like real PB laid out but I take alot of supps and fish oil, CLA, etc. I don’t want the extra fiber to suck up my supplements and potentially waste them…what would be a good strategy to take them? how long after taking supps, oils, fats, etc. should I wait to take fiber supps or eat high fiber foods?

[quote]realpeanutbutter wrote:
AgentOrange wrote:
I’m still waiting for realpeanutbutter to jump all over this thread…

It seems i’m a touch late to the seminar lads, my apologies. I’d say it’s a common problem because we’ve discussed it with another fourum member before. We got him to be in touch with his dukes, so too can you be.

I’m a fan of not carrying around aloe/baby/wet wipes. poeple start asking questions etc. Plus the cold wet feeling on ones ass can be… strange, and wet. just eat right to experience the euphoric, cleansing feeling of a solid, low-no wiper that floats (or doesn’t depending on your goals)

Instead you should examine your fiber intake. You will likely notice that either:

A) you don’t get enough (30+ g for athletes like us and big eaters)

B) you get it all at certain times.

By fiber i mean anything from veggies to benefiber to all bran buds. Now veggies are less than appetizing for most so we are less likely to get in our 8-10 serves per day. Even if we do you might notice that they are mostly at breakfast and dinner.

Even though you get enough fiber (theoretically) if it is in little bunches then you will have a greater variance of texture and “adhesiveness.”

So if clean textured, non-burning, low wipers are your goal then you should likely spread a large fiber amount (40+ g per day is good for big diets, an randomly selected rule of thumb seems to be about 10 g per 1000 calories. exceeding will yeild better results in most cases, depending on fiber sources.) evenly as possible over the whole day.

An example would be if you have five feedings per day then you should get fiber in every feeding. This basically translates into veggie/fruit servings every meal. If you are trying to eat 3 aples per day ah la Dr. Lowery then you should space those out. Also hit spinach at least once a day for worlds highest protein fiber source. You also have your oatmeal and berries, nuts and bran cereal. Fiber sources are every where. The key is to avoid meals like:

Pure steak and cheese
sausage by itself
basically anything without veggies

Constant fiber intake will lead to consistency in dookie texture. But there are other factors involved in good, nay, great poos.

High fat levels in any one perticular meal can cause a stickyness in the poopy. Try eating a pizza with spicy tandoori chicken and an assload of cheese. The next morning you may notice that you are shitting flaming glue (happened to me on sunday morning after UFC, test case yourself at your own risk. We all do the prison walk sometimes, right?). Unless your liver is a work horse fatty remenants can be found in your ‘moves.’ So unless you are on the AD avoid excessive amounts of fat in any one meal, spread it out. Love the fat, but not all at once (and maybe without jalepenos). Also, most of the AD guys eat spinach and fiber of all types like there is a prize for it. And they basically shit farm animals, ask 'em.

Another aspect of not only texture but consistency is protein intake. We are all on pretty high dead animal eating plans. This is good for us because it helps prevent liquid poos, “painting the bowl,” or “photo-finishing” as it were. Ask a vegetarian what their shit looks like, I bet on average it can not be described as, “solid.” But if your high protein intake is not matched by a high fiber intake then you will suffer unduly in the form of constipation. Have you ever had shit that felt as though it had sharp edges? That is a high PRO low fiber turd. This is what can give you the previously mentioned roids and prolapses (uuugh).

You may go home and take up the art of fine pooing and then PM me three weeks from now and say “Chris, the fuk? I did what you said and it still hurts. I’ve got more vasoline on my ass hole than a peg boy after a drinking game on a pirate ship.” And i will tell you that there is a good chance you have some type of allergie or intolerance. To figre this out either:

A) get a blood test

B) reduce your diet of most likely allergens (eg. milk, whey, casin, wheat, cheese, soy sauce, spicy shit etc.) and then reintroduce them one by one after a few weeks without to see if it is what you removed or not. Also, cheap whey can cause all kinds of bowel disfunctions in some people, shitty i know, pay up.

How the hell do i know (think i know) all this? It’s my sport and I’m good at it. I’ve entered a few “movement comps” and won everything from pride to some type of fancy bicycle from this bike shop in vancouver. I sold it because I’m not big into cycling, hurts my balls. It was apparently very nice because it easily paid for a semester of uni. Also, there are many aspects to the ‘art of movement’ that you can check out. Want to know how to drop the legendary “ghost poopy” or a strong “no-wiper?” It’s much more interesting than your think. It’s all about food in, poo out. No wipes needed. I use the cheapest TP money can buy, every day, and I shit about 3-5 times per day. No coffee and no fiber supps (although coffee is awesome at stimulating a “breech” if you are working on a goal poopy like the ‘ghost’ or ‘the navy diver’).

For me this is like meditation and stress management. It can be for you too. Asshole maintainence is important. Ask a guy who is 88 if his ass works like it did when he was 16. I want to be responsible for cleaning my ass until i die, unless of course I am paying for it, like with a hooker or something.

Anyhow off to hit the books, keep it real… real smooth, and hopefully floating.

-chris

[/quote]

Good fuking question. I’m pretty sure the oil/fat/lipid based ones you are fine with. the key is not to use grain fiber around supps, work on veggie fiber instead. veggie fiber has the best benefits anyhow. Eat your grain fiber (oats) around not supp time. If you drink enough water then the food you eat should be past your stomach and in your gut in no time so you can take your vitamins and shit. haven’t seen this thread in a minute, dang.

-chris

[quote]greekdawg wrote:
I want to increase my fiber intake throughout the day like real PB laid out but I take alot of supps and fish oil, CLA, etc. I don’t want the extra fiber to suck up my supplements and potentially waste them…what would be a good strategy to take them? how long after taking supps, oils, fats, etc. should I wait to take fiber supps or eat high fiber foods?

realpeanutbutter wrote:
AgentOrange wrote:
I’m still waiting for realpeanutbutter to jump all over this thread…

It seems i’m a touch late to the seminar lads, my apologies. I’d say it’s a common problem because we’ve discussed it with another fourum member before. We got him to be in touch with his dukes, so too can you be.

I’m a fan of not carrying around aloe/baby/wet wipes. poeple start asking questions etc. Plus the cold wet feeling on ones ass can be… strange, and wet. just eat right to experience the euphoric, cleansing feeling of a solid, low-no wiper that floats (or doesn’t depending on your goals)

Instead you should examine your fiber intake. You will likely notice that either:

A) you don’t get enough (30+ g for athletes like us and big eaters)

B) you get it all at certain times.

By fiber i mean anything from veggies to benefiber to all bran buds. Now veggies are less than appetizing for most so we are less likely to get in our 8-10 serves per day. Even if we do you might notice that they are mostly at breakfast and dinner.

Even though you get enough fiber (theoretically) if it is in little bunches then you will have a greater variance of texture and “adhesiveness.”

So if clean textured, non-burning, low wipers are your goal then you should likely spread a large fiber amount (40+ g per day is good for big diets, an randomly selected rule of thumb seems to be about 10 g per 1000 calories. exceeding will yeild better results in most cases, depending on fiber sources.) evenly as possible over the whole day.

An example would be if you have five feedings per day then you should get fiber in every feeding. This basically translates into veggie/fruit servings every meal. If you are trying to eat 3 aples per day ah la Dr. Lowery then you should space those out. Also hit spinach at least once a day for worlds highest protein fiber source. You also have your oatmeal and berries, nuts and bran cereal. Fiber sources are every where. The key is to avoid meals like:

Pure steak and cheese
sausage by itself
basically anything without veggies

Constant fiber intake will lead to consistency in dookie texture. But there are other factors involved in good, nay, great poos.

High fat levels in any one perticular meal can cause a stickyness in the poopy. Try eating a pizza with spicy tandoori chicken and an assload of cheese. The next morning you may notice that you are shitting flaming glue (happened to me on sunday morning after UFC, test case yourself at your own risk. We all do the prison walk sometimes, right?). Unless your liver is a work horse fatty remenants can be found in your ‘moves.’ So unless you are on the AD avoid excessive amounts of fat in any one meal, spread it out. Love the fat, but not all at once (and maybe without jalepenos). Also, most of the AD guys eat spinach and fiber of all types like there is a prize for it. And they basically shit farm animals, ask 'em.

Another aspect of not only texture but consistency is protein intake. We are all on pretty high dead animal eating plans. This is good for us because it helps prevent liquid poos, “painting the bowl,” or “photo-finishing” as it were. Ask a vegetarian what their shit looks like, I bet on average it can not be described as, “solid.” But if your high protein intake is not matched by a high fiber intake then you will suffer unduly in the form of constipation. Have you ever had shit that felt as though it had sharp edges? That is a high PRO low fiber turd. This is what can give you the previously mentioned roids and prolapses (uuugh).

You may go home and take up the art of fine pooing and then PM me three weeks from now and say “Chris, the fuk? I did what you said and it still hurts. I’ve got more vasoline on my ass hole than a peg boy after a drinking game on a pirate ship.” And i will tell you that there is a good chance you have some type of allergie or intolerance. To figre this out either:

A) get a blood test

B) reduce your diet of most likely allergens (eg. milk, whey, casin, wheat, cheese, soy sauce, spicy shit etc.) and then reintroduce them one by one after a few weeks without to see if it is what you removed or not. Also, cheap whey can cause all kinds of bowel disfunctions in some people, shitty i know, pay up.

How the hell do i know (think i know) all this? It’s my sport and I’m good at it. I’ve entered a few “movement comps” and won everything from pride to some type of fancy bicycle from this bike shop in vancouver. I sold it because I’m not big into cycling, hurts my balls. It was apparently very nice because it easily paid for a semester of uni. Also, there are many aspects to the ‘art of movement’ that you can check out. Want to know how to drop the legendary “ghost poopy” or a strong “no-wiper?” It’s much more interesting than your think. It’s all about food in, poo out. No wipes needed. I use the cheapest TP money can buy, every day, and I shit about 3-5 times per day. No coffee and no fiber supps (although coffee is awesome at stimulating a “breech” if you are working on a goal poopy like the ‘ghost’ or ‘the navy diver’).

For me this is like meditation and stress management. It can be for you too. Asshole maintainence is important. Ask a guy who is 88 if his ass works like it did when he was 16. I want to be responsible for cleaning my ass until i die, unless of course I am paying for it, like with a hooker or something.

Anyhow off to hit the books, keep it real… real smooth, and hopefully floating.

-chris

[/quote]

This whole women poop concept is going to give me nightmares. I’ve never had a lady do that around me. I’m assuming this is something they do once you’re married?

gotta agree with the fiber recomendations .

before I cleaned up the diet , I always took reading material along to the crapper . even refered to it as “goin’ to the libary” ; although it was anything but relaxing .

now that I regularly eat oatmeal , no more time to read . the act usually is a done deal within a minute . and the “length” is equally impressive…sometimes a quarter of it sticking up out of the water …hahahhaha…too much detail , I know . but I had to mention that .

and after a day or 2 ( I let things slide a bit on weekends) of eating not so good , I can definitely tell the difference .

and btw , oatmeal is my main source of fiber . dont like veggies . so it would seem that just adding oats may be something to consider for some folks

oh yeah…now a question.

someone mentioned floating .
is floating/sinking of any significance ?

May be helpful or just comical to read.
http://hometown.aol.com/nishigaki3/

[quote]marlboroman wrote:
oh yeah…now a question.

someone mentioned floating .
is floating/sinking of any significance ?[/quote]

depends on your goals etc.

usually floating means high in insoluable fiber. but this is only in the case of a unbroken log. If it’s in little bits and bites and some bits are floating and some bits are sinking then it may be a sign of unprocessed dietary fat. This can be a bad sign meaning you have a digestive issue or leaky gut syndrome and more. But if you ate a chinese buffet recently, and you don’t typically do that then you’re good.

-chris

I laughed so hard I shat myself.(j/k, but I did spray masticated almonds all over my computer screen).

In seeking The Ultimate Dump I have a few pearls of wizdom.

“The Dump is too great to be described ‘the dump’”

“the cause and effect are of the same thing”

Dao-yin (aka “reverse breathing”) meditation acts like a massage to the organs. Practice daily and concern not yourself with constipation.

Add a 2T of ground flax seed to your pancake mix and you will know regularity means. The effects are amplified if you top your pancakes with therealpeanutbutter.

im surprised CHEKonIT hasn’t blown his load all over this thread yet

I guess FECES really do MATTER in this world!

This thread is funnier than shit-literally and figuratively.

[quote]realpeanutbutter wrote:
marlboroman wrote:
oh yeah…now a question.

someone mentioned floating .
is floating/sinking of any significance ?

depends on your goals etc.
[/quote]
That really made me laugh. I don’t think floating/sinking was mentioned in the goals thread.

[quote]Scott aka Rice wrote:
realpeanutbutter wrote:
marlboroman wrote:
oh yeah…now a question.

someone mentioned floating .
is floating/sinking of any significance ?

depends on your goals etc.

That really made me laugh. I don’t think floating/sinking was mentioned in the goals thread.[/quote]

If you’re bulking, you want your shit to sink like the Titanic.

If you’re cutting, you seek the floater type.

[quote]Scott aka Rice wrote:
realpeanutbutter wrote:
marlboroman wrote:
oh yeah…now a question.

someone mentioned floating .
is floating/sinking of any significance ?

depends on your goals etc.

That really made me laugh. I don’t think floating/sinking was mentioned in the goals thread.[/quote]

For what it’s worth:

  1. Stick to a paleo diet, basically avoiding all processed food, and toilet paper will be obsolete (and so to wiping your ass).

I’m at a point where I wipe just for the sake of ritual.

  1. Regarding the “floaters vs sinkers” comment, I heard that “floaters” are do to a high dietary fat content. Take it for what it’s worth.

this thread is awesome