Cheers for the suggestions guys. I’ve had to resort to zopiclone the last few nights, as I just couldn’t cope with the insomnia any longer. I still wake up on it, but find it much easier to drift back to sleep.
Also, I’ve found myself another counsellor and we are working on some strategies to get my sleep under control with the long term in mind. Last night she got me to try Progressive Muscle Relaxation, where you work your way through your body, tensing and relaxing each muscle group. This has a pretty good effect of taking your mind away from whatever thoughts may be plaguing you, and creating a sense of full body relaxation.
I haven’t trained in 4 days, which sucks. Partially due to a busy weekend and lack of energy, but in honesty the main reason is I feel demotivated and disillusioned. I just can’t seem to put on weight with this new routine, despite eating at a good surplus (usually 3200 - 3400 calories).
I feel like I’ve lost size in my chest and shoulders, and my lower body is definitely getting smaller as I am finding it harder to choose pants which fit without a belt and don’t look saggy in the ass.
The other issue would be a lack of motivation to make the trek to the gym for legs day, and a feeling that the machines simply aren’t giving me enough frequency or intensity to maintain let alone grow.
Right now I am strongly considering saying fuck it, and getting back to what I was doing a couple of months ago, when I managed to put on 6-8kg in fairly rapid time. My logic at the time was simple: mass requires heavy lifting, and I am limited in the lower body lifts, so i based my training around frequent high effort benching with low intensity squats and deadlifts for safety reasons - and it worked.
Now I know this is not what the surgeon has told me to do, but I don’t know if I can handle putting in so much effort for zero reward. I mean, I am looking pretty toned and shit but I feel featherweight and weak. My clothes don’t fit me right. I know it’s pretty much impossible for me to get back to 97kg, but surely at least 85kg is achievable, then I would feel slightly masculine in my own skin.
I realise with my health situation, lifting and gaining a few kg should seem like the least of my concerns, but prior to getting sick my life was built around training and partying. I was strong and easy going and confident. I can 100% accept that I can (and should) no longer drink like a fish and be something of a leader in my social group, so partying can be crossed off my list. But surely there’s a way for me to rebuild my physique to something which at least lends a little confidence to my mind. Feeling like a shadow of your former self is a tough gig - everywhere I go, I feel haunted by the old me. Friends talk about their training and it just drives me crazy that I’m struggling so much to even stay motivated.
Also doesn’t help that my work productivity is nil because my mind can’t focus, and I spend every day just craving crawling into bed so I can escape reality and the constant fear of cancer coming back and killing me.
Ranting in circles here.
But anyway in 3 days I am going to Fiji for 5 nights, with my daughter and girlfriend. Hopefully this will give me time to clear my mind and find some positive energy and motivation to get my life back on track.
Training-wise I don’t know what to do. I just know that I’m fast losing motivation with my current approach and I don’t want to end up ditching lifting altogether, as I feel that’d be admitting defeat on numerous levels. Hopefully I will have a brainwave and get some lifting done tonight.
Please excuse the negative tones, it’s just a reflection of the shit I’m going through right now. Lifting may be a tiny, inconsequential part of life when you consider the big picture, but to me it was the routine and focus of my old life, and I hate feeling like I am losing my last grip on it. Training and strength are intrinsically linked to my identity and it drives me crazy to see them fading away.
