Neil…
My favorite food is hot-dogs! And i’m freakin huge!!!Think about It…
BTW you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.
word
Damn!! I almost never post but Dan that was fucking art! TEK you get honorable mention.
hahahaha, Patricia thought we were talking about her. That’s funny.
Ummm, Dan I’ve been using a lot of your ideas you posted earlier, but they don’t seem to be working and my hospital bill keeps going up.
Do you have any extra tips that could help me out with this?
By the way, are you sure you’re certified?
Jake
Getagrip and Pat,
Don’t feel sorry for Neil. Trust me he has brought it upon himself. He has been kicked off other forums and he has even been kicked off this one before. He asks for advice, people give him advice and then he questions it and comes up with some asinine alternative and then tells the person how they are wrong after a 15 minute Google search. Not to mention he is an 18-year-old neophyte with almost a whole year of experience under his belt that either doesn’t like to read or his reading comprehension is shit.
Hell, you even have JB chiming in and enjoying this.
Dan, TEK, Demo, Cass, Michelle, Mr. Penguin and others…by all means please proceed.
Bump. LMOL
You guys are so immature. Why couldnt you just answer Neils question without all of the sarcasm? Im tired of this elite group of tmaggers thinking they can run rampant over unsuspecting newbies. This is getting so old.
Dan,
Do you get a better anabolic response if you use the bag of doorknobs while standing on a swiss ball?
JakeMan,
There is no doubt that the type of training I reccomend is BRUTAL and INTENSE. In fact, just thinking about one of my training sessions almost made me throw up.
I just took some of my “favorite supplement” though and everything seems to be okay.
First off, you have to make sure that your recovery is at least 157% of a normal human capacity. The best ways to increase recovery as far as I can tell are:
- Butter
- Raw Eggs
- hyperbaric/sensory deprivation chamber
and in extreme cases:
4) cryrogenic freezing for future generations
Actually, this last topic has come up quite a bit: many people are now having their heads removed and cryrogenically frozen. This is a GREAT idea. In the future, when this sort of thing is a regular proccess, you can have your head placed on a genetically modified body that is as HYUUUGEEE as you want.
In the meantime, let me give you some advice about training. Everyone wants to have cut, shredded, ripped abs. And everyone always asks “Why are prisoners in such good shape?” Well, clearly it’s not their diets–the diets are clearly lacking in the prerequisite amounts of shellfish, butter, raw eggs, and bees. And it’s clearly not their training: prison regulations prevent the kind of HARD CORE, INTENSE training that I do.
So I went “undercover” (after several oz. of my “favorite supplement” were discovered) to discover the training secrets of the American prison system. Here’s what I found out: Getting “cut” abs couldn’t be simpler. Simply have your partner “shiv” you in the area you wish to be “cut”. I’ve seen this repeated several times: 5-37 reps seems to give the biggest “training effect”.
The other secret of the American prison system happens when a man and another man fall in love and decide to express their love in the deepest way possible. Again, if you’re not HARD CORE or INTENSE, you’re just not going to get this part of it.
As to my certification, of course I’m certified! You can be certified, too, just by sending me a check for $9999.95 and flying out to my secret lair deep in the Rocky Mountains where I will beat you with doorknobs, bind your feet, and so on, so you can experience training with the “master”.
Fortunately, you must also be “re-certified” every 6 months.
Hope this helps,
Dan
Neil,
You have the makings of a great troll. I admire you and I think you have great potential. You remind me of my youth. Please join us at the Power and Bulk forums. I will take you under my wing and share my love of beer, transsexuals, and chimping with you. There you can also celebrate your fatness and learn to accept yourself.
scowl
Cass - I LIKE raw milk. And I’m not dead yet.
However, I’ve heard that raw milk from Mad Cows can greatly increase the intensity of your workouts. I’m not ready for that though, so I’ll just stick to my regular old cows.
Dan,
I need some different exercises to improve my imbalances and for greater strength gains. I am trying to work my way up to a one armed wide grip pull-up but it is pretty difficult. Have you done any one armed weighted dips? One legged swiss ball squats?
For cardio I have been able to improve my one leg endurance. I get on the treadmill and I have one leg on the stationary edge and grab the pulse measuring silver thingies, set the incline to 15 and the speed to 8.6 and just run my ass of for 5 minutes with my opposite leg. I alternate legs every five minutes. Great workout. Sure I get some looks but most people don’t understand our intensity and knowledge. I haven’t tried it on the Stairmaster but I am sure it would work as well. Any suggestions?
Of course I follow it up with bees and butter.
LOL…Funny shit guys
Dan, does that $9999.95 include room and board?
What about a “Distance Certification” option? Or is it best to personally live through the experience?
Cravell,
Doing one-armed weighted pullups and dips are within the reach of everyone. For dips, the key is to keep your body stiff as a board. In truth, your legs will be splayed out in all directions, and your opposite arm has to be stuck straight overhead for balance. In effect, your body will be turned sideways, all your other limbs will be out for balance.
Actually, if you know anyone from Cirque du Soleil, they can teach you the move in about 10 minutes. It’s more of a parlor trick than a serious strength building move, unfortunately. If it were as simple as being able to do one-arm wide-grip pullups and dips, we’d all be huge.
One legged swiss ball squats are the exercise of the future. Only in my version, people do it with their biceps and chest.
Don’t ask. You have to come to the certification for that.
As to the cardio, that’s a brilliant idea, though I just tried it, and I can’t handle it–my feet are bound. So I hopped up on my hands and tried it from a handstand. I must say, that is a resounding success–working the pecs and biceps while getting my cardio done.
Patricia,
The 9999.95 does not include room and board. Why? Because you will not eat or sleep during the certification. This is the only way to get into the proper mind-state. A distance certification is only possible if you pay all of my expenses while flying me out to your location. Make sure that the fridge is stocked with plenty of butter! I will then sleep in your bed while my legions of trainers will work you over and out until I am satisfied with your progress. I will take whatever I like from your house. Of course, the normal re-certification rules apply.
Dan
Ah, Michelle:
Just think what would it be like to say (and mean it):
“Wow…just had a awesome MAD COW workout!”
Cravell – that’s funny. That one-legged running thing reminded me of an article that appeaserd in Triathlete magazine a long time ago (like mid-80’s).
The “article” was the regular monthly run training column, written by some German author with a funny-sounding name. Any way, the advice was to run along a curb, with one foot up on the curb and the other on the lower surface. Run out, then turn around and run back on the same curb. Was supposed to build incredible (running) strength. Now, mind you, isolated leg training on a stationary bike was just coming into vogue, so this column didn’t seem all that far fetched, until you realized it was the April issue. The funniest part of the whole thing is that they had several people write letters to the editor about how to actually implement the training into their schedules.
Goldberg: much better. Maybe throw in a fuck or a shit.
Dude.
NeilG: After your charbroiling, I went back and read your other posts and your letter. Dude, I’m sure Biotest has told entire distributors to get fucked before when they didn’t play ball like they wanted. What makes you think they are going to care if an 18 yr old kid threatens to cancel his order? Wow.
Anyway, you’re 18, you just started training, and you’re still carrying some extra bodyfat. First off, you’re too young and inexperienced to even use Mag 10. Secondly, you answered your own question about gaining more fat. Hold off on the Mag 10 until you get your bf down.
Dan McVicker,
YOU HAVE HEREBY BEEN ENTERED INTO THE GOOD GUYS HALL OF FAME!!! Say hello to Diesel, Goldberg, Redman, and myself. You have attained epic heights with your one post. I’ll bet you are a good Republican. Your post was way to creative for a democrat.
Fuck Iraq!!! Can I get in too? Thanks in advance US=GG. 
Dan,
You stole the concept of the “Cut Abs” routine from the Chopper Reed Workout Manual.
Plagiarism, for SHAME…!