Premier of Rogue Vampire's Book!

Off Topic
1

I got a PM from Rogue Vampire and he said he’d asked me, as well as others, to read part of his book, which he says is now finished.

He didn’t say who the “others” were…maybe they were other T Nation members. But he also said I could post it here after I’d read it. I wouldn’t otherwise have gone ahead with this post, as I think RV is an alright guy.
I think the reason he sent it to me is I’ve only really called him out on his terrible spelling and grammar in his posts, so he may have seen me as someone who can help with his writing.

I’ll paste here what he sent me with my comments after.

[i] I was aware of the tall figure moving at huge vampire speed from shadow to shadow beneath the building I was in. I sniffed the stail air, and almost stumbled over. Werewolf! I sprinted down the stairs and burst through the wooden door of my apartment of the fourth floor. Grabbing the back pack I had packed for an occasion just like this, I started towards the window, when a familiar voice made me stop, dead in my tracks. “Leaving so soon?” I turned around, gasping when I did. He’d found me. Blaze, the werewolf I’d been running from since the sixties. Also the werewolf I shot and killed two years ago.

My mind raced, and I became dizzy. He stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. The window was now the only escape. Moving slowly towards me, Blaze examined me. My long, silky blond hair had been died dark brown and was pulled back, exposing my neck. I knew he wasn’t a vampire, but I knew he had the jaw power of about ten of us. I was a few centimeters taller, as well as more massively muscled and my clothes where from a small corner shop in Montana. “When I heard you were here, I came as fast as I could.” He laughed, and it somehow made me warm. I needed a plan, and fast.

A small plan, which might just work, popped into my head. Blaze turned his back to me and mumbled something. I dashed to the window and flung myself out, backpack on my shoulders and running bear foot through the woods. I heard a howl in the distance, and knew he would find me in less than a minutes. I was helpless, I burst through a branch to find myself in a clearing. Another howl echoed through the trees, indicating me was about thirty seconds away. I braced myself for the worst.

A few seconds later, Blaze burst through the other side of the clearing, I spun around and pulled the stake from my jacket pocket. He was in wolf form. Black fur, which was the rarest color for a werewolf. Legend has it, a great saint had black fur. His blue eyes burned into mine and he lunged at me. Dodging, he stumbled and stood back up. I sighed, “You’ve used that same move on me a hundred times. You even used it on me in the eighties at the horse ranch in Europe.” He lunged again, this time, I wasn’t ready. Pain shot through my back as I landed on the ground. I yelped and growled fiercely. In a few seconds, Blaze was on top of me, in human form, and pinned me down. He snickered, “Stupid vampire.” He brushed his lips against mine, releasing sleeping gas into my mouth. I groaned, every thing blackened, leaving me in pure darkness.

I was in a hospital. In a room with no windows, just a bed and chair. I shot up, the pain still in my back. The door swung open and a blond werewolf stepped in. She was so close, her scent was so strong, I almost chocked. From the expression on her face, she obviously didn’t want to be my nurse. Rolling her eyes, she moved towards me, and put a warm hand on my massive thigh. I growled, she was in my face the next second, “Wanna die bitch?” She yelled, she’d pulled a silver stake from her jacket and I snickered. “I’m already dead, died back in the 1950’s.” She clenched her fists and tightened her grip on the stake. “Oh, and silver stakes don’t work on vampires.” Smiling, I rolled over. I nodded of, slipping into a dream, I hoped wasn’t my brothers.

“Violet?” Damn.“Yeah, I’m here.” He shook his head, and shot me a sympathetic look, “I have some…bad news.” I tightened my jaw and nodded, he carried on. “Well, Mum got scared that your going to come after her again. She’s so paranoid-” I cut him off. “No. I’m not going back. You took me in awhile back, and I’m thankful. That night was an accident, and you know that. Don’t you?” He nodded. “Now, can I get back to sleep?” He bit his lip. “Bye sis.” I smiled, “Bye brother.” The dream faded.

I was back in the hospital, just not in the same room. It was a normal room, window above the bead and a wooden door. “Shit…” Wooden door, I can’t touch wood. I sighed and stood up on the bed and peered out the widow. Laughing, I sat down on the bed. I was in the middle of a city, then it hit me. I was in the hospital I heard about back in Montana. It was run by werewolves, guarded day and night. I growled, how was i going to get out now? I snapped out of my thoughts when the door opened and Blaze stepped in. I groaned and flung myself back on the bed dramatically. He walked over to me, this time I didn’t move. First, he touched my forehead, then my leg and wrote something down. I almost chocked, he was a doctor? “I’m sorry.” He leaned in close to me again and pressed his lips against mine again. I growled before dropping off.

There was grass all around me. I was in a paddock. Cows grazed around me, and Blaze lay beside me, staring up at the stars. If there were stars, we weren’t in the city anymore. I glanced over at Blaze, “Why?” He just looked at me, then back at the stars. For some reason I didn’t know, I hadn’t wanted him to look away. A cold gust of wind blew past and I shivered. One second I was in the paddock, the next, I was in a cabin and there was a fire going. Blaze was about to leave. “Wait.” He froze, but didn’t turn. “Why did you take me to the hospital?” I was actually afraid of what his answer was going to be. He stepped back in the room and shut the door. He was on the bed the next second, looking down at the sheets. I tipped his head back so his eyes met mine. “Why?” He bit his lip, “I saw us.” I immediately dropped my hand and moved back. His eyes were on the sheets again. “But…But…that’s, impossible.” I stammered. He glanced back up at me, “Apparently not. I took you there, and got checked up myself. I’m not sick, and neither are you.” He looked back at the door. “Your my mate.”[/i]

Well, I have since PMed him back with corrections (though he said it was ready to be published…I um, hope not as is!) so I won’t harp on any of the errors, I’ll just talk about the basic feel of it.

I think it’s pretty good. Sure it seemed a little juvenile and I had trouble understanding what happened after the main character (obviously patterned off RV himself) went to the hospital, but it was OK.
I’m wondering if someone else got any other parts in a PM that had that 400 year-old woman he mentioned.

All in all I think it’s OK. Though I never read Twilight I don’t think it can be any worse than that.

2

First

3

Well it needs some corrections. Nards already sent in those. Outside of “huge vampire speed”, “my massive thigh” and not being able to touch wood ( hee hee ) which will make living in a world with wood furniture hell. I still thought it was better than " twilight"

4

Oh, I’m one of the lucky ones as well.

[i]I have no food. Why? My parents didn’t feed me. “You’re old enough. Go get your own food.” They would say. With only two kids, you would think they’d have enough money to feed us. But they only get enough food for mother, father, and my little brother, Blake. He’s only 4, while I’m 17.

We lived in a small village that was way back in time than most cities and towns. I mean, we still have a castle in the forest. It was said to be occupied by vampires. But they couldn’t exist. But the men who lived there were very wealthy and that’s why I was there now. I had no money, no food. I’d lost my job, thanks to father. Don’t want to talk about it. I was dressed in all black, my blond hair pulled up in a messy bun. I only had my backpack and my own two hands. It was 1 in the morning and I was starving. I didn’t have the strength to break in, so I tried the front door. I chuckled as it opened. Who would leave the door to a million dollar castle unlocked?

Some candles were lit, giving the room a faint glow. I couldn’t see the furniture, but I could faintly make out the outlines of them. I made my way along the wall, searching for the kitchen. Luckily it was the next room over. As I opened the door to the cellar light burst out, temporarily blinding me. I stumbled back into something. I cursed myself as pots and pans clattered to the floor.

In a rush, I filled my backpack with food. I managed to fill it halfway before anyone came. I silently closed the door and zipped my backpack. I flung it on my shoulder as I ran to the door.

“Going somewhere?” a silky velvet voice echoed through the house. The front door was now closed, a man standing in front of it. I held back a gasp. The man was gorgeous. He had black hair that sprouted out everywhere, looking as if he’d just woken up. Well in hind sight, he probably had. His violet eyes showed curiosity as he looked me over.

I gulped loudly, not meaning to, “What do you want?” I asked, my voice cracking.

The man chuckled, shaking his head, “I want to know what you stole from me.” He said, taking a step forward. His eyes bore into mine as I answered, “N-nothing.” I stammered, and then cursed myself.

Suddenly, he was right in front of me, a lovely rose scent drifted off of him. I gasped and took a step back. He grabbed my arms just below mu shoulders. I winced at his strength and he loosened his grip a little, “Don’t lie to me.” He growled.

As I stared into his violet eyes, both my fear and wonder grew. I turned my head away and closed my eyes, waiting for him to punish me.

He sighed and released my arms as he slid the backpack off my shoulder. I quickly retreated to the corner, crouch and making myself as small as possible. I wrapped my arms around my legs as I watched him quickly check the back and toss it aside.

He’s mad. He’d mad. I flinched as he looked at me again. Oh, I guess I forgot an important detail when describing my parents. They beat me. I dread the day Blake turns 8. I closed my eyes and placed my forehead on my knees, waiting for my punishment.

Rays POV

I understood why she was terrified. Could she know what I am? There were rumors, but no one believed them. My kind isn’t supposed to exist.

I approached her slowly, not wishing to scare her. I crouched in front of her and placed a hand on her knee.

“Please don’t hurt me.” The girl whimpered, “I’m sorry I stole from you, terribly sorry. I’ll do anything you want, just please don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t hurt you.” I said, gently placing my hands on her shoulder.

Normal POV

I lifted my head and starred at him in disbelief, “Bu-but I stole from you.”

He shrugged, “You stole human food. It’s not like I need it. Why did you only steal food and not something more valuable?” I looked away, refusing to answer. But my stomach did, growling loudly. I cursed myself silently.

He furrowed hi eyebrows and looked back at the bag. I glanced over at it also. Suddenly it was gone, dangling in the man’s hand. I tried backing more into the wall, “How did you do that?” I was absolutely terrified now.

He raised an eyebrow, “You haven’t heard the rumors?”

My eyes grew twice their original state, “They’re true?” my voice cracked. He nodded as he searched through my backpack. “I want to leave. Now.” I said as firm as I could.

He looked up at me with pain in his eyes. Then it was gone as quickly as it appeared. He laughed, “You’re not going anywhere.”

My eyes narrowed despite my fear, “Why not?” I resisted the urge to whine.

He smirked as he pulled out grapes and apples, “Because, I just found myself a pet. Now eat, Kitten.” He handed me the grapes. I popped one in my mouth. It had been over a day since I last ate. I closed my eyes as I ate another, enjoying the juice.

Suddenly, I was being lifted. My eyes shot open, he was carrying me. Well I guess I know who his little pet is, “What’s your name?” I asked. My fear was almost gone. I don’t know my, but I felt safe in his arms.

He smiled at me, showing his fangs, “Ray.”

Another grape entered my mouth, “Okay, Ray. Is there a reason I can’t walk?”

“Ah, c’mon, Kitten. You know you like it.” He smirked. He was right. I wouldn’t admit it to him, but he was right. I scoffed, “You wish.” I stated as I punched his chest softly. It was rock hard and cold.

“I wouldn’t punch me too hard, Kitten.” He frowned, “don’t want your hand broken.”

I studied my right hand, “Yeah that would hurt.”

Ray chuckled and barely kicked a door. Still it flew open, “Welcome to your new home, Kitten.”

“New home.” I repeated as he sat me down. The room wasn’t large, but I wasn’t tiny ether. A bed sat across from the door, a nightstand at its side. The covers were a dark violet, just as Rays eyes were. A large dresser stood proud and tall in the corner. A hope chest sat at the end of the bed. On the left side of the door was a window seat, looking out on the forest. On the right was a door, probably leading to a bathroom.

I looked up a Ray who stood a head taller than me, “My own room?” Ray smiled, showing his teeth. No fangs, just normal teeth. They were perfectly straight and white, yes, but no fangs.

“All yours, Kitten.” He swept a hand across the room. I walked over to the bed a placed my hand on it, “I’ve never had my own room before.” I mumbled.

“Never?” Ray asked, appearing next to me. I jumped slightly, and shook my head.

“You must come from a large family.” I looked up at him. He was frowning, his eyes lost somewhere, “If you want to go back to them, I would understand.” I laughed. I laughed so hard, Ray began to look at me funny, “Go back? I admit I’m still a little frightened, but you haven’t done anything to hurt me. They have.” I rolled up my sleeves, exposing various bruises. Anger flashed in Ray’s eyes as he gingerly brushed his hand over the most recent. I winced and he suddenly stepped back. My stomach growled again. I still had the apple in one hand, the grapes long gone.

“When was the last time you ate, Kitten?” Ray asked, concern replaced the anger in his eyes.

I shrugged, “About a day or two ago.” I rolled down my sleeves and bit the apple.

“Why?” Ray practically growled. I bit the apple again, “My ‘family’ doesn’t feed me. I’m supposed to make my own money and get my own food. I lost my job, my money, and my emergency food.”

Ray sat on the bed and rubbed his temples before sighing, “That would explain why you tried to steal from me.”

I blushed, “Sorry about that.” He stood and ran his fingers through his hair, “Finish your apple and get some rest. Don’t take a shower just yet?unless you want to go around naked?” he smirked.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I blushed even deeper. He shrugged, “Eh. Fine. I’ll go get you some clothes in the morning.”

“You can go outside in sunlight?” I asked.

He nodded, “Goodnight, Kitten. Remember, no shower. Yet.” He winked and left.

I laid back on the bed, “Flirt,” I whispered.

“I heard that!” Ray yelled from down the hall.

“Good!” I yelled back.[/i]

5

I must say, I’m quite thrilled about reading the entire thing.

What if…what if we’re witnessing the birth of a best-seller? Who’ll be asking who for pictures holding papers that say whatever?

6

I’m thinking that since it’s on the same level as Twilight and The Hunger Games it’ll be made into a movie. Who could play RV’s part? Who could be Blaze? Who could be Ray?

7

Its as good as alot of the other dribble out there.

But still not good.

8

It IS April 1st today.

9

[quote]Bambi wrote:
It IS April 1st today.[/quote]

This isnt an april fools, it really is that bad lol.

10

Why would someone take all that time to write all that? I have said so many times, my book has nothing to do with vampires or werewolves. As far as i remember, the only person that has read any of my writing, is Ct. Rockula. I thought there was someone else, but i forget. And my book isn’t done.

11

Whenever someone is talking, as in dialogue, your supposed to start a new line. I guess people don’t realize that.

13

I liked the conclusion, though the grammar still needs work

There was grass all around me. I was in a paddock. Cows grazed around me, and Blaze lay beside me, staring up at the stars. If there were stars, we weren’t in the city anymore. I glanced over at Blaze, “Why?” He just looked at me, then back at the stars. For some reason I didn’t know, I hadn’t wanted him to look away. A cold gust of wind blew past and I shivered. One second I was in the paddock, the next, I was in a cabin and there was a fire going. Blaze was about to leave. “Wait.” He froze, but didn’t turn. “Why did you take me to the hospital?” I was actually afraid of what his answer was going to be. He stepped back in the room and shut the door. He was on the bed the next second, looking down at the sheets. I tipped his head back so his eyes met mine. “Why?” He bit his lip, “I saw us.” I immediately dropped my hand and moved back. His eyes were on the sheets again. “But…But…that’s, impossible.” I stammered. He glanced back up at me, “Apparently not. I took you there, and got checked up myself. I’m not sick, and neither are you.” He looked back at the door. “Your my mate.”

14

[quote]roguevampire wrote:
Whenever someone is talking, as in dialogue, your supposed to start a new line. I guess people don’t realize that. [/quote]

Come on, don’t be modest.

Thanks for the next part by the way, I’m waiting for more!

[i]‘Van Helsing!’ called Carl a few hours later and the monster hunter took the stairs two at a time to find Carl in the tower, a slim black, leather bound book in his hand.

‘What is it, Carl?’ he asked as he took a step closer to his shaking friend.

‘We’ll need Melania to be sure, but I think I’ve found Dracula’s connection to her.’ Replied Carl as he passed Van Helsing and started down the winding staircase. Gabriel watched him go with a slightly confused look, but followed him anyway.

‘Miss Melania?’ asked Carl, a slight shake to his voice. Melania spun on her heels to look over at him and visibly paled as she saw the book in his hand.

‘Where did you find that?’ she asked him, fear in her stance, eyes and voice.

‘In the tower,’ he replied, thumbing through the pages and missing her reaction, ‘Do you know Elisabeth Bathory?’

‘I did.’ He caught the fear this time and looked up at her with apologetic eyes.

‘How?’

‘She was a noble woman who lived just a few miles away from the place where I grew up in Hungary.’

‘And?’

‘And I went to her castle just like many other girls.’

‘And what happened there?’

‘Nothing, she taught us to be proper young ladies, but obviously it never really stuck.’ She was avoiding the question and everyone knew it.

‘What happened Melania?’ asked Gabriel softly as he entered the room more fully after eavesdropping on the conversation between her and Carl.

‘Nothing, she taught us how to be proper ladies, that is it.’

‘This diary tells us differently.’ Replied Carl.

‘That diary was never to be found.’

‘But it was Mel, you never talked about what happened at the Bathory castle, and we moved not long after you came back home, what happened?’ asked Ivan.

‘Elisabeth Bathory was a noble woman, widowed early in her years, and one day a servant girl of hers was brushing her hair, but she pulled too hard, and snagged it. Lady Bathory slapped the poor girl across the face. Now that is not so unusual but Lady Bathory enjoyed wearing rings, many of them, and when she slapped that poor girl it cut her cheek drawing blood. Lady Bathory thought that the blood on her hand made the skin underneath softer, smoother, more youthful. So she had another servant of hers, a man, kill the girl and drain her of her blood. She bathed in it, thinking it made it her look so much younger, and then she became obsessed with her beauty and youth. When she had exhausted her resources around her castle, she sent further and further away for virgin girls in villages, and had them report to the castle under the false pretense of getting an education and a higher place in the world.’

‘Didn’t anyone ask where their daughters had disappeared to?’ asked Gabriel and she shook her head.

‘No, Lady Bathory told the families that she had married them off to far away nobles. No one ever asked for proof. So she continued to kill the girls. She wouldn’t kill you right away of course, she drained you of blood, then left you alone for a few days, and then came back for more.’

‘How long were you there?’

‘A month and a half, she drained me of blood several times,’ she pulled up her pant leg and showed three puncture wounds, evenly spaced on her calf, ‘But then someone investigated the disappearance of their daughter because Lady Bathory had been stupid enough to take noble’s daughters when she had taken all the peasant girls. And they found several bodies in the woods surrounding her castle, and they stormed it. Well, Lady Bathory heard them coming and she ordered her servants to kill the girls that were left. We were kept in the basement, in cages, sometimes with other girls, sometimes alone. I was alone. And I heard the screams of the other girls and when the cage next to mine was opened I knew I was next, but I was afraid to die. So when the door to my cell was opened I pushed as hard as I could against the door, and the man opening it flew backwards. I ran through the hallways and somehow found my way outside.’

‘Then what?’ asked Gabriel as Ivan turned away, his stomach churning at his sister’s description of the place she had been held in.

‘Then I slowly made my way home, told my parents that I had been kicked out of her castle and that I was to stay with them again if they would take me. They did, and they never asked me what had happened.’

She stopped her story in tears and every man in the room felt their heart twist at her story.

‘Elisabeth Bathory is Dracula’s new bride.’ Managed Carl and Melania’s head snapped up in fear.

‘What?’

‘That is what he wants you for. You were the one that escaped. She wants your blood.’

Melania visibly paled and took a step away from Carl as though she could protect herself if she stayed far away from him.

‘Melania?’ asked Gabriel as he took a step towards her.

‘She’s back?’ she asked in a whisper, covering her mouth with a shaking hand, trying to compose herself.

‘Yes.’

‘As a real vampire?’

‘Yes.’

‘And she wants my blood?’

‘Yes.’

She stayed silent as her entire body started to shake uncontrollably and slowly sank into the couch behind her.

Gabriel and Ivan exchanged frightened looks at her reaction and Ivan jerked his head. Gabriel took his gesture and sat next to the trembling woman, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

‘We won’t let her attack you.’ He told her gently, but she didn’t stop shaking.

‘Do they know where I am?’ she asked and the three men exchanged bewildered looks.

‘Yes, they know where you are.’

‘Then it’s only a matter of time?’ she asked, confirming her worst fear, the one thought that plagued her dreams, turning them into nightmares.

‘Yes.’

‘Well then, what are we waiting for? We should start to prepare.’ She replied, her shaking now under control.

‘Maybe we should hide you, just until this is over.’ Suggested Ivan but Melania gave him such a withering look that he instantly regretted it.

‘No, I won’t hide. If she wants me, then she can come an claim me.’ Her voice and eyes were steely.

‘Very well, then we should prepare.’ Said Gabriel, joining in on the conversation.[/i]

15

[quote]Edevus wrote:

[quote]roguevampire wrote:
Whenever someone is talking, as in dialogue, your supposed to start a new line. I guess people don’t realize that. [/quote]

Come on, don’t be modest.

Thanks for the next part by the way, I’m waiting for more!

[i]‘Van Helsing!’ called Carl a few hours later and the monster hunter took the stairs two at a time to find Carl in the tower, a slim black, leather bound book in his hand.

‘What is it, Carl?’ he asked as he took a step closer to his shaking friend.

‘We’ll need Melania to be sure, but I think I’ve found Dracula’s connection to her.’ Replied Carl as he passed Van Helsing and started down the winding staircase. Gabriel watched him go with a slightly confused look, but followed him anyway.

‘Miss Melania?’ asked Carl, a slight shake to his voice. Melania spun on her heels to look over at him and visibly paled as she saw the book in his hand.

‘Where did you find that?’ she asked him, fear in her stance, eyes and voice.

‘In the tower,’ he replied, thumbing through the pages and missing her reaction, ‘Do you know Elisabeth Bathory?’

‘I did.’ He caught the fear this time and looked up at her with apologetic eyes.

‘How?’

‘She was a noble woman who lived just a few miles away from the place where I grew up in Hungary.’

‘And?’

‘And I went to her castle just like many other girls.’

‘And what happened there?’

‘Nothing, she taught us to be proper young ladies, but obviously it never really stuck.’ She was avoiding the question and everyone knew it.

‘What happened Melania?’ asked Gabriel softly as he entered the room more fully after eavesdropping on the conversation between her and Carl.

‘Nothing, she taught us how to be proper ladies, that is it.’

‘This diary tells us differently.’ Replied Carl.

‘That diary was never to be found.’

‘But it was Mel, you never talked about what happened at the Bathory castle, and we moved not long after you came back home, what happened?’ asked Ivan.

‘Elisabeth Bathory was a noble woman, widowed early in her years, and one day a servant girl of hers was brushing her hair, but she pulled too hard, and snagged it. Lady Bathory slapped the poor girl across the face. Now that is not so unusual but Lady Bathory enjoyed wearing rings, many of them, and when she slapped that poor girl it cut her cheek drawing blood. Lady Bathory thought that the blood on her hand made the skin underneath softer, smoother, more youthful. So she had another servant of hers, a man, kill the girl and drain her of her blood. She bathed in it, thinking it made it her look so much younger, and then she became obsessed with her beauty and youth. When she had exhausted her resources around her castle, she sent further and further away for virgin girls in villages, and had them report to the castle under the false pretense of getting an education and a higher place in the world.’

‘Didn’t anyone ask where their daughters had disappeared to?’ asked Gabriel and she shook her head.

‘No, Lady Bathory told the families that she had married them off to far away nobles. No one ever asked for proof. So she continued to kill the girls. She wouldn’t kill you right away of course, she drained you of blood, then left you alone for a few days, and then came back for more.’

‘How long were you there?’

‘A month and a half, she drained me of blood several times,’ she pulled up her pant leg and showed three puncture wounds, evenly spaced on her calf, ‘But then someone investigated the disappearance of their daughter because Lady Bathory had been stupid enough to take noble’s daughters when she had taken all the peasant girls. And they found several bodies in the woods surrounding her castle, and they stormed it. Well, Lady Bathory heard them coming and she ordered her servants to kill the girls that were left. We were kept in the basement, in cages, sometimes with other girls, sometimes alone. I was alone. And I heard the screams of the other girls and when the cage next to mine was opened I knew I was next, but I was afraid to die. So when the door to my cell was opened I pushed as hard as I could against the door, and the man opening it flew backwards. I ran through the hallways and somehow found my way outside.’

‘Then what?’ asked Gabriel as Ivan turned away, his stomach churning at his sister’s description of the place she had been held in.

‘Then I slowly made my way home, told my parents that I had been kicked out of her castle and that I was to stay with them again if they would take me. They did, and they never asked me what had happened.’

She stopped her story in tears and every man in the room felt their heart twist at her story.

‘Elisabeth Bathory is Dracula’s new bride.’ Managed Carl and Melania’s head snapped up in fear.

‘What?’

‘That is what he wants you for. You were the one that escaped. She wants your blood.’

Melania visibly paled and took a step away from Carl as though she could protect herself if she stayed far away from him.

‘Melania?’ asked Gabriel as he took a step towards her.

‘She’s back?’ she asked in a whisper, covering her mouth with a shaking hand, trying to compose herself.

‘Yes.’

‘As a real vampire?’

‘Yes.’

‘And she wants my blood?’

‘Yes.’

She stayed silent as her entire body started to shake uncontrollably and slowly sank into the couch behind her.

Gabriel and Ivan exchanged frightened looks at her reaction and Ivan jerked his head. Gabriel took his gesture and sat next to the trembling woman, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

‘We won’t let her attack you.’ He told her gently, but she didn’t stop shaking.

‘Do they know where I am?’ she asked and the three men exchanged bewildered looks.

‘Yes, they know where you are.’

‘Then it’s only a matter of time?’ she asked, confirming her worst fear, the one thought that plagued her dreams, turning them into nightmares.

‘Yes.’

‘Well then, what are we waiting for? We should start to prepare.’ She replied, her shaking now under control.

‘Maybe we should hide you, just until this is over.’ Suggested Ivan but Melania gave him such a withering look that he instantly regretted it.

‘No, I won’t hide. If she wants me, then she can come an claim me.’ Her voice and eyes were steely.

‘Very well, then we should prepare.’ Said Gabriel, joining in on the conversation.[/i][/quote]

Nice quote. I take it, its from a book about the countess? lol. You have to understand, The whole thing about her, what you have read, is a huge fairy tail. It was a successfull attempt to take her land and to avoid paying back the money they owed to her late husband. They tortured and basically told her 4 servants what to say. There was never ever any evidence whatsoever that the countess ever did anything wrong.

Its fun to read about. Fun to read about some woman bathing in blood and killing virgins. I admit it. But, its far from the truth. The truth is far more compelling though.

Everything you quoted is based on some writers imagination. Its not grounded in fact.

16

[quote]Edevus wrote:

[quote]roguevampire wrote:
Whenever someone is talking, as in dialogue, your supposed to start a new line. I guess people don’t realize that. [/quote]

Come on, don’t be modest.

Thanks for the next part by the way, I’m waiting for more!

[i]‘Van Helsing!’ called Carl a few hours later and the monster hunter took the stairs two at a time to find Carl in the tower, a slim black, leather bound book in his hand.

‘What is it, Carl?’ he asked as he took a step closer to his shaking friend.

‘We’ll need Melania to be sure, but I think I’ve found Dracula’s connection to her.’ Replied Carl as he passed Van Helsing and started down the winding staircase. Gabriel watched him go with a slightly confused look, but followed him anyway.

‘Miss Melania?’ asked Carl, a slight shake to his voice. Melania spun on her heels to look over at him and visibly paled as she saw the book in his hand.

‘Where did you find that?’ she asked him, fear in her stance, eyes and voice.

‘In the tower,’ he replied, thumbing through the pages and missing her reaction, ‘Do you know Elisabeth Bathory?’

‘I did.’ He caught the fear this time and looked up at her with apologetic eyes.

‘How?’

‘She was a noble woman who lived just a few miles away from the place where I grew up in Hungary.’

‘And?’

‘And I went to her castle just like many other girls.’

‘And what happened there?’

‘Nothing, she taught us to be proper young ladies, but obviously it never really stuck.’ She was avoiding the question and everyone knew it.

‘What happened Melania?’ asked Gabriel softly as he entered the room more fully after eavesdropping on the conversation between her and Carl.

‘Nothing, she taught us how to be proper ladies, that is it.’

‘This diary tells us differently.’ Replied Carl.

‘That diary was never to be found.’

‘But it was Mel, you never talked about what happened at the Bathory castle, and we moved not long after you came back home, what happened?’ asked Ivan.

‘Elisabeth Bathory was a noble woman, widowed early in her years, and one day a servant girl of hers was brushing her hair, but she pulled too hard, and snagged it. Lady Bathory slapped the poor girl across the face. Now that is not so unusual but Lady Bathory enjoyed wearing rings, many of them, and when she slapped that poor girl it cut her cheek drawing blood. Lady Bathory thought that the blood on her hand made the skin underneath softer, smoother, more youthful. So she had another servant of hers, a man, kill the girl and drain her of her blood. She bathed in it, thinking it made it her look so much younger, and then she became obsessed with her beauty and youth. When she had exhausted her resources around her castle, she sent further and further away for virgin girls in villages, and had them report to the castle under the false pretense of getting an education and a higher place in the world.’

‘Didn’t anyone ask where their daughters had disappeared to?’ asked Gabriel and she shook her head.

‘No, Lady Bathory told the families that she had married them off to far away nobles. No one ever asked for proof. So she continued to kill the girls. She wouldn’t kill you right away of course, she drained you of blood, then left you alone for a few days, and then came back for more.’

‘How long were you there?’

‘A month and a half, she drained me of blood several times,’ she pulled up her pant leg and showed three puncture wounds, evenly spaced on her calf, ‘But then someone investigated the disappearance of their daughter because Lady Bathory had been stupid enough to take noble’s daughters when she had taken all the peasant girls. And they found several bodies in the woods surrounding her castle, and they stormed it. Well, Lady Bathory heard them coming and she ordered her servants to kill the girls that were left. We were kept in the basement, in cages, sometimes with other girls, sometimes alone. I was alone. And I heard the screams of the other girls and when the cage next to mine was opened I knew I was next, but I was afraid to die. So when the door to my cell was opened I pushed as hard as I could against the door, and the man opening it flew backwards. I ran through the hallways and somehow found my way outside.’

‘Then what?’ asked Gabriel as Ivan turned away, his stomach churning at his sister’s description of the place she had been held in.

‘Then I slowly made my way home, told my parents that I had been kicked out of her castle and that I was to stay with them again if they would take me. They did, and they never asked me what had happened.’

She stopped her story in tears and every man in the room felt their heart twist at her story.

‘Elisabeth Bathory is Dracula’s new bride.’ Managed Carl and Melania’s head snapped up in fear.

‘What?’

‘That is what he wants you for. You were the one that escaped. She wants your blood.’

Melania visibly paled and took a step away from Carl as though she could protect herself if she stayed far away from him.

‘Melania?’ asked Gabriel as he took a step towards her.

‘She’s back?’ she asked in a whisper, covering her mouth with a shaking hand, trying to compose herself.

‘Yes.’

‘As a real vampire?’

‘Yes.’

‘And she wants my blood?’

‘Yes.’

She stayed silent as her entire body started to shake uncontrollably and slowly sank into the couch behind her.

Gabriel and Ivan exchanged frightened looks at her reaction and Ivan jerked his head. Gabriel took his gesture and sat next to the trembling woman, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

‘We won’t let her attack you.’ He told her gently, but she didn’t stop shaking.

‘Do they know where I am?’ she asked and the three men exchanged bewildered looks.

‘Yes, they know where you are.’

‘Then it’s only a matter of time?’ she asked, confirming her worst fear, the one thought that plagued her dreams, turning them into nightmares.

‘Yes.’

‘Well then, what are we waiting for? We should start to prepare.’ She replied, her shaking now under control.

‘Maybe we should hide you, just until this is over.’ Suggested Ivan but Melania gave him such a withering look that he instantly regretted it.

‘No, I won’t hide. If she wants me, then she can come an claim me.’ Her voice and eyes were steely.

‘Very well, then we should prepare.’ Said Gabriel, joining in on the conversation.[/i][/quote]

One last thing. In the quote that you pasted. It mentioned a diary. it was actually a register. A register of girls names. All of which that were killed by the countess. But that register never actually existed. There has never been a record of it. It was briefly mentioned during her trial. there were actually 2 trials. a young servant girl mentioned that she saw this register. But it was never found or ever menionted about after that.

17

Read Nard’s peice, not terribly bad. Hard to make a call after only that. Sounds a little Twilight/Underworlish. But I guess vamp/werewolf stories have been selling for a long time. Whats the name of the book?

18

I don’t understand RV,if you didn’t want us to comment why did you send us the copy? I am very disappointed that after taking the time to read and comment on what you have sent that you are denying it. I have marked it up, should I even send it back?

19

[quote]Testy1 wrote:
I don’t understand RV,if you didn’t want us to comment why did you send us the copy? [/quote]

Cuz he realizes his book sucks ass

Balla out

20

[quote]andrew_live wrote:
Read Nard’s peice, not terribly bad. Hard to make a call after only that. Sounds a little Twilight/Underworlish. But I guess vamp/werewolf stories have been selling for a long time. Whats the name of the book?[/quote]

By ‘not terribly bad’ I mean its jsut neutral. Its neither good or bad. It did pip my interest a little if that counts for any points. Just too small a sample.