I definitely plan to! I can only imagine that something was lost in the communication between the two doctors at this point. I really hope I can get a halt of him since my only option is calling his office…
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I had an amazing night’s sleep for a change. Very long as well. Now I feel like I want to train 
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Really glad to read this. Go smash it mate.
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Nah I’ll stick to the original plan. Tomorrow is the earliest I let myself squat.
Besides the refreshed feeling only lasted for like 1-1.5 hours. After that it was back to default - depleted, tired, slightly nauseous and prone to headaches. Basically if I point out that I am tired or anything along those lines in my log, you can assume I am fucking dying, otherwise I avoid making a bit fuss about it. You know since it has become the default.
15.02.
The sun was shining nicely today. Seized the chance and broke out the bike. Got a 10 km ride in to a nice cafe where the family then joined me. The strong head wind made this a little Harder than anticipated but I should be fine.
Also I plan on going to the Indoor pool shortly for some relaxation. They have like thermal baths and whirlpools which are very warm, comfortbable and might assist regeneration.
2 Likes
16.02.
I had some doubts about it but decided to put my faith in @markko’s advice regarding the jumps. Haven’t been fooled yet and didn’t regret the decision.
1 squat
3 sets @ bar
3 sets @ 60 kg
1 x 3 @ 100 kg
1 @ 100 kg (belt)
1 @ 140 kg
1 @ 170 kg (wraps)
Fail @ 195 kg
1 @ 190 kg - PR
2 doh axle deadlift
3 @ 96 kg
1 @ 116 kg
Fail @ 121 kg - I have little baby hands and a weak grip. Never followed through with my idea to purchase grippers, now that I think about it
3 x 3 @ 96 kg
Notes:
- let me walk you through the squats: Warm up prior to the squats felt good. Going in I felt pretty loose, especially with the additional warm up sets (which were mostly 3-5 reps). Had no pain or back pumps.
140 kg felt perfect
Did a good job wrapping my knees at 170 kg. Felt a little off balance but fast and strong.
Did a terrible job wrapping at my 195 kg attempt. It was not the reason I failed it bit added to the nervousness. I didn’t get amped up properly and panicked a little on the unrack. I probably wanted to sink it extra deep because it was a PR. I failed. I will not now nor ever start looking for excuses, I didn’t bring it and that’s all there is to it.
I knew though that at least something is there. Went back to 190 kg. Wrapped good, got my head straight and smashed it. Went back and forth wether to attempt 195 kg again but in the end I have had my shot and fatigue was setting in, so I let it go. - actually there was a really hard workout planned after the single but I felt like that would ruin my chance at an overhead PR, so I just did some grip and left.
- I will give myself some credit for picking myself up again after I felt what was planned. I didn’t reach what I had in mind but got away with a small PR and a passed attitude check.
Video:
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You did good. I’m glad the jumps worked for you, they almost always do once you commit to them.
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Follow up question: Is this how you pick your jumps for an average training session as well or just when going for a heavy top set?
All my training. I basically go bar, plate, plate, plate etc to my working weight for squat and DL. For bench, bar, plate, 10, plate, etc.
Comes down to 40 to 50 kilo jumps for lower body, 20 kilo jumps for upper.
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Sounds reasonable, I’ll follow that with the exception of overheads because these can be tricky to get timing and technique perfect and I feel some additional sets at weights closer to target weight can help with that . Thanks for the tips as always.
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17.02.
It’s gonna be another rant about my miserable life, guys. If you are here for the training, just skip ahead to the end.
What a crappy day. Couldn’t get into sleep last night and layed awake until after 2 am. Felt like dog shit during the day - naseuos, sick from the stomach, felt like throwing up multiple times (without producing anything though). Couldn’t really eat anything. Felt really bad mentally too. Not sure what was causing what. Kind of a chicken-egg-situation (although I dislike the metaphor since it’s pretty easy to explain).
Fifth week in that clinic and I don’t feel like I have made any progress. I did everything I can. Reached out to get help etc., actively took part in all of the therapy, went to all the doctors (before clinic). This clinic’s program is pretty poor imo. If you don’t happen to fit into “scheme x”, it won’t help. No matter how often you say that you haven different needs. Also I feel like I need to bring everything myself. Like with the blood tests! What other patient would have demanded a copy and done his own research? Usually you are supposed to go to a doctor with a problem and he presents a solution, no?
Well that isn’t the case here. Reached out to the original trt doc. His assistant noted my number and said he would call back when he has the time, since I can’t come in. No idea when or if he’s going to do so.
Tomorrow I have my appointment with the head doctor of the clinic. If she isn’t able to present me some answers and deteriate some of my concerns, I’ll likely quit.
In any case I’ll try to call the hospital that treated my cancer and describe to them that I am likely experiencing some long term side effects of chemotherapy. (How I came up with this? Google search. Yeah, never use google if you are sick but what am I supposed to do? Anyway, top of the list of side effects in long term survivors - macabre phrase, no? - are: Hormon disfunctions, liver damage, depression and anxiety disorder.)
Maybe the hospital can help. Maybe they have specialists. Maybe I can get administerd there and they can at least figure out the thyroid and testosterone stuff. Worth a shot in my position. I don’t want to be stuck in an endless cycle of going to doctors who don’t know what to do with me and always ending up with psychiatrists. Not that I don’t have emotional issues, I just don’t think that is all there is to it, you know?
Also I think a good doctor should have figured out that there is something wrong with the medication! I am effectively not on anti depressants since the concentration in my blood is so low that it could have basically been a random find in a person who isn’t actually taking them. While taking in the max dosage, mind you. I would suspect that I am maybe missing the necessary liver enzymes to even process the drug… But what do I know?
Also every physical symptom I experience on a nearly daily basis is just counted as part of being depressed. Look, I am not saying that that isn’t possible BUT not even looking for explanations and just chalking it up under “yeah that’s normal for severe depression” is not satisfying.
Also I don’t really think that they know what to do with me. Multiple staff members said to me that I seem like the most stable and healthy person there. They know and believe me that I am not doing well but I don’t let it show. Because I can’t, not because I chose to.
Now you might think: Why did that guy still train today? Is he insane? Maybe. I don’t know, maybe I am incredibly disciplined (I know I am in a way but that is another story), maybe I am a masochist, maybe I just hate myself, maybe I hoped that the training might brighten my day a little bit. Maybe I want the results or maybe I just want to do something that I have under my own control to a great degree. I did go in with a safety net though. If warm ups felt bad, I would leave. Injuring myself or vastly underperforming wouldn’t help my mood.
All of the above was written a few hours before training.
Training
1 push press
2 Sets @ bar
10 @ 40 kg
2 Sets @ 70 kg (Leg drive from here)
3 @ 90 kg
1 @ 100 kg
1 @ 110 kg
1 @ 120 kg
1 @ 127,5 kg
Fail @ 135 kg
Bar was in front and couldn’t lock left elbow out.
1 @ 135 kg - PR! (+5 kg)
2 x 5 @ 110 kg
2a db incline press - 3 sec eccentric + pause
4 x 8 @ 25 kg
2b unsopported db row - 3 sec eccentric + pause
4 x 8 @ 25 kg
3 face pull to the neck
4 x 12
4 Cuba rotation
3 x 12
Notes:
- elbows are FUCKED. So I did only two back off sets. Time to ice and rest those cunts a little. Also I really need to work on my upper body mobility.
- wasn’t exactly textbook as I compensated in my lower back but felt perfectly fine.
3 Likes
That wasnt really a rant brother. You’re going through some shit, you talked about what you’re doing to fix it. You’ll come through.
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You’re a star for setting PRs despite all this. Hell, you’re a champion for continuing to press on. Sadly, I have no advice to offer. All health care systems need to be navigated in their own way. Here, calling daily is a good way to make progress (be a pain)
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Not a rant K, you have something on your mind, you’re sharing it. I really hope you get it sorted out soon.
And setting those PR’s you’re brilliant K.
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Thanks guys, your support means a lot to me.
I hope so. The road feels pretty endless though, you know?
I evidently haven’t given up since I am still making plans on what to do to better my situation. It’s tough to motivate myself over and over again.
Thanks man. I think what sets me apart to a degree is my discipline. I just force myself to go again and again (not necessarily related to training). My therapist recently said that I am able to feel a lot of empathy for other people but barely any empathy for myself. So if that is related, it might be a double edged sword, haha.
Thanks brother 
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I think the road is endless, my brother. Not in a bad way, it’s just how things go. You keep moving. Sometimes it’s so slow it feels like you’re stationary, sometimes so fast you can barely keep up.
Discipline is, I think, a hugely overlooked element of healing and recovery. Simply having the discipline to show up and get through the work eventually pays off
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Good to hear you rant and lay down what you are going through and working to get through it. Great work on the PR too. The fact you can feel the way you do and still get the work done and hit PRs is a real testament to your character. Good job
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@markko I know what you mean. I hope this particular road has an end though. I can suffer through bad times but there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel. That there isn’t, is actually my biggest fear of all. I have suffered for a long time. Longer than I am a member here and I’d still say as long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I will be okay with it.
What I am trying to say is, I can endure any pain - as long as it was worth it in the end.
thanks man that’s nice of your to say
18.02.
No training
Very poor sleep again but I feel heaps better still compared to yesterday.
Felt the back today. No pain but this compressed feeling is stronger again. So even though it wasn’t what caused it originally, heavy ohp is what aggreviates it the most. I think I can remedy some of that if I get my torathic spine to move a little better. Also if I improve my front rack position, my elbows would probably be better. So I need to be less lazy basically.
I’ll be fine with the back. It doesn’t feel terrible at all today just stronger noticeable. Still an upwards trend, is what I am saying. I mean maxing in squats and ohp back to back on poor sleep etc. is hard on anyone’s back irregardless of other circumstances, I suppose.
Talked to the head doctor.
She assured me that she takes my concerns seriously and agrees that all biological factors must be checked instead of solely relying on therapy.
She will call the lab that did the testing, find out what has gone wrong and have them redo the drug monitoring. If it comes back the same we would have to discuss alternatives that are processed through different enzymes.
She also agreed that we need the urologist’s opinion explained again (aka the original trt doc). I’ll try to basically do what @Voxel said and call again. I think she wanted to call him as well. Other than that she wants to shift my therapy more towards trauma therapy and we will have a session regarding that on Friday, which she warned me, will be very intense.
Edit: She also promised me results come friday, concerning the lab. I liked that probably the most of all we talked about. A set date and someone who takes responsibility.
I will go to the indoor pool again tonight. I enjoyed the thermal bath on the weekend. I am usually not a big believer in that stuff but it felt like it had an actual healing effect on my muscles last time (as advertised). Basically like an epsom salt bath, only a bit better.
Also should receive my package from Cerberus tomorroe. I ordered a new belt which I plan to use for deadlifts and events. My Inzer is without a flaw but I have gotten so fat that it is in the last setting and it is a little tighter than I’d like for deadlifts. Plus I wanted to try a 13mm and I can wear a larger belt over my neoprene one for events which gives a little advantage in stuff like axle and log. I also ordered compression cuffs. Mainly to try for tennis.
4 Likes
Sounds like the talk with the head doc was produktive, I hope she delivers. Also wanted to echo what others have said: the fact that you’re setting PRs in your situation is impressive!
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Thanks man, I am honestly a little surprised myself sometimes. One step after the other.
I sure hope she delivers as well, but I am a lot more confident after today’s talk.
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19.02.
Life
Got the results for my bachelor thesis today. Passed with a 2,0 (1,0 being the best, 6,0 the worst and 4,0 the worst which still passes). That puts my grade average at spot on 2,0, the equivalent of a B grade I think (for my American friends).
So I officially have my bachelor degree now. Just need to wait for my certificate to arrive. Parents will take me out for a steak dinner on Friday. Nice and all, but I don’t feel joy about it. I wanted to know, checked the websites multiple times each day. Still when I saw, I wouldn’t say that I felt any reaction about it. I didn’t even tell people right away.
Had another physio session today and will have one next week. Today he massaged and did light traction on the affected part of the spine. Felt actually really good.
Training
1 deadlift
3 sets @ 70 kg (one with belt)
2 sets @ 110 kg (one with belt)
1 @ 150 kg
1 @ 190 kg
Fail @ 215 kg
Fail @ 215 kg - got it to mid shin. Felt my hips & hams strain but couldn’t overcome the sticking point
Fail @ 215 kg - this time it was personal.
3 x 5 @ 170 kg
2 sandbag squats/ extensions
2 x 3 @ 100 kg
1 x 5 @ 100 kg
3 Leg curls
3 x 12
Notes:
- 190 kg felt good as did all warm ups.
I was actually pretty sure I’d get 215 kg, which is rare. Still didn’t get it. I hate deadlifts.
Video:
3 Likes