Good workouts K.
Looks like you’re doing good now.
Well I am doing physically fine I suppose. I should probably give an update soon on how things are developing.
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07.11.
You know what I always liked about tnation besides the more obvious? It is different from any other place in the internet (that I frequent) because it is mature. I am not active a lot outside the log section anymore. What I always appreciated however was that you can be direct, honest and in disagreement about something without it escalating into a bitch fight and name calling. I once told @yogi (don’t know If that is his correct alias) or example how I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I was him. That is pretty harsh. I argumented why I felt that way and he reacted by saying that he understands my point of view and is therefore Not offended, but has a different look on the matter.
That is kind of fascinating to me because the internet is a silly place and it makes this community unique.
I actually really do care about a few people here and I am genuinely happy for them if they have success in sport or private life if they share details about that.
To tnation, eh? 
That was something that I have written down a few days ago.
1 strict press
Up to
2 @ 60 kg
1 @ 70 kg
1 @ 80 kg
1 @ 90 kg - PR (+10 kg)
Yes this is 10 kg above my highest documented strict press. However I practically never include strict pressing in my schedule. So I might have had the strength to do this feat at some other point in my training career but never knew.
2 high incline barbell bench press
5 @ 60 kg
5 @ 70 kg
5 @ 80 kg
3 neutral grip db shoulder press
10 @ 22 kg
4 bunch of sets of lat pull down
5 tricep extensions
3 x 15-20
6 boxing intervals
30 sec work, 30 sec rest for 10 minutes
7 Tabata (4 min)
Ancient crosstrainer
Notes:
- I felt alive when I worked up to that PR for a brief moment. That was the only moment for today. I can’t feel happy about that PR afterwards sadly. Maybe later.
- was thinking a bunch about programming going forward. In that process I bought Thor’s Power Program 1.0, 2.0 and 2.0 Gym Lifts as a bundle for 47$. That’s why I am now starting to max out on lifts. I want to start the program in 2 weeks. I’ll begin with 1.0 (doesn’t include strongman specific training) and then progress to 2.0. I should then be finished mid may. That could possibly line up well with comp season. I don’t know yet If I want to do the program with push presses or strict presses.
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Unfortunately no one has heard from him since May.
Anyway he’s Scottish, so your assessment was harsh but fair.
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It’s a pretty good community.
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Yep agree it is different to other part of the web. It is very similar to a running forum I was on when I ran. There were a lot more mature members there (like there is here)?and that tends to keep it civil and promote healthy debate most of the time.
Good job on the PR mate
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Thanks mate. Came as a surprise. Strict press is a funny animal - the 90 kg looked fast and felt like a possible double mayyybe a triple, but 95 kg was pretty much stapled to my chest
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First time I pressed a plate was about six weeks after I’d hit the grindiest 57.5kg of my life; literally took six full seconds to lock out.
I put 58kg on the bar to lock up a small PR and easily tripled it. Then I went for 60 and 62.5, both going pretty smooth. Three weeks after that I couldn’t get 57.5kg up again.
Meant to do this write up for days no but never found the strength or maybe wanted to wait if I could find a moment where I am not as down. On the other side, this might be the perfect timing in a way.
Life/ Health Update
It’s been 2 weeks since I moved back to my parents from Munich.
The first week was going really well. I had the feeling that the new medication was doing a great job and started to work good. It prevented panic attacks as far as I could tell. It started to help my depression I think and I was beginning to be optimistic for the first time in a long time.
This week or these last couple of days marked another turning point for the worst. At first it was mainly the complete lack of energy and will to do something as well as dead tiredness. Kind of how you feel when you have a fever and bad flue I’d say. Now it is something much much darker.
I was at the docotor’s nearly every day this week (regular doc). I appreciate that he is putting in effort instead of just putting everything down to my depression even though we both know that’s what’s causing me my issues. Did a sleep screening yesterday night (Sound familiar @Markko ?). He took blood again to analyze thyroid function.
Was there again this morning. I honestly thought it’s not gonna get much worse than yesterday. How could it right? I am now 3.5 hours awake and can whole heartedly say: I was wrong…
First the results of the medical examinations: Sleep study showed slight problems but nothing to really worry or act on. I snore very heavily but breath fine mainly. The blood test showed a thyroid hypofunction. I will take mild hormones for that going forward. Next I ask about hormones in general as I know people who feel way better mentally after taking testosterone. I thought asking is free (I honestly couldn’t care less about the function as a steroid atm). He was not a fan and sees no indication.
We also talked depression. I was on the edge of a breakdown. He asked the question that I have heard so many times in the recent past: “Do you have suicidal thoughts?” I kinda dogded the question. He got alarmed, looked me dead in the eye and asked “are you going to commit suicide?”. The question is not new but for the first time I couldn’t say no with 100% conviction.
He suggested admitting me to a hospital so that I would get into a locked down mental health clinic. I declined. I don’t want to commit suicide. He gave me a number of a psychotherapist who just settled down in our village and might therefore have open spots. He made me promise to not kill myself and I promised.
I don’t want to die. That is not at all the message. I just don’t know how much more I can take. If it ever gets better. If I can continue to fucking live like this and if it is even worth it going on. Everything ist so exhausting. All this fighting is incredibly exhausting.
As kind of a side note I reached out to Andrew Clayton (pro strongman) because he has posted about having been in a mental health clinic. Pretty nice of him to answer and share. He also again confirmed how much he likes @t3hpwnisher 's log.
Back to the topic. Next tuesday is my appointment in the day clinic. No idea when the actual admission is going to happen though. I hope that things are going upwards. It’s hard to believe that or hope anything. I also am very worried about the road trip. I am not sure if I can do it. It might also help on the other hand.
I’ll make a promise to you guys. Before I would actually kill myself I will definitely try any other option. That’s the best I can do right now.
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Thankyou so much for sharing. I don’t have much in the way of advise and I am not going to pretend I understand how you are feeling. All I can offer is my support. If you need to talk. I am here to listen.
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Hang in there my brother.
If it helps, when I’ve been at my lowest what held me back was sheer curiosity. I wanted to find out what the next day will bring.
Take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour.
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I am trying. I am fighting for sure. Sometimes I should try to give myself a bit more credit for that. I can’t describe how tough it is to not give up at times. I had a nice evening yesterday. Struggled to go and stay like with every little activity these days. I was a t a friend’s house with another friend that I haven’t seen for a long time. She studied psychology and is getting her license as a therapist by working at a closed mental health clinic. We talked a lot about my situation and that helped a bit. Although it is l hard/ close to Impossible to hold on to a good feeling … Still one hour at a time. She said it’s remarkable that I still manage to go to the gym and I should give myself some credit for that.
09.11.
1 squat
Up to
1 @ 130 kg (belt from here)
1 @ 150 kg (wraps from here)
1 @ 170 kg
1 @ 180 kg - ties my raw /w wraps PR.
2 high bar squat
3 @ 110 kg
3 @ 130 kg
3 bulgarian split squats
2 x 10 per leg @ 2 x 10 kg dbs
Notes:
- I feel freaking alive when I work up to a heavy single. Just those 10 minutes. It is incredible. I want to feel like that again for more than 10 minutes. I crash pretty hard after tbh though. So assistance work becomes difficult. Funnily enough it is a very hard fight to even get up to train despite that.
- Had more in the tank and the 180 kg felt and moved better than last time I hit this weight. The setup there with those horrible squat stands makes even this weight a real risk.
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You should give yourself credit for saying fuck you, I’m not going and fighting through this.
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11.11.
1 Push press
1 @ 90 kg
1 @ 100 kg
1 @ 110 kg
1 @ 120 kg
1 @ 130 kg - PR!
2 log lift (clean each rep)
3 @ 45 kg
3 @ 65 kg
3 @ 75 kg
5 @ 85 kg
3 incline db press (pause at lowest position)
8 @ 25 kg
3 x 6 @ 32,5 kg
4 chest supported t-bar row
1 x 8
4 x 6
5 face pulls
3 x 15-20
6a bicep curls
2 x 12
6b tricep extensions
2 x 12
Notes:
- don’t really know where that came from but it happened. Two more maxes to go before things are going to get pretty light and boring with the new program
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Sick PR man.
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Hell man, I skip the gym when the weather is gloomy sometimes.
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That 3-plate press is well on the way.
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12.11.
30 min stationary bike
12.11.
I had a pleasent surprise yesterday. I wrote an e-mail on friday to the office of my psychiatrist that I forgot to get a new appointment for the 24th at latest. I didn’t even stress any urgency but they answered me on Monday morning that the doc will call me around midday. I am thankful that she seems to care and wants me to get through this alive. She called me and I described how much worse everything got. She thinks that my meds aren’t really working and that the dosage might be too little. She didn’t want to prescribe me more right away but she said she will call the day clinic where I had my appointment today to stress that I need treatment as fast as possible. She also promised to call me tomorrow (Wednesday) to ask how everything went and possibly talk about meds - she didn’t want to alter anything on the phone and wanted me to talk with the clinic at first.
Today I had said appointment. A friend drove me there (I avoid driving atm depending on how I feel. I don’t need to create more stress and risk than necessary). The place looked run down to say the least and we were both pretty irritated why you would treat patients in a place that looks depressing itself. I said down with the docotor’s helper and she asked for my admission paper from my physician as well as my insurance card. When I handed both over she said that’s the wrong paper. From there it went kinda like this:
Me: “Ok no problem, I can’t get the right kind today and send it in”
Her: “It doesn’t work that way, we have to make another appointment”
Me: “This paper ist for an admission into a clinic, no matter if treatment is stationary or ambulant!”
Her: “Correct and you need this paper once you start here but for a first evaluation you need a different one”
Me: “You’ve gotta be kidding me”
Her: " Sorry I can give you an appointment on… The 18th of February"
Me: “February?! I can’t wait to get help until February!”
Her: " Well February would be the moment we put you on a waiting list anyway, not the start of your treatment".
Me: “Bye”
So yeah, have the wrong piece of paper - go die in a hole.
How someone with so little empathy got a job in a place like that remains a mistery.
That is a setback. I had high hopes here…
But the plan stays the same basically.
I’m not done yet.
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Sorry to hear about the clinic man, that’s a bummer.
Monster friggin press dude, that’s some serious weight.
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