So today I learned firsthand the benifits of getting enough fiber.
I had to go see a doctor because my asshole kept hurting, especially after my bowel movement yesterday (I can already hear the gay jokes headed my way lol)
Doctor tells me I had a small tear in the vicinity of my rectum from pooping too big of a shit. He told me to get some Ex-Lax to soften my poop so that the tear can heal.
Unfortunatly, the ex lax cannot soften the turd I’ve been too scared to pass all day.
This was the first time I’ve cried from physical, bodily pain in many years. I broke a sweat I was in so much pain!
So, yeah…if I had eaten more fiber my poop probably wouldn’t have resembled cinder blocks and I probably would have ripped my ass.
[quote]handsomedevil wrote:
So today I learned firsthand the benifits of getting enough lube.
I had to go see a doctor because my asshole kept hurting, especially after my friend Doug rammed me yesterday (I can already hear the gay jokes headed my way lol)
Doctor tells me I had a small tear in the vicinity of my rectum from pushing too big of a wiener in. He told me to get some KY to at least wet the tip so that the tear can heal.
Unfortunatly, the KY cannot soften the RAMROD I’ve been too scared to take all day, but I know is coming.
This was the first time I’ve cried from physical, bodily pain in many years. I broke a sweat I was in so much pain!
So, yeah…if I had eaten more wiener, my ass probably wouldn’t have resembled Cyndi Lauper’s face and I probably wouldn’t have Doug mad at me right now.[/quote]
Go to a public restroom, where there are metal dividers between the stalls. You want to be between two metal dividers, not next to a wall.
Sit down, prepare for battle. Maybe take off your belt and bite down on it, if you’ve got expensive dental work.
When the shit goes down (har!) start pushing on the walls, hard. As you cramp out your demon shit, you will naturally to push harder, and very likely begin to yell, involuntarily. By the time you get that fucker out, you may have broken one of the walls. You would be surprised at the scary wild animal strength you can muster when you’re trying to shit out a watermelon.
Post-workout shake.
If you do manage to break a wall, you can at least take solace in that for the next couple days while you’re checking the TP for blood.
Next time (assuming you’re dumb enough to have a next time), go to Walmart and get a bottle of glycerin for $5. Shoot a syringe full of that up there and hold it for as long as you humanly can.
The combination of the lubricating power of glycerin and the fact that it is an irritant that makes your ass try to spit out anything it can, you’ll end up launching a turd torpedo whether you want to or not.