@old_brit
That’s just atrocious for the both of you and I’m very sorry! I’ve never thought of it ever getting that bad.
What I’ve wondered is if she’s gonna be waddling around with joint pain when she’s 40 while I’m 45 and playing ice hockey with my son. I don’t wanna run circles around her…I want her to keep up or hell… Even challenge me to things!
But like a said in the original post, I got myself into this so it is what it is. Wish I wouldn’t have been such a passive person
@ all you other fools
That’s some crazy shit! I had a pretty good upbringing overall. Really my biggest complaint is we were conservative church of christ so I was a goodie goodie and never really had a bad phase. If I got grounded it was usually because of grades.
I’m not sure if I would say my parents are madly in love, but I do feel like they are legitimately happy together.
I’m older. I’ve been with a lot of women. Experienced a lot sexually. What I’ve learned? Most experiences are best in the beginning. Sometimes the beginning can last years, other times months even weeks. If you are not into fat chicks (I am sometimes, some of them are still sexy. And sometimes it’s a lot of fun!), then you need to meet a woman that is in shape already who focuses on maintaining her body, or a woman who is serious about getting into shape and wants to do it for the rest of her life. The second option isn’t guaranteed because women change their minds, especially after having YOUR kid.
You can never get away with telling a woman she is fat. It’s just not going to be accepted. Heck, she might not even consider herself fat. People get disillusioned. I’ve tried to gently tell a SO that she was no longer as small as she thinks she is. I gently tried to say it, and she went to 10 with the attitude and attacked me. You just can’t win with that. You would need other people to tell her she is fat. And I find it odd that women who have men leave them because of their weight then later decide to lose weight so they can attract another man… Only to gain weight again afterwards. I’ve had friends who also have tried to tell their wives they have gained a bit much and it never turns out good. And you better be chiseled if you say such things, otherwise her, her friends, and her family have a lot of ammo to throw back at you.
I have had a female that I used to be attracted to, and then hooked up with her again a few years later after she let herself go. I wasn’t attracted to her physically, I still cared about her and she constantly was looking for me to say how much I wanted her. I had to concentrate to have sex with her and it bothered me. She would sort of force herself on me.
The point of this, you are sort of screwed. You still went and had a kid with her. 50% custody is only if you live in a state that goes that way and your wife is down for it. She could always decide she wants full custody and will probably get it. You doing the majority of care for the kid may not mean anything to your wife if she is self centered. She could make everything hard for you going forward. Imagine you split, she gets custody, you see your kid every other weekend. She fills your kids with BS about you not being about anything. How you abandoned them, You are a horrible person, you used to abuse her. (I’ve heard it all). Basically turning your kid against you. The saying “It’s cheaper to keep her”. It’s a saying for a reason. Once during a custody battle and break up (and arrest), I had cops telling me “it’s cheaper to keep her”.
It’s hard to return to the center when you’ve moved so far apart in opposite directions unless you BOTH really want it and are willing to do what it takes.
Otherwise, like previously mentioned, protect your assets. Read about parental rights in your state. And protect yourself.
Also, the thought of being with other women sounds good and is for some guys, but sex without feelings is empty. Dating a lot of different women gets expensive. Sleeping around gets old. Meeting someone new that has the same interest as you is hard. There are a lot of crazy people out there. They don’t tell you they are crazy up front, you have to invest time before you figure it out.
Is this a possibility? Sure. Are you projecting? Definitely. I know more divorced couples that work amicably and co-parent than I do bitterly divorced ones. Your experiences don’t have to be his.
My last split is actually pretty good considering the kids. I had a bad split many years ago in a different state. And I’ve had friends go though bad splits. My oldest son is going through a bad split now (Child support). The rules depend on the state you live in and to some degree what you allow to happen. My goal is to let him know he needs to be prepared to protect himself if it goes to split. Working it out would be ideal. Short of that, be prepared.
In Missouri in the early 90’s, the mother got custody if she wanted it and the father didn’t have the means to fight. This info was from a lawyer I knew at the time. Now a days I hear split custody is popular, but I’m only familiar with Texas now.
I can relate, this is how my marriage was and I got out before we had any kids. And with the lack of sex, that wasn’t going to be an issue anyway.
If you can go without the sex or with the bad sex, I would stay for your child. If not, do what you gotta do.
I’m also Oregonian AF, so you could also try to negotiate an open marriage. I have a friend who does this, and him and his wife have a very happy sex life amongst themsleves and other people.
@EmilyQ Yes, self care can be summed up with the old adage to ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’.
@MightyMouse17 The reason why I posted was to point out a possible future outcome that you may not have considered. I probably should have said this in my original post.
This is why I keep a tab book which I will quietly continue to update until the day after the youngest is 18, at which point I will present it to the dear ones with a note that pain and suffering will be paid back in-kind.
Much nicer than this approach.
This is a joke, I do not care to know how much I have spent as it will give me heartburn.
More seriously, sorry to hear you had to hear this - people who are hurting often say damaging things.
Obviously this thread has been largely about sex, but I want to make it clear that I really don’t have any intentions about just chasing the hottest piece of ass and having one night stands if we split. Sure, maybe at first I’d just wanna hookup a few times, but ultimately that isn’t me.
I want both an emotional and physical connection. I wanna be turned on by her intelligence and her body. Of course we’re all gonna age, but there’s a huge difference in doing it gracefully versus just not giving a fuck and weighing hundreds of pounds before you realized what bit you in the ass.
I feel 99.9999% sure that a divorce would be amicable. I don’t see custody being an issue and believe it would be a 50% thing and include video chats frequently too. I honestly don’t even think she’d make me pay child support. And if anything became an issue, my parents have the ability to help me lawyer up more than her family. Still not ideal of course but I don’t see myself getting screwed over. I’m in Fort Worth, Tx btw.
About the open marriage…I dunno if I could do it and it just sounds so taboo. But absolutely last resort for us… Maybe we both get a “hall pass” to hookup and just see how we feel about it afterwards. Maybe I’d bang a hottie and realize it feels just like it did with my wife and discover that I’m just not into sex. I don’t think that would be the outcome but it’s a possibility.
Man, that’s horrible. And people should never take frustration out on kids. That pisses me off!
My mother and father fought. Eventually she killed him. It didn’t just destroy our family, it destroyed our extended families as well. She lived with alternative facts in her head. And years later when I discovered the real facts, it destroyed me again. My brother told me they should have split but for some reason they stayed together.
I’ve thought the same thing for years. Even though I haven’t experienced sex, in my earlier years when I was dating someone attractive I got more of a warm feeling and could pitch a tent rather easily even just holding hands. I never really have had that feeling with the wife. I get butterflies is a very temporary thing, but I literally never got that sensation with her.
I’ve hesitated to bring this up because I feel some people overreact about it, but I do watch porn some. It’s not an everyday or even every other day thing, but I do watch it sometimes. And when I do I’m not watching plumper pass or bbw. I’m watching women that are in reasonable shape.
I don’t get off as much as I’d like cause I hold off and tell myself I’m gonna save it for the wife. But days go by and it just kind of never happens so whether I look at porn or not I’ve gotta relieve myself somehow or I won’t be able to sleep.
God I feel like the more I share the more I seem like a terrible person geez.
There is quite an analogy here. In mine though, after several attempts, one which we witnessed, she finally killed herself. It does wreck entire swaths of families and lives. Terribly destructive.
Oddly (or maybe not?) as a family and brothers, we never talk about it. It’s only in the past year that I’ve been sorting through a lot of these things with a therapist.
I sympathize. I haven’t had familial experiences as severe as yours and his but I’ve alluded to serious issues of the past and surprisingly, although they seriously affected me at the time, it was not until I had kids that I realized exactly how they affected and the degree to which they did. They affected my brother far more than me considering what he’s been through. Upon realizing this about three years ago, I went through a period of internalized, unbridled rage that I thankfully managed to keep internalized. Like, a transgression of another would come over me, and thinking I didn’t realize it at the time, and think, “That f— bastard/bum/deadbeat…” and it world spiral from there. I was going to return to a therapist Considering mine retired but I worked through it all near fully with simply conversations with friends, wife, and my in-laws. That, and something else, solved it, but the belated fixing of that it you speak of hit home with me.