Buddy 200lbs @ 5ft is like medically obese!
No shit you find her frumpy. Terrible for her mood and energy also
Thought I could finally get on my laptop and type since the wife is at the store, but my son is keeping me too busy! Sorry, will try too respond when I can!
@on_edge
Definitely my biggest concern in this situation overall is my kid. I’ve read different threads here and there on reddit and it seems to be a mixed bag of whether kids would have rather there parents just split or stay together. Of course ultimately its best if things can end up working.
Even if we didn’t have a son, then I’d probably be too concerned about what close friends and family might think and still be here. I really struggle with making decisions in my life that make me happy and instead default to being a people pleaser. Thats pretty much what got me into this situation in the first place.
As I’ve stated several times, we do have decent companionship, but her strong pessimism and lack of desire to care for herself is a huge turnoff sexually and emotionally. Not really at all what I wanted in a life partner but I can’t give up yet.
I dunno if much has been resolved with all this but I’m glad I got it off my chest and appreciate everyones contribution so far.
Feel free to continue with questions or words of wisdom.
I think that its the heat of the moment that makes her say those things, but there is probably some truth to it. Many times after conflict she’ll(we’ll I suppose) just act like it never happened the next morning.
As per helping out I’m not sure how much more time I can spend doing that without missing time with my son in the evenings. At the very least I do my fair share.
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I don’t know if this bit was directed at me, but if it was, that’s not what I meant. But just an observation: you seem very focussed on the physical things you bring to the relationship in terms of chores or whatever.
I’ve tried to keep my specific advice and thoughts pretty low key, but I think it would be a really good idea to listen to anything @EmilyQ has to say on the subject and to continue the conversation @SkyzykS started. I think me and him are probably thinking similarly, but he’s better at expressing himself than me.
I don’t know if I have a whole lot left to offer.
Mine is a work in progress.
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If there is no violence, derision or very bad coping mechanisms then parents together is no question better for the kids,. especially younger ones.
Even if we didn’t have a son, then I’d probably be too concerned about what close friends and family might think and still be here. I really struggle with making decisions in my life that make me happy and instead default to being a people pleaser. Thats pretty much what got me into this situation in the first place
Like in a lot of relationships, sounds like you have work to do for yourself first. Would you say you are the person you want to be?
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I’ve read most of this thread and definitely feel for your situation. These are my observations:
1-Your wife is overweight and unhappy due this. She refuses to try to get in shape which leads me to believe she does not want to admit this to herself. She then takes it out on you?
2-From my past experiences growing up around families that have split up including my first failed marriage it seems like children adapt to the split better when they are younger. The older they get the more the split seems to affect them later in life and how they initially adjust to it. My marriage ended when my son was only 3 and aside from the poor teachings of his mother he is doing fine. I had 2 good friends growing up that went through parents splitting in early teens and you could tell it affected them much differently then my situation. They are both a mess.
3-It really sounds like counseling would benefit you. From what I am reading here you have nobody that can can speak with about how you are feeling? Even if your wife will not partake, do it for yourself. Maybe if she sees a positive change in you she will come around. You can’t hold all of these feelings in and expect anything to change.
4-I’m not sure what your daily interaction is with your wife? Are you somewhat affectionate with each other? Completely ignore each other and do your own things? I’m asking this because I feel children pick up on these things and then belive this is what a normal/healthy relationship looks like. The carry this forward to their relationships. Like the father who assaults the mother in front of the child. The child then believes this is is how a relationship is and does the same later in life.
This is just me 2c. I know how this feels as my first marriage ended because even though I was the money earner and did most everything in the house that was not good enough. Even though I worked during the day and came home at night and took care of my son while she went off with friends I wasn’t doing enough. At the end of the day she cheated on me, had another child with that guy before we could even get a divorce and then cheated and that guy too. Of course then she proceeded to have another kid before abandoning that one and getting lost to drugs and alcohol and putting the child with her mother.
I wish you the best of luck in your situation. I know it’s tough but at the end of the day you need to be happy in your life. One this you don’t is to be 60 years old and living with regret for what could have been!!
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Were you EVER in love with your wife? If the answer is no, counseling can’t fix something that never existed, and staying together “for the kid” is usually misguided and damaging to the kid.
And no, marriage isn’t meant to be sexless and unemotional - that’s a narrative perpetuated by people who either haven’t been married or have only experienced an unhealthy marriage.
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I think thats how I am in showing someone I care. My first instinct is usually what can I do to make them more at ease.
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That’s absolutely admirable, but I’m suggesting that how you choose to show love, and how she recognises it don’t match.
Again, I’m not in your relationship, I don’t know any of this for sure though.
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I’ve learned a lot about myself the last 6-7 years. I don’t know that I’m exactly the person I want to be, but I am conscious of who I am and things I can do to better myself. The hardest part of course is taking action to keep improving over time. And I’m a procrastinator so it’s especially true for me.
For example, and this goes with the people pleaser issue… My entire family (including extended) are church going Christians. Well, about 12 years ago I became agnostic (while reading Mere Christianity by CS Lewis of all things!). While the whole church thing has been brought up here and there(especially since I had my son), I’ve always skirted around the question and they don’t know my belief still to this day. Finally told my older sister and her husband last year, but I knew they would be accepting. Brother in law is a closet agnostic too basically.
So this is long winded and maybe random but I guess the point I might be making of this is I just need to be bold and get the truth of how I feel out there to both my family and wife. I shouldn’t have to feel crazy amounts of anxiety that my family might shun me or the wife may be extreme when I speak concerns about our marriage.
Haha, thanks, but I really don’t know what to say beyond I agree that a therapist (for you, not the two of you) would be the best thing you can do, @MightyMouse17. Someone who can help you find your voice, though not necessarily to address your wife’s fitness, which it sounds like may or may not even be the point if you feel violated by sex with her, and didn’t enjoy it in the beginning either. What happened with the other woman you slept with? Was she attractive to you at the time?
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. If you do decide to do therapy, don’t tolerate a shitty or stupid therapist, find one you like and respect.
Oh wait, I do have more to say…
Yes, and if I’m recalling correctly, couples in their 50’s who are still having sex are having more of it than couples in their 30’s. Married men have more sex than single men. Sure, there’s a slowing (life becomes more and more complex until kids leave home) but two people with healthy libidos who like each other and are attracted to one another are going to be enjoying that particular perk of sleeping together.
Oh, well, many times a day…yeah, probably not on the regular, lol.
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Just a passing comment (not weighing in)
^ I would rather have had a split than listen to 4-5 years of fighting /playing mediator
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She has stated that she doesn’t like being overweight, but has never really tried that hard. She knows I’m here for her to help but you have to tread carefully with women! Lol. That may be part of the reason she can be bitter but who knows.
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This is my biggest concern of this situation. Part of the reason I’m finally venting and seeking wisdom is because I know I need to start having tough conversations with the wife and decide what the future holds. To me it’s either get out sooner than later or till death do us part. I feel like staying together for the kids like you said could harm my son more. I mean when he’s out of high school transitioning into the world he doesn’t need his parents to be like “Sike!”
I’m pretty worried what his health would be like if we split as well. I constantly battle to get him to eat at least somewhat healthy, but get called a buzz kill or health nazi. But with my presence the snack giving isn’t as bad. She gets him up and ready for school every morning and he gets a snack literally everyday before going to daycare where they give them breakfast first thing… That’s about the only time I’m not around to police it.
I will say other than that she is a pretty good mom.
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I’ve thought about personal counseling but I’d like it if we could just go together if I can convince her. But you’re right venting and discussing with a professional myself would be good.
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We don’t ignore each other but we’re not really affectionate either. We kiss here and there and she may lay her head on my lap when we’re done with dinner watching a show. I don’t really get much out of it though as the feeling is pretty neutral.
I feel like even if I was with a super hottie I wouldn’t wanna cuddle all night. She likes to cuddle in bed but I literally cannot sleep and need my space. But we may do that and chat for a few.
Honestly nothing super crazy is going on. It comes down to pessimism, health, and sexual frustration mostly.
I see a few other posts I want to respond too but not sure I’ll get to it tonight.
You need space to figure you out, I think. Bringing her in with you seems like setting her up to get ganged up on, assuming the therapist doesn’t decide you’re a giant jerk for not embracing her as she is, and then they both gang up on you.
Obviously the therapist will strive to be professional, but really, what would you hope to accomplish? WERE you attracted before the weight gain?
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Just to drop something in here that I hope will be helpful and won’t sound like I’m trying to correct @EmilyQ (I’m not, she’s smarter and better trained than me). These figures are averages, not laws. As in another thread that I’m not getting involved with, people have noticed trends that they’ve found data to support and that’s great but there will still be plenty of outliers. Just because you’re over 50, doesn’t mean you will suddenly get a more active sexlife or that if you don’t have a more active sexlife over 50, you’re doing something wrong.
100% concur
I’ve been an unofficial marriage counselor for my parents for the past 6 years.
The only reason I don’t want them to divorce is for financial reasons
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You are correct and should let the post stand. I did mean averages, but also did note that those “who are still having sex,” which supports what you’re saying.
My only point was that statistically it’s not all doom and gloom “so you might as well stay in a sexless marriage because eventually you’ll be there anyway.”
Someone upthread noted that Tom Brady is probably tired of Gisele, but I would guess that both Tom and Gisele got laid last night.
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