May I ask what’s wrong in terms of you stating you have an eating disorder? Bigorexia or anorexia?
Whether one looks big at a specified weight depends on
Orthorexia probably, never had it formally diagnosed. But it’s pretty evident I have issues.
interesting… do you display any symptomatology regarding anxiety/fixation on macronutrients, what to eat?
What happens if you stray outside of you’re designated comfort zone/ eat the “wrong” food?
Does this pertain to just diet or diet + exercise… and would you say this has a significantly detrimental impact on day to day living?
I’ll gladly reply later, but I’m… going to the gym! 
Eat all the food, get fucking huuuge, grow a big beard, make your ancestors proud.
Interestingly enough, finishing a leader/anchor of BBB Beefcake made me realize that I didn’t care about getting a bit more fluffy in the long run, because I crushed some of my previous PRs. The feeling of getting stronger, for me, completely outweighed the loss of a little definition.
If the fixation is evident to myself, undoubtedly. If it translates outside of that I my family has expressed displeasure/concern with regards to my eating- and exercise-habits to some degree and a few friends at that. At my previous employment people eventually expressed concern about me being anorexic and at my current place of employment I’m noted as a slight oddball with regards to food.
My anxiety and fixations aren’t too caught up with macronutrients, but I pay an unwarranted attention to micronutrients and is the primary metric on which I guide my food choices.
Now, on this forum this isn’t exactly outlier-type behaviour, opting for say sweet potatoes over pasta but I don’t remember last time I had pasta. Rice pasta, sure, but pasta pasta I have no idea.
Here’s one display of my fixations: I just (literally) had a post-workout meal that I felt could’ve gone well with what we in my country call “curry”-spice (distinctly different from Indian curry) but since it consists of a lot of anti-inflammatory spices I opted to forego it.
I don’t dislike what I eat, I even like a lot of it, but I think there are meal plans I’d enjoy more in regards to flavour that are comparable to my current eating. The composition of my meals have been more guided by their utility than taste or satisfaction.
As I live alone, and have the luxury of being able to prepare my meals this rarely happens. I can manage a one-off social event. But, during the holidays there were three days in a row where one meal each day was without my control. On the third day I had to lock myself in the bathroom and lay down on the floor until my head stopped spinning. I’d like to note that every meal was clean-ish. Just… unmeasured.
I haven’t had “wrong” food in a long time. Last I recall was when I was walking in the mountains, I ate a bunch of snack-type food. On the way up I figured I could run a slight deficit and it ended up taking me several hours to do what I backtracked in a fraction of the time the next day when I ate whatever I could. I didn’t mind, because I was utilising the “wrong” food for energy. But if I could have a bag of crisps and lie on the couch? No. I don’t see that as viable yet.
Diet and exercise. Significantly detrimental, not on most days. On a lot of days it serves to keep me humming along rather well despite placing rather large activity requirements on my body. Or at least I tell myself that, gauging how true it is exactly is tough. But occasionally it’ll get the best of me, rather than me getting the best of it.
On some days it’ll occupy essentially all I manage to think that day. On others, it runs on autopilot. It’s certainly costly with regards to money spent. It used to take a lot of time out of my work day but I mitigated that recently as my schedule changed.
Again, living alone it doesn’t create any friction within my household. But it does have a social impact. In my country we have a distinct fika-culture (it’s a word that cannot be translated and that every expat here loves. BTW, @kdjohn you have to learn what fika is) in which I cannot meaningfully participate in.
Even if I don’t notice how much of a stressor it is I’m probably overall more stressed than I would be without these hangups and I doubt that the benefits outweigh that.
I’m stressed about upcoming work trips simply because of not having control over my meals during those trips.
It’s not feasible to distill it all into one post but ask follow-up questions if you want to know anything. I’ve travelled the path of eating unhealthily, to orthorexic, to anorexic, and back to orthorexic.
@EmilyQ and @planetcybertron if you feel there’d be any benefit to learning more please feel free to ask as many questions as you like and no need to try and phrase things delicately. I won’t read anything into how the questions are asked.
And anyone else that wants to try and understand, please feel free to ask.
BBB Beefcake Week 1
A. Press
5@30, 35, 40
Easy, and makes me more concerned about my squat TM. I’ll record a video of my squats next Sunday for a bar-speed sanity check.
B1. Press
5x10 @ 30
Pretty controlled eccentric
B2. Lunges
5@50
5@50?
5@60
5@40 front rack position
5@40 front rack position
With my hamstring still slightly injured I couldn’t load this as heavily as I feel like I’d be able to do. Changed to front rack and it hit my quads and abs better.
**B3. Ab-wheel (kneeling) **
10
10
10
5+5
10 (bent leg hanging leg raises)
Will alternate between HLR and ab-wheel roll-out in the future.
Time: 19:30
From memory, you’ve been a bit heavier previously. Do you think this is something that stems from that time, or something you’ve always had?
I have. Uhm, I’d say I went through a very common having a bit of extra fat as a result of being a sedentary teen and maybe being somewhat uncomfortable going without a shirt without it affecting my eating habits during those years.
After I started my diet I worked hard and with laser like focus but could, and overdid, the laxness coming out of my deficit the first time. And then I sunk into a really long period of pursuing a deficit and it was during that long stretch which had very few minor interruptions that the habits went from being exerted to help me achieve a goal to getting the best of me.
There’s also a time when I didn’t log, so it’s difficult to chronicle, and my issues became evident to me after I already started to work to resolve them. I appreciate now, much more than I did then, just how sick I was during the worst period when my heart started struggling. There wasn’t a single fiber in me in the doctor’s office when I sought help for the my arythmia then that thought I brought it on myself through undereating. I thought I had a disease of another kind.
Did that answer your question?
I started dieting because I felt unwell physically and psychologically but not about how I looked. I started having bouts of ED at 96kg (fat) and knew instinctively that a doctor would immediately chalk up all my symptomology to being overweight and under-exercised and so I decided to remove that factor from the diagnosis process before even seeking help. The weight came off, but the problems persisted.
Previously I’d been on medication for bipolar disease and worried it was a residual side-effect from that. But, according to the health professionals accessible to me at the time ED was not a side-effect that had been reported and I had discontinued the use of the drugs many months prior to experiencing problems.
I’ve since been cleared of that diagnosis.
We instinctively grew up with “fika-ness” in my family (both sides are Swedish). Those moments were always very important to me, and I continue to try and cultivate them as I get older. I never knew the name for such moments and atmospheres until meeting my Swedish buddy at work, however.
And yes, I can see how fika would be difficult to enjoy with dietary stressors.
Fika has such universal appeal it seems. My Portuguese, Irish, American, Chilean, and Brazilian friends all love it.
(Sidetracking you’re log for a moment)
Probably because it helps create a sense of connection and rest. In the midst of a busy day in a busy life, to have a second to just chill with another human being and release endorphins over a warm drink and sweet treat is wonderful.
Which, if we want to bring it back to training, could be incredibly beneficial from a recovery standpoint; giving yourself moments (in controlled doses) to just rest and “be” is very healthy physically and mentally.
@danteism is fika a thing in Finland?
I’m willing to learn whatever you wish to go into detail about. I like seeing as many personal viewpoints on the subject as I can. While I understand, I do have a bit of a disconnect with the more restrictive behaviors. Individually speaking, that is. Mostly from the fact that I choose a different route.
I think it answered the question I asked. I’m not quite clear on the questions that I should ask, I find it hard to get a handle on these things, so I apologise if I appear clumsy or insensitive on the topic
Maybe I’m confusing your study major with that of someone else but I believe that you were studying to become a psychologist or psychiatrist?
If I’m correct, if you have any questions that you’d want answered I welcome it. Hopefully it can help you help someone else in the future. Again, presuming I didn’t make a mistake here.
No that’s correct. I’m not sure what I could ask at this very moment, but I do appreciate you reaching out. When the questions start popping up I’ll definitely let you know.
You didn’t come across as insensitive. And earlier I did write that no one has to attempt to be delicate with how they phrase things. While I might not be able to meaningfully reply to a hypothetical
but why don’t you just… not let it bother you?
Because I don’t know how I couldn’t.
I have two siblings, one can eat two litres of ice cream if she wants to and feel no shame or that she has to exercise more to compensate. Or eat less to compensate. She’ll just eat… what she wants to when she wants to (also the smallest in stature of us all) and the other absolutely takes solace in exercising to excuse bad diet choices.
Perfect, the proverbial door is always open.