Sunday 2021-02-14
I was summarily dumped Friday, which isn’t like “happy” news but I tend to deal with these things fairly well. If I’m not the right fit for someone I’m glad for their sake that they realise that, are honest with themselves about their wants, needs, and desires, and I wish them well and hope they can find a person that fits them better.
I don’t take “rejection” personally as, fortunately, I’m quite content with who I am and don’t desperately desire to change all that much except for the things that cause me to function poorly.
It’s hard to translate into English with regards to what was the rub as “intimacy issues” is adjacent to what I’d call it but the phrase is not entirely correct. Therefore, I have to be more descriptive in how I capture the idea that caused the divide. But I guess “intimacy issues” is the general theme after all.
Curiously, my intimacy issues is that I have a hard time saying “no” even when I want to
More explicitly, we had differing needs with regards to how much closeness we need, desire, and also can give/receive without it being too much. She had needs that I was unable to meet sufficiently. She was projecting into the future that it could/would become a problem. Her analysis was sound, and I supported her in her thoughts.
It’s funny how romantic relationships are different from platonic relationships in this regard because you never think about your friends in these hypothetical ways and have that guide where the relationship goes. You don’t go, hmm… this person will probably make less time for me in the future when they met their future spouse so best not hang out now…?
I digress.
Saturday, she’d changed her mind. And this causes me problems. I’ve been “taken back” before. I think regardless of how the other person behaves afterwards existing in a relationship wherein I’ve been “taken back” is a destructive environment for me to be in. Because I’ll always be feeling insecure. Questioning. Trying to read their body language, anticipate subtext, …
As much as I hate to admit it, I wouldn’t just be insecure. I’d be resentful too. Of them, their fickleness.
And it is so sick, because I comforted her, and affirmed that she had every right to express her regrets. I genuinely feel that is true. She’s entitled to that. But, simultaneously, I’m internally raging that the decision is now mine to make with regards to what is about to happen to the relationship. Revive it, or stay the current course.
I generally struggle with putting my own needs first. I very often put others’ best interests first, to my detriment. That entire situation is best described metaphorically as being trapped between a rock and a hard place. And when making that decision, to stay the current course, I inevitably (whether or not this is “rightfully”) feel responsible for how sad I make the other. And I hate causing others harm, as it harms me.
Anyhow, I feel pissed off and sad. Yesterday I tried to find solace in a bag of candy, and that didn’t work (but I’m fucking elated I didn’t devolve into eating everything in the apartment so fuck yes that’s a win I’ve been longing for) and I can’t escape into climbing, or a social group (#pandemic) so fuck it, I felt like exercising some control over something I had control over and designed a different, off-plan, session for today with a premium on (relative) intensity. That was my “therapy” today.
A. Military press overcoming iso 3x6s
B. Close grip press/Military press
6@40 (CG)
4@45 (CG) + 2@45 (MP)
4@50 (MP)
C. Log press 3x6 @ 45
D1. Decline DB triceps extension 4010 tempo 3x8-10
D2. DB lateral raise 4010 tempo 3x8-10
Spend something shy of 2h on cross country skis earlier today. Realised just how frie my tris were from that on D1. I knew my back was spent, which was an encouraging nudge in not doing my planned session.
Going for relative intensity was fun but not as fun as a more adrenalingenic? Adrenalinic? workout is (supersets, rapid pace). Wasn’t really amped until my final log set as I couldn’t do my ordinary warmup of gymnastics inspired tomfoolery (finger)
