New Girlfriend & Number of Partners

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See explanation for double standard in previous post. It has all to do with the problem of high levels of bastardy and resultant social pathologies.

Do you think our ancestors decided to control sexuality after they made formalized tallies and hit the books or because of their connection to real life and seeing female and male behavior up close and being aware of the effects of what some authors call “sexual anarchy”? And they didn’t have to turn to Yahweh, Odin, or Allah, to deal with reality right in front of their faces. (Hey Odin, it’s me. I noticed when we let all these alpha males hog all the women, we’re stuck with these bastards causing trouble all over the place! It causes social unrest, low trust, jealousy, and resentment, and we can’t take on large scale projects and get shit done! What should we do?!”)

I don’t know how anyone else here draws conclusions and makes life decisions, but I do not do so by utterly academic and cerebral means. The content Andrewgen and I provided here, flawed as it is, only confirms what saw in my life before I knew such content existed. And I still see it.

As far as what amounts to too many partners of a woman for considering marriage material, that’s up to individual men to figure out, if they care about this matter; some don’t at all, and have alluded or said that even a triple-digit count isn’t too high for such consideration.

If I were single, I’d use my instincts based on age, explanation, number of partners, behavior and life history in the same way people judge one another for any social dynamic. In the case of a nineteen-year old woman with three, even if these three were boyfriends, I’d skeptically think, because of observation of young women (as biased a crowd as it was) when I was a young man, “Oh, one of those,” simply because I was around young women who had boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. But, as I said, if the woman seemed like a good woman and gave an explanation for this boyfriend dujour pattern I so frequently observed, I’d give her a chance.

I don’t need studies as a means superior to the alarm bells that go off in my head in dealing with men and women generally. They are useful to a degree but they’re not there for dealing with life. I have my sixth sense for that. For example, when starting a new job, simply by overhearing people and seeing how they behave, I can quickly tell, “this guy/gal is a shitbag; I’m likely going to have an issue with him/her and I’ll speak to him/her on a need-to-know basis, and that’s it!” The same instinct can be used in assessing who might be a suitable life partner.

Pardon me if this post was self-indulgent. I simply explained how I look at studies on social matters versus real life experience.

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That’s one guy per year since she was 16. Does that sound like she’s fucking around too much?

I’d be more worried about a girl who fucks a different guy every month.

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I’d argue that in terms of fidelity and marriage satisfaction, having relatively similar sex drives and good communication skills around sex is probably more than half the battle

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Right, up to the individual man to assess.

Considering they were boyfriends (whatever this term means at sixteen to nineteen years old now), no, I don’t think she was “fucking around”, but I’d be wondering why there was one boyfriend per year and how she moved from one to the next with such quickness. An explanation was given in her case.

For strictly numbers, I’d think three is high for a three year time frame at her age. I think one of the most important decisions a young woman makes who she lets get on top of her. But I understand others simply look at sex as a mostly recreational, feel-good activity

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When looking for a long-term female companion, do you prefer that 1 or 11 dicks have been in her before you?

I’d call that ‘statistically significant’, but some clearly prefer others’ seconds - as evidenced by those in this thread.

I’m going to unplug from this thread because we’re not even talking about OP’s concern anymore. I have nothing to add to @BrickHead’s post quoted below.

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I think one thing that is being talked past is that while many of us are looking at number of partners, the study in question is measuring marital satisfaction.

We’re fixating on the numbers of partners, but its quantifying an emotional variable.

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I can’t imagine caring about that. For me it would simply be that I don’t have a preference either way. I personally don’t care if the number is 50, or whatever. But I’m also almost 40 years old, obviously a number like that at age 20 is MUCH different.

A couple more notes though… It’s kind of weird to me that we’re talking about marital satisfaction/divorce rate/marital infidelity in a conversation with a 21 year old dude dating a teenager. Seems to me like we’re putting the cart before the horse here. And I think in the dating world, it makes sense to date different people with different life experiences, so that you can really learn what your thresholds are, what is ok with you and what isn’t, etc. I think it’s really easy to have preconceived notions based on societal norms and averages, but we shouldn’t rely on those things on an individual level.

I find it even weirder that averages and statistics are something ANYONE would look to when determining whether a relationship, again on an individual level, is a good one. I’ll be damned if I’m going to make decisions on what I do/don’t do based on what the average person does. Being average is the last thing I want to be, lol. I guess most people DO want to be average, but that’s just kind of… depressing. I’d rather make my own judgements, than let a bunch of statistics determine what I should be doing with my life.

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I’m not saying that it’s like this for everyone, but if a girl has been with 50 dudes - she’s for the streets IMO. I know everyone has their own cutoff, and I don’t know if I could even provide a firm number for mine; I just know that the more dudes a woman has been with, the less I’m interested in her.

This is very much why I wanted to exit this thread. To my own point in discussing this, though, is that I believe in only dating those who you would consider marrying… but I’m picky.

Agree with all of this here. Statistics are merely the measureable result of what happens in many situations; applied to this conversation, if a woman has been with 20+ men, her marital satisfaction is notably lower than those who have been with <10, and women in that category are notably less satisfied than those with <=5.

The argument where this could be applied is just an extrapolation of not wanting to marry the town pump. If that doesn’t matter to you, that’s fine… I just have a hangup on that. Maybe I’m the jealous type, IDK, I just hate the thought of other men having been with my wife.

EDIT:
This whole conversation could have been summarized with saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, but then we get back to the point of “how many men makes a hoe?”, to which we will all have different numbers.

Again, why I was trying to bail on this thread lol.

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Oh for sure, I totally understand this. I don’t have any issue with others caring about a number that high, I just don’t.

I’ve got a good friend who’s probably around 50 lifetime partners. She was a virgin until her early 30’s. Had sex. Then had a lot of it, with a lot of random partners, for about a year and a half. She’s 40 now, and has only had 1 partner since that period. She’s awesome, and absolutely not ‘for the streets’. Everyone has a story. Time period matters, to me. I would say the same thing about a 40 year old who had a lot of partners in, say, her early 20’s, then matured and stopped. Like if I met a girl who had 50 partners by age 25, and that number was 52 by age 40, that would show me growth and discernment, as far as her current state of mind goes. Context matters.

so this would be the other side of the big number, and I would tend to agree here. I’m not about to date a girl with the expectation that I’ll change her. If I met a girl who was CURRENTLY in a ‘fuck everyone’ phase… That would be a hard pass. And that number could be pretty low, for that matter. If the total was, say, 10, but they all happened in the last 2 months… not getting into that shit.

Essentially, I think the point I’m making is that circumstances matter, and we as men should be able to discern what the numbers actually mean within context, rather than relying on statistics too heavily. I’m pretty sure we agree on that.

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Agreed.

This all boils down to a matter of personal opinion, and in the situations you’d mentioned - those numbers are far more understandable. I try not to think about these things in absolutes, but no matter how awesome a woman is - I don’t think I could cope with a bodycount of 50, even if that number drastically reduced over time.

Why do we want muscles? Because they are hard to get and very few people actually have them. I guess my logic applies similarly to women :man_shrugging:

Good thing I’m married, because I don’t know if I could find another one with my over-picky ass :joy:

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Recent history is a massive factor. If she’s been putting it about as you’ve gotten to know each other and enjoying all that attention, it’s unlikely she’s gonna stop overnight for you. It’s pretty risky giving parts of yourself, potentially falling for someone and then realizing it was “just your turn” as she discards you for Mr. Next.

A lot of this conversation is just observational. As with every other area of life, we individually decide the values for ourselves, our standards change over time, and we all learn our lessons/evolve at a different paces. There’s things I would have accepted 10 years ago that I wouldn’t even consider now. I can’t apologize for that, and neither should I or anyone else have to.

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Justification for what? Ending relations with a girlfriend? Not going on a date with someone?

Why not? Someone can reject romantic interest from another for any reason they see fit.

Is a woman justified for rejecting a poor man?

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Makes sense. I also have to work within the framework of my own ‘bodycount’, which is… a lot more than 50. I’d be quite the hypocrite if I judged a woman for that number, lol. I assume that we have not led similar lives in this respect.

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Happy Birthday Jshaving!!!

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You have to fight all three of them, in the same sequence as she…huh…well, you know.
And, you have to win.

Not too bad, actually. Should be doable - even more than her.

Unless she had a gangbang with them. Then you have to fight all three of them at the same time.
You may get roughed up - even more than her.

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Thanks bro. Been driving and flying since 6am and I’m away from my family but it’s been a decent day. My traveling companions lost their luggage but I didn’t, so that’s my bday gift, haha.

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Scott Pilgrim vs. the World style

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Let me be either the one, or another person to say this: Even if she has a low body count, what does that mean to you? If it’s some trophy recognition of “cleanliness”, at least say that’s what you’re looking for, but let that be that.

What weight is that now going to hold over the entirety of y’all’s relationship? Making those deep meaningful moments isn’t tangent on you ALSO thinking “She hasn’t had many dicks.” It’s irrelevant.

I will be honest, because this is life stuff we’re talking about… I met my husband and he had had only 1 girlfriend prior. My husband met me and I had roughly 25-30 or so people under my belt. Yes he asked, yes I was honest.

I’ve found personally, that people ask that because they have some notion of “clean” or “purity” in their heads that they idealize. I’ve made a handful of people uncomfortable because I tend to really hone in on the issue with this topic. And again, usually it’s this notion of “clean.” Something untouched. Main reason I give an inner eye roll sometimes is because the intention or reason is fine, but we’re attaching it to the wrong thing. These ideas of something being “used”, “taken away from”, “not new”, etc., is what people tend to conjure up when that kind of question is asked.

I try to explain that the physical parts show nothing. Your partner could straight up lie and say she’s only been with one person. From a physical standpoint, you’d never know. Given she/he wasn’t abused, or hadn’t been conditioned to perform sexually in one or more particular ways. Instead I try to get people to shift their focus on the inside. THATS where a high body count can become an issue. What does that do to someone mentally and emotionally? For some people, it means nothing. Their emotional and mental state of being hasn’t been bothered, and therefore, what they bring to a relationship will justify (or not) itself. Then there’s the individuals whose high body count signifies a much deeper issue that will also affect the relationship.

The ONLY reason I say this is because eventually, other things will become significantly more important. Connection, financial well being, mental health, children, work/life balance. Let’s say all other things are “normal”, and a high body count doesn’t mean issues with sex/sexuality in a hypothetical situation. (I say this because MOST times a high body count signifies issues revolving around sex/sexuality, or coping mechanisms that often soothe deep seated issues, as I mentioned above.) So say that’s out of the question, and this person has the ability to remain faithful in a relationship.

Does this person ENHANCE your life? Yes? Shift your perspective. No? Then that would be the time to reconsider, BUT look at it from a behavior standpoint and not simply because she/he has had multiple partners.

Again, I’m gonna stress relativity because there’s plenty of relationships/marriages ending for something COMPLETELY different other than “How many people have you slept with.” There are more than enough men in relationships who cannot stand their partner and their partner has ONLY been with them.

And no, this is not me trying to excuse promiscuity. I am however, trying to point out that the “How many partners have you had question”, is…in a way…a confidence boosting tactic that has been so heavily engrained and perpetuated by both men and women for a very long time. Yes, I know someone will probably be more than happy to site a source relating it to biology/evolution/whatever third thing, but I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about today, and the slow emerging norms of society, that have stuck around.

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It means she is not promiscuous and her actions reflect that.

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I said in my post that I wasn’t excusing promiscuity. Even then, I don’t think my point is being understood.