My Most Excellent Idea

Off Topic
1

I have reached my Smith Machine breaking point. I must educate the assclowns at my gym that consider this useless device to be a wet dream with a sliding bar. These jerkoffs are taking benches and plates away from me, interfering with my workouts, not allowing me to do something productive. And for what? To execute a 300-pound partial squat that gives a bad name to partial squats. Yes, I’ve had enough.

I will write a short article of sorts that explains why the Smith Machine blows. It will cover the usual suspects: unnatural bar path, instability of the joints, etc. The article will not appear in any formal journal or publication. No, it can only be seen on the worthless piece of garbage itself – my gym’s Smith Machine.

What’s the plan of attack, you ask? It will be somewhat of a covert-op. No, I won’t be wearing a stocking over my head because that might attract unwanted attention. Rather, as I do a one-arm static hang from the Smith, I will use my free limb to affix the literature to the bar. Duck tape seems like a good choice to hold it in place. I’ll then casually roll across the floor and take my position behind the hip adductor machine. The 230-pound fox that’s sure to be adducting herself to a tight ass and firmer thighs will provide me with a much needed shield. With her unknowing help, I can safely use my telescopic lens to enjoy the bewildered expressions from the “loyalists.”

Finally, take note. I will charge a nominal fee to come to your gym and provide this service. I am now booking reservations.

2

Taping signs in various locations is kind of a hobby of mine. I’m not too witty, unfortunately. In gyms I have taped signs that said, “RACK YOUR WEIGHTS YOU LAZY FUCK”. These usually don’t stay up long, but one gym did scratch out “FUCK” and write “FOOLS” above it. I’ve also taped signs that say “IF I SEE YOU DROP THE DUMBBELLS I WILL SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS LENGTHWISE.”
None of these stayed up long. Please post your article so that we all may tape it in our gyms. OH, and please let the first line read, “ATTENTION ASSWIPES USING THIS PUSSY MACHINE:”

3

I salute you.

4

I guess you’ve never “really” squatted in the smith. The smith is a great piece of equipment for variation. Don’t get me wrong, I free squat 95% on the time, But it allows me to pick up a stale routine.

5

Smith’s have their place in the gym when used correctly. A more appropriate sign would be “If you don’t know when or how to use this machine, please don’t.” That sign would incorporate most of the Smith Machine bashers.

6

CMC, I’ve long considered just such an approach. Let us know how it goes. Adhesive materials, durability of the writing substrate etc. are key here. With time and dedication and perhaps many, many trials, we can suceed.

7

Maybe you should laminate the note. When they exhale from their intense workout, the spit may smudge the words.

8

“Ballistic bench pressers welcome, partial squaters Back the Fuck UP”

9

The smith machine is a dangerous piece of equipment. Keep this story in mind next time you see one…

I was working out at a Gold’s in a small town in South Carolina, so you know not much goes on. While we do turn out some fine young southern things, supermodels/fitness models/goddesses don’t really live around here. They do, however, occasionally visit.

I was in the gym one Saturday afternoon minding my own business like everybody else. In walks this woman, my height, plus or minus an inch (I never got close enough to get an exact measurment), and I’m 6’2’'. She kind of had the build of a volleyball player, with those lucious legs. She was wearing a sports bra which showed off her above average in size an shape (fill in your favorite fruit metaphor here).

I also got a feeling that she might be a stripper. There were a couple of tatoos on her back. Nothing horrible, but not your normal little butterfly-on-the-lower-back landing pad either. This definitely wasn’t a girl who you took home to your mother; she seemed like the kind of girl that would teach you a few things. She just reeked of animal magnetism. I also wondered if she could kick my ass on a consistent basis.

Well, guys stare. (Really!!??!!??) But I haven’t seen an entire gym of guys stare at a girl for her entire workout. Every guy knew what the other was looking at; it was unspoken but completely understood. All was well until she started utilizing the smith machine (and you thought I was just trying my “hand” at some freelance porn).

Many of you may use the smith machine in this way, but there are few of you that I would like to see repeat what she did. She used it to stretch. She put the bar at about waist level, threw a leg up on it, leaned over, and stretched. We all thought that was cool. We were all happy. Then, she starts cranking it up. She goes up hook by hook, stretching each leg each time, until the bar is at head level for her. So she’s got her foot up at head level, stretching her legs, one at a time.

This was too much. The smart guys in the gym stopped their sets (how can you workout with that going on and walls covered in mirrors?). There were, however, two guys who must have gotten caught midset. They were performing decline bench presses with a bar. One was spotting, one was lifting when she put her leg on the highest level. As could be expected, the spotter was paying absolutely no attention to the lifter. If you gave him a quiz at the time asking him where his training partner was, you’d get an incoherent string of syllables mixed with drool. Who could blame him?

Well, eventually his partner had reached the end of his set and was trying to bring the bar up one last time. After much struggling and begging for attention, his spotter came back to reality and assisted. The lifter was lucky that he was able to get the attention of his spotter; not all would be so lucky.

Beware the perils of the smith machine.

10

That’s fucking funny. Uh, she has obviously been granted Smith Machine immunity. Carry on.

11

Nice story, Jared. Indeed.

I do lot of thick grip chins on the one in my gym. Nice chunky bars, funny stares, I love it.