My Boss is Getting Fed Up With Me

Off Topic
1

Long story short, I don’t have a very good relationship with him. In fact, when we are in the same room no words are usually spoken.

I’m quiet in general, but I will converse on remarkable topics or initiate conversations with coworkers based on their interests. If someone is discussing sports, or network television, or what they had for breakfast I will generally avoid those conversations for the sake of my own sanity. Its been less so lately, as I’m taking tougher grad classes on top of work and I’m usually too caught up with work, school, and lifting that I really don’t care to make conversation just for the sake of having conversation.

I communicate well w/ my coworkers on projects we are working on and I don’t think he can fault me for my job performance which has been adequate if not more so.

I also don’t get involved with big work get togethers. I don’t get satisfaction out of it, and I’m a conscientious person so if people are discussing a topic I find less than interesting I have to exercise a fair amount of self control to not say sarcastic, mean, or outright rude things. Also, but I’ve been eating at my desk and work through lunch to make up an hour of work time I miss at class.

Today we had a chili cook off, which I declined to participate in because I wanted to make up an hour of work, and I overheard somebody ask if I wanted any chili to the other people in the room. I was not in there but close enough to hear it and my boss exclaimed “I don’t know I’m done asking” or something similar in a frustrated tone.

Either way I’m torn between obliging him for the sake of less of a headache on my end or continuing my current behaviors. I feel little or no obligation to kiss ass and discuss my feelings on milk vs orange juice in the morning, what I didn’t like about the last episode of whatever is on TV nowadays, or the new sweet tea at McDonalds, and don’t really feel like I should have to either. If I wanted chili I would have went in there and had some and I have a hard time figuring out why he is frustrated.

Part of me just wants to keep turning the screws, Oh did that piss you off? Good, because I’m going to keep doing it until your head explodes. But, I also don’t want to fuck up a good job in a bad economy that I’m not prepared to leave quite yet.

He does have a tendency to complain about small things, like the guy smoking in front of the office, or the guy taking his dog to shit in front of the office, and where the landscapers park their trucks. I have no problems with him as a boss, but noticing stuff like this has led me to generally not engaging him.

I wanted to get that off my chest as I got an exam to study for and don’t want to be mulling over this all weekend. I’m actually pissed that I have to worry about this at all.

Am I being the difficult person here or is he? Any suggestions? ?

2

I don’t know. At work they often do stupid bullshit, however, imo, unless your boss is a re-re, it’s probably a little you and a little him. If you walk around with a hardass face and speak in mono syllables or something a bit lighter than that, he may have reason.

Anyways about it you are who you are.
I’d just email him about it and tell him how you feel and say if he’d like you’d like to conference with him because you only have the best intentions. If nothing comes of this, and things seem to get worse, perhaps moving towards corrective action…then I’d contact some sort of corporate mediator or higher-up, however, THIS IS A LAST RESORT.

If he is your boss he probably is a reasonable guy and might just have a different personality than you.

3

My personal opinion is that by not participating in some work activities; being a “conscientious objector” or whatever, is that your boss may see you as an obstacle to team building and cohesiveness. I know, I hate corporate terms like “team building and cohesiveness” just as much as anyone else, but would it be that hard to make an effort to be more social and participate in the odd goofy office activity?

I don’t need to tell you that good jobs are extremely hard to come by these days, and any office that would allow a chili cook off doesn’t sound that bad.

4

…tell your boss what you’re like. Tell him you’re not the kind of guy he thinks you are; arrogant and stand-offish, and participate in work activities once in a while. There is a group dynamic you have to be part of, whether you like it or not, but i’ve found that explaining yourself in a clear and non-hostile way to your co-workers will lead to acceptance [in most cases]…

5

You sound very similar to me. I don’t enjoy participating in time wasting activities like chilli lunches and whatnot. It’s particularly aggravating when it’s a time suck and the work still needs to be done after you’re done socializing.

That being said, things like that can be necessary and fun if you approach it with the right attitude. Mentally assign the time in your head like a meeting or something similar. All my coworkers know that I pretty much like to be left alone to do my shit. However, I’m social enough that they can ride me about it. I know them well enough to pass a few minutes and to realise that I actually like most of them quite a bit and am interested in them.

Spend a couple of minutes listening to them talk about things that don’t really interest you. It’s kind of like a family. You spend a lot of time there and it’s a nicer feeling.

6

My boss hates me. From the moment I walked into the shop he has demonstrated a strong dislike, which eventually escalated to smashing my work to pieces with a hammer, then a forklift, and verbal outbursts for no apparent reason.

I took the problem to the owner/general manager (family owned, and I’m not family), and they put a lid on him. It was discussed that this has happened in the past, rarely, but not to such a degree. They also confirmed that they like my work in both quality and quantity, and I have nothing to worry about as far as job security goes.

I get along very well with everybody else. We eat lunch together and do all of the usual workplace social stuff. We have even all started lifting programs and I’ve had one guy at my house to test his max bench press and work on some form issues.

Sometimes people just don’t get along. You have to accept that and move on. Mine is one of those jobs with mediocre pay but good benefits. It allows for me to provide for my wife and my needs within reason. I love the work though, and really look forward to doing it every day. You don’t find that too often, and some people never do. If anything, the negative behaviors I’ve experienced just reinforce that I need to stay focused on the good aspects of work and continue to conduct myself as an adult, professional, and employee.

Good luck with your situation, and try to avoid any passive aggressive behaviors, as much fun as they may seem. That will just make you look bad, and it is a poor practice both personally and professionally.

7

[quote]theuofh wrote:
[/quote]

Like most relationships in life, including professional relationships, both parties have to compromise.

As was mentioned before, you should communicate with your boss so that he doesn’t assume you’re an antisocial prick - I’m taking your side on this one! Explain to him your situation (school, lifting, your health consciousness) without sounding arrogant or condescending. Talk to him tongue-in-cheek so you won’t convey a holier than thou attitude. That is the mature thing to do, imho.

It won’t hurt to join in the socials once every blue moon either: just to appease your coworkers and boss and to show your willingness to participate. You’re not obliged to, of course, but consider the possibility of tension/misconceptions about you in the break room spilling into the team environment. An hour a month of mindless socializing shouldn’t kill you.

Having this compromise (i.e. asking for understanding from your boss’ side, and showing just a little enthusiasm from your side) should allow you to pursue your own goals without creating an awkward atmosphere at work.

8

Keep in mind that in the workplace you are not obligated to like someone, however you are obligated to show respect for each other. Your boss seems to put a lot of weight into office activities and may feel you don’t find them important and that you are not recognizing the effort he puts into organizing them. I work in a large corporation where team activities are very common and our human resources and PR departments take a lot of time and resources to arrange and organize these events.

I try to stay “low key” at work because like you, I don’t enjoy small talk or office gossip which you have to put up with at these sort of functions, but I go to as many as I can to show support for my co-workers who attend and to show that I am part of the team.

In the future, if there is an event that you just cannot see yourself attending (like the chili thing) speak up in advance. Tell your boss that you have a project to finish and instead offer to come help clean-up for a half an hour later in the day. It would show you are willing to participate at least in some way. And try to attend at least one or two events just for the sake of being social and being a participant.

9

Management, where I work, is mostly made up of would-be police academy failures. I say would-be because all the managers ACT like cops but came HERE because they knew they’d be slightly less likely to be hit with a bullet.

They have no clue what they’re doing but they stand right in the middle of the action (surrounded by heavy duty moving equipment carrying big loads) and try to micromanage people who know their jobs inside out. So THEY suck. But I LOVE my co-workers. We’re a tightly knit group who work great together, play together, understand and support one another… when we get the chance, which is tough because Management flips out if they see us talking.

But I think the others here are right. YOU’RE in an environment that’s kind of familial but you are obstinately (it appears) refusing to have anything to do with Those People. It’s like you look down on all your co-workers and, because (it sounds like) your behavior is at odds with those around you, you stand out… Like a spoiled pouting child.

The bitter dude who can’t relax and have fun. More than that, you’re going to school where you’re probably studying something that has nothing to do with your current job so you’re giving off an “As soon as I can I’m outta this dump” vibe. That’s insulting. At least, that’s probably how you APPEAR to others at work.

I wonder why you seem to dislike everything about your workplace so much because it sounds pretty good to me. True, it’s probably not the last stop on the bus route for you but you don’t have to rub everyone’s nose in it. Cheer up. You could work where I work. Then you’d really have something to complain about.

10

I think as long as you do your job well, are polite, don’t put anyone down or make fun of what fellow colleagues enjoy doing then you will be fine. But if your looking to go places at your work, your probably not going the right way about it.

It is seems to bother you what your boss said, have a chat with him to clear the air and just explain your situation, leave out the lifting though.

11

We’re a satellite office for a big company based elsewhere. Whenever the big office does something, we try to replicate it, and it is usually less formal. There were no sign ups, no planning beforehand what people were going to bring, and the 2 guys that made chili just brought it in and set it up themselves.

My boss is actually a very intelligent and accomplished guy, has a PhD and whatnot.

I will occasionally attend and participate in work related activities, such as the weekly out to lunch things and our weekly technological presentations. However, recently with school I am using this hour to to work, unless I make it up beforehand. I also won’t go out to eat if there going to fast food or a place I don’t like, but I will go if they are trying someplace new or a place I like. Its not like I never participate out of spite, but I’m not shy about declining when I don’t care for something or just don’t feel like doing it.

The school part is so I am a better employee at this company and they are footing the bill, and I’ve never complained about or expressed interest in leaving the company.

This was my first job out of school and I’m not in career mode at the moment. I’m not in complete jerk off mode either, as I like the $$ and I need to get some experience. Its not a bad place either, I enjoy the work for the most part and my coworkers are alright. I do like some more than others, but I think thats normal. I’m not going to say they’re the most awesome people in the world, and I expect them to share the same sentiment towards me.

I try not to be a dick, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, particularly those I have to work with constantly, but I do appreciate and almost need a bit of confrontation in my life to stay on my toes. I’m not big on environments where it is all pushed under the surface and ignored, instead of accepted and integrated.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about this. Its gonna take some compromise as I’m a more negative face oriented person and prefer keeping my autonomy, ability to act, and freedom from impositions or obligations. I’ll try to be more social with all, but I think a lot of people really are offended when you do not express enthusiasm or interest in being in activities they are a part of. I’m in turn offended by having to do something I would rather not do that is not a direct job responsibility, in order to not hurt any ones feelings or show disrespect.

12

Keep this in mind: You’re a grad student, someone that has gone above and beyond. According to 2000 census data, that puts you in the top 8% of Americans. Hell, just having a bachelor’s puts you in the top 20%.

Frankly, with a higher level of intelligence comes more discipline, a generally different (more sophisticated) sense of humor, a higher degree of skepticism, and a general disregard of emotion rather than reason when it comes to making any significant decisions. The reason I mention all this is because your goals and ways about attaining them are different than theirs, and that is foreign to them, and thus off-putting.

Hell, if you’ve ever been to a motivational speaker, you’ll probably know what I’m talking about. While most people in the crowd are going nuts and loving what they’re getting, guys like the execs and creatives are completely unmoved and bored out of their minds. Stuff like that just doesn’t get to them. Similarly, you have no desire to go to these company gatherings because, well, they’re boring and you don’t gain anything useful from them. The conversations revolve around menial topics. You’re just flat-out not interested. It’s not an insult to them, you just have better things to do.

I’d suggest having a candid, private conversation with your boss. Put it all on the table. Just tell him that you detect some negativity surrounding your inactivity outside of work, but it’s because you have a lot going on in your life, and simply don’t have time and energy. Tell him you like working there and you like everyone there, it’s just that you only have so much energy and focus, and you really have to direct that towards work, class, and the iron.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

13

Theuofh, do you work at Dunder-Mifflin?

Right now, with the job market being as bad as it is, you could be facing much more serious problems than having to smile and pretend you’re enjoying some boring workplace social activity that holds no real interest for you.

A lot of the social stuff that happens at my workplace also falls way outside my interests. I don’t really care to join conversations about eating chocolate LOL. But you have to strike a balance. Maybe you’ll hear some talk about good movies in the break room, and you can join in on that.

I think someone might be the most knowledgeable and productive person at a company, but if the majority of your coworkers, as well as your boss, think you are standoffish - or worse, they believe you don’t respect them because of the way you seem to hold yourself aloof - your days there will be numbered.

You don’t want to find yourself actually missing those insipid coworkers when you’re sitting at home collecting just 1/3 of your former pay in an unemployment check.

14

Learn to steer the conversation towards something you find interesting. People start with small talk to get the convo going and to fill voids of silence. FFS learn a joke or something not like we don’t have threads of them on this website.

My staff jokes with me all the time at work and we go to the extremely fucked up deep end of the spectrum. Start at Sinbad style family jokes then slowly work your way up to edgy. Even if you only say a joke/comment/convo here or there people will notice and you’ll seem human.

15

[quote]theuofh wrote:
Its gonna take some compromise as I’m a more negative face oriented person and prefer keeping my autonomy, ability to act, and freedom from impositions or obligations. I’ll try to be more social with all, but I think a lot of people really are offended when you do not express enthusiasm or interest in being in activities they are a part of.

I’m in turn offended by having to do something I would rather not do that is not a direct job responsibility, in order to not hurt any ones feelings or show disrespect. [/quote]

That negative faced thing stood out to me. Do you mean that literally?

When I am concentrating and focused, I tend to furrow my brow, flare my nostrils, and grimace a little. The guys I work with misread that for 3 months when I started working with them.

They thought I was in a terminal state of being pissed off. They were taking a bunch of non verbal cues that weren’t intended to be directed towards them.

Do you think that this would also apply to you?

16

No, by negative and positive face refer to this, Politeness theory - Wikipedia , which I learned about in a linguistics undergrad class so I know the terms for it.

I most likely am frowning or mean faced when I’m concentrating. My office got moved by the break room a bit ago when a new girl started, so whenever people walk by I’m probably concentrating extra hard to not be distracted by their presence and looking not too happy.

I haven’t smiled a whole lot lately now that I think about. I read that book ‘How to Make Friends and Influence People’ about two years ago and it said smile at everybody. This might be part of my problem as I’ve probably come off as a bit of crab lately. I just haven’t been in the mood to smile much, which is related to less casual conversation.

This is part of my problem, which I will openly admit and can see in a clear light because its Saturday and even though I’ve been studying all day, I’m in a good mood. Come Monday, I will probably not be in this good of mood, and have no qualms about frowning at people.

So in this new light, I’m just going suck it up, fake it, and pretend to be happy at all times. It might even end up making me a happier person in the end. I’ll also probably end up getting laid more by getting in the habit of smiling at everyone, and I’ll need to remember this when I need to put a smile on my face when I don’t feel like smiling.

17

[quote]theuofh wrote:
No, by negative and positive face refer to this, Politeness theory - Wikipedia , which I learned about in a linguistics undergrad class so I know the terms for it.

I most likely am frowning or mean faced when I’m concentrating. My office got moved by the break room a bit ago when a new girl started, so whenever people walk by I’m probably concentrating extra hard to not be distracted by their presence and looking not too happy.

I haven’t smiled a whole lot lately now that I think about. I read that book ‘How to Make Friends and Influence People’ about two years ago and it said smile at everybody. This might be part of my problem as I’ve probably come off as a bit of crab lately. I just haven’t been in the mood to smile much, which is related to less casual conversation.

This is part of my problem, which I will openly admit and can see in a clear light because its Saturday and even though I’ve been studying all day, I’m in a good mood. Come Monday, I will probably not be in this good of mood, and have no qualms about frowning at people.

So in this new light, I’m just going suck it up, fake it, and pretend to be happy at all times. It might even end up making me a happier person in the end. I’ll also probably end up getting laid more by getting in the habit of smiling at everyone, and I’ll need to remember this when I need to put a smile on my face when I don’t feel like smiling. [/quote]

Dude don’t go over the top. I am naturally like you, don’t smile much. Then, at two of my jobs some 30 something year old kindergarteners thought I looked too stern or something, so I started trying to be all smiley gregarious. It was wierd. I was like a dog in a Christmas sweater, then I am just like, 'eh fuck it.

I’ll just be me.’ So now I pretty much don’t smile and when I see someone, I smirk and nod. I’ll smile if I’m genuinely pleased but don’t force a chracteristic on yourself. Belive me, more than likely it will back fire. The vindictive people will smell blood and see how the wierd robot has been cracked finally.

It seems to me honestly,l you are trying to force yourself to appear hella hard, and everyone is getting that vibe. You ARE doing this, just from the way you’ve written your first paragraph in a condescending manner towards your coworkers and their silly social shit, rubs off on the vibe you’re probably giving them and why they don’t like you.

You are obviously highly intelligent and capable. Your boss is leader, like it or not, so when you decide to do something differently than he or she has layed out for everyone, such as “I will work through our party,” it will make others feel uncomfortable.

They think you’re trying to be harder and outdo them, when basically the Boss has stated the time allotted for that period of the day is ‘Team Cohesion’ and socializing.

Just go to the lil Rudolph the faggot reindeer events, smirk, and talk about what you wanna talk about. Done deal. How much of a T-1000 uberlogical spetsnaz office worker will you be when your boss lays your ass off for not participating in his forced fun events? Get real man. You’re not fucking special.

18

[quote]Rohnyn wrote:

[quote]theuofh wrote:
No, by negative and positive face refer to this, Politeness theory - Wikipedia , which I learned about in a linguistics undergrad class so I know the terms for it.

I most likely am frowning or mean faced when I’m concentrating. My office got moved by the break room a bit ago when a new girl started, so whenever people walk by I’m probably concentrating extra hard to not be distracted by their presence and looking not too happy.

I haven’t smiled a whole lot lately now that I think about. I read that book ‘How to Make Friends and Influence People’ about two years ago and it said smile at everybody. This might be part of my problem as I’ve probably come off as a bit of crab lately. I just haven’t been in the mood to smile much, which is related to less casual conversation.

This is part of my problem, which I will openly admit and can see in a clear light because its Saturday and even though I’ve been studying all day, I’m in a good mood. Come Monday, I will probably not be in this good of mood, and have no qualms about frowning at people.

So in this new light, I’m just going suck it up, fake it, and pretend to be happy at all times. It might even end up making me a happier person in the end. I’ll also probably end up getting laid more by getting in the habit of smiling at everyone, and I’ll need to remember this when I need to put a smile on my face when I don’t feel like smiling. [/quote]

Dude don’t go over the top. I am naturally like you, don’t smile much. Then, at two of my jobs some 30 something year old kindergarteners thought I looked too stern or something, so I started trying to be all smiley gregarious. It was wierd. I was like a dog in a Christmas sweater, then I am just like, 'eh fuck it.

I’ll just be me.’ So now I pretty much don’t smile and when I see someone, I smirk and nod. I’ll smile if I’m genuinely pleased but don’t force a chracteristic on yourself. Belive me, more than likely it will back fire. The vindictive people will smell blood and see how the wierd robot has been cracked finally.

It seems to me honestly,l you are trying to force yourself to appear hella hard, and everyone is getting that vibe. You ARE doing this, just from the way you’ve written your first paragraph in a condescending manner towards your coworkers and their silly social shit, rubs off on the vibe you’re probably giving them and why they don’t like you.

You are obviously highly intelligent and capable. Your boss is leader, like it or not, so when you decide to do something differently than he or she has layed out for everyone, such as “I will work through our party,” it will make others feel uncomfortable.

They think you’re trying to be harder and outdo them, when basically the Boss has stated the time allotted for that period of the day is ‘Team Cohesion’ and socializing.

Just go to the lil Rudolph the faggot reindeer events, smirk, and talk about what you wanna talk about. Done deal. How much of a T-1000 uberlogical spetsnaz office worker will you be when your boss lays your ass off for not participating in his forced fun events? Get real man. You’re not fucking special.[/quote]

x2, sometimes you have to realize that people disregard individuality, I mean society itself is just a generalization of all individuals.

Glad someone pointed this shit out

19

I’m not going to walk around with a goofy grin my face all day, but smiling when starting an interaction and acting happy to be a part of it is rather a small price to pay, and although it may not be genuine, putting an appearance to get something you want, is not a bad skill to have.

I don’t try to act hard, although I’m probably a little ‘harder’ than everyone in the office, but I’m far from a tough guy.

I realize I’m another human being like everyone else, with quirks and negative personality [edit] traits, which I have accepted and I’m fine with. I have no problems with social activities, and chili cook off is a great thing. I never said anything negative about it, I just had other things going on, and I declined to participate. I’m not completely anti-social either, and I will converse with my coworkers even the ones I don’t like, and I will even have stupid conversations at times.

I’m not trying to outdo anyone, all my coworkers have Masters degrees minus me and the new girl, my boss has a PhD and my other coworker is working on his thesis now.

These events have never been described as team cohesion or socialization and if they are planned and structured as such, it should be done on company time, not my lunch break which I had plans for.

I appreciate your comments, and I do agree that my boss my have interpreted my declining these activities as disrespectful and condescending. Next, time I will be more clear when declining participation in events that although I would love to attend, I respectfully must decline for I have an exam next week and I am trying to make up time to study.

20

[quote]theuofh wrote:
I’m not going to walk around with a goofy grin my face all day, but smiling when starting an interaction and acting happy to be a part of it is rather a small price to pay, and although it may not be genuine, putting an appearance to get something you want, is not a bad skill to have.

I don’t try to act hard, although I’m probably a little ‘harder’ than everyone in the office, but I’m far from a tough guy.

I realize I’m another human being like everyone else, with quirks and negative personality, which I have accepted and I’m fine with. I have no problems with social activities, and chili cook off is a great thing. I never said anything negative about it, I just had other things going on, and I declined to participate. I’m not completely anti-social either, and I will converse with my coworkers even the ones I don’t like, and I will even have stupid conversations at times.

I’m not trying to outdo anyone, all my coworkers have Masters degrees minus me and the new girl, my boss has a PhD and my other coworker is working on his thesis now.

These events have never been described as team cohesion or socialization and if they are planned and structured as such, it should be done on company time, not my lunch break which I had plans for.

I appreciate your comments, and I do agree that my boss my have interpreted my declining these activities as disrespectful and condescending. Next, time I will be more clear when declining participation in events that although I would love to attend, I respectfully must decline for I have an exam next week and I am trying to make up time to study. [/quote]

You made it seem like a misconception from HIS point of view.

Now your saying it’s a misconception from your point of view???

Wtf dude.