IMO the format of a chat board makes it hard to capture full thought in context. I understand what you’re saying and see it as well. However, I think it’s important to preface that some people just don’t want a relationship. I love my life and wouldn’t change it but can totally appreciate the appeal of being a desirable, lifetime bachelor. And I would need sex, so of course it would be driven by physical attraction. If this had been the path I’d chosen, I would likely be discussing it instead sharing stories and experiences about my wife and daughter occasionally, and it would look preferential to being attached with reasoning I’m sure. I think that’s what we see on these boards.
Separately, my marriage works because we live a “traditional” lifestyle with traditional family values. This can be debated by which historical timeframe we look at, but high level I fill a masculine role and she fills a feminine role and they look exactly how they sound in practice. If some of the views and attitudes expressed here are true and even dominant in the dating world today, I would likely choose the bachelor path and do a lot of loving and leaving too if I were in the single camp.
The “you benefit me” piece makes sense, and I agree. It’s a shallow thing on both ends. I would suggest looks do matter though. One of the easiest ways to know who to hit on is watching the immediate change in body language, how a woman carries herself, the nervous hair flips and makeup touch ups when you walk in to a room or their periphery. Let them gather themselves and then say hello with a smile. Same as men seeing an attractive woman. But, does it turn in to a night or more? This is where you begin to find broader compatibility and rhythm - or not. It makes sense a woman would be interested in financial progress/strength et cetera. Even in hear me roar stages, women like to be cared for and taken care of. I don’t think this is shallow, but part of the vetting process. It is important to find a deeper connection, too. Will my wife stick with me if I lose myself and everything we have and end up homeless? Probably not. Now I’m a piece of shit who isn’t worth a good woman. But, somewhere between superficiality and true lifelong commitment I’m sure there is a general sweet spot.
We had some moments when our daughter was a newborn, finding lines. My wife planned for and took a year off specifically to care for our daughter through this stage. I didn’t. A business still needed to be run, bills paid, investment strategies intact et cetera. Of course after the 11th sleepless night in a row her optimism shifted to needing more, but we did have to find balance that didn’t favor her in that regard for me to handle the rest effectively. I know you’re discussing pure selfishness, but perspective is important and so is intent. I don’t think it was selfish of me to preserve enough energy to hold the line they were living inside of, for example. But she might feel differently about some conversations from that period.
Had she left me over it, I would also be disinterested in starting another serious relationship, FTR.
This is also interesting to me. I would suggest if a woman leaves short of being outright abused or cheated on, she is walking away from what was built willingly and should get nothing.
