I don’t go to bed angry or fighting about anything anymore. That last can of whoop-ass is still pretty fresh, so I’m always sure to end the night peacefully and with love.
Doesn’t mean either of us are happy about a point of contention or that it was resolved, just that we’re putting it and ourselves to rest for the night.
Fact is, my wife never resolves or moves on from anything. At any given moment she can be reminded and any given issue or wrong is just as fresh as when it happened- but that is a whole other topic.
This for me, too. Again, I’m quick to stop fights before they settle in, but if it’s something I care deeply about (worth fighting for in my view) and he goes all stone-wall-y (which is his standard fight/flight/freeze response) I’m going to eventually shut down, too, because I can’t give over and neither can he in that moment. We’re still polite to one another, but it’s a cool politeness. It kills us both, but we haven’t yet figured out how never to have it. Most of you know how thoroughly I can dig in when I believe I’m right. Unfortunately, he’s just as bad, though in general we’re both pretty chill and agreeable.
It kind of makes me wonder if the personalities of the couples are what determines whether they’re like “you don’t go to bed angry?? how??” or whether they’ve never done that because “why would you when you can just work it out?”
We’ve had @anon50325502 dig in this week in another thread, so we know he gets thorough when he believes he’s in the right. I’m guessing he married someone who also does. Which would explain why sometimes they’re just tired and want to go to bed.
So I just would like to report that I came home from my ten hour workday yesterday, messed with the wood stove because it’s the deep winter, ate my bland AF healthy dinner so I can maintain my trim figure, poured a big glass of wine, pumped up the jams that would irritate my husband if he were here, and did housework. Very, very womanly.
And here is the important part…I did this while he was partying in Florida on day two of his golf and partying mini-vacation. And I’m planning to shop for and cook dinner tonight for him! Despite being a feminist.
Re: the dishwasher’s use of energy, which I think was mentioned upthread (may have been the other thread, though). It’s not actually less efficient than washing them by hand. My husband (an engineer who can plumb and wire houses) disputed my belief that “you should only bother with the dishwasher if you’ve had company and the dishes are just too much” when we met, and I of course had to look it up. He was right. I hand wash my dishes when it’s just me because it’s easier, but if we’re both home we use it.
I think this IS a women thing. I would guess that whatever has reminded her of whatever it is signals a pattern to her that has not been resolved. Resolve the patterned behavior that’s upsetting her and voila! she’ll stop getting upset about it.
It goes deep, but yeah, it’s patterns of behavior. There is a lot of fear and trauma associated with being “wrong” that makes it virtually impossible (at this point) to actually resolve some disagreements.
Some things will never be resolved. I will ALWAYS trip occasionally over the double-whammy of my mother’s willingness to leave me in an abusive household and my ex’s chronic unhappiness, which was very often externalized onto me. It helps that I understand my mother’s behavior as being about HER insecurities and it helps that my ex is still unhappy and has not been able to maintain a relationship for more than a couple of months (in that it was never my fault, not because I don’t want him to find happiness; I do). But once I’m triggered enough it doesn’t matter what I understand, I’m in a blind panic and just want to escape.
So I work on nipping fights in the bud and he works on not going to the silent treatment, because that’s the trigger.
Regarding disputes, I always admit wrongness. I do not give a rat’s ass about being “right”. I don’t get into many of them aside from when my now-occasional (thank moodiness pops up or during holiday season (which for my very festive in-laws lasts from Halloween to New Year’s Day.
Come to think of it, the most arguments occur at this time of year. Arriving home to Amazon package after Amazon package on my door steps, professional family photos, a visit to the mall for Santa, conversations about suitable gifts for people, decorating, and various pre- and post-Christmas events (breakfasts, dinners, symphony at a Catholic High school). I am not Rude to people and I am thankful for all this, but eventually I become disinterested and appear aloof or actually fall asleep at some get-togethers. This appears rude to some female family members. But there’s only so much some men can take. Seven to eight hours of talking, listening, eating, and drinking?! There really is only so much “how is work?”, “whatcha doin’ with yourself these days?”, “kids keeping you busy?”, Trump this, Trump that, Trump is crazy/a moron, trivia games, singalongs, and gift exchanging I can take before there is sensory overload and I just tune out. Usually after events I’ll be told I didn’t act appropriately. That is, I didn’t act chipper for seven to eight hours.
I’m not for yelling. I’ve told my wife numerous times that if she is inclined to yell we can go to the backyard and she can yell all she wants. I won’t. I don’t want a basket-case household in which kids are nervous or scared.
Nail on the head. I dont like gatherings. Whether it’s my family, my fiance’s, or for work. I cant stand small talk, I generally dont like being approached, I avoid politics and religion like the plague in person. Repeated stories, jerking yourself off over past accomplishments, and forever the awkward overly religious aunt, with her drug addled nephew that you have to walk on egg shells around, doesnt matter the family, most of the time they have one. And my job? I sell fucking grass. Yes that’s grossly understated. No I dont want to talk about it. I talk about it for 50 hours a week. I’m good.
A one hour visit is ideal for me. Get the formalities out of the way, eat some food, find the person I like and catch up, and get the hell out.
I wish I could teach it to some people. I don’t have a clue why a partner would be obsessed with being right. Is there any return on it? There absolutely isn’t besides appearing or feeling on top in some power struggle.
God, yes. I have a job I love and that fascinates me, but “really good!” seems to cover it. I feel like I’m going to die of having to say things like “So, how is Joey liking his swimming lessons?” in combination with all the rich foods and chips and candy, which I can’t resist eating because I’m bored and a pig.
One problem I’ve identified for myself with the gatherings is that I spend my work week in deep conversation, which I adore. Gatherings are the opposite. It’s like I’m losing tolerance and just want to sit and read a book until it’s time to leave.
And like you, Brick, I like and genuinely appreciate these people. They’re lovely and I’m lucky to have them. But between my family and his we have like 10 distinct Christmases.
Power is a big dynamic in a lot of relationships, and for a lot of people in general. I love receiving a genuine apology, so I assume others do, too, and am for that reason happy to give them if I can recognize that I owe one.
I’ve been wondering this for a while and had no proper place to ask:
Is physical intimacy really that important in a relationship?
I was thinking about what my “role” in a relationship would be and realized that I’d be more than willing to cook, clean, manage finances and contribute financially, but the thought of being expected to sleep with someone (literally, not even sexually) is extremely unappealing
I think it amounts to finding your match in wanting to eschew physical intimacy, though I predict a bumpy search process, since most young men are anxious for that piece. Still, asexuality occurs in both genders, I suppose, and there must be guys who want a platonic partnership, which is what you’re describing.
On the other hand, I wonder if you may feel differently once you meet and get to know someone? No matter how handsome or cool or personable a guy is, I have no desire to touch unless/until I begin attaching romantically (start fancying myself in love).
Strangers are just icky to me in terms of touching, regardless of objective appeal.
If you feel this way, for the sake of a good guy, don’t get involved with him in the first place. I’m not being sarcastic or condescending. Physically and healthy men desire sex and intimacy. If one goes so far as marrying one with that feeling, the marriage will be doomed!
