Men afraid of commitment?

Off Topic
721

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

We’ve spent a reasonable amount of time together, but he definitely likes email for communication, which he can do while he’s working late evenings and early mornings. We’ve texted and talked on the phone, but only briefly, to do with meeting (“on my way, let yourself in”).

The reality is that I’m just not that into him, though I thought there for a bit that maybe I could be. There are things about him that bother me - little character things - and in addition to which there’s the ongoing problem of missing the ex-boyfriend when I get too near the new guy physically.

Just not a good start. There’s nothing to talk about.

[/quote]

it is either there or it’s not. Move on. next.

722

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

We’ve spent a reasonable amount of time together, but he definitely likes email for communication, which he can do while he’s working late evenings and early mornings. We’ve texted and talked on the phone, but only briefly, to do with meeting (“on my way, let yourself in”).

The reality is that I’m just not that into him, though I thought there for a bit that maybe I could be. There are things about him that bother me - little character things - and in addition to which there’s the ongoing problem of missing the ex-boyfriend when I get too near the new guy physically.

Just not a good start. There’s nothing to talk about.

[/quote]

it is either there or it’s not. Move on. next. [/quote]

Yep. So what color are your striped and florals?

723

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

We’ve spent a reasonable amount of time together, but he definitely likes email for communication, which he can do while he’s working late evenings and early mornings. We’ve texted and talked on the phone, but only briefly, to do with meeting (“on my way, let yourself in”).

The reality is that I’m just not that into him, though I thought there for a bit that maybe I could be. There are things about him that bother me - little character things - and in addition to which there’s the ongoing problem of missing the ex-boyfriend when I get too near the new guy physically.

Just not a good start. There’s nothing to talk about.

[/quote]

it is either there or it’s not. Move on. next. [/quote]

Yep. So what color are your striped and florals? [/quote]

Same color as your shams, Em.

724

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

Have you had a chance to hang out much?[/quote]
Not really. Only once. She hasn’t been available over weekends thus far meaning I’ll have to find a compromise with weekdays mainly.

725

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

We’ve spent a reasonable amount of time together, but he definitely likes email for communication, which he can do while he’s working late evenings and early mornings. We’ve texted and talked on the phone, but only briefly, to do with meeting (“on my way, let yourself in”).

The reality is that I’m just not that into him, though I thought there for a bit that maybe I could be. There are things about him that bother me - little character things - and in addition to which there’s the ongoing problem of missing the ex-boyfriend when I get too near the new guy physically.

Just not a good start. There’s nothing to talk about.

[/quote]
Sounds like both parties just feel weird.

726

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

The sexy time stuff is all good, but don’t you want someone who is in some ways your equal or superior, capable of challenging or even besting you in some way?

I can’t stand fembots. A woman should have some intellectual characteristics that you can look at and say “Damn, she’s good”.

727

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

The sexy time stuff is all good, but don’t you want someone who is in some ways your equal or superior, capable of challenging or even besting you in some way?

I can’t stand fembots. A woman should have some intellectual characteristics that you can look at and say “Damn, she’s good”.
[/quote]

I was just kidding around. I’m not going to lie, I would love for my girl to be all domestic and shit but I’m looking for more than just that. I’m looking for a chick that is intelligent, highly educated, witty, beautiful, has a smokin’ hot body, grounded and humble, takes care of herself, has a professional job earning at least 50K a year, great sense of humor, is not overly materialistic, is freak in the bedroom yet classy outside of, reads and learns from Cosmo, has a sexy voice, preferably 5’4"-5’5", has long blonde or brunette hair, squeezes her toothpaste from the end never the middle, honest, values her friends and family, no tattoos, likes to have fun, doesn’t tan b/c melanoma isn’t sexy, 34B or 34C because more than a handful is just a waste, thoughtful, isn’t high maintenance, is good at cooking and baking, romantic, adventurous, doesn’t use a ton of profanity, gives a great massage, doesn’t have kids, sweet and caring, doesn’t own a ferret because that is just fucking weird, feminine yet isn’t afraid of getting dirty, drinks beer, with masculine interests. That is all I could come up with off the top of my head, I’m sure there is a lot more. Am I really asking for too much?

728

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

I spoke to my 80-something-year-old friend last night, the one who gave me a “sex talk” when I started dating after divorce, which included advice to carry not just one condom on hand, but rather two or three. She’s bewildered by my behavior because were she in my shoes she would NEVER seek a relationship. She wanted to know if I realize that I can just go get laid if I want to, as much as I want to - I don’t HAVE to be stuck with a man. So I said that I want someone I can, you know, love, and she made a scoffing noise.

[/quote]

She is right.

About the condoms too.

729

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

The sexy time stuff is all good, but don’t you want someone who is in some ways your equal or superior, capable of challenging or even besting you in some way?

I can’t stand fembots. A woman should have some intellectual characteristics that you can look at and say “Damn, she’s good”.
[/quote]

I was just kidding around. I’m not going to lie, I would love for my girl to be all domestic and shit but I’m looking for more than just that. I’m looking for a chick that is intelligent, highly educated, witty, beautiful, has a smokin’ hot body, grounded and humble, takes care of herself, has a professional job earning at least 50K a year, great sense of humor, is not overly materialistic, is freak in the bedroom yet classy outside of, reads and learns from Cosmo, has a sexy voice, preferably 5’4"-5’5", has long blonde or brunette hair, squeezes her toothpaste from the end never the middle, honest, values her friends and family, no tattoos, likes to have fun, doesn’t tan b/c melanoma isn’t sexy, 34B or 34C because more than a handful is just a waste, thoughtful, isn’t high maintenance, is good at cooking and baking, romantic, adventurous, doesn’t use a ton of profanity, gives a great massage, doesn’t have kids, sweet and caring, doesn’t own a ferret because that is just fucking weird, feminine yet isn’t afraid of getting dirty, drinks beer, with masculine interests. That is all I could come up with off the top of my head, I’m sure there is a lot more. Am I really asking for too much?[/quote]

You surprise me all of the time; I thought for sure you were a ferret guy.

730

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

The sexy time stuff is all good, but don’t you want someone who is in some ways your equal or superior, capable of challenging or even besting you in some way?

I can’t stand fembots. A woman should have some intellectual characteristics that you can look at and say “Damn, she’s good”.
[/quote]

I was just kidding around. I’m not going to lie, I would love for my girl to be all domestic and shit but I’m looking for more than just that. I’m looking for a chick that is intelligent, highly educated, witty, beautiful, has a smokin’ hot body, grounded and humble, takes care of herself, has a professional job earning at least 50K a year, great sense of humor, is not overly materialistic, is freak in the bedroom yet classy outside of, reads and learns from Cosmo, has a sexy voice, preferably 5’4"-5’5", has long blonde or brunette hair, squeezes her toothpaste from the end never the middle, honest, values her friends and family, no tattoos, likes to have fun, doesn’t tan b/c melanoma isn’t sexy, 34B or 34C because more than a handful is just a waste, thoughtful, isn’t high maintenance, is good at cooking and baking, romantic, adventurous, doesn’t use a ton of profanity, gives a great massage, doesn’t have kids, sweet and caring, doesn’t own a ferret because that is just fucking weird, feminine yet isn’t afraid of getting dirty, drinks beer, with masculine interests. That is all I could come up with off the top of my head, I’m sure there is a lot more. Am I really asking for too much?[/quote]

You surprise me all of the time; I thought for sure you were a ferret guy. [/quote]

Do you have a ferret?

731

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:

You surprise me all of the time; I thought for sure you were a ferret guy. [/quote]

One ferret > two or more cats.

It is all very complicated.

732

You don’t match my shams.

Have you ever read it? My ex-boyfriend and I took a copy on a trip home to see his parents. I read it aloud in my Cosmo-est voice, and we couldn’t stop laughing.

sigh.

733

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

I spoke to my 80-something-year-old friend last night, the one who gave me a “sex talk” when I started dating after divorce, which included advice to carry not just one condom on hand, but rather two or three. She’s bewildered by my behavior because were she in my shoes she would NEVER seek a relationship. She wanted to know if I realize that I can just go get laid if I want to, as much as I want to - I don’t HAVE to be stuck with a man. So I said that I want someone I can, you know, love, and she made a scoffing noise.

[/quote]

She is right.

About the condoms too. [/quote]

She’s wrong! Not about being able to get easy sex or condoms, but that casual sex is better than committed.

And I say that as someone whose relationships have been far from perfect, but still by and large pretty enjoyable for a variety of reasons. (Chief among them that I’m some sort of blissfully oblivious moron, but be that as it may. lol)

734

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Have you ever read it? My ex-boyfriend and I took a copy on a trip home to see his parents. I read it aloud in my Cosmo-est voice, and we couldn’t stop laughing.

sigh.[/quote]

I haven’t read it but I’ve looked at the pictures.

735

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

You don’t match my shams.

Have you ever read it? My ex-boyfriend and I took a copy on a trip home to see his parents. I read it aloud in my Cosmo-est voice, and we couldn’t stop laughing.

sigh.[/quote]

How can you be certain that I don’t match your shams?

736

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

I spoke to my 80-something-year-old friend last night, the one who gave me a “sex talk” when I started dating after divorce, which included advice to carry not just one condom on hand, but rather two or three. She’s bewildered by my behavior because were she in my shoes she would NEVER seek a relationship. She wanted to know if I realize that I can just go get laid if I want to, as much as I want to - I don’t HAVE to be stuck with a man. So I said that I want someone I can, you know, love, and she made a scoffing noise. [/quote]

When I read your friends comments, I didn’t get the impression that she was telling you to sleep with everyone under the sun. Instead, I got the feeling that this was a woman who felt that the toll a relationship takes on a woman - especially a decades long relationship - is too much. And to quote Gloria Steinham, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

I may just be reading too much into her comments, though, because I recently had a similar conversation with my 71 year old mom. She said that as much as she loved my dad (married 29 years before he died 11 years ago) if she had to do it over, she wouldn’t have gotten married. She felt the trade-offs of raising a family during the 70’s and 80’s was at too great a cost to her personal growth and development.

Maybe that’s what your friend meant, that if sex were important to you, you could always sleep around, but that you didn’t need the baggage that goes along with a relationship. Because as much as we talk on TN about how much relationships suck for men, there’s a whole slew of women who feel that relationships aren’t working for them either.

737

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:
Am I really asking for too much?[/quote]

You didn’t say anything about not having neck tattoos, so maybe not.

Funny thing- There was a woman in front of me at a convenience store a few weeks ago. She had her hair pulled back into a tight pony tail and a noticeable nazi SS tattoo on her neck beneath her ear.

I couldn’t help but think “Now there’s a girl that will stab a motherfucker for her man.:)”.

739

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:
Am I really asking for too much?[/quote]

You didn’t say anything about not having neck tattoos, so maybe not.

Funny thing- There was a woman in front of me at a convenience store a few weeks ago. She had her hair pulled back into a tight pony tail and a noticeable nazi SS tattoo on her neck beneath her ear.

I couldn’t help but think “Now there’s a girl that will stab a motherfucker for her man.:)”.
[/quote]

You need to stop shopping in McKees Rocks. [/quote]

It was Alabama of all places, but I’ll bet she would have been perfectly at home down the 'Rocks too.

I know ink is a touchy subject, but if anything sets off a huge red flag to me it’s the big neck tattoo.