Men afraid of commitment?

Off Topic
701

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]theBeth wrote:

[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:

You’ve clearly never tried it, or you wouldn’t talk such rot. IMO, if you haven’t tried it, you have no idea if you’re gay or not.
What you are describing are not inherent consequences of homosexuality- they are cultural roles created for homosexuals by our society.
The whole homosexual/heterosexual distinction is usually just so much bullshit in any case. People who are exclusively turned on by the other sex, and have never had any kind of sexual contact with the same sex, are actually relatively rare, or at least they were when the surveys in my book were carried out.[/quote]

You can have sex with the same sex without being homosexual. Furthermore, why do we need such definitions? It’s some kind of innate need for society to define gender/sexual roles.

Well Fuck society, man.

Ok. I’m ok. Carry on.[/quote]

No you can’t. Gay dudes that wanted to blow me used to say that all the time. My response- No. Thats gay.

We could use colors to describe sex too, but some of them would still be gay. You start doin the dirty all purply with sparkles and guess what? It’s gay.

I’ve discussed homo/hetero with a friend of mine who used to have a girlfriend in high school and did the whole closet thing. He is as turned off by the thought of having sex with a woman as I am about the thought of sex with a man. There isn’t anything about it that he likes, nor any circumstance that he can imagine in which he would.
[/quote]

I worked with a woman like that. She said she’d had a boyfriend in high school, and liked him very much, but when it came time to “do it” she was completely repulsed. No history of sexual abuse, no reason for the revulsion, just wasn’t her cup of tea. I know men like that.

I’ve also known both men and women who could go either way, sexually, and did depending on the person and emotional connection.

I feel that I’m thoroughly heterosexual.

So, in summary, I believe in a spectrum that runs most gay at one end to most straight at the other, with people all along the scale. If 1 is most gay and 10 is most straight, I would put myself at an 8.

No, SkyzykS, you cannot crash on my couch. You would find it too chaotic. You need your rest.

702

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
This turned into one of those “Enters, then slowly backs out, hoping to be unnoticed” type threads there for a little bit. [/quote]

'Fraidy-cat.

704

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

No, SkyzykS, you cannot crash on my couch. You would find it too chaotic. You need your rest.
[/quote]

Still taking care of others, huh?

<Just kidding!>[/quote]

I have others, I just don’t talk about them on public fora.

705

[quote]csulli wrote:
Holy shit Chushin jumped all the way to level 100!!! Your power level… I don’t believe it![/quote]

That’s complete bull shit. There’s no way he’s that much better than the rest of us. I’m lodging a complaint.

Edit: Oh man. I just looked at my account. One more purchase will make me a level 5 which WOULD be totally cool except now it goes all the way up to level 100.

706

308×524 40.3 KB

[quote]nephorm wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]nephorm wrote:
I’m not going to read through this monster of a thread.

  1. Men who have trouble meeting women or little success with women will be more likely to want commitment as early as possible.
  2. Men who have a lot of choice will be less likely to want commitment with any randomly selected woman, but are more likely to want commitment with a woman who has qualities that are both rare and valuable from the perspective of the man.

A person with no skills, no job, and no government assistance is more likely to take whatever job will have him. A person with skills and steady income/savings is unlikely to switch jobs merely because one is available to him. He will be eager to select a job that offers benefits that are both important to him and not commonly available.

  1. Insecure men will be more likely to want commitment early, especially if they think they can lock a woman in through guilt or emotional manipulation.
    3a) Men who are suddenly made or revealed to be insecure after losing what they took for granted will often have a sudden change of heart.
  2. Some men are simply ready for commitment as a personal choice. They may want a family, believe that getting to know one person is more valuable than many partners, or have decided to bow to social/religious/family pressure.
  3. Some men will just tell you what they think you want to hear.[/quote]

While I agree with you generally, I think there’s some age dependency here and also differences in the way people behave in a low population density area vs. high.

[/quote]

Low population = ‘trouble meeting women,’ or less choice. Small, markets imply scarcity and encourage early buy-in (1), so long as they adhere to monogamous standards. The effects of age are more variable. Men with very high value have less motivation to settle down as they age, so long as their value remains high. There is intrinsic motivation to settle down as one ages, however, depending on personality type, level of fitness, desires for a family, etc ((4) and (1)). [/quote]

I think that by and large younger men assume that older men - over 40 - would rather continue to sow oats than to settle down, but that hasn’t been my observation. But then I’m sure selection bias influences my view of the world. Most of my closest friends are in long, successful relationships, where either both have gained weight or both have stayed fit, and kids are at the center of things. Childless couples I know well tend to have greater investment in friends’ kids and extended family.

My marriage was bad enough to leave, but good enough that there are a great many things I miss about it. I know he misses it terribly, though at the time of the breakup he was relieved. I don’t think meeting women is a problem for him, I think meeting someone he likes and trusts is the issue. Photo of ex attached. 6’ tall, earns well, pictured standing in front of my Audi. Pic is pre-breakup, so a little out of date, but not hugely. The garage didn’t become a gym until I’d been on TNation for a bit.

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

707

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.

708

But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me) and I’m going to filter/block the ex-boyfriend because I can’t handle him popping up in my inbox. I’m going to wind up doing stupid stuff and we’ll both keep getting hurt over and over again until the end of time.

709

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man.

710

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?

711

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances.

712

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

I don’t see why you couldn’t! An excellent goal, and one you should pursue with the greatest of haste.

Meanwhile, I’m going to look for a man who matches all the coordinated flowered and striped pillows and shams on my bed.

713

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I’m having a hard time distinguishing this paragraph from my (2). But let me tell you - men who have less overall choice are also men who will not be as picky about who they read, breed, or cook with. Some men are irrationally picky (I know a few). We have a word for those men: single.

714

[quote]nephorm wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I’m having a hard time distinguishing this paragraph from my (2). But let me tell you - men who have less overall choice are also men who will not be as picky about who they read, breed, or cook with. Some men are irrationally picky (I know a few). We have a word for those men: single.[/quote]

You’re right; you did say that. It just seemed lost in all the doom of sub-par or insecure people making do while high status men have better things to do than seek an intimate relationship.

I spoke to my 80-something-year-old friend last night, the one who gave me a “sex talk” when I started dating after divorce, which included advice to carry not just one condom on hand, but rather two or three. She’s bewildered by my behavior because were she in my shoes she would NEVER seek a relationship. She wanted to know if I realize that I can just go get laid if I want to, as much as I want to - I don’t HAVE to be stuck with a man. So I said that I want someone I can, you know, love, and she made a scoffing noise.

It brought me right down. Speaking of cynics.

715

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.

716

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

717

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.

718

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

We’ve spent a reasonable amount of time together, but he definitely likes email for communication, which he can do while he’s working late evenings and early mornings. We’ve texted and talked on the phone, but only briefly, to do with meeting (“on my way, let yourself in”).

The reality is that I’m just not that into him, though I thought there for a bit that maybe I could be. There are things about him that bother me - little character things - and in addition to which there’s the ongoing problem of missing the ex-boyfriend when I get too near the new guy physically.

Just not a good start. There’s nothing to talk about.

719

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]The Other Titan wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

The small sampling of men I’ve gone out with seem to say the same thing. Getting laid isn’t a problem, or at least I don’t think it would be if they looked for women who do that freely. It’s finding someone with whom you’d want to read in front of a fire, someone you want to have around your kids, someone with whom you’d like to wake, fool around, and then cook breakfast.

[/quote]

I think there is something to that. Friday night I went out with my buddies with the intention of looking for some tail. I could have easily gotten laid but in the end I decided against it. I’ve been really conflicted lately. I’ve always enjoyed playing the field and have done everything in my power to avoid true commitment. I guess I just don’t really know what the advantages are to being with just woman. I’ve been actually thinking about posting a thread on this very topic.[/quote]

You should. I only know the advantages of being with one man. [/quote]

Maybe I could get one to cook and clean for me?[/quote]

Preferably one that likes to wear black and silver so she will match my kitchen appliances. [/quote]

I don’t see why you couldn’t! An excellent goal, and one you should pursue with the greatest of haste.

Meanwhile, I’m going to look for a man who matches all the coordinated flowered and striped pillows and shams on my bed.[/quote]

I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I look amazing in floral and stripes.

720

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But meanwhile, in my own crap dating life, I sent a “dear john” to the new guy this morning, who was probably having doubts, too, since though we email daily, the tone has changed (who knows, though, maybe that was all me)
[/quote]
You guys need to actually talk lol.[/quote]

He was out of town, then had company, out of town again, rinse and repeat. What I noticed, though, was that I was glad because I didn’t actually want to see him and had started to dread his return. So I sent the email, which seemed like less effort than chit-chatting back about whatever he’d been talking about in yesterday’s email. I think it’s best. lol

[/quote]
That sounds really shitty. The girl I’m talking to now seems to have similar constraints with her time. You should definitely still try to talk to him in person. Has he even tried to do that? If anything, when a guy is communicated through text or the like with a woman/girl that he still doesn’t know well, he may lose congruence because he’s more in his head and can’t accurately get a feel for the girl’s personality. It really sounds like you’re primarily concerned with guarding your emotions though.[/quote]

Have you had a chance to hang out much?