Men afraid of commitment?

Off Topic
481

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]pat wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also (was thinking about this as I woke this morning) I think some of the glacial pace of things has more to do with timing and my extrication from the last relationship than in being old fashioned. When we picked things back up I was broken up with the boyfriend, but there were still all sorts of lingering uncertainties, so I wasn’t willing to offer more than “friends,” which i made clear was up to him to either tolerate or not. He knew my breakup was recent.

So we were hanging out, hiking, doing friends stuff, and then at some point the breakup with the ex became solid and the new guy and I were still just hanging out and exchanging emails throughout the work day and so on, and while he was making fairly regular flirty or overtly sexual comments in email, nothing was happening in person. Like, NOTHING. And then it finally occurred to me that he was waiting for me to make the move, since I’d set the parameters. So, okay. But it took me a couple of hanging out times to figure out about kissing someone else, because I’d never had to do that part before, and people don’t necessarily stay still so you can work your way around to it. Awkwardness ensued. So then I finally managed to get the thing done and he left town.

And now here we are. It really is not that I need to date someone for months or years before going beyond kissing. lol[/quote]

Yeah, just take your time and do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t go licking carpet just because some dude was mean. Take your time, enjoy life and if you don’t want to be hooked up, than don’t be. Go have fun. Plenty of time for relationships. Relationships are a pain in the ass, so don’t have one unless that is what you want. Otherwise go do something that makes you happy. It’s seems clear that your not really into this new one. Otherwise you’d be on the proverbial cloud 9, and you don’t have to settle. If you settle, just to be in a relationship, you will never really be happy. Be happy first, if some dude comes along great if not who cares?

I took 2+ years off from women when I was younger. It was the funnest, most carefree, enjoyable time of my life. I had a great time and I never had anyone nagging me… If you ain’t into the poor bastard, cut him loose. Fuck it, enjoy life. Some dude will come and mow you down soon enough.

All us good men are taken anyway. ;)[/quote]

What is licking carpet? I’m not sure I know what that means. Unless it’s my lesbianism connected to the mean guy? I guess that must be it, now that I think about it. Okay, good advice. Thank you.

I think I do like the new guy a lot. Cloud Nine is easy for me, I think I may spend too much time there. So I’m trying to be more mindful. And I worry about getting hurt, because I’m having a hard time predicting/reading things with this one and that makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to my usual sort of guy and this is a different sort, but that’s what I’m looking for, so we’ll see over time. No rush.

[/quote]

I wouldn’t worry about getting hurt. It’s going to happen, a virtual certainty. If you worry about it, you just be unhappy now and when it happens.
But it didn’t happen today, right? So just enjoy today.

If you don’t know what licking carpet means, you’d make a lousy lesbian they like that sort of thing. That’s an ancient metaphor.

Anyway, I am not interested in your sexual exploits. I just see another young person struggling with relationships. So I thought I’d chime in.

It breaks down like this, you need to be happy. Only you can do that. So go do what makes you happy. Then everything else, including relationships become better.

If you are not happy, you drag others down. You drain others. If you are happy, you lift others up.

You are going to get hurt by others, you are going to be betrayed, your going to be shit on. But you never know by who or what the circumstances will be. You are not going to preempt it by worrying about it.
Neil Peart (drummer for Rush) once said something that stuck with me. He called it the Church of Worry. The idea is that if you worry about something enough, you can prevent it from happening. And if it happens anyway, you didn’t worry enough.
I am guilty of that. But no amount of worry could prepare me for the shit I went through in my life. So I was miserable worrying, and then the real shit happened and I was destroyed.

Suffering is part of life, but so are the good times. These are the good times, enjoy them.

482

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
What is licking carpet? I’m not sure I know what that means. Unless it’s my lesbianism connected to the mean guy?
[/quote]

Licking carpet refers to the act of performing cunnilingus, especially on a woman with an unshaven mons pubis. Something Pat would not do just because he broke up with a mean guy. [/quote]

Pat has firm convictions. I admire that.[/quote]

Stupid mean guys.

483

[quote]pat wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]pat wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also (was thinking about this as I woke this morning) I think some of the glacial pace of things has more to do with timing and my extrication from the last relationship than in being old fashioned. When we picked things back up I was broken up with the boyfriend, but there were still all sorts of lingering uncertainties, so I wasn’t willing to offer more than “friends,” which i made clear was up to him to either tolerate or not. He knew my breakup was recent.

So we were hanging out, hiking, doing friends stuff, and then at some point the breakup with the ex became solid and the new guy and I were still just hanging out and exchanging emails throughout the work day and so on, and while he was making fairly regular flirty or overtly sexual comments in email, nothing was happening in person. Like, NOTHING. And then it finally occurred to me that he was waiting for me to make the move, since I’d set the parameters. So, okay. But it took me a couple of hanging out times to figure out about kissing someone else, because I’d never had to do that part before, and people don’t necessarily stay still so you can work your way around to it. Awkwardness ensued. So then I finally managed to get the thing done and he left town.

And now here we are. It really is not that I need to date someone for months or years before going beyond kissing. lol[/quote]

Yeah, just take your time and do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t go licking carpet just because some dude was mean. Take your time, enjoy life and if you don’t want to be hooked up, than don’t be. Go have fun. Plenty of time for relationships. Relationships are a pain in the ass, so don’t have one unless that is what you want. Otherwise go do something that makes you happy. It’s seems clear that your not really into this new one. Otherwise you’d be on the proverbial cloud 9, and you don’t have to settle. If you settle, just to be in a relationship, you will never really be happy. Be happy first, if some dude comes along great if not who cares?

I took 2+ years off from women when I was younger. It was the funnest, most carefree, enjoyable time of my life. I had a great time and I never had anyone nagging me… If you ain’t into the poor bastard, cut him loose. Fuck it, enjoy life. Some dude will come and mow you down soon enough.

All us good men are taken anyway. ;)[/quote]

What is licking carpet? I’m not sure I know what that means. Unless it’s my lesbianism connected to the mean guy? I guess that must be it, now that I think about it. Okay, good advice. Thank you.

I think I do like the new guy a lot. Cloud Nine is easy for me, I think I may spend too much time there. So I’m trying to be more mindful. And I worry about getting hurt, because I’m having a hard time predicting/reading things with this one and that makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to my usual sort of guy and this is a different sort, but that’s what I’m looking for, so we’ll see over time. No rush.

[/quote]

I wouldn’t worry about getting hurt. It’s going to happen, a virtual certainty. If you worry about it, you just be unhappy now and when it happens.
But it didn’t happen today, right? So just enjoy today.

If you don’t know what licking carpet means, you’d make a lousy lesbian they like that sort of thing. That’s an ancient metaphor.

Anyway, I am not interested in your sexual exploits. I just see another young person struggling with relationships. So I thought I’d chime in.

It breaks down like this, you need to be happy. Only you can do that. So go do what makes you happy. Then everything else, including relationships become better.

If you are not happy, you drag others down. You drain others. If you are happy, you lift others up.

You are going to get hurt by others, you are going to be betrayed, your going to be shit on. But you never know by who or what the circumstances will be. You are not going to preempt it by worrying about it.
Neil Peart (drummer for Rush) once said something that stuck with me. He called it the Church of Worry. The idea is that if you worry about something enough, you can prevent it from happening. And if it happens anyway, you didn’t worry enough.
I am guilty of that. But no amount of worry could prepare me for the shit I went through in my life. So I was miserable worrying, and then the real shit happened and I was destroyed.

Suffering is part of life, but so are the good times. These are the good times, enjoy them.[/quote]

I’m not young, though! Just an idiot.

But thank you for taking the time. I agree with you. And I don’t mind suffering, I just don’t want to rush headlong into it.

484

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.

485

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
When we picked things back up I was broken up with the boyfriend, but there were still all sorts of lingering uncertainties, so I wasn’t willing to offer more than “friends,” which i made clear was up to him to either tolerate or not. He knew my breakup was recent…

…Like, NOTHING. And then it finally occurred to me that he was waiting for me to make the move, since I’d set the parameters. So, okay. But it took me a couple of hanging out times to figure out about kissing someone else, because I’d never had to do that part before, and people don’t necessarily stay still so you can work your way around to it. Awkwardness ensued. So then I finally managed to get the thing done and he left town.
[/quote]

How much of your epiphany is owed to being on this site?

Because somehow that is not only fair and decent, but also voiced in terms that a man can understand.

That is not something that comes naturally, so you must have picked it up somewhere. [/quote]

What?? This all goes against everything you say to do! You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

I am not saying that he did it right, I am saying you did, because you told him what to expect from the getgo, realized that he would not make a move and that it was your turn.

486

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.[/quote]

Well, well, well…

I wonder now whether a mature women would even allow a man to become a beta orbiter.

487

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.[/quote]

Interesting, and it sounds maybe about right. He definitely hasn’t been passive and I don’t think anyone who’s met him would call him weak. He’s not. So he’s probably playing me. lol

488

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.[/quote]

Well, well, well…

I wonder now whether a mature women would even allow a man to become a beta orbiter. [/quote]

I don’t think an intelligent, confident man would allow it for himself. But it doesn’t require being aloof or an asshole. There’s been no question in my mind, probably going back to my early twenties, that any of the men I’ve seriously considered have other options. They’ve all been cool, accomplished guys. (Well, maybe not cool in the standard sense. But to me. lol)

489

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m not young, though! Just an idiot.

But thank you for taking the time. I agree with you. And I don’t mind suffering, I just don’t want to rush headlong into it.[/quote]

You are too young, and you don’t sound like an idiot to me. Don’t get down on yourself. People are always trying to drag you down, let them do it… Show me an expert on relationships and I will show you someone in denial. They are complicated, even when they are simple. Humans are a pain in the ass.

Yes, I believe you do mind suffering. I sure as hell mind it. If you truly don’t mind suffering, you haven’t really suffered. When you are, all you want to do is get away from it as far as you can. I am pretty sure you have at some point, and you will again to some degree or another. Just don’t bring anything on yourself.

And don’t rush. You have all the time in the world. Be true to yourself.

490

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.[/quote]

Interesting, and it sounds maybe about right. He definitely hasn’t been passive and I don’t think anyone who’s met him would call him weak. He’s not. So he’s probably playing me. lol[/quote]

I think some of these tactics (for lack of a better word) come naturally for some guys, meaning they give them no thought, and for others they are a planned approach. Either way, i wouldn’t call it playing a chick. i could probably go into the nuances of what I think the differences are between being a player and just being a guy trying to get a girl he wants but it would take too long and I’ve gotta go eat.

491

i was wondering it it was possible to re-classify food.

like, we all know that a tomato is classified as a vegetable, but it is in reality a fruit.

and peanuts, arent nuts, but we still call them nuts.

i think chocolate should be classified as a super food - you know, since the incans would use it in ceremonies in order to converse with the gods -

i think it is what was the actual manna from heaven, since you know, that would really be the only thing that would satiate an angry mob.

oh well.

what were we discussing again?

492

[quote]Edgy wrote:
i was wondering it it was possible to re-classify food.

like, we all know that a tomato is classified as a vegetable, but it is in reality a fruit.

and peanuts, arent nuts, but we still call them nuts.

i think chocolate should be classified as a super food - you know, since the incans would use it in ceremonies in order to converse with the gods -

i think it is what was the actual manna from heaven, since you know, that would really be the only thing that would satiate an angry mob.

oh well.

what were we discussing again?[/quote]
Whiskey

494

[quote]pat wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m not young, though! Just an idiot.

But thank you for taking the time. I agree with you. And I don’t mind suffering, I just don’t want to rush headlong into it.[/quote]

You are too young, and you don’t sound like an idiot to me. Don’t get down on yourself. People are always trying to drag you down, let them do it… Show me an expert on relationships and I will show you someone in denial. They are complicated, even when they are simple. Humans are a pain in the ass.

Yes, I believe you do mind suffering. I sure as hell mind it. If you truly don’t mind suffering, you haven’t really suffered. When you are, all you want to do is get away from it as far as you can. I am pretty sure you have at some point, and you will again to some degree or another. Just don’t bring anything on yourself.

And don’t rush. You have all the time in the world. Be true to yourself. [/quote]

I’m trying.

495

[quote]Edgy wrote:
i was wondering it it was possible to re-classify food.

like, we all know that a tomato is classified as a vegetable, but it is in reality a fruit.

and peanuts, arent nuts, but we still call them nuts.

i think chocolate should be classified as a super food - you know, since the incans would use it in ceremonies in order to converse with the gods -

i think it is what was the actual manna from heaven, since you know, that would really be the only thing that would satiate an angry mob.

oh well.

what were we discussing again?[/quote]

Your insistence on calling yourself a Viking, while choosing obviously Teutonic characters with horned helmets for your avatars.

496

Erik the Red’s wife wanted him to build her a church when they settled in Greenland, and in fact is said to have withheld sex until the thing was built. Which of course, it soon was.

Have you built your wife a church, Edgy?

498

Minus the leg, I noticed Em has a very nice neck and jaw line.

499

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
You’ve already labeled him a beta orbiter, would tear him apart for allowing me to friend-zone him if he were here, and t-man alpha wisdom holds that men should always be sexually aggressive.

Although he sort of was, I suppose, in a patient way. We had the above conversation (which may be what you’re referring to) because he asked, not because I went there without prompting. Or I suppose I had, but only vaguely. [/quote]

If I can interject here, your new guy may have been circumstantially friend-zoned but I doubt he was emotionally friend zoned. There’s a huge difference.

Some bone heads may say a guy should always be sexually aggressive, I would say a guy should always be sexually smart (shrewd, cunning - whatever you want to call it). Since this new guy is now with you, or close to being so, it’s proof he has been smart. He was able to wait in the wing without being perceived as a beta orbiter but ready to spring into action when the opportunity opened up. When that opportunity presented he was smart enough not to be too aggressive because he knew in your mental state the walls would go up.

Getting the woman you want is a delicate dance that needs to be done just right. So far he’s been able to keep the rhythm of the song you’re playing. There’s nothing about that that any guy can rationally knock.[/quote]

Interesting, and it sounds maybe about right. He definitely hasn’t been passive and I don’t think anyone who’s met him would call him weak. He’s not. So he’s probably playing me. lol[/quote]

I think some of these tactics (for lack of a better word) come naturally for some guys, meaning they give them no thought, and for others they are a planned approach. Either way, i wouldn’t call it playing a chick. i could probably go into the nuances of what I think the differences are between being a player and just being a guy trying to get a girl he wants but it would take too long and I’ve gotta go eat.[/quote]

It’s only “playing a chick” when Orion or I write about it.

500

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Erik the Red’s wife wanted him to build her a church when they settled in Greenland, and in fact is said to have withheld sex until the thing was built. Which of course, it soon was.

Have you built your wife a church, Edgy?[/quote]

Is your fake leg in the shop for repairs?[/quote]

I’m bulking, so I sent it in to get more muscle added.