Em, I’m NOT trying to be an asshole when I write this, I swear. I would not take the time or make the effort if I did not genuinely care for you, so know that when you read this.
It’s a lack of mature boundary function coupled with an overblown sense of empathy compounded by a touch of blind, self indulgent humility. You have holes in your boundary. Period.
Boundary function:
Your career is YOURS. Navigating the waters toward better pay and better positions means that you have to play your cards close to your vest. Especially if you’ve allowed yourself to become “friends” with your boss. Such relationships are inappropriate. It’s perfectly fine to be “friendly”, “helpful”, “motivated”, “positive”, etc… with your boss. But FRIENDSHIP implies two individuals on EQUAL footing. The fact that she is your superior (therefore controlling critical aspects of your quality of life, time and livelihood) means that the “friendship” dynamic is Irrevocably skewed. Your “gut” knows this, which is why you are feeling such trepidation about talking to her about a possible change. But your “rational mind”, and your emotional landscape (protected by your porous boundary) is feeling guilt and shame. This will affect your relationship. You are acting as if you have the same standards for loyalty and fidelity with your job as you would with a marriage (or committed relationship). THIS IS SIMPLY NOT THE CASE.
Here’s what you owe your employer: Two weeks notice and a clean transition. THAT’S IT. You don’t owe them a heads up to start looking for your replacement before you get a position elsewhere. There are PLENTY of job applicants who would LOVE to apply for your position. You are replaceable, I promise.
Too much empathy:
You are walking on a slippery slope, my friend. In a relationship, the only consequence is a few bruised feelings and some emotional turmoil - something you are eminently qualified to deal with and process effectively. Your slippery boundaries with your JOB can affect your income, your insurance, your retirement, your ability to find work and the overall quality of your entire CAREER. That’s not something to risk by allowing emotional decisions to influence your career strategy.
The higher you get in “Life”, the higher the stakes. You are interviewing for a position that is better than where you are currently employed and SO ARE OTHER PEOPLE. Someone is going to “lose” the job if you get it. IF you get the job, you will have to leave your current one. FEELINGS WILL BE BRUISED. But bruises heal with time. Know that. If your boss/friend is really a friend, she will be happy for you that you’ve found something that will be more in alignment with your desires and professional development. If she is hurt or angry about you leaving, or if she views it as a betrayal, then SHE WAS NEVER YOUR FRIEND, she was just using an inappropriate employee retention strategy (consciously or unconsciously) so there’s no loss. Check your empathy at the door or, as we say in construction, “leave your feelings in the truck”.
A TOUCH of blind, self indulgent humility:
I hesitated a bit before putting this one in there because it sounds worse than it actually is. It’s the “nice guy/gal” syndrome. It’s the “politically correct” taken to illogical lengths. It’s where YOU get a secondary payoff by “suffering” as a result of a “noble” decision. You may sabotoge you career by tipping your hand too soon with your boss/friend, “but at least I had the integrity to be upfront and honest”. Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT. Your job is not your husband. You don’t owe them a “heads up” that may turn around and bite you in the ass. YOUR career moves are YOURS. Make them with logic, maturity, honesty and respect. Not with guilt, shame, awkwardness and manipulation.
Your strategy spelled out: Take whatever personal days you need to prepare for your interviews - you have them, the days are YOURS to do with as you see fit. Do NOT tell your boss, or ANYONE you work with, or anyone in the same social circle as anyone you work with, that you are interviewing for another position. Go to as many interviews as it takes to show your potential employer how fucking awesome you are and how lucky they would be to have someone of your caliber on their team. When you are given the offer letter, let them know you need to give your current employer two weeks and a clean transition. They will expect this and understand. Type up your resignation letter and THEN tell your friend/boss, letter in hand, that you are leaving for greener pastures and that you are grateful for all the wonderful times you spent working here. Express appropriate interest in continuing your friendship. Place the letter on her desk and leave so she can process it. Show up to work the next day and be prepared to cooperate 110% with whatever procedure they need to find, hire and train your replacement. Make detailed transition notes on each of your cases. Give your clients reasonable closure if you feel it’s appropriate.
That will be $275.00 LOL
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