Marriage: Still Worth It?

Off Topic
41

[quote]vroom wrote:
Yeah, I have to echo the point about people getting married too early.

When people are fresh out of school, just starting their jobs, and they get married, they have no idea yet what the real world is like and how they fit into it.

How the hell can you get married and then be happy when the entire world proceeds to turn upside-down? It’s hard enough without the added baggage that goes into marriage.

So, maybe part of the trick is to find a quality person, not someone who only just happens to be sexy…

Anyway, beware of my advice, it looks like I’ll die unmarried at this rate because I’m a picky bastard! ;)[/quote]

There are two sides to this coin. My wife and I got married a year out of college when neither of us had established our careers. Our early months together, we had almost no money. We couldn’t afford to go out to dinner even once a month. We would go for drives together to pass the time (gas was cheap then - although I never had enough $ to fill my gas tank). One time, we scraped up our change to buy a 1/2 gallon of ice cream - the cheap stuff. We grew closer during that period than we ever could have if we both had established careers, separate groups of friends, money, etc. We’ve been through a lot together and I can’t imagine life without my wife at this point (although I do daydream sometimes when I look through the Ass Worship thread).

I think the established separate careers and finances actually make it easier for a marriage to fail.

That said, being older and having been around the block a few times can have its advantages as well.

The bottom line for me is that it comes down to the two people involved more than the paths they took to come together. Coming from stable families also plays a huge role. For example, I come from a rather large family. None of my aunts and uncles are divorced and only one of my many cousins (all of us are in long-term marriages 10+ yrs) has gotten divorced. When you see so many people in successful marriages, I think you have a better appreciation for the ups and downs and what it takes to make it work.

Good luck to all of us, which ever paths we choose.

DB

42

[quote]throwloud wrote:
The fact that any man nowadays would even consider getting a marriage without a pre-nup is unbelievable to me. I would never marry a woman who wouldn’t sign one (unless she was significantly wealthier than me to begin with and still refused).
[/quote]

A pre-nup only works if you were rich when you got married – if you gained the assets during the marriage a pre-nup won’t do diddly squat.

43

If it is still all about You and your self-gratification, then marriage isn’t worth it. If it’s not, then consider it.

Marriage is often a bad fit for our vainiac culture of “I want, I want, and I expect to get”. It takes work, investment, and sacrifice - and if either person isn’t up for those, then avoid it.

There are many benefits, but they take work.

44

[quote]BigRagoo wrote:
…
I stress getting to know yourself and WHO YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY just what you expect out of a marriage before taking the plunge. This way you experience hardships without the burden of the nuptial and see where you stand when you make it through.
…[/quote]

Stellar point. You really need to look at the moral fiber of a person you want to marry as one of her key characteristics – and finding someone who is emotionally mature enough to know herself is also a key.

45

Marry a brilliant woman who goes to church and has ethics. Talk to her like YOU’D like to be spoken to.

Twenty years this June, 3 kids (one adopted from China, which was my idea) and just plain happy as can be.

46

[quote]caladin wrote:
Im with a good woman now but marriage isnt an option![/quote]

Please don’t say this. A few months from now, some guy with the handle “Caldin” is going to get some weird, garbled posts on old threads bitterly complaining about his lack of commitment.

47

[quote]caladin wrote:
Im with a good woman now but marriage isnt an option![/quote]

Eventually that good woman will probably move on if you don’t marry her, and even if she doesn’t you will be causing her all kinds of grief. Depending on your states laws, your gf will have no say in your health care if you should become incapacitated, no rights to your retirement or social security benefits if you die. Infact your first wife, even though divorced might actually legally get your death benefits. A friend of mine whose parents were divorced 40 years ago’s mother got her father’s social security after he died, even though he had lived with another woman for most of those 40 years!

I think some states have a “common law” marriage statute that makes you “legally” married if you move in together, even if you don’t get technically married. I think in those states it would not matter if you got married, you would still have to go through a legal divorce if you decided to split up at some point…

You might want to consult a lawyer to understand the consequences of not getting married.

48

IMHO if the plan is to raise a family, marriage is a good thing. A prenup is also a good thing which when written correctly can protect both parties involved should they divorce.

If raising a family isn’t in the cards, then I personally don’t see the point. You either are or aren’t committed to the relationship. That “piece of paper” isn’t going to keep someone who wants to leave the relationship from leaving.

Oh and the wife getting the best of the deal…trust me doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, especially now days, the wife is more successful financially then the husband.

And women looking for money in a relationship. I’m sure there are many of those out there. I personally look for ambition, direction and of course someone concerned for their health and well being. The lazy guy in the scenario who inherited the money, would drive me insane!

49

[quote]dollarbill44 wrote:
Coming from stable families also plays a huge role. For example, I come from a rather large family. None of my aunts and uncles are divorced and only one of my many cousins (all of us are in long-term marriages 10+ yrs) has gotten divorced. When you see so many people in successful marriages, I think you have a better appreciation for the ups and downs and what it takes to make it work.

Good luck to all of us, which ever paths we choose.

DB[/quote]

My wife’s grandparents on her dad’s side were married for 66 years. On her mom’s side 58. Her parents celebrate their 50th in June. They are/were also all farmers, but my wife is a science prof at a college. It does help that she makes a shitload of money.

50

[quote]Headhunter wrote:
Marry a brilliant woman who goes to church and has ethics. Talk to her like YOU’D like to be spoken to.
[/quote]

take out the church part and I’d say you’re on to something there.

51

[quote]dollarbill44 wrote:
vroom wrote:
Yeah, I have to echo the point about people getting married too early.

When people are fresh out of school, just starting their jobs, and they get married, they have no idea yet what the real world is like and how they fit into it.

How the hell can you get married and then be happy when the entire world proceeds to turn upside-down? It’s hard enough without the added baggage that goes into marriage.

So, maybe part of the trick is to find a quality person, not someone who only just happens to be sexy…

Anyway, beware of my advice, it looks like I’ll die unmarried at this rate because I’m a picky bastard! :wink:

There are two sides to this coin. My wife and I got married a year out of college when neither of us had established our careers. Our early months together, we had almost no money. We couldn’t afford to go out to dinner even once a month. We would go for drives together to pass the time (gas was cheap then - although I never had enough $ to fill my gas tank). One time, we scraped up our change to buy a 1/2 gallon of ice cream - the cheap stuff. We grew closer during that period than we ever could have if we both had established careers, separate groups of friends, money, etc. We’ve been through a lot together and I can’t imagine life without my wife at this point (although I do daydream sometimes when I look through the Ass Worship thread).

I think the established separate careers and finances actually make it easier for a marriage to fail.

That said, being older and having been around the block a few times can have its advantages as well.

The bottom line for me is that it comes down to the two people involved more than the paths they took to come together. Coming from stable families also plays a huge role. For example, I come from a rather large family. None of my aunts and uncles are divorced and only one of my many cousins (all of us are in long-term marriages 10+ yrs) has gotten divorced. When you see so many people in successful marriages, I think you have a better appreciation for the ups and downs and what it takes to make it work.

Good luck to all of us, which ever paths we choose.

DB[/quote]

Excellent point DollarBill. I think background does have a lot to do with it. Both my parents and my spouse’s parents married for 50+ years. Spouse’s family is very big “Catholic” family. Out of all her aunts, uncles, cousins too numerous to count – only 1 divorce. In this day and age that seems weird but is very true. I think DB is right about just seeing how it works around you. He’s also right about the fact that my wife met me in college and we got married right out of college. I didn’t have shit and neither did she. We didn’t have money for anything and then she worked while I went to further my education. There really is something to struggle bringing people closer together. Shared sacrifice – whatever. Sometimes I think it is harder for two established, independent, people to pull off the marriage thing.

52

[quote]vroom wrote:
So, maybe part of the trick is to find a quality person, not someone who only just happens to be sexy…

Anyway, beware of my advice, it looks like I’ll die unmarried at this rate because I’m a picky bastard! ;)[/quote]

About 15 to 20 years ago all my married friends used to call me a picky bastard, now I’m still single but so are they. Only difference is I still have all my stuff.

There are three ways you can spend your life, you can be with someone you want to be with, you can be with someone you don’t want to be with, or you can be alone. Of course everyone wants to be with someone they want to be with, but when that isn’t an option it seems that many people choose being with someone they don’t really want because they are afraid of being alone. I choose being alone.

53

[quote]ec_fritz wrote:
vroom wrote:
So, maybe part of the trick is to find a quality person, not someone who only just happens to be sexy…

Anyway, beware of my advice, it looks like I’ll die unmarried at this rate because I’m a picky bastard! :wink:

About 15 to 20 years ago all my married friends used to call me a picky bastard, now I’m still single but so are they. Only difference is I still have all my stuff.

There are three ways you can spend your life, you can be with someone you want to be with, you can be with someone you don’t want to be with, or you can be alone. Of course everyone wants to be with someone they want to be with, but when that isn’t an option it seems that many people choose being with someone they don’t really want because they are afraid of being alone. I choose being alone.

[/quote]

If you’re truly happy with this life, then that’s terrific, sincerely. But, how many people at say, 65, 70, 75 years of age, who have always been alone, are truly happy? I personally enjoy having someone to share in life’s triumphs and help in life’s tragedies. Without a spouse, I don’t see that happening.
Something to think about.

DB

54

[quote]dollarbill44 wrote:
ec_fritz wrote:
vroom wrote:
So, maybe part of the trick is to find a quality person, not someone who only just happens to be sexy…

Anyway, beware of my advice, it looks like I’ll die unmarried at this rate because I’m a picky bastard! :wink:

About 15 to 20 years ago all my married friends used to call me a picky bastard, now I’m still single but so are they. Only difference is I still have all my stuff.

There are three ways you can spend your life, you can be with someone you want to be with, you can be with someone you don’t want to be with, or you can be alone. Of course everyone wants to be with someone they want to be with, but when that isn’t an option it seems that many people choose being with someone they don’t really want because they are afraid of being alone. I choose being alone.

If you’re truly happy with this life, then that’s terrific, sincerely. But, how many people at say, 65, 70, 75 years of age, who have always been alone, are truly happy? I personally enjoy having someone to share in life’s triumphs and help in life’s tragedies. Without a spouse, I don’t see that happening.
Something to think about.

DB[/quote]

The thing about choosing to be alone, is that you’re always free to change that if you meet the right person. Not as true if you’re committed to a crappy relationship.

Being picky is good, sometimes. Problem is, we tend to get pickier and pickier and more and more set in our ways as we age.

A friend of mine is so picky, that not only does he want his girl to be smart, funny, and into the same stuff, but she also has to be tall, dark-haired, dress a certain way, have a certain build, a certain kind of facial structure, etc.

Like, talk about having messed up priorities. Okay I get that you’re attracted to a certain type, but come on. My type is a guy who’s in shape, smart, funny, communicative, emotionally stable… I don’t much care if he’s blond or dark, tall or short, etc., as long as I’m somewhat physically and more importantly psychologically attracted.

55

I don’t want to come of arrogant here, but all the people saying “We’ve been married for XX years! Yeah, for life baby!” We’ll, that’s nice and all, but it doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans. Technically yes, if you make it past the “7 year itch” you are less likely to get divorced, but it still happens to a lot of these people too.

It only takes one person to decide that they want out of a marriage, and it can be for a number of reasons. Many of them can be shallow ones and not at all the fault of the other partner. I think people would be suprised to know just how many of their “loving, devoted partners” would leave them if someone ridiculously sexy/gorgeous/cute or weathly came along.

The divorce rate is above 50%. I can tell you right now that not all of those people are making poor obvious choices in their mate at the time of marriage. Some times people just change, develop a different life attitude, maybe even a mental disorder or addiction. A lot of times people (more so women IMO) are just naturally good at hiding their true emotions/intentions about a person and putting up a great front.

I think a lot of the “Dr. Phil” types on here would get a decent dose of cynicism (or perhaps reality) if their lovey dovey, together-forever left them tomorrow. It can happen to anyone.

56

[quote]Tithonus81 wrote:
I think a lot of the “Dr. Phil” types on here would get a decent dose of cynicism (or perhaps reality) if their lovey dovey, together-forever left them tomorrow. It can happen to anyone.[/quote]

Absolutely. People can change their minds like they change socks. But usually there are signs that shit is about to happen. You have to be keen enough to pick up on it, which means communication is paramount. If you can’t communicate with your spouse, you have a great chance of winding up single.

57

I think a lot of it is people are rushing into marriage to much

58

[quote]BigRagoo wrote:
Tithonus81 wrote:
I think a lot of the “Dr. Phil” types on here would get a decent dose of cynicism (or perhaps reality) if their lovey dovey, together-forever left them tomorrow. It can happen to anyone.

Absolutely. People can change their minds like they change socks. But usually there are signs that shit is about to happen. You have to be keen enough to pick up on it, which means communication is paramount. If you can’t communicate with your spouse, you have a great chance of winding up single. [/quote]

If you don’t see it coming your cluelessness is probably the cause.

59

Ill wait as long as it takes to get married. I know a lot of my friends couldn’t wait an got hooked up with girls as fast as possible, and are already engaged and marrying with in the next year or two(and their only 23, 24ish).

A prenup is actually a good thing to sign. Honestly, if you have funds that you have built up before you tie the knot, it would be a good way to protect those from being taken away if somehow a divorce did happen. And don’t forget, if she won’t sign a prenup, she ain’t the one to marry(shes a golddigger). A girl who agrees to a prenup actually cares about you more than the almighty dollar.

Its also a good idea that both husband and wife each work so that it creates more chance for stability and less chance for affairs and problems down the road.

60

[quote]Tithonus81 wrote:
I don’t want to come of arrogant here, but all the people saying “We’ve been married for XX years! Yeah, for life baby!” We’ll, that’s nice and all, but it doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans. Technically yes, if you make it past the “7 year itch” you are less likely to get divorced, but it still happens to a lot of these people too.

It only takes one person to decide that they want out of a marriage, and it can be for a number of reasons. Many of them can be shallow ones and not at all the fault of the other partner. I think people would be suprised to know just how many of their “loving, devoted partners” would leave them if someone ridiculously sexy/gorgeous/cute or weathly came along.

The divorce rate is above 50%. I can tell you right now that not all of those people are making poor obvious choices in their mate at the time of marriage. Some times people just change, develop a different life attitude, maybe even a mental disorder or addiction. A lot of times people (more so women IMO) are just naturally good at hiding their true emotions/intentions about a person and putting up a great front.

I think a lot of the “Dr. Phil” types on here would get a decent dose of cynicism (or perhaps reality) if their lovey dovey, together-forever left them tomorrow. It can happen to anyone.[/quote]

Sorry Dude but my XX years of marriage does amount to a lot more than a hill of beans. I have two beautiful children who have a wonderful mother. My spouse is my best friend, partner, confidant, sex goddess, etc. etc. Biggest booster, best reality checker (i.e. she tells me when I’m full of shit or too full of myself etc) I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Your right she could be gone tomorrow. But she won’t be. Yeah I am optimistic, yeah life is great. I’m sorry everbody else doens’t get there. But read what BigRagoo, PushHarder and DollarBill 44 wrote. They know something because they’ve been there. Instead of being bitter about the past learn something from the past.