Life's Too Much

Off Topic
1

Ok, let me start out by saying I know my problems are minimal at most compared to what some people go through everyday, but I just need to rant and kinda need some advice.

In a short past few weeks, a few people that were close to me passed away, a close friend has really lost sight of the right direction in his life, and a few other friends are having some problems that need to be addressed, as well.

My problem: Its too much for me. I guess alot of people feel comfortable confiding in me their secrets and problems, for some reason. Either way, I’m hearing it from alot of people and it’s getting too much for me to handle. My dilema is though, I know some of them dont have much of a selection to choose from when it comes to being able to trust someone with their feelings. This puts me in a position where I feel I can’t turn them down to listen, offer advice, console, etc. I know everyone has their problems, but that includes me, too. Its not such an easy time of the year for my family to begin with, and I feel the ‘shit’ part of life just keeps piling higher and higer.

I’ve noticed within the past few weeks I’ve realized the quality of my life (overall) has begun to decrease between the stress, responsibility, and just having to ‘answer’ to so many people.

How does one deal with this kind of stuff? I’ve never turned anyone away if they’ve got stuff on their mind they want to talk about, hear an opinion on, or need advice to. Personally, I dont want to start now, either. How would, or how could one do this?

I’ve never minded sacraficing a little bit of me for someone else in need, nor do I feel I ‘mind’ now, either, but its jut that its too much in too short of a time period.

Any advice on how one ‘deals’ with this sort of thing would be greatly appreciated.

2

I dunno how you should deal with it, man. All I can say is that, at some point, you should think about you and stop listening. They should understand you can’t be there for ALL their problems.

3

Change your appearance. If you have the look of “emotional dumpster” about you then women will rush to unload their pains. Do something radical like shaving your head. You will see a different person in the mirror everyday and so will everyone around you. This will snap them out of their trance state and get them consciously thinking whether they should unload their BS onto you.

Another thing you can do is go into hibernation, temporarily. Get plenty of sleep and stay indoors. Disappear for a week or two. Don’t answer calls. Take Nyquil if you have to. When you emerge, hit the ground running with a brand new routine that eschews the things that are holding you down now.

4

Without details it will be tough to give you a good answer, know what I mean?

By the sound of it, you must be going through some extremely personal shit. I’d hesitate to post it up on a web forum.

5

My advice to you would be two fold:

  1. after accepting that stress, trials and tribulations are just as much a part of life as our triumphs, establish the right coping mechanisms. For everyone, they’re different, but for me, they are as follows:
    Preparedness is key. Being knowledgeable can take a lot of the stress out of any situation. Physical exercise. Sleep. Eat good food. Talk to others, i.e. have a support group of your own; whether that be your girlfriend, buddies, mom, or even god, never worry alone. Belly breathing. Keep it in perspective. This too shall pass.

  2. You can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself. Know your limits, push them as much as you can for the sake of your friends, but know when to walk away.

hope that helps and good luck.

Jrr.

6

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Ok, let me start out by saying I know my problems are minimal at most compared to what some people go through everyday, but I just need to rant and kinda need some advice.

In a short past few weeks, a few people that were close to me passed away, a close friend has really lost sight of the right direction in his life, and a few other friends are having some problems that need to be addressed, as well.

My problem: Its too much for me. I guess alot of people feel comfortable confiding in me their secrets and problems, for some reason. Either way, I’m hearing it from alot of people and it’s getting too much for me to handle. My dilema is though, I know some of them dont have much of a selection to choose from when it comes to being able to trust someone with their feelings. This puts me in a position where I feel I can’t turn them down to listen, offer advice, console, etc. I know everyone has their problems, but that includes me, too. Its not such an easy time of the year for my family to begin with, and I feel the ‘shit’ part of life just keeps piling higher and higer.

I’ve noticed within the past few weeks I’ve realized the quality of my life (overall) has begun to decrease between the stress, responsibility, and just having to ‘answer’ to so many people.

How does one deal with this kind of stuff? I’ve never turned anyone away if they’ve got stuff on their mind they want to talk about, hear an opinion on, or need advice to. Personally, I dont want to start now, either. How would, or how could one do this?

I’ve never minded sacraficing a little bit of me for someone else in need, nor do I feel I ‘mind’ now, either, but its jut that its too much in too short of a time period.

Any advice on how one ‘deals’ with this sort of thing would be greatly appreciated.[/quote]

I know exactly how you feel about being a dumping ground for other peoples’ problems.

I simply offer them the obvious solution to their problem… 9/10 times there is a simple but arduous way to overcome any obstacle. Tell them the truth and bluntly. If they still come to you, maybe they really want to fix things. Help them achieve honest solutions to their problems. If they just want to complain, tell them “there is a way to fix this. I will help you figure it out; you have to do it.”

In my experienced, the people who listened to reason all profited from it. The people who didn’t, stopped bothering me.

Not really knowing the specific situation, this is all I’ve got.

7

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
In a short past few weeks, a few people that were close to me passed away[/quote]

Take the time you need to grieve. Find someone to go to. Get a shoulder to cry on. Put your dependents off for a while until you get a better grip on your own bereavement. No the pain won’t go away in that short time, but you will begin to understand the size of what you’re carrying, and you won’t freak so much about coming apart a bit.

I’m reminded how in the pre-flight instructions they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping anyone who can’t do it for themselves.

8

squat and milk

With me, it works greatly

9

[quote]endgamer711 wrote:
rrjc5488 wrote:
In a short past few weeks, a few people that were close to me passed away

Take the time you need to grieve. Find someone to go to. Get a shoulder to cry on…[/quote]

Good advice.

Take time for yourself. You don’t have to go into hibernation mode, but you need time apart from others that would put emotional pressure on you.

Try to get outside as much as possible. Walks, go to the park, etc.
Good thinking time and the sunlight does you good this time of year.

10

Sounds like it might be time to confide with one of your friends that have been leaning so heavily on you as of late. Good luck, and as tough as it can be at times, try to keep things in perspective.

11

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
Take time for yourself. You don’t have to go into hibernation mode, but you need time apart from others that would put emotional pressure on you.

Try to get outside as much as possible. Walks, go to the park, etc.
Good thinking time and the sunlight does you good this time of year.[/quote]

Good post. Find outlets to relieve the stress. Being there for you close friends isnt an option its a necessity. You just have to deal with it. If a person is looking for advice that isn’t that close to you, offer help but dont let it overwhelm you. If they talk too long tell them you have somewhere to go, etc.

As Zap said, go for runs, snowboard (if it ever snows here), hit the gym extra hard. Its also imperative that your diet also is pretty good. If you put too much shit into you right now it will only add to the problems. So keep an eye on that.

12

This is just part of growing up. How you function in times of stress and adversity determines your true character. I know that death is tough, and grief can wreck havoc on you. You have been a good friend, now you need someone to listen to you.

I had a hard time in my 20’s. PM me for what NOT to do. It just might cheer you up. Hang in there kid.

13

[quote]Yo Momma wrote:
This is just part of growing up. How you function in times of stress and adversity determines your true character. I know that death is tough, and grief can wreck havoc on you. You have been a good friend, now you need someone to listen to you.

I had a hard time in my 20’s. PM me for what NOT to do. It just might cheer you up. Hang in there kid.[/quote]

But what “not” to do has made you what you are today. right Momma? If that “not” stuff didnt happen you wouldnt be as cool as you are now.

The situations that were are put into isnt whats important. Its how we handle them, learn from them and eventually move on from them is what matters most. Sure we all dont take the “right” road but shit, thats what makes us all unique.

14

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” - James Baldwin

15

[quote]PGA wrote:
But what “not” to do has made you what you are today. right Momma? If that “not” stuff didnt happen you wouldnt be as cool as you are now.

The situations that were are put into isnt whats important. Its how we handle them, learn from them and eventually move on from them is what matters most. Sure we all dont take the “right” road but shit, thats what makes us all unique.[/quote]

Some learn by experience. Some learn by listening to experience. I was just trying to save the kid some pain and damage. Cool ain’t what it’s cracked up to be.

16

I do believe that life is about balance and you may have a “giving” nature and I’m sure that people recognize that and hence the attraction to you.

But there is only so much of you that you can give before you become an empty shell… before you have nothing more to give…

Therefore you need to differentiate between those that always take and never give back or pay it forward and those that take from you but pay it back or pay it forward. Hope that makes sense!!!

Sometimes you can’t say no to your friends so you should take the time to help them but once it’s over, take care of yourself.

Let’s put this way…

When you go on an airplane and the hostess goes through their spiel about the oxygen masks. They always say to put yours on before you help anybody else. If you help other people first, you may not have the chance to help yourself… and you may die… therefore put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others.

Help yourself first, be strong, be powerful and then you can help others… but be wise… and help the people that want to help themselves…

17


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18

I’m probably gonna come off as a dick saying this, but one great way is to talk about things over instant messaging. That way, you don’t actually have to read it, but they get the illusion that you’re actually paying attention if you respond once in a while. You can also choose to really engage if it’s an important thing and not random repetitive whining.

I usually go with what was posted above and point out the obvious answer. For instance, my girlfriend’s roommate whines about being fat all the time. My advice was “You’re right, you’re actually morbidly obese and will probably have a heart attack by 40. Eat considerably less and start exercising and this problem will go away. Stop thinking of food as a treat/lifestyle/other such bullshit and think of it as fuel.” She verbally agreed, then went to a party and ate about 5 lbs of junk food. The next reply was “Stop whining, you obviously don’t actually care.” No more whining in my direction.

Sometimes sympathizing/enabling is the worst thing you can do. If it’s a fixable problem, kick them in the ass and force them to change. Obviously this doesn’t work for deaths in the family, but you get the idea.

-Dan

19

Who do you turn to with your problems? Chances are they are feeling the same way you do right now. What goes around comes around. If you can find a way to let the people in your life know that they can’t always use you for a shoulder, you will ease some of the stress you are feeling. You don’t need to abandon anyone, just don’t always be so available. You don’t need to live your life like the head of a support group.

20

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, Ryan. I feel you.

A friend of mine flat out told someone, “I don’t have the energy to deal with this. I need space.” It puts ppl in check and makes them realize that you’re not their personal therapist.

Tell them you refuse to deal with it.

I’m sorry you’ve lost friends recently. I know that’s not easy for you on top of everything else. Take care, man. I may not have AIM on this laptop, but I still have PM. :slight_smile: