Life's Too Much

dre · December 18, 2006, 5:55pm

I hear ya man. For some reason people always come to me when they need to talk. It doesn’t matter who it is. I’ve had complete strangers tell me about their battles with cancer, the death of their wives and what not. And this was after talking to them for only a couple of minutes.

Sometimes it sucks to always have people coming to you for advice or just to vent, but that’s the way it goes. In a way it’s a good thing because it means that people trust you. They see you as a strong person, someone who can take what the world throws at them. Atleast that’s the way I see it.

I’m very sorry to hear about the people you have lost.

Like others have said, you need to find an outlet for your frustrations and feelings. Whatever you do don’t go into hiding or try to work it out yourself. I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work.

This is the time when you need to rely on your family and friends.

Good luck man and hitting the gym always works for me.

taylorsj · December 18, 2006, 5:57pm

I can relate to your situation. I’ve always been the guy that people around me turn to when they need to get something off their chest, and I’ve always encouraged it. I like helping people work through their problems.

However, there was a point in my life where I gave so much of myself to other people that there wasn’t enough left for me. I was an emotional wreck from trying to shoulder other people’s problems along with my own. I had to take a step back. I didn’t turn people away; I just isolated myself for a while until I could get myself together.

You have to find a balance between loving others and loving yourself. It’s commendable to invest so much of yourself in other people, but if you don’t invest in yourself, too, you’re not going to be a healthy person. A healthier “you” will be a much happier “you” and you’ll be in a much better position to help others.

anon31651765 · December 18, 2006, 6:04pm

[quote]Yo Momma wrote:
PGA wrote:
But what “not” to do has made you what you are today. right Momma? If that “not” stuff didnt happen you wouldnt be as cool as you are now.

The situations that were are put into isnt whats important. Its how we handle them, learn from them and eventually move on from them is what matters most. Sure we all dont take the “right” road but shit, thats what makes us all unique.

Some learn by experience. Some learn by listening to experience. I was just trying to save the kid some pain and damage. Cool ain’t what it’s cracked up to be.

[/quote]

Wise words.

I’ve had quite a few deaths that were too close, I have handled it terribly, and serious amounts of drinking were/are involved.

I don’t know that there’s anyting anyone can say to you when shit like this happens, because you’ll deal with it how you’ll deal with it.

I would not advise my way, though. It’s taken me a while to realize that just because they’re dead doesn’t mean that I should be too.

Sting · December 18, 2006, 6:16pm

Let me see if I can be as blunt as possible. People are using you as a dumping ground for THEIR problems. THEY are unloading THEIR negative feelings on to you to alleviate THEIR emotional burden. After doing so, THEY feel better about THEIR problems. Notice a pattern?

As you go through life, remember that in many cases, the problems people face are of their own making. It’s not your job to fix their problems, nor is it your responsibility to help shoulder THEIR burden. Your friends and family will never learn to deal with THEIR problems, and thereby learn from THEIR mistakes, unless you let them. In fact, I’d go so far as saying that you’ll be doing them a great favor if you don’t help them at all.

When they try to dump THEIR problems on you, your response should simply be “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you can find a way to solve your problem.” Cold? You bet. Are you a jerk for not helping them? Nope. Selfish? You bet.

Don’t let people make THEIR problems into your problems. Unless you had a hand in creating whatever is causing them grief, THEIR problems aren’t your problems, and never will be.

dre · December 18, 2006, 6:54pm

[quote]Sting wrote:
Let me see if I can be as blunt as possible. People are using you as a dumping ground for THEIR problems. THEY are unloading THEIR negative feelings on to you to alleviate THEIR emotional burden. After doing so, THEY feel better about THEIR problems. Notice a pattern?

As you go through life, remember that in many cases, the problems people face are of their own making. It’s not your job to fix their problems, nor is it your responsibility to help shoulder THEIR burden. Your friends and family will never learn to deal with THEIR problems, and thereby learn from THEIR mistakes, unless you let them. In fact, I’d go so far as saying that you’ll be doing them a great favor if you don’t help them at all.

When they try to dump THEIR problems on you, your response should simply be “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you can find a way to solve your problem.” Cold? You bet. Are you a jerk for not helping them? Nope. Selfish? You bet.

Don’t let people make THEIR problems into your problems. Unless you had a hand in creating whatever is causing them grief, THEIR problems aren’t your problems, and never will be.[/quote]

I think we need to know the relationship of the people who are coming to him for help before we can say “they are dumping their problems on him.”

If they are close friends, that’s what friends do. They are there for one another and they lift each other up. I know that I will always be there for my close friends. Anytime and any place.

However, if these people are just casual acquaintances, than yes, I would agree that they are using him as an emotional dump heap. And he should think of himself and his needs before their needs.

pja · December 18, 2006, 7:19pm

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
[/quote]
See that’s why I try and not make friends.

ElbowStrike · December 18, 2006, 7:36pm

Well there are two roads you can go down here.

The one road, a close friend of mine went down. His cousin committed suicide, his grandfather died a slow, painful death from two cancers, and his girlfriend of five years took a forestry job, went bush-crazy, and had to undergo intensive psychotherapy. He refused to get help, tried to “deal with it” on his own, and ended up suicidal and eventually (after I practically dragged him into the psych ward) ended up on antidepressants for three years.

The other road, my uncle went down. He and his wife had moved to their dream home on the coast. Everything seemed fine on the surface, but it turns out she had been secretly taking amphetamines to lose weight.

She started having paranoid delusions and various psychoses about my uncle being abusive and neglectful. She’d make wild accusations about him having affairs and cutting her off from the world (he was actually working 40-50 hours making good money selling houses, and encouraging her to help with his business, join local sports and social clubs, to just get out of the house, make friends, and enjoy life this entire time).

One day he came home after work. She was gone. All her stuff was gone. She’d sent a massive email to all their friends and business associates about a lot of personal/bedroom things that were none of these peoples’ business and basically damaged his reputation socially and business-wise. Here’s the kicker: she left him for a man she met off of the internet who lives in his parents’ trailer.

The first thing my uncle did was open the phone book, and dial up the nearest professional counsellor.

He has coped quite well through the entire ordeal, he has divorced the crazywoman, his business has prospered, and he is marrying another divorcee who is RIDICULOUSLY HOT, I might add.

Now, which of these two roads would you rather go down? Suicidal deal-with-it-myself, or man-up and admit when you need help so that you can get over this and prosper in all aspects of life?

The choice is obvious.

– Strike de le Elbow

Sting · December 18, 2006, 8:16pm

[quote]dre wrote:
I think we need to know the relationship of the people who are coming to him for help before we can say “they are dumping their problems on him.”

If they are close friends, that’s what friends do. They are there for one another and they lift each other up. I know that I will always be there for my close friends. Anytime and any place.

However, if these people are just casual acquaintances, than yes, I would agree that they are using him as an emotional dump heap. And he should think of himself and his needs before their needs.[/quote]

True friends don’t dump their problems on you. The might ask for your advice, take such advice if it makes sense, and then solve THEIR problem(s). People who dump their problems on you, whether they are family or friends (close or otherwise) are toxic and should be avoided.

The problem is that most people want to help family and friends because, well, that’s what family and friends do for one another. Yet by being so quick to help, you don’t let the other person learn from their mistake(s).

One of the first things I do when someone comes to me with a problem or starts to complain about something is to ask “do you want advice on how to solve your problem, or are you just venting.”

This usually draws them up short and forces them to acknowledge one or the other. If they’re just venting, which is going to be 90% of the time, they’re forced to admit (at least to themselves) that they’re being weak/petty/childish, etc… and lack the mental guts to solve their problem(s).

At the same time, you’ve just saved yourself a great deal of time listening to someone who has no interest in resolving the matter.

In general, it’s much easier to complain about a problem than to actually solve it. This is why people are weak-minded and fail to learn from their mistake(s). In bodybuilding terms, think about your skinny friend who just can’t grow.

He complains about his genetics (“I’m an ectomorph, so it’s hard!”), rather than ask you how to put on muscle (which he already knows in many cases). The same goes for a fat friend who complains she can’t lose weight, but won’t ask you for dietary help (which she already knows in many cases). Both of these are easily-solved problems, but by listening to such complaining you’re only enabling helplessness.

I’m not saying you should be an emotional island cut off from the rest humanity. To the contrary, you should be more like the Rock of Gibraltar. Stoic in your majesty, but unforgiving of people’s weakness; you should only allow people worthy of your time to be a part of your life.

dre · December 18, 2006, 8:39pm

[quote]Sting wrote:
dre wrote:
I think we need to know the relationship of the people who are coming to him for help before we can say “they are dumping their problems on him.”