[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I love the sink in that second kitchen and the open pantry is great. I really think they should’ve re-thought the open shelves over the range and a lack of a vent hood. After the first home-cooked meal, the underside of that upper shelf is going to be covered in grease.[/quote]
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. I can see the case for the open shelves in such a small kitchen because they keep it open but those are going to get greasy.
The sink is awesome. My in laws have one of those sinks and a 100 year old pantry cabinet in their cabin up north that I want to pilfer when they decide to sell it. I’m not sure my guy will abide however.
[/quote]
My old cabin had one of these that I took out when we tore it down. Unfortunately it got used for target practice eventually. The old porcelain propane stove disappeared somehow also.
[quote]TQB wrote:
I made a deal with my wife when we bought the house. We tore out everything down to bare brick walls. She could do whatever she wanted as long as I got the Lacanche stove. Five burners including the central cast iron plate. Giant oven. I run it off propane although I have natural gas in the house. She did get to pick the colour :-).
[…]
PS. Lacanche sells restaurant pro stoves under the name “Ambassade de Bourgogne”. Those are functionally identical and less than half price. No Portuguese blue and brass handles, though. [/quote]
Very very nice stove.
My girlfriend and I have been toying with the idea of actually just building the house we want, after not really finding what we’re looking for.
We found this 60" range yesterday, which is almost perfect for what we’re both looking for: 6 (28k btu) burners, two full size ovens (as in, each will take full sheet pans), and a 24" griddle. The build quality and price is right too.
Could be a little prettier, of course.
But… after doing a lot of further research, it just seems like it would be a nightmare trying to get things installed right, insured right, passing building codes, etc. That’s not to say it can’t be done, but it won’t be easy.
And then I spent a bunch of time researching a number of the “pro-sumer” ranges, and there really doesn’t seem to be much benefit to going that way. BlueStar and Capital are possibilities, but only in the “if I have to settle” sense.
A large range needs a large (loud) hood.
You may get more use out of a built-in grill rather than griddle. A simple metal griddle can be purchased and placed across 2 burners if need be.
Depending on the model, you may not be able to butt cabinetry up against the range.
Repairs can be ridiculously expensive. My Wolf range has a thermocouple that’s an integral part of the gas valve, so when the thermocouple goes out - as they do - rather than a $12 repair I can do myself, it’s a $459 part plus a service call.
Thought I’d resurrect this old thread as I could use some advice.
My wife has a pretty stressful job. She’s a tax manager and personal financial planner. An average week is 50+ hours. Tax season and other deadlines result in 60+ hours.
For years this was not ideal, but doable when it was just the two of us. Now we have two kids (2 and 4 months) and she is stressed to the max. She also has problems dealing with anxiety (something I don’t relate to and struggle to help her with). She has had to go on medication in the past, but not for some time.
I try to help the best I can and try to limit her at home responsibilities. Obviously, I can’t do everything and she still does a considerable amount at home. I am also not exactly the best when it comes to being empathetic. It’s just not my nature. I try. I really do, but I come from a long line of just suck it up and deal with it types. The military only re-enforced that mentality. I am also more of an introvert that likes to keep my thoughts/emotions to my self and she is the opposite.
Anyway, aside from venting a little, I’m looking for ideas on:
A) How to help reduce her stress levels at home and,
B) Ways to improve our home life.
I’ve suggested we implement two date nights (one during the week and one on the weekend). They don’t have to be dates out they just have to be time together (if possible with the infant). We have always talked about having a date night, but we’ve never set anything up in stone so to speak and it sorta goes by the wayside.
I also thought a “family day” on Saturday or Sunday that does not involve watching 17 episodes of Mickey Mouse Club House would help.
I am particularly hoping @EmilyQ and @anon71262119 will chime in. You guys usually have some sage advice when it comes to this stuff. It would also be great to hear from @countingbeans and other accountants since you go through this yourselves.
Thanks, Puff, I really appreciate it! You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Regarding @ downsizing, this is part of the problem. We moved into a more expensive house than we needed to a few years ago to help her dad with her mom (She had some medical issues and has since passed this year and that has had a pretty big impact on her emotionally, of course). So, we’re kinda stuck financially. I think she could take a pay cut and we could get by, by cutting corners, but I don’t think she could go part-time. I also don’t think she has the mentality to go part-time if that makes sense? She is very type-A and I think (unprofessionally, lol) that a lot of her self-worth comes from her work and she’s very good at what she does. I think she would be bored at home with the boys, to be honest.
It definitely helps. I told her last night that I think she needs to spend more time on herself. Either doing things that she likes (like exercising something she really hasn’t done since our first was born) or spending more personal time on herself. She is selfless to a fault.
While I don’t have kids yet, I do relate to this. Very similar.
Couple of things I’ve done to help improve my empathy is learning and implementing how to read body language. I’ve read Joe Navarro’s “What Every Body Is Saying” - also, reading “Thinking, Fast and Slow” kind of gave me a little more insight into how people think (according to Daniel Kahneman)
Another book that’s been really helpful for me improving my empathy was Meditations - Marcus Aurelius (and diving into other Stoic philosophy - seems counter-intuitive but it’s really helped my perspective with dealing with other people - especially my wife, the person with whom I spent the lion’s share of my quality time).
The beauty, to me, of Meditations is it’s not a book that one reads “to read” but I tend to reflect on each entry and topic as it relates to the world around me and reflect on how I react to things outside of myself and that which I can’t control.
I’ve also, to help me get a better understanding of myself and my emotions, started keeping a journal or daily log of just what I did that day. Sometimes I’ll dig deeper about things (emotions, economics, daily news, politics, whatever interests me). I let my wife read it (because I’m more eloquent and communicate more directly and succinctly through written word) and she gets a glimpse into my thoughts and understands them better (edit: re-reading this, this last part has improved our communication and understanding of each other tremendously - again, that may not be the best approach for you and your wife, just sharing a strategy that’s worked for us).
Sometimes I actually write as if I know she’ll be reading it and use words I know will resonate better with her but still honest with myself. I’m not sure that would help in your situation, but it’s helped me/us out.
I have been meaning to check Meditations out. I follow the Daily Stoic on Facebook and they post quotes quite a bit (and I like Ryan Holiday as well). I can certainly identify with stoicism (from my limited understanding of it anyway) and a deeper dive might definitely help.
I’m sure you understand, it’s just difficult when my gut reaction is something like “It happened, it’s over now, it’s in the past. Move on.” That’s just how I have always been and she is the opposite (her entire family is tbh). They live in the past or in the future and I struggle to identify with that mentality even a little.
I might try the journaling. I definitely struggle to find the right words on the spot. I am not a very good verbal communicator (not that my writing is great either).
About how important do you think this mental flexibility is for helping with the anxiety parents experience when bringing a little one into the world? i.e. undulating expectations between parents? Like knowing there will be peaks and troughs with motivation from both sides and synchronizing so one is at a peak and one is at a trough, but low amplitude (hopefully).
Regarding this piece I would suggest that you reframe your thinking. Rather than considering it a problem so severe she had to take medication but luckily doesn’t now, perhaps view it as needing supplementation in order to function most effectively. I think that might make it more relatable for you? Brain chemistry is like any other physical system. It’s easy for some people to pack on muscle - just drink milk and push yourself in the gym - but for others it requires strict adherence to specialized diets and supplements, careful management of injury-prone areas, etc. Replacing muscle with emotion, some people just stay cool while others need to work to manage their anxiety. That may mean meditation, exercise (it’s running for me), medication, or whatever. But it’s all the same thing, really. Maximizing gains, minimizing injury.
I think learning the art of active listening would be a big help in both arenas. What was it Ludacris said? “They wanna to talk to ya, so shut up and listen. If you can’t take the heat get the fuck out the kitchen.” Active listening means making eye contact, giving non-verbal indication that you’re listening, and reflecting back in some manner what she’s saying, e.g. “You sound really frustrated. I would be, too.” Women tend to verbalize emotion. It’s good - easy to know where they stand as long as this isn’t quashed, and it also vents some of the negative stuff.
Equitable division of labor - good job. It matters. Date nights - good job. It matters. I agree with PP that these can happen at home after bedtime (bring grownup pizza or Chinese food home, open a bottle of wine, and sit cross-legged on a blanket talking and eating - voila, Friday night date). When my four kids (lol, wtf) were little we’d lace on rollerblades and their dad would push the two littler ones in a double stroller while I pushed #2 in the umbrella stroller, with the eldest riding along on a bike. Everyone liked it and it really was date-like because he and I were skating together.
Difficult but necessary. Cleaning help would be great, but if not a lowering of expectations might be necessary. I also really like to keep chores contained rather than having them overshadow the entire weekend. So “let’s take an hour to get the house in shape, then go [do fun thing].”
I hadn’t thought about it that way, thanks for that.
I think I am pretty good or at least decent at the first part (eye contact, non-verbal indications of listening, etc…). Where I struggle is the reflecting back part and I hadn’t really thought about it the way you describe it.
We had a nice conversation last night and I think she is already feeling better.
I do have a copy (actually have 2 copies…) and I think it has helped in the past. Perhaps it’s time to have another look.
She mentioned feeling guilty a couple of times last night. Particularly that she felt a) that she was missing too much time with them and b) that the second was taking time from the first and she feels like it isn’t fair to our first. I think we worked through (a) pretty well. I don’t think she sees them much less than I do. I think she just perceives it that way because she’s so busy. (b) was interesting because I feel the same way so it was a nice I guess moment for us to share and get through together.
I think this will be the most difficult part for her. We discussed it a bit last night and she just doesn’t feel like she has the time to do anything other than work and spend a small amount of time with us. She even mentioned feeling like she had to block time off for me (which made me feel shit if I’m being honest). Part of the issue right now is that she has to pump at work so she loses about an hour of productivity, which is an hour of otherwise free time lost. Luckily, that is a relatively short-term (about 8 more months) and then she will get that time back. Then I think she’ll go back to the gym, which I think will make a big difference for her.
I probably should have phrased that differently or elaborated more. I feel bad that she feels like she needs to block off time for me (she mentioned that it makes her feel like sex in particular is like a chore/work because of this) not that I feel like shit because that’s how it is. Hopefully, that makes sense?
I understand that certain times of the year and with the newborn, she physically and emotionally doesn’t have the energy/emotional capital for me. I understand that and I accept that. I just wish she didn’t feel bad about it and I told her as much.
At my wifes place there was a big shake up in upper management and ensuing ripple effect, wherein her immediate supervisor resigned and a new one was installed. That being what it is, the first thing he did was fire a bunch of people and put everyone left on notice that if they misstep one iota, they’re gone too.
Her solution to this is to run panicking through her days and do a minimum 4hrs. of overtime every day to try to prove that shes worth keeping-even though the new boss has sat her down and expressed that she is absolutely vital to their operation and he would never think of letting her go, and even verbalized a nice pay bump for her next up and coming assignment (which she landed, worth many $MM).
She has expressed, using the exact same language, the she does not have the emotional energy/capital for us as a family right now. As many times as I’ve tried to let her off the hook and tell her that I have the home front nailed down, she just doesn’t hear it.
I think its panic (fear) and guilt driving her into the dirt like flight 97, and as much as I’ve tried to reassure her that “we got this” as a team, she just feels more guilt for not fulfilling her "matronly duties’.
Unfortunately, I have no advice other than to say hang in there and that I’m in the same boat (modern family/life, huh?). It seems like once these reactions go super critical, they have to run their course. Fortunately, you have an approximate time frame for where it ends.
This is just in general, not necessarily directed at either you or USMC - but one thing I’ve learned is you can’t change someone’s mind. Only they can. Best you can do is support and/or present another perspective for consideration. They can either choose to consider it or not. That’s about it. Maintaining support and stability for them is critical though - and understanding (I’ve had similar situations with my wife as well and these are the conclusions/strategies I’ve employed that produced something resembling a positive result lol) where they’re at emotionally and inline with their over arching goals.
So now I’ve gotten like four hours of sleep because I made the mistake of reading back through this thread from the beginning. I have feelings about it, but have to go work out.
I will say now that I miss @Chushin very much and wish he would come back for a minute so I could apologize to him. I don’t even remember what the argument was, exactly (I remember the bones of it) but I regret letting it get enough under my skin that I offended him to the degree I did. @Chushin if you’re pulled back by my use of your name - I’m sorry. I miss your humor and wisdom.
