[quote]LoRez wrote:
[/quote]
Ah. I understand now.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
More feelings. I just got official approval that my company is ok with me working remotely. I’ve had the unofficial “there really shouldn’t be any problem” for months, but it’s nice for it to now be official. I’m both excited and relieved.
[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Do you want more growth in this particular area?[/quote]
I don’t know what I want. Mostly just the feeling of having “wasted” the last couple years to go away, or at least, to not feel like that in the future. There’s so many important, cutting edge things to be working on, that I’d love to be doing, but I haven’t figured out how to do it in a way that works for all the varying aspects of my life. If I want to live in a box under a bridge with a laptop and wifi, I know how to do it… but maintaining friendships, a relationship, a household, preparing for the ephemeral “retirement” in my future… that’s what I struggle with. Because of the way I personally work on stuff, the amount of intensity, energy and focus, it usually turns it into an either/or prospect. Either I do the things that make me feel like my life actually adds some value while everything else falls apart around me, or I don’t.
There’s probably something of a middle ground (besides paying people to handle everything else peripheral in my life), but I haven’t found it yet.[/quote]
I’m back from my training and baptism.
So the issue is that you don’t know how to achieve balance when you allow yourself to get swept up in an intellectual/creative project?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m back from my training and baptism.
So the issue is that you don’t know how to achieve balance when you allow yourself to get swept up in an intellectual/creative project?
[/quote]
Welcome back.
That’s one of the problems. In order to wrap my head around most of these things, it pretty much requires everything I have, and then a bunch of stuff slips. A friend of mine in college often reminded me to eat because I got so into whatever.
But there’s other problems.
I’ve had some good shifts in perspective in the past couple weeks too. My mood’s fluctuating a lot, but there seem to be a lot more positive times. We’ve had some really really crazy changes at work, on top of getting ready for the move and holiday planning. It’s been stressful, but I think it’s forcing me to readjust some things to deal with it. All in all good.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m back from my training and baptism.
So the issue is that you don’t know how to achieve balance when you allow yourself to get swept up in an intellectual/creative project?
[/quote]
Welcome back.
That’s one of the problems. In order to wrap my head around most of these things, it pretty much requires everything I have, and then a bunch of stuff slips. A friend of mine in college often reminded me to eat because I got so into whatever.
But there’s other problems.
I’ve had some good shifts in perspective in the past couple weeks too. My mood’s fluctuating a lot, but there seem to be a lot more positive times. We’ve had some really really crazy changes at work, on top of getting ready for the move and holiday planning. It’s been stressful, but I think it’s forcing me to readjust some things to deal with it. All in all good.[/quote]
It’s funny, my last session last night was about this very thing. Loss of balance during times of creativity or passion. For what it’s worth, there’s a chapter on this in “Guiding the Gifted Child,” which was written back when “gifted” meant intellectually.
Last night’s guy finds it in every realm - anything that ignites passion consumes him, which has included athletic and unhealthy stuff as well as work stuff (line of work similar to yours, oddly enough).
I experience this to a much, much lesser extent - probably because at heart I’m socially oriented, so I never really withdraw to follow internal drives. The downside of that is that people get sick of whatever it is I’m suddenly all about because I verbalize it.
Anyway, the advice I gave him (these sessions are much more mutual brainstorming than me as expert, since the guy is every bit as bright and insightful as I am) is to frame it in a healthy way and then manage it. Knowledge is power, and all that. Just because you have become consumed to the point of not eating in the past does not mean that this is how it must be - you can take control to some degree. Setting alarms, for instance, so family stuff isn’t completely neglected.
I was worrying about something similar with Hockey this weekend. He does a lot of woodworking and electrical things, and just work shop stuff in general. Having a place to build stuff is important to him; a large space over the garage or whatever. It’s come up in talking about what we’d want in a shared home. It occurred to me this weekend that if we move in together I may feel abandoned when he gets wrapped up in stuff in there. In fact, knowing me, I will feel left behind, avoided, and hurt if he gobbles food and then disappears until after I’m asleep night after night.
So I probably need to address that before the fact. I’m not sure what I’d be looking for as a solution, however, because I don’t want to limit his freedom to follow his passions. A comfy chair in the corner of the shop where I can read or mess around online? Is that bizarre? Cloying? It probably is. :-/
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I was worrying about something similar with Hockey this weekend. He does a lot of woodworking and electrical things, and just work shop stuff in general. Having a place to build stuff is important to him; a large space over the garage or whatever. It’s come up in talking about what we’d want in a shared home. It occurred to me this weekend that if we move in together I may feel abandoned when he gets wrapped up in stuff in there. In fact, knowing me, I will feel left behind, avoided, and hurt if he gobbles food and then disappears until after I’m asleep night after night.
So I probably need to address that before the fact. I’m not sure what I’d be looking for as a solution, however, because I don’t want to limit his freedom to follow his passions. A comfy chair in the corner of the shop where I can read or mess around online? Is that bizarre? Cloying? It probably is. :-/
[/quote]
No, you’re good. Guys socialise by doing things next to each other. If Hockey had had a mate in the workshop, they would probably not exchange a word while working, unless necessary for the project. Started with making flint tools 
[quote]TQB wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I was worrying about something similar with Hockey this weekend. He does a lot of woodworking and electrical things, and just work shop stuff in general. Having a place to build stuff is important to him; a large space over the garage or whatever. It’s come up in talking about what we’d want in a shared home. It occurred to me this weekend that if we move in together I may feel abandoned when he gets wrapped up in stuff in there. In fact, knowing me, I will feel left behind, avoided, and hurt if he gobbles food and then disappears until after I’m asleep night after night.
So I probably need to address that before the fact. I’m not sure what I’d be looking for as a solution, however, because I don’t want to limit his freedom to follow his passions. A comfy chair in the corner of the shop where I can read or mess around online? Is that bizarre? Cloying? It probably is. :-/
[/quote]
No, you’re good. Guys socialise by doing things next to each other. If Hockey had had a mate in the workshop, they would probably not exchange a word while working, unless necessary for the project. Started with making flint tools :-)[/quote]
You don’t think he’ll feel like he can’t get a minute to himself?
LoRez, what do you think? Would you feel like someone’s breathing down your neck if your gf was nearby while you did your thing?
I had a couple in with this as an issue, but the crux of the thing seems to be that she wants them to be together - but doing what SHE thinks they should be doing. I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for, as I have my own things I want to do (tnation!). I just don’t want to be rattling around alone in a house all the time. Plus in my case there’s his travel, which offers me enough alone time. I don’t want to be a golf or workshop widow on top of that. Watching sports is ok with me, for instance, because I can be snuggled in and engage or disengage with the game as I see fit.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]TQB wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I was worrying about something similar with Hockey this weekend. He does a lot of woodworking and electrical things, and just work shop stuff in general. Having a place to build stuff is important to him; a large space over the garage or whatever. It’s come up in talking about what we’d want in a shared home. It occurred to me this weekend that if we move in together I may feel abandoned when he gets wrapped up in stuff in there. In fact, knowing me, I will feel left behind, avoided, and hurt if he gobbles food and then disappears until after I’m asleep night after night.
So I probably need to address that before the fact. I’m not sure what I’d be looking for as a solution, however, because I don’t want to limit his freedom to follow his passions. A comfy chair in the corner of the shop where I can read or mess around online? Is that bizarre? Cloying? It probably is. :-/
[/quote]
No, you’re good. Guys socialise by doing things next to each other. If Hockey had had a mate in the workshop, they would probably not exchange a word while working, unless necessary for the project. Started with making flint tools :-)[/quote]
You don’t think he’ll feel like he can’t get a minute to himself?
LoRez, what do you think? Would you feel like someone’s breathing down your neck if your gf was nearby while you did your thing?
I had a couple in with this as an issue, but the crux of the thing seems to be that she wants them to be together - but doing what SHE thinks they should be doing. I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for, as I have my own things I want to do (tnation!). I just don’t want to be rattling around alone in a house all the time. Plus in my case there’s his travel, which offers me enough alone time. I don’t want to be a golf or workshop widow on top of that. Watching sports is ok with me, for instance, because I can be snuggled in and engage or disengage with the game as I see fit. [/quote]
FWIW, I like having my wife around when I’m engaged in something.
It’s her need to talk to me that irritates at times.[/quote]
Oh. Yeah. Talking. It’s difficult to be silent, huh? For some of us. :-/
I have a nice little shop where I can “decompress”. Everything from a welding machine, woodworking tools to a PLC board where I can fuck around and geek out on some (admittedly useless) motor controls and electronics (which runs on a solar powered inverter system that I built - it’s pretty fucking awesome!). I want to get a HAM radio station next (by “get”, I mean build one). Basically, when I feel the need, I just want to drink a few beers, blast some classic rock and tinker with/build some shit. It puts me in a creative “head space” that somehow charges my batteries. It let’s me “reconnect” with something primal - it’s hard to explain…
Not sure if I’d want any “female energy” in that space, though… I’d probably feel a little smothered. And if she interrupted me with questions, that shit would get old quick… Nor would I want someone telling me how often I can go there. I’d go there when I needed to. You and Hockey seem like you have a pretty good mutual respect thing going on. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t leave you alone every night while he fucked off in his shop. Besides, if you’re ever feeling neglected, there are PLENTY of ways to charge one’s batteries and I’m sure you could “persuade” him to find one that included you… 
You women and your charms can distract a man from just about anything if you put your minds to it. LOL
If he’s up there working and you’re feeling lonely, just put on something naughty and bring him a refreshing beverage - he’ll get the hint!
When I think about it, some of the best sex I’ve had is when I’ve been in that “creative space” and my woman came and got me and basically said, “OK, it’s time for you to fuck me now”… The energy and the synergy between the masculine and feminine was pretty fucking cool because I was already in a “primal” headspace…
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
When I think about it, some of the best sex I’ve had is when I’ve been in that “creative space” and my woman came and got me and basically said, “OK, it’s time for you to fuck me now”… The energy and the synergy between the masculine and feminine was pretty fucking cool because I was already in a “primal” headspace…[/quote]
I don’t know if I could do that, honestly. I’d get all twisted up trying to decide if he’d be glad or upset, but politely pretend he’s not. Probably THE major damage I came away with from my childhood is a fear of imposing myself where I’m not wanted.
On the other hand, I know this about myself now and presumably we’ll talk about all of these things so we each have an idea of what the other wants and needs.
Hockey’s workshop and the things he does there sound very, very similar to yours and I suspect he would describe what he gains from it similarly. Both the challenge of building whatever and the head space.
So this weekend we bring pieces of our families together for the first time. I hope it goes well.
I’m so in love with this guy. It makes me wonder how I ever attributed that sentiment to my ex-husband or Tim. In retrospect and in comparison, I had passion and fun with Tim and commitment with my husband.
I’m going to be desolate if something goes wrong with Hockey. I’d come to think that I’m exceptionally resilient, which accounted for my quick recoveries when the two relationships ended, but now I see that it had more to do with the quality of the relationships. They were both very stressful for me, though apparently not for the men. I was sad but relieved when each of them ended.
If this one ends, I’m going to be genuinely heartbroken.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So this weekend we bring pieces of our families together for the first time. I hope it goes well.
I’m so in love with this guy. It makes me wonder how I ever attributed that sentiment to my ex-husband or Tim. In retrospect and in comparison, I had passion and fun with Tim and commitment with my husband.
I’m going to be desolate if something goes wrong with Hockey. I’d come to think that I’m exceptionally resilient, which accounted for my quick recoveries when the two relationships ended, but now I see that it had more to do with the quality of the relationships. They were both very stressful for me, though apparently not for the men. I was sad but relieved when each of them ended.
If this one ends, I’m going to be genuinely heartbroken.[/quote]
Well, don’t get fat, don’t cut your hair and don’t nag… It really is that simple. Fuck him, feed him and make him feel like a man when he’s had a bad day.
Not rocket science!
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So this weekend we bring pieces of our families together for the first time. I hope it goes well.
I’m so in love with this guy. It makes me wonder how I ever attributed that sentiment to my ex-husband or Tim. In retrospect and in comparison, I had passion and fun with Tim and commitment with my husband.
I’m going to be desolate if something goes wrong with Hockey. I’d come to think that I’m exceptionally resilient, which accounted for my quick recoveries when the two relationships ended, but now I see that it had more to do with the quality of the relationships. They were both very stressful for me, though apparently not for the men. I was sad but relieved when each of them ended.
If this one ends, I’m going to be genuinely heartbroken.[/quote]
Well, don’t get fat, don’t cut your hair and don’t nag… It really is that simple. Fuck him, feed him and make him feel like a man when he’s had a bad day.
Not rocket science! ;)[/quote]
I somehow don’t think it’s that simple, but maybe.
I called “uncle” on the two previous relationships, so I suppose it’s possible that not getting fat or nagging would have kept them there forever. I keep my hair long enough for at least a half-assed ponytail because of workouts, but it’s never much longer than shoulder length.
I dunno. It all seems very confusing and uncertain to me. Which I imagine goes back to my mother’s abrupt departure.
Don’t be so friggin’ psychologistical. Be there. Don’t crowd him. And if you show up in your sexy lingerie, don’t pick the moment when the widget has to into the thingummy. Can you do three out of three?
I have no way of knowing for certain when the widget is going into the thingummy! Especially when I’m in another room growing my hair long and slipping into sexy lingerie!
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I have no way of knowing for certain when the widget is going into the thingummy! Especially when I’m in another room growing my hair long and slipping into sexy lingerie!
[/quote]
When he looks like is thinking and just barely grunts then the widget must go into the thingummy.
Especially if he has a tool in his hand.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I have no way of knowing for certain when the widget is going into the thingummy! Especially when I’m in another room growing my hair long and slipping into sexy lingerie!
[/quote]
When he looks like is thinking and just barely grunts then the widget must go into the thingummy.
Especially if he has a tool in his hand. [/quote]
If she puts his tool in her hand, he will put down the tool in his hand.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I have no way of knowing for certain when the widget is going into the thingummy! Especially when I’m in another room growing my hair long and slipping into sexy lingerie!
[/quote]
When he looks like is thinking and just barely grunts then the widget must go into the thingummy.
Especially if he has a tool in his hand. [/quote]
If she puts his tool in her hand, he will put down the tool in his hand.[/quote]
True.
And soon thereafter the widget will go in the thingummy.
Em, woodworking is fun. Maybe he can teach you some stuff =)
Im the woodworker in my house but my guy has tool sense from decades of working with his hands and he loves when I need his help. it started when I got a cheap table saw to build canvas stretchers for paintings, then I moved up to 1x2 cradles for hardboard painting supports and we have had a lot of fun together in the garage which is now a pretty complete shop with a nice new cabinet table saw.
Try to not go crazy waiting for this good thing to go wrong! I can only speak from experience with my own relationship and observation with others but IMO the best thing couples can do for each other is to attempt to have some common interests AND have a life of their own so they are aren’t waiting for their other half to finish their fun and come home. But I’m a person who needs a lot of alone time so it’s never an issue that my guy goes off and does things without me. Right now he’s gone for 3 days to climb a mountain that I decided was going to interfere with my lifting plans so he just went with his buddies and I’m getting ready to go lift.
I have friends who think that is fucked up but we’ve got a lot years in and they um… don’t.