WARNING: LONG POST, MOSTLY INTROSPECTION AND STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN A (RELATIVELY) SAVE ENVIRONMENT WHERE SEMI-ANONYMITY ALLOWS PERSONAL THOUGHTS / DEMONS TO BE COMMUNICATED WITH (RELATIVELY) LITTLE JUDGEMENT.
āHave I wasted my life?ā
Thatās the question I typed into Google today. Its a question that has eaten away at me for a number of years. To understand why I felt I needed to ask that question today I ought to explain the events of the last 2-3 years.
But before I do that I want to go on record that I know these āproblemsā of mine are relative - my life is overall good and Iām sure there is a large proportion of the population that would trade places with me in an instant. As I type this Louis Tomlinsonās āTwo of Usā is playing on the radio - he lost his mum and sister in the last year or so which makes my āproblemsā seem completely insignificant.
But it is possible to be thankful for the things you have while still asking the question āHave I wasted my life?ā
So the last few years: in 2014 I was flying high at work, ear-marked for a future position on the board of directors. I had a 2 year old girl and we were trying for another baby (she was born in 2015). We were about to move into a new house. Then in 2015 something at work changedā¦the CEO (who had been a supporter of mine) began to turn. My response was to work harder - I was leaving home to commute to London before the children woke and coming back after they slept. Iād have dinner with the wife then log back on and work until midnight or after. Then I started working weekends too. I was shouting at the new born when she wouldnāt go to sleep. I hate it thinking back now.
In the last 6 months 2015 I took 2 days off work; 1 to move house, 1 to go to hospital with my dad as he had cancer removed from his neck.
But the CEO didnāt let up; the public berating and belittling became more frequent. In August 2016 I left work suddenly. Initially I felt liberated. Then I felt like a failure. All my life I had excelled at school and studying (I sucked at sports but that never bothered me). There had never been a problem I couldnāt out-work; but now I had failed. I had been naĆÆve thinking that being the best at my job would put me above my peers; I didnāt play the corporate game and I got cut out.
After I left the CEO sent me a letter saying how I bought it upon myself; how my ego didnāt allow me to see what was going wrong; how I was too sensitive. I never did reply to that letter. Perhaps I should
In late 2016 I decided the thing to do was to try to launch my own fintech start up. I had 2 cracking ideas and a bucket load of enthusiasm. But I also had a lot of fear. Iād not even managed my career properly; how was I going to manage and nurture and build a business from scratch? And what if I put a lot of money in and it fails; I would have failed twice in a year.
I gave into the fear and half-arsed my effort. Jumping on the excuse band wagon - I donāt know any tech guys to build the platform; thereās other business in a similar space; I want to spend more time with the family; its too big for one man to do.
In the end I started working with my father in law. Heās had his own accounting practice for 20+ years. My wife also works with him. Its ok. I get home at 5.45pm and see the children. But it doesnāt excite me.
When I left uni in 2005 I already had a job lined up at KPMG (one of the big 4 accounting firms). I moved to London in 2006 to start the job and I was high on life as a 20 year old living in the big city training to qualify as an accountant. Ok that doesnāt sound sexy but it was a means to an end; qualify as an accountant; specialise in deals / transactions; move to a big bank and run mergers and acquisitions. Now I am doing the run of the mill accounting work that I exactly didnāt want to be doing 14 years ago. Oh yeh and Iām not even doing it in London; Iām doing it in a sleepy town in Kent. Calling it a town is generous.
Two years ago I was offered the CFO at a fintech start up; I turned it down thinking I could do better. That start up has tripled in value since then and is seeking to float in 3-4 years. Another poor choice made by me.
During my drive to and from work I often try to pinpoint where I changed from being a super-confident 20 year old ready to make his mark on London to being a 34 year old questioning whether he wasted the last 20 years. Some of the best theories:
- Being too naĆÆve and not playing the corporate game
- Meeting my wife on my first day of work as a 20 year old; would I have gotten further if I had met her later in my life (this sounds harsh; I love my wife deeply and I always will. However, she has never been the type to aspire to achieve to great things. She believes in being happy and healthy for today and tomorrow will take care of itself. I look forwards and think today takes care of itself).
- Perhaps thatās my problem - I dream of achieving things tomorrow without thinking about what I need to do today to get there
- Not reading more - I donāt mean To Kill A Mockingbird but books on life skills.
- My choice of uni
- My choice of college
- My choice of friends
I get that my āproblemsā are work related; people will say āyou have your health and family - you should appreciate thatā, āwork to live not live to workā and other such things. My wife has said similar things. But I canāt explain it; work/career was always the thing I was expected to excel at. Iāve never been the fittest, fastest, strongest, best looking but I was always up there for being smart. But now I donāt even have that.
There are people Iāve met in my career than I was smarter / sharper than (is that my ego coming out again?) but they have blazed past me. What really bought it home this week is seeing a guy from KPMG on facebook that I used to explain things to has co-founded a capital management firm and is opening a new office is Dubai. I am happy for him yet also incredibly jealous.
I believe that its possible to appreciate what you have today while still wanting to aspire to more. I just donāt aspire to anything now. I donāt know what to aspire for. And even if I did, I donāt know how I would achieve it.
Iām in this [insert āenviableā or āunenviableā depending on your perspective] position where I am unhappy and want to change something but too comfortable financially to justify taking a risk on something. That sounds ridiculous, I know. But think about it like this; the most successful people out there that have made it on their own are either: (A) in a position where they have nothing left to lose so they risk it all or (B) they have so much that they can afford to risk it.
Iām slap bang in the middle. Average. Mediocre. That 20 year old never thought heād be using the word āmiddleā to describe himself. But thatās where we are.
The only thing that I look forward to (other than spending time with the kids and wife) is going to the gym. All the friends I grew up with (you know, the ones I questioned whether I chose correctly!) are back home about 2 hours away. I havenāt seen them since 27 December 2018. Last time before that was September 2017.
After all that typing, Iām not sure how to finish this. I feels like I should deliver some kind of insightful and sagely closing line but I canāt even aspire to that.
I shouldnāt be giving up on dreaming at 34 should I? Surely thatās too young. Whatever the right answer is, I need to figure it out otherwise Iāll be typing āHave I wasted my life?ā into Google again and again.