It’s like you were a fly on the wall during my first marriage.
[/quote]
And mine, except again the role reversal. Sex was absolutely joyless in every aspect and the harder I tried the more aviodant he became. Although it didn’t work out and he sort of sucks, I will always appreciate the boyfriend, who taught me what good sex could be like. I will never tolerate bad sex again. And I can’t WAIT until I can find the right guy to have good sex with, along with all the other good things, whatever they may prove to be. It’s not only the sex itself, but the play. . .being able to say “See that kid over there, with the ice cream cone? I’m gonna do that to you later.” Or announcing “I’m objectifying you right now in my head.”
Plus watching tv snuggled up and cooking together or for him, pillow talk. . .yeah. I need to find the right guy. One who makes learning what he likes part of the fun, and who is paying the same kind of attention to me for his own pleasure and mine.
I don’t think that’s naive.
[/quote]
we’re all looking for that relationship, EmmyDearest - that is why your naivety is so adorable!
(pinches Emmy’s cute little checks, musses her hair)[/quote]
I think it might be naive if I weren’t so willing to do my part to make it happen the way I want it to. It’s not like I’m looking for a Prince Charming to rescue me from a life of privation and drudgery and am grudgingly willing to throw some half-assed sex his way to get it.
I think you and the missus should find someone like me to go talk to together. Someone who is optimistic/romantic as well as realistic/practical. And try to work your shit out so you won’t both be so unhappy. It seems really unnecessary to me.
Em, do you do couples therapy, or just individual?
Would you ever recommend a couple seeing a therapist that also has seen one of the couple as a patient, or should they find someone completely new to both?
The more you give your dude what he wants, the more likely you are to get what you want. If not, punt that mother fucker out like it’s 4th and 10. [/quote]
I completely agree, and believe it works both ways.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Em, do you do couples therapy, or just individual?
Would you ever recommend a couple seeing a therapist that also has seen one of the couple as a patient, or should they find someone completely new to both?[/quote]
To this point I’ve only done couples work as a piece of family work (identifying that a toxic couple needed attention to help a kid I was working with). At the new job I’ve already got a couple of SO’s wanting to come in when we’re ready to move to that piece. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been on the other side of the equation with the ex (going in together to see someone he’d been working with) and it was fine. Other professionals feel there should be someone separate (must never blur the boundaries!) but my background is in social work, which is person-in-environment rather than individualistic in its orientation. I very much like family work, and seem to make progress under whatever conditions unless someone comes in hell bent on proving that this is bullshit. But assuming reasonable good will, it works.
I know some people (clients) feel that a therapist is on the “side” of the person they already know, but I think I do a good job of identifying goals that are mutual and leaving everyone feeling liked and accepted. That was my experience as a part of a couple coming in, as well.
So in answer I guess I’d say it depends on the therapist and the couple. But I think it’s fine. I may even find it preferable in that it allows a greater depth of understanding of the day-to-day of the couple, and of the weaknesses each bring to the relationship. When a couple comes in fresh together they whip out the big guns right away and are off and running with “you never put out” or “you spend too much.” Whereas if I have a guy in telling me about the good and bad of his life with his wife as a secondary character it’s easier to understand them both. No defensiveness, no telling for effect. Or a woman talking about her exhaustion and what she would like sex to be like. I can explore whether she’s tired, turned off, thinks he smells bad - without him there to distract her or make her censor herself. I can also get rid of whatever barriers I can uncover before I bring the other in.
The more you give your dude what he wants, the more likely you are to get what you want. If not, punt that mother fucker out like it’s 4th and 10. [/quote]
I completely agree, and believe it works both ways.
[/quote]
Non.
[/quote]
That doesn’t even make sense to me. Explain how it could possibly work differently. Mutual adoration is the goal. Not playing silly games into perpetuity.
The more you give your dude what he wants, the more likely you are to get what you want. If not, punt that mother fucker out like it’s 4th and 10. [/quote]
I completely agree, and believe it works both ways.
[/quote]
Non.
[/quote]
That doesn’t even make sense to me. Explain how it could possibly work differently. Mutual adoration is the goal. Not playing silly games into perpetuity.
[/quote]
Well, if your frame (as a man) is right , it might work but you risk this:
Well, if your frame (as a man) is right , it might work but you risk this: [/quote]
Well, yes, I’m looking for someone whose frame as a man IS right. I feel I’ve got my frame as a woman nicely put together and would like to find someone similarly well-framed.
I’m not looking to diminish anyone, and am not looking to be diminished.
Well, if your frame (as a man) is right , it might work but you risk this: [/quote]
Well, yes, I’m looking for someone whose frame as a man IS right. I feel I’ve got my frame as a woman nicely put together and would like to find someone similarly well-framed.
I’m not looking to diminish anyone, and am not looking to be diminished.
[/quote]
Well, if your frame is not right, it needs to be dimished, what is the point to shoulder you with a burden you cannot shoulder?
I think you and the missus should find someone like me to go talk to together. Someone who is optimistic/romantic as well as realistic/practical. And try to work your shit out so you won’t both be so unhappy. It seems really unnecessary to me.
I think you and the missus should find someone like me to go talk to together. Someone who is optimistic/romantic as well as realistic/practical. And try to work your shit out so you won’t both be so unhappy. It seems really unnecessary to me.
[/quote]
why do i feel like i just got bitch-slapped?[/quote]
Sorry, that was definitely not my intention. I just want it to be better for you both and think someone who is naive and optimistic could maybe help. Shit breaks down - so you fix it. Or try, anyway.
I think you and the missus should find someone like me to go talk to together. Someone who is optimistic/romantic as well as realistic/practical. And try to work your shit out so you won’t both be so unhappy. It seems really unnecessary to me.
[/quote]
why do i feel like i just got bitch-slapped?[/quote]
Sorry, that was definitely not my intention. I just want it to be better for you both and think someone who is naive and optimistic could maybe help. Shit breaks down - so you fix it. Or try, anyway. [/quote]
Arghhhhhhh, why do women always do that?!?!?!
Edgy is a smart lad. He realized you made a good point and is acknowledging it. Why are you apologizing?
