[quote]nephorm wrote:
nicolebadkat wrote:
My one and only issue with our marraige is his secret keeping.
Nicole,
Get the outfit like Vegita suggested, and tie him up. Look deep into his eyes without saying anything for 30 or 45 seconds. Then say “So, who is she?” If he doesn’t answer, or pretends not to know what you’re talking about, leave the room and don’t come back for a half hour or so. Repeat.[/quote]
He would never allow me to tie him up. He is not into that sort of thing.
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
He would never allow me to tie him up. He is not into that sort of thing.
[/quote]
What kind of a man is he???
I mean, uh, yeah, that’s normal…
Ok Ok now there is a little more light being shed on this. If he “would never let you tie him up” then he has some serious trust issues. And since you have some trust issues with him at the moment, then I think a sincere talk is in order. Just start off by saying something like, “so who’s the new girlfriend?” keep it in a light joking tone and you will be able to tell by his reaction if it is anything you need to worry about or not. If he gets defensive or continues to lie, there’s problems.
If he says it’s just a co-worker at work, or a friend at work followed by any decent reason to have a friend, then maybe just ask him why if he talks to her so much he never brought her up.
If you keep it from seeming like you are mad or anything, but just curious, you will get a much more honest read from him. Then, if he’s getting defensive or saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, drop it, wait a few hours, hit him over the head with something and then tie him down and ask more questions.
V
[quote]Vegita wrote:
Ok Ok now there is a little more light being shed on this. If he “would never let you tie him up” then he has some serious trust issues. And since you have some trust issues with him at the moment, then I think a sincere talk is in order. Just start off by saying something like, “so who’s the new girlfriend?” keep it in a light joking tone and you will be able to tell by his reaction if it is anything you need to worry about or not. If he gets defensive or continues to lie, there’s problems.
If he says it’s just a co-worker at work, or a friend at work followed by any decent reason to have a friend, then maybe just ask him why if he talks to her so much he never brought her up.
If you keep it from seeming like you are mad or anything, but just curious, you will get a much more honest read from him. Then, if he’s getting defensive or saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, drop it, wait a few hours, hit him over the head with something and then tie him down and ask more questions.
V[/quote]
So if he doesn’t let me tie him up, he doesn’t trust me??? I think that is a load of crap. I’ve never even asked him if I could tie him up. That is just not where our sexlife has gone. It is not something that I have been interested in doing. If he wanted it, he would have asked for it. He knows that if he wants to try something new, all he has to do is ask - and the same goes for me. We are very open when it comes to our sex life.
Nicole,
Hmm…I guess I’m just not seeing what the huge deal is about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way down playing what you’re going through and am NOT in favor of cheating in any way in a marriage…But if the only thing he’s doing wrong is text messages…I mean, how bad is that? You said he’s never cheated and wouldn’t…I know everyone thinks the ideal relationship has no secrets, but they’re kind of a part of life.
[quote]lostinthought wrote:
Nicole,
Hmm…I guess I’m just not seeing what the huge deal is about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way down playing what you’re going through and am NOT in favor of cheating in any way in a marriage…But if the only thing he’s doing wrong is text messages…I mean, how bad is that? You said he’s never cheated and wouldn’t…I know everyone thinks the ideal relationship has no secrets, but they’re kind of a part of life.[/quote]
The point is, the secrets are hurting my feelings. I honestly think secrets can ruin a marraige.
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
The point is, the secrets are hurting my feelings. I honestly think secrets can ruin a marraige.
[/quote]
Well, you’re keeping a secret right now by not talking to him about this. Just bring it up. Most guys would prefer to be confronted directly.
[quote]nephorm wrote:
nicolebadkat wrote:
The point is, the secrets are hurting my feelings. I honestly think secrets can ruin a marraige.
Well, you’re keeping a secret right now by not talking to him about this. Just bring it up. Most guys would prefer to be confronted directly.[/quote]
I have. He stated he would not keep it a secret that he was talking to her (or anyone else for that matter) and continues to. I have told him that I do not care that he has female friends. (I really do mean that)
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
The point is, the secrets are hurting my feelings. I honestly think secrets can ruin a marraige.
I have. He stated he would not keep it a secret that he was talking to her (or anyone else for that matter) and continues to. I have told him that I do not care that he has female friends. (I really do mean that)[/quote]
So just a question…do you have any secrets that you don’t tell him? Any at all?
So just a question…do you have any secrets that you don’t tell him? Any at all?
[/quote]
No, I do not. I think I’m just going to have to have another talk with him and if he continues it we will have to make an evaluation about our relationship and see if we should still be married.
Nicole,
Good luck with everything! Keep us posted! I know things like that aren’t easy and can be very stressfull at times.
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
Vegita wrote:
Ok Ok now there is a little more light being shed on this. If he “would never let you tie him up” then he has some serious trust issues. And since you have some trust issues with him at the moment, then I think a sincere talk is in order. Just start off by saying something like, “so who’s the new girlfriend?” keep it in a light joking tone and you will be able to tell by his reaction if it is anything you need to worry about or not. If he gets defensive or continues to lie, there’s problems.
If he says it’s just a co-worker at work, or a friend at work followed by any decent reason to have a friend, then maybe just ask him why if he talks to her so much he never brought her up.
If you keep it from seeming like you are mad or anything, but just curious, you will get a much more honest read from him. Then, if he’s getting defensive or saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, drop it, wait a few hours, hit him over the head with something and then tie him down and ask more questions.
V
So if he doesn’t let me tie him up, he doesn’t trust me??? I think that is a load of crap. I’ve never even asked him if I could tie him up. That is just not where our sexlife has gone. It is not something that I have been interested in doing. If he wanted it, he would have asked for it. He knows that if he wants to try something new, all he has to do is ask - and the same goes for me. We are very open when it comes to our sex life.
[/quote]
Ok, first of you do realize the whole dress up thing, tie up was semi joking, I mean you could do it, but it was more just a point to say spontenuity is good in a healthy relationship. Secondly, Please don’t act like you know everything about him, he may be your husband, but nobody can ever say with 100% certainty that “he would never cheat” etc… I’m not saying he would or will, I’m just saying, your atrtitude towards him is one of “I know him to the bone, and I know exactly how he does, should act” and now that he is doing something slightly outside of what your perception of him will allow he is “hurting you”. Thats is BS, it’s a bit selfish and quite immature. So he knows you know about his text messaging girl, and yet you think he is still hiding it? Should he announce every time he has just messaged her, or every time she messages him? Do you ask him every single time he gets a message “who is it?”
Also, one of my pet peeves and the pet peeves of many on this board, is when someone asks for advice or help, and then shoots down every single idea that gets thrown at them. You don’t have to love every idea, but it’s clear you already know everything and are just looking for attention. Now see what happens when you call my ideas a load of crap… 
I hope you take this for what it is, I see problems, but they aren’t necissarily with what your husband is doing. There may be root causes. Please take this as constructive as possible.
V
In my psych class we talked for a few weeks about sleep and dreams. The sleep cycle occurs in stages, with “delta” and “REM” sleep being the deepest sleep cycles. Apparently, as we get older, people go from sleeping about 12 hours a day as a small child to sleeping about 6 hours a day as an elderly adult. Another interesting tidbit was that the sleep cycles speed up as we get older. So say that when you are 20 years old you have a 45 minute sleep cycle, when you are 65, that cycle may be reduced down to 30 minutes or less, which means you are actually getting less Delta and REM (quality?) sleep (shorter cycles mean shorter Delta and REM (D&R) periods within each cycle) although you are getting to experience the D&R sleep in shorter, more frequent intervals, one might think they get more D&R sleep as they get older, but in actuality, they are getting less because of the shorter time they are sleeping.
This lead me to wonder if there is a correlation between aging and naturally getting less and less quality sleep. If a child gets the most quality D&R sleep, while their body is growing like a weed, it would make sense to think that D&R sleep helps promote health and vitality. But the opposite side to this thought I had was that perhaps getting D&R sleep might cause the body to have a higher cellular turnover rate. Since cells can only clone and multiply themselves so many times before no longer being able to, perhaps the smaller amounts of D&R sleep that occur naturally in people is nature’s own combatint towards helping our longevity.
Regardless… back to the topic at hand, and that was that university research on dreams shows that people have these crazy synaptic firings going on allover their body, especially during D&R sleep, and that the brain appears to take the information from these nerve firings and tries to make sense of all of it. ie. the brain is trying to interpret the (random?) nerve firings throughout the body, which is (weirdly enough) usually paralyzed during REM sleep. Apparently if you ever wake up during rem sleep, it can take a little while for your body to ‘get started’ and you’ll lay their unable to move for a very brief period. On another more odd tangent to this, many researchers have started to notice a trend amongst people who wake up during REM sleep, they often times cite having been abducted from their bed by aliens. I know this sounds really friggin bizarre, but there’s something goin on still in the brain which is apparently repeatable and researchers have concluded that most alien abductions are actually people waking up in the paralysis of REM sleep.
I know I went off on some pretty strange tangents there, but it all sort’ve fits the talk about sleeping. As for interpretting dreams, who knows?
Dream Lucid.
[quote]Vegita wrote:
nicolebadkat wrote:
Vegita wrote:
Ok Ok now there is a little more light being shed on this. If he “would never let you tie him up” then he has some serious trust issues. And since you have some trust issues with him at the moment, then I think a sincere talk is in order. Just start off by saying something like, “so who’s the new girlfriend?” keep it in a light joking tone and you will be able to tell by his reaction if it is anything you need to worry about or not. If he gets defensive or continues to lie, there’s problems.
If he says it’s just a co-worker at work, or a friend at work followed by any decent reason to have a friend, then maybe just ask him why if he talks to her so much he never brought her up.
If you keep it from seeming like you are mad or anything, but just curious, you will get a much more honest read from him. Then, if he’s getting defensive or saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, drop it, wait a few hours, hit him over the head with something and then tie him down and ask more questions.
V
So if he doesn’t let me tie him up, he doesn’t trust me??? I think that is a load of crap. I’ve never even asked him if I could tie him up. That is just not where our sexlife has gone. It is not something that I have been interested in doing. If he wanted it, he would have asked for it. He knows that if he wants to try something new, all he has to do is ask - and the same goes for me. We are very open when it comes to our sex life.
Ok, first of you do realize the whole dress up thing, tie up was semi joking, I mean you could do it, but it was more just a point to say spontenuity is good in a healthy relationship. Secondly, Please don’t act like you know everything about him, he may be your husband, but nobody can ever say with 100% certainty that “he would never cheat” etc… I’m not saying he would or will, I’m just saying, your atrtitude towards him is one of “I know him to the bone, and I know exactly how he does, should act” and now that he is doing something slightly outside of what your perception of him will allow he is “hurting you”. Thats is BS, it’s a bit selfish and quite immature. So he knows you know about his text messaging girl, and yet you think he is still hiding it? Should he announce every time he has just messaged her, or every time she messages him? Do you ask him every single time he gets a message “who is it?”
Also, one of my pet peeves and the pet peeves of many on this board, is when someone asks for advice or help, and then shoots down every single idea that gets thrown at them. You don’t have to love every idea, but it’s clear you already know everything and are just looking for attention. Now see what happens when you call my ideas a load of crap…
I hope you take this for what it is, I see problems, but they aren’t necissarily with what your husband is doing. There may be root causes. Please take this as constructive as possible.
V[/quote]
I think you may be right in a few areas. I’m sorry if you can’t take any criticism on your ideas though. I think my biggest mistake was asking a bunch of guys how to tell if my husband is really hiding something.
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
I think you may be right in a few areas. I’m sorry if you can’t take any criticism on your ideas though. I think my biggest mistake was asking a bunch of guys how to tell if my husband is really hiding something.[/quote]
No, no, thats ok, I really don’t care what other people think of my ideas. And had you not asked for ideas, and I were just talking to you and freely gave them, I would accept all criticism, and not mention it. We just get a lot of that here where people say… hows my diet. Then people start giving some ideas about the diet and the person comes back with… you don’t know how my body works so you don’t know what your talking about, I know what i’m doing… And thus we get frustrated and stop wishing to help people who ask for it.
I by no means know every detail of your situation or your life or your relationship, but based on the info provided, I tried to think of a few things that I know about via past relationships, or friends relationships, or pshyc classes etc…
I seriously hope this turns out well for you, and as a parting thought, one thing i have learned through my relationships is that you can only control your self. When you attempt to control the actions or thoughts of another human being, they will eventually resent you for trying to take away thier free will. Good luck,
V
[quote]Vegita wrote:
nicolebadkat wrote:
I think you may be right in a few areas. I’m sorry if you can’t take any criticism on your ideas though. I think my biggest mistake was asking a bunch of guys how to tell if my husband is really hiding something.
No, no, thats ok, I really don’t care what other people think of my ideas. And had you not asked for ideas, and I were just talking to you and freely gave them, I would accept all criticism, and not mention it. We just get a lot of that here where people say… hows my diet. Then people start giving some ideas about the diet and the person comes back with… you don’t know how my body works so you don’t know what your talking about, I know what i’m doing… And thus we get frustrated and stop wishing to help people who ask for it.
I by no means know every detail of your situation or your life or your relationship, but based on the info provided, I tried to think of a few things that I know about via past relationships, or friends relationships, or pshyc classes etc…
I seriously hope this turns out well for you, and as a parting thought, one thing i have learned through my relationships is that you can only control your self. When you attempt to control the actions or thoughts of another human being, they will eventually resent you for trying to take away thier free will. Good luck,
V[/quote]
You are definitely right about not being able to control anyone. It would drive me crazy trying to make sure he is not doing anything wrong.
Nicole,
I bet you are a real pain in the ass. Your husband probably keeps secrets so he doesn’t have to listen to your bitching.
"Honey, I don’t care if you have female friends. You can tell me. "
“OK, I’m friends with so and so from such and such.”
“What! Why? Am I not enough for you? What does she have that I don’t? ARE YOU FUCKING HER?! OUR SEX LIFE IS PERFECT!”
“Oh Christ…”
If you wanna hook up to get back at him, I’m game. But bring a gag.
[quote]apayne wrote:
Nicole,
I bet you are a real pain in the ass. Your husband probably keeps secrets so he doesn’t have to listen to your bitching.
"Honey, I don’t care if you have female friends. You can tell me. "
“OK, I’m friends with so and so from such and such.”
“What! Why? Am I not enough for you? What does she have that I don’t? ARE YOU FUCKING HER?! OUR SEX LIFE IS PERFECT!”
“Oh Christ…”
If you wanna hook up to get back at him, I’m game. But bring a gag.[/quote]
Even if I wanted to get back at him, I wouldn’t give you the time of day. And actually, I am a great wife. I take care of him and our child. I work my ass off 40+ hours a week. I do all the cooking and cleaning. My husband has his hobbies and I do not infere with them. He has his friends and hangs out with them weekly and I do not interfere with that either.
I have one issue and you are going to tell me that I am a pain in the ass? Screw you.
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
Even if I wanted to get back at him, I wouldn’t give you the time of day. And actually, I am a great wife. I take care of him and our child. I work my ass off 40+ hours a week. I do all the cooking and cleaning. My husband has his hobbies and I do not infere with them. He has his friends and hangs out with them weekly and I do not interfere with that either.
I have one issue and you are going to tell me that I am a pain in the ass? Screw you.
[/quote]
So I have another question…since the marriage does not sound equal, do you think some of your suspicions come from an insecurity in the marriage? What I’m saying is, it sounds like maybe you need to claim more for yourself…Have him help with the house and kids, and make time for yourself with your hobbies and friends…? Just a thought.
Nicole, is your real name Britney Spears and is your husband Kevin Federline?
Listen, nothing personal, well actually I guess it is, but what I mean is I’m not trying to be hurtful. I stand by my opinion in my last post but am curious as to what your husband does if you work full time and do all the housework(at least in your opinion). Unless he works 60+ hours a week he should probably be helping out.