I resurected this old story about the life of Raggot the gerbil. If you haven’t read it, it’s definately worth the read. I get conflicting reports on the net of it’s legitimacy, but it’s funny anyway…
This is an actual article from the LA Times…
“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomazewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomazewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.”, he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomazewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomazewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Editor's Notes : Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story
“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum …”
“So I peered in to the tube …”.(I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).
That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy’s ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey in Kiki’s “tunnel of love.”
People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying “Well Doc, it’s like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube …”
“First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief ? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth.
People names “Kiki” which is obviously a Polynesian word for “Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up his butt.”
What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Feltching is when you stick a small animal up your ass for pleasure…who the fuck thought of that?
Second, as much as I would like to, I did not add the comments at the end, that was provided by the guy who originally distrubuted the story. So I cannot claim credit for it; I just did copy → paste.
seriously, WTF. I don’t know what is more frightening, the fact that this actually happens or the fact that it happens so often that there is actually a term for it. Seriously, who the fuck did this the first time and was like “yo, you gotta try this, its freakin awsome.” And also, who was that other guy that actually believed him. If any of my friends came up to me and told me that they did this I would not continue to associate with this person…ever. OMG, i can’t believe this, I just can’t believe it. What is wrong with these people? I don’t know what to say here. I can’t imagine like, being in an apartment next to these guys reading the newspaper or something with absolutely no knowledege of what type of sickness is transpiring 10 feet away through a wall. Also, why didn’t they use a vaccuum cleaner hose or something to get the gerbil out? OK…just imagine a mere 5 seconds of the ‘activities’. This guy has gigantic flames exploding out a tube in his ass into the other guys face no less, while at the same time a fucking gerbil FLIES out fast enough to actually break his nose. If I was their doctor and I was told this by them I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d probably pretend like I get this ‘all the time’ and it’s ‘nothing new.’ Oh man, seriously…WTF
The guy interviewed is like “But I was just trying to retrieve the gerbil.” He acts as if this is a ‘standard’ problem that they have encountered numerous times before…as if their lighter solution has worked like a charm in previous encounters. And why…the FUCK does the guy shout ‘Armageddon’ to let him know it is enough? Is this sick code really necessary? What made them choose the term ‘Armageddon’…why not lolli-pop? Why couldn’t he just say “Could you please get the gerbil out of my asshole?” Also, terms like “again” and “as usual” in this story are very disturbing.
I don’t believe that this actually happened. Why would a hospital hold a press conference for this sort of thing? It doesn’t make sense. This seems like a knock-off of faked reports that claimed Richard Gere had suffered a similar injury. This is one for the “urban legends” category.