Hilarious True Stories!

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141

Okay this one time I got invited to go camping by my girlfriends brother, I was trying to impress all these fucking macho guys with my hunting skills and I couldn’t hit shit, I mean I would have missed the sky if I was aiming at it…the next thing I know this one fucker is pointing a pistol at me and everyone gets real quiet, …Then BANG he shoots me, really fucking shoots me…I shit my pants, literally?..everyone laughed, the gun was loaded with blanks and so had my hunting rifle?..fucking cocknobbers…I would have beat his ass into the fucking ground but I didn’t know when they would pull the next fucking trick so I just fucking hung my head…

Well word gets out and the next thing I know I lose my job, so I have to take this gig working as a security guard at the Country Club, one night these Fraternity pricks steal my golf cart, since I’d been depressed I had gotten fat as hell and I couldn’t catch them,ran out of air and had to watch them drive it into the pool…fail again…

THEN my girlfriend tells me she is starting to train with this guy at the park in the mornings ( I’m thinking nothing can happen in the park during the day right?)…I go on the interweb and see her picture being bent over a table and a story about her banging this guy ?one of the guys I went hunting with…

So now that I know who he is, I’m fired up and I found this one chick he had been bangin and she was kinda freaky so I had her call him and see if he would like a threesome with her and a DOG??freaked him out, also I think he was afraid about some STD’s and may have ran to the MD’s office??.I’m cookin some more shit for him???I found this Asian couple, the wife looks hot, only thing is, she is a post-operative man with full out sex change…they like to swing, I’m trying to get them together…stay tuned.

You have to ADMIT HG, …that sounds like a Curb your Enthusiasm episode!!! And it’s funny, and it’s kinda true!

Hahahahahahahaha

142

[quote]CAP1015 wrote:
Okay this one time I got invited to go camping by my girlfriends brother, I was trying to impress all these fucking macho guys with my hunting skills and I couldn’t hit shit, I mean I would have missed the sky if I was aiming at it…the next thing I know this one fucker is pointing a pistol at me and everyone gets real quiet, …Then BANG he shoots me, really fucking shoots me…I shit my pants, literally?..everyone laughed, the gun was loaded with blanks and so had my hunting rifle?..fucking cocknobbers…I would have beat his ass into the fucking ground but I didn’t know when they would pull the next fucking trick so I just fucking hung my head…

Well word gets out and the next thing I know I lose my job, so I have to take this gig working as a security guard at the Country Club, one night these Fraternity pricks steal my golf cart, since I’d been depressed I had gotten fat as hell and I couldn’t catch them,ran out of air and had to watch them drive it into the pool…fail again…

THEN my girlfriend tells me she is starting to train with this guy at the park in the mornings ( I’m thinking nothing can happen in the park during the day right?)…I go on the interweb and see her picture being bent over a table and a story about her banging this guy ?one of the guys I went hunting with…

So now that I know who he is, I’m fired up and I found this one chick he had been bangin and she was kinda freaky so I had her call him and see if he would like a threesome with her and a DOG??freaked him out, also I think he was afraid about some STD’s and may have ran to the MD’s office??.I’m cookin some more shit for him???I found this Asian couple, the wife looks hot, only thing is, she is a post-operative man with full out sex change…they like to swing, I’m trying to get them together…stay tuned.

You have to ADMIT HG, …that sounds like a Curb your Enthusiasm episode!!! And it’s funny, and it’s kinda true!

Hahahahahahahaha
[/quote]Curb Your Porno I agree except nothing is going wrong in the real protagonists life…

But the asian was NOT a dude.

And you have to work occassional cocaine in there somewhere.

143

Years ago when I was working in a factory I went into the maintenance shop to have a smoke. One of the other maintenance guys was there and he had this old really powerful hand grinder or something like that that was vibrating like crazy when he powered it on.

So when I sit down he turns it on saying to me “mmmm c’mere deb how dya like that vibration eh baby yeah…” and he turns it rub my leg with it. But the front end gets a hold of the crotch of his coveralls and it grabs a big chunk of fabric and the thing makes a horrible wheezing noise as it seizes up. Meanwhile we all think my friends junk was caught and we realize it ripped the crotch right out of his coveralls leaving a massive whole showing his underwear. Then hilarity ensued :smiley:

144

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
Plus, as TexasGuy, Vicomte and allegedly the guy with the fat clown for an avi used to follow me around and flame too, it’s mutually entertaining I believe.[/quote]

Incorrect. I don’t believe I wrote a single thing to you as texasguy because I was always too busy watching you egg on rainjack (who could be a colossal douche at times). Plus, at the end of the day, I really didn’t care enough to comment.

Out of your 1500 posts here, I have quoted – what? – three or four, all in the same exchange?

This is hardly ‘hating’, and you haven’t ‘bullied’ me into feeling bad about anything just yet (remember when you thought I actually was the fat clown in my avi? Nope. One of us DOES exercise). I ain’t perfect, but I don’t get bent out of shape over things on this website. So unfortunately I won’t be PMing you my number and asking you to meet me halfway across the country for fisticuffs.

You got one thing right, though… this is all for entertainment.[/quote]

No wonder I don’t remember you. I was truly dissapointed RainJack was not here. You guys just don’t do it right.

I actually thought you were the fat kid with superimposed abs, not the clown.

Haters hate for jelly reasons, this has been a truth since the dawn of time so…

I don’t fly anywhere for fisticuffs but if you change your mind and insist, I’d be happy to host you here. Just for fun though. You can be mad but I like shit like that.

Yes, I have been hitting the gym pretty hard again, thank you.

145

[quote]debraD wrote:
Years ago when I was working in a factory I went into the maintenance shop to have a smoke. One of the other maintenance guys was there and he had this old really powerful hand grinder or something like that that was vibrating like crazy when he powered it on.

So when I sit down he turns it on saying to me “mmmm c’mere deb how dya like that vibration eh baby yeah…” and he turns it rub my leg with it. But the front end gets a hold of the crotch of his coveralls and it grabs a big chunk of fabric and the thing makes a horrible wheezing noise as it seizes up. Meanwhile we all think my friends junk was caught and we realize it ripped the crotch right out of his coveralls leaving a massive whole showing his underwear. Then hilarity ensued :smiley:
[/quote]hahahaha!!! I loved working blue collar stuff. Those guys are fun, I wish it paid more.

146

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
I have no qualms answering questions
[/quote]

HG - can you please explain to me how you have so much time to answer all these challenges, and why do you spend so much time defending yourself?

I get that you are hugely successful, great looking, above average cocksmith, 28 YO and have life by the short hairs, but why do you spend so much time talking about it?

I think you are probably a decent guy, and forgive me if I am reaching, but in most of your threads, you come off as a loudmouth bore, and that reeks of underconfidence…especially in a bodybuilding website.

just surprising is all - [/quote]

Sure:

I sit in an office to make a “presence” and that is pretty much it. A few times a week I crunch numbers, hold meetings et cetera. Other than that I spend most of my day being “available” and “present”. FWIW I put on a little office set, read books, play games online… i like posting though, it’s more interactive.

Because if someone wants to point fingers I’ll answer, mostly out of boredom. I have no idea who has or has not read my previous posts. Plus, as TexasGuy, Vicomte and allegedly the guy with the fat clown for an avi used to follow me around and flame too, it’s mutually entertaining I believe. Testy too. Plus I like making haters feel bad about themselves, call it bullying if you want. I posted a thread in hopes of funnies, from OTHER people and then it blew it up.

I am extremely bored. I am also out of shape currently which I’ve commented on, in the threads and my hub. I can assure you my life is impossible to live with a low level of self confidence. Take that for what you will.
[/quote]

This was all good fun until you said I would ‘follow you around’.

Let us clear this up. You are a fucking moron.

I do not wish for your presence, yet you are here.

As such, I feel the need to inform you of your fucking moroness.

I do not seek it out, yet you seem to be everywhere.

It’s like trying to avoid a douchebag: everywhere you go, there’s always that one guy.

You are that guy.[/quote]
Hello again little puppy in my thread that I started… Fancy seeing me here!!!

147

True Story: Free Flexor

148

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
Plus, as TexasGuy, Vicomte and allegedly the guy with the fat clown for an avi used to follow me around and flame too, it’s mutually entertaining I believe.[/quote]

Incorrect. I don’t believe I wrote a single thing to you as texasguy because I was always too busy watching you egg on rainjack (who could be a colossal douche at times). Plus, at the end of the day, I really didn’t care enough to comment.

Out of your 1500 posts here, I have quoted – what? – three or four, all in the same exchange?

This is hardly ‘hating’, and you haven’t ‘bullied’ me into feeling bad about anything just yet (remember when you thought I actually was the fat clown in my avi? Nope. One of us DOES exercise). I ain’t perfect, but I don’t get bent out of shape over things on this website. So unfortunately I won’t be PMing you my number and asking you to meet me halfway across the country for fisticuffs.

You got one thing right, though… this is all for entertainment.[/quote]

No wonder I don’t remember you. I was truly dissapointed RainJack was not here. You guys just don’t do it right.

I actually thought you were the fat kid with superimposed abs, not the clown.

Haters hate for jelly reasons, this has been a truth since the dawn of time so…

I don’t fly anywhere for fisticuffs but if you change your mind and insist, I’d be happy to host you here. Just for fun though. You can be mad but I like shit like that.

Yes, I have been hitting the gym pretty hard again, thank you.[/quote]

The primary reason I want rainjack to swing by is to see what he ended up doing with his T-Nation tat…

149

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
Plus, as TexasGuy, Vicomte and allegedly the guy with the fat clown for an avi used to follow me around and flame too, it’s mutually entertaining I believe.[/quote]

Incorrect. I don’t believe I wrote a single thing to you as texasguy because I was always too busy watching you egg on rainjack (who could be a colossal douche at times). Plus, at the end of the day, I really didn’t care enough to comment.

Out of your 1500 posts here, I have quoted – what? – three or four, all in the same exchange?

This is hardly ‘hating’, and you haven’t ‘bullied’ me into feeling bad about anything just yet (remember when you thought I actually was the fat clown in my avi? Nope. One of us DOES exercise). I ain’t perfect, but I don’t get bent out of shape over things on this website. So unfortunately I won’t be PMing you my number and asking you to meet me halfway across the country for fisticuffs.

You got one thing right, though… this is all for entertainment.[/quote]

No wonder I don’t remember you. I was truly dissapointed RainJack was not here. You guys just don’t do it right.

I actually thought you were the fat kid with superimposed abs, not the clown.

Haters hate for jelly reasons, this has been a truth since the dawn of time so…

I don’t fly anywhere for fisticuffs but if you change your mind and insist, I’d be happy to host you here. Just for fun though. You can be mad but I like shit like that.

Yes, I have been hitting the gym pretty hard again, thank you.[/quote]

The primary reason I want rainjack to swing by is to see what he ended up doing with his T-Nation tat…[/quote]No way…

150

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]anonym wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
Plus, as TexasGuy, Vicomte and allegedly the guy with the fat clown for an avi used to follow me around and flame too, it’s mutually entertaining I believe.[/quote]

Incorrect. I don’t believe I wrote a single thing to you as texasguy because I was always too busy watching you egg on rainjack (who could be a colossal douche at times). Plus, at the end of the day, I really didn’t care enough to comment.

Out of your 1500 posts here, I have quoted – what? – three or four, all in the same exchange?

This is hardly ‘hating’, and you haven’t ‘bullied’ me into feeling bad about anything just yet (remember when you thought I actually was the fat clown in my avi? Nope. One of us DOES exercise). I ain’t perfect, but I don’t get bent out of shape over things on this website. So unfortunately I won’t be PMing you my number and asking you to meet me halfway across the country for fisticuffs.

You got one thing right, though… this is all for entertainment.[/quote]

No wonder I don’t remember you. I was truly dissapointed RainJack was not here. You guys just don’t do it right.

I actually thought you were the fat kid with superimposed abs, not the clown.

Haters hate for jelly reasons, this has been a truth since the dawn of time so…

I don’t fly anywhere for fisticuffs but if you change your mind and insist, I’d be happy to host you here. Just for fun though. You can be mad but I like shit like that.

Yes, I have been hitting the gym pretty hard again, thank you.[/quote]

The primary reason I want rainjack to swing by is to see what he ended up doing with his T-Nation tat…[/quote]No way…
[/quote]

Yes way…

http://tnation.T-Nation.com/free_online_forum/pictures_pics_photo_body_image_performance/new_tnation_tattoo

151

Oh poodle nuts. I really hope he got free supps for life.

152

[quote]debraD wrote:
I’m closer to architect but more of a designer/developer. Architects generally don’t do any development. About a third of my time is spent designing, maybe a third actually writing code and the rest is integration and support. My software isn’t used by the general public so there isn’t really a help desk tier (there sort of is but it’s kind of weird compared to other places)[/quote]

DebraD’s post (and avatar) is the best thing about this thread.

Please, no one else post except for DD.

DebraD, can you make a post about “Software as a Service”?

153

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]Fuzzyapple.Train wrote:
One time in grade 5 I waited for the bus to arrive. I told my brother “Watch this!” went up to a puddle and tried to make it ripple with a huge fart I felt coming. Well, it wasn’t a fart nor did the puddle move. Rode all the way to school with shitty underwear and had to call my mom to get me new ones.

True story.[/quote]

This shit happened to me once in our summer home. My brother was watching TV. I felt this thunderous fart coming. I very quietly approached my brother like a stealth Navy Seal. I blew a fart right in his face…but without warning I fucking shitted my pants. I was wearing swim trunks with no underwear so the shit got all over the floor. I fucking ran as fast as I could leaving a trail of shit.

My brother called out to my mom to come see what I had done. He was laughing and I was fucking embarrassed!!

The first words out of my mom were “WHY DID YOU SHIT ON MY FLOOR”?

[/quote]hahaha
[/quote]

HG I knew you would approve of this story.

By the way I know what your talking about.

I too am a fellow entrepreneur…and I am the happiest motherfucker I know!
[/quote]
Nice, what do you do?[/quote]

Let’s just say I get peoples businesses found on the interwebz!

154

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]Fuzzyapple.Train wrote:
One time in grade 5 I waited for the bus to arrive. I told my brother “Watch this!” went up to a puddle and tried to make it ripple with a huge fart I felt coming. Well, it wasn’t a fart nor did the puddle move. Rode all the way to school with shitty underwear and had to call my mom to get me new ones.

True story.[/quote]

This shit happened to me once in our summer home. My brother was watching TV. I felt this thunderous fart coming. I very quietly approached my brother like a stealth Navy Seal. I blew a fart right in his face…but without warning I fucking shitted my pants. I was wearing swim trunks with no underwear so the shit got all over the floor. I fucking ran as fast as I could leaving a trail of shit.

My brother called out to my mom to come see what I had done. He was laughing and I was fucking embarrassed!!

The first words out of my mom were “WHY DID YOU SHIT ON MY FLOOR”?

[/quote]hahaha
[/quote]

HG I knew you would approve of this story.

By the way I know what your talking about.

I too am a fellow entrepreneur…and I am the happiest motherfucker I know!
[/quote]
Nice, what do you do?[/quote]

Let’s just say I get peoples businesses found on the interwebz!
[/quote]Like google optimization kind of?

155

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]xxrob5xx wrote:

[quote]Fuzzyapple.Train wrote:
One time in grade 5 I waited for the bus to arrive. I told my brother “Watch this!” went up to a puddle and tried to make it ripple with a huge fart I felt coming. Well, it wasn’t a fart nor did the puddle move. Rode all the way to school with shitty underwear and had to call my mom to get me new ones.

True story.[/quote]

This shit happened to me once in our summer home. My brother was watching TV. I felt this thunderous fart coming. I very quietly approached my brother like a stealth Navy Seal. I blew a fart right in his face…but without warning I fucking shitted my pants. I was wearing swim trunks with no underwear so the shit got all over the floor. I fucking ran as fast as I could leaving a trail of shit.

My brother called out to my mom to come see what I had done. He was laughing and I was fucking embarrassed!!

The first words out of my mom were “WHY DID YOU SHIT ON MY FLOOR”?

[/quote]hahaha
[/quote]

HG I knew you would approve of this story.

By the way I know what your talking about.

I too am a fellow entrepreneur…and I am the happiest motherfucker I know!
[/quote]
Nice, what do you do?[/quote]

Let’s just say I get peoples businesses found on the interwebz!
[/quote]Like google optimization kind of?
[/quote]

Yes, a little website development, and a little social media as well.

We do it all!

156

[quote]SteelyD wrote:

[quote]debraD wrote:
I’m closer to architect but more of a designer/developer. Architects generally don’t do any development. About a third of my time is spent designing, maybe a third actually writing code and the rest is integration and support. My software isn’t used by the general public so there isn’t really a help desk tier (there sort of is but it’s kind of weird compared to other places)[/quote]

DebraD’s post (and avatar) is the best thing about this thread.

Please, no one else post except for DD.

DebraD, can you make a post about “Software as a Service”?[/quote]

lol

:smiley:

All I say is I hate TIBCO.