Hilarious True Stories!

[quote]Edgy wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
this one time I went to Maui and got up before the sun rose, and got to see some cool sunrise through the palm trees while I sipped my coffee.

it was cool.[/quote]

and then we went to breakfast downstairs and got to meet a few people, then headed to teh beach, and picked up some seashells and then we walked around a little bit, and then we smoked some maui wowee, got totally fucked up and held up a liquer store and the owner was soo pissed that he started swinging a bat at us, and then we got in our prius and then started driving to the bar, then got really drunk and then met some fat hookers and then started having a 4 way, and then while I had my tongue stuck in one of the hookers assholes, she tightened up and squeezed my tongue real hard and then it was funny, and I started laughing, but it was funny cause my tongue was still stuck in her ass, then she farted and it stunk and then it was funny and we rolled off the bed and then I broke my arm, and then while they were driving me to the hospital, two of them gave me head and I came in thier hair, and it was funny cause they used it for hair gel like in that movie, and then while we were in the emergency room there was an earthquake, and then they had multiple casualties so I had to set my arm myself but it was okay cause I was drunk and so it didn’t hurt too much so while we were driving back to the hotel, there was a hurricane, and then the car was tossed around and it was funny cause our buzz was coming off and then my arm started hurting and then once the hurricane was over then we went back to the hotel and started drinking again.
[/quote]
It has to be true though.

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
this one time I went to Maui and got up before the sun rose, and got to see some cool sunrise through the palm trees while I sipped my coffee.

it was cool.[/quote]

and then we went to breakfast downstairs and got to meet a few people, then headed to teh beach, and picked up some seashells and then we walked around a little bit, and then we smoked some maui wowee, got totally fucked up and held up a liquer store and the owner was soo pissed that he started swinging a bat at us, and then we got in our prius and then started driving to the bar, then got really drunk and then met some fat hookers and then started having a 4 way, and then while I had my tongue stuck in one of the hookers assholes, she tightened up and squeezed my tongue real hard and then it was funny, and I started laughing, but it was funny cause my tongue was still stuck in her ass, then she farted and it stunk and then it was funny and we rolled off the bed and then I broke my arm, and then while they were driving me to the hospital, two of them gave me head and I came in thier hair, and it was funny cause they used it for hair gel like in that movie, and then while we were in the emergency room there was an earthquake, and then they had multiple casualties so I had to set my arm myself but it was okay cause I was drunk and so it didn’t hurt too much so while we were driving back to the hotel, there was a hurricane, and then the car was tossed around and it was funny cause our buzz was coming off and then my arm started hurting and then once the hurricane was over then we went back to the hotel and started drinking again.
[/quote]
It has to be true though.[/quote]

shit -

didn’t read that part.

(this is a tough crowd)

One time in grade 5 I waited for the bus to arrive. I told my brother “Watch this!” went up to a puddle and tried to make it ripple with a huge fart I felt coming. Well, it wasn’t a fart nor did the puddle move. Rode all the way to school with shitty underwear and had to call my mom to get me new ones.

True story.

[quote]Fuzzyapple.Train wrote:
One time in grade 5 I waited for the bus to arrive. I told my brother “Watch this!” went up to a puddle and tried to make it ripple with a huge fart I felt coming. Well, it wasn’t a fart nor did the puddle move. Rode all the way to school with shitty underwear and had to call my mom to get me new ones.

True story.[/quote]
Hilarious!!!

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Ulty wrote:
This reminds me of another story that HoustonGuy will find hilarious:

A couple years ago in Lincoln, there was a young newlywed couple, madly in love. The man liked to shoot guns and got his new wife involved. They shot at targets, took gun safety courses, and generally had a ball together. They had a blog which discussed their shooting/hunting adventures. The blog included pictures of the couple and their friends jokingly pointing guns at each other and the camera. They were so aware of safety and preparedness that they even practiced “clearing” their apartment in case of intruders, using unloaded guns during this role playing.

Can you guess how this story ends?

Hilarious, eh HG?[/quote]

Totally unrelated story and outcome. A strawman I believe?

Somebody died in a car wreck today. Will you be driving home?

It was fucking hilarious, totally safe and zero injuries. I appreciate your criticism but it’s falling on deaf ears.
[/quote]

Personally, I fully support and encourage HG to continue getting drunk and playing with guns.[/quote]

Aww, thanks! For the record I didn’t do the pistol thing and it wasn’t planned. The blanks in his hunting rifle yes. No one really knew what was going to happen when the dude pulled the pistol but most of knew about the blanks and assumed. It was a tense moment until the trigger pulled and we realized the guy wasn’t bleeding. Then it was fucking hilarious. Especially when we realized the poor soul had shit himself.

Ok, another time we set up a propane tank and the guy down field started dancing like a drunk monkey when we started shooting. We were way, way, way over his head and off to the side and he undoubtedly realized this but he was ghost face white. He was really pissed at first but it was funny later.

As a side note, this guy is missing his left thumb because he caught a rattlesnake and made it a pet as a student at UT. He was feeding a mouse one day when it bit his thumb. He also got arrested for a knife fight once but we were “rich kids” and his dads oil money plus a lawyer for an uncle got him off of charges.

He’s now a senior petroleum engineer running crews all over the world for a huge oil company. Not BP.

Just so you know Vicomte, I will probably die young. I’ve had some close calls and love a good adrenaline rush that only risky activities sans polite society safety restraints can bring.

You guys are still fucking pussies though.
[/quote]

I fully support and encourage you dying young.

I was walking home from school one day, listening to music, minding my own business, when suddenly a guy pulls off the road quickly and into the driveway in front of me. He had a pretty nice car, was black and wearing some very dark, fashionable sunglasses. I saw him look over at me and then over his shoulder several times. He seemed agitated. After he looked in my direction again, I walked up to his window, leaned in slightly, and asked, ‘Is something up?’

His face went cold, and he stared at me for a few seconds.

‘I’m just turning around, man.’

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Ulty wrote:
This reminds me of another story that HoustonGuy will find hilarious:

A couple years ago in Lincoln, there was a young newlywed couple, madly in love. The man liked to shoot guns and got his new wife involved. They shot at targets, took gun safety courses, and generally had a ball together. They had a blog which discussed their shooting/hunting adventures. The blog included pictures of the couple and their friends jokingly pointing guns at each other and the camera. They were so aware of safety and preparedness that they even practiced “clearing” their apartment in case of intruders, using unloaded guns during this role playing.

Can you guess how this story ends?

Hilarious, eh HG?[/quote]

Totally unrelated story and outcome. A strawman I believe?

Somebody died in a car wreck today. Will you be driving home?

It was fucking hilarious, totally safe and zero injuries. I appreciate your criticism but it’s falling on deaf ears.
[/quote]

Personally, I fully support and encourage HG to continue getting drunk and playing with guns.[/quote]

Aww, thanks! For the record I didn’t do the pistol thing and it wasn’t planned. The blanks in his hunting rifle yes. No one really knew what was going to happen when the dude pulled the pistol but most of knew about the blanks and assumed. It was a tense moment until the trigger pulled and we realized the guy wasn’t bleeding. Then it was fucking hilarious. Especially when we realized the poor soul had shit himself.

Ok, another time we set up a propane tank and the guy down field started dancing like a drunk monkey when we started shooting. We were way, way, way over his head and off to the side and he undoubtedly realized this but he was ghost face white. He was really pissed at first but it was funny later.

As a side note, this guy is missing his left thumb because he caught a rattlesnake and made it a pet as a student at UT. He was feeding a mouse one day when it bit his thumb. He also got arrested for a knife fight once but we were “rich kids” and his dads oil money plus a lawyer for an uncle got him off of charges.

He’s now a senior petroleum engineer running crews all over the world for a huge oil company. Not BP.

Just so you know Vicomte, I will probably die young. I’ve had some close calls and love a good adrenaline rush that only risky activities sans polite society safety restraints can bring.

You guys are still fucking pussies though.
[/quote]

I fully support and encourage you dying young.

I was walking home from school one day, listening to music, minding my own business, when suddenly a guy pulls off the road quickly and into the driveway in front of me. He had a pretty nice car, was black and wearing some very dark, fashionable sunglasses. I saw him look over at me and then over his shoulder several times. He seemed agitated. After he looked in my direction again, I walked up to his window, leaned in slightly, and asked, ‘Is something up?’

His face went cold, and he stared at me for a few seconds.

‘I’m just turning around, man.’
[/quote]
One more time, you will probably get your wish. Either an STD, a bar fight gone wrong or some crazy accident on a skydiving or hang gliding trip who knows. Possibly a stray bullet. I’ll live five times more than most in my short few years though. Plus we never really discuss positive contributions to society on this board because that is just bragging but I’ve been a good dude too fwiw. But mostly fuck it.

In high school I had a potato gun and my parents house backed right up to the HS practice fields. Beyond the baseball field was the school, suburban and growing with trailers for classrooms to house the over populated student body while a new school was under construction.

It was senior year, finals week I was exempt from all my finals. I made stellar grades, had already been accepted to a top tier college and was just biding time the whole second half of senior year.

Well I had some friends over mid-day and we were boozing and swimming in mom and dad’s pool when we decided to shoot the trailers with potatos while people tested.

This was the year of 9/11 and people were very sensitive. Potato guns sound like shot guns going off. A cop on the other side of the school called for back up unbeknownst to us while an unseen maintence worker down the way at the football field called in a “bazooka like weapon” being fired at the school.

We left incidentally to get more beer and a friend down the street called my cell and said the SWAT team had surrounded my parents house, warned the neighbors of “terroristic” activity and put a sniper on a roof across the street.

It was quite a fiasco when I went home and showed them the potato gun. The school was pissed too, I had to take my finals after all, not that it mattered.

My sister lost a baby sitting job on the street and I felt bad but over all it was hilarious. Supposedly the potatoes hitting the thin metal walls sounded like armeggedon to all the non-exempt retards trying to save weak GPAs.

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

One more time, you will probably get your wish. Either an STD, a bar fight gone wrong or some crazy accident on a skydiving or hang gliding trip who knows. Possibly a stray bullet. I’ll live five times more than most in my short few years though.
[/quote]

I love it when people say shit like this.

Because ‘living’ is, of course, the hedonistic pursuit of stupid ‘fun’.

You have such a craaaaaazy life, HG.

krazee

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

One more time, you will probably get your wish. Either an STD, a bar fight gone wrong or some crazy accident on a skydiving or hang gliding trip who knows. Possibly a stray bullet. I’ll live five times more than most in my short few years though.
[/quote]

I love it when people say shit like this.

Because ‘living’ is, of course, the hedonistic pursuit of stupid ‘fun’.

You have such a craaaaaazy life, HG.

krazee[/quote]
And I love the blase uber cool dudes in the corner who know everything except not. Breakfast Club 101.

One time, OK, see, one time Randy Beaman’s aunt was sitting on the… on the front porch and she, and she was in her bare feet, and she felt a lick and she thought it was her dog… licking her feet but it wasn’t; it was this crazy guy that did that a lot.

K, bye.

[quote]Christine wrote:
One time, OK, see, one time Randy Beaman’s aunt was sitting on the… on the front porch and she, and she was in her bare feet, and she felt a lick and she thought it was her dog… licking her feet but it wasn’t; it was this crazy guy that did that a lot.

K, bye.[/quote]

OK, so, see, one time Randy Beaman’s mom’s best friend, whose name is Linda, wanted to get a tan more than anything, so she went to a tanning salon and she stayed in too long and she boiled her guts.
'K. Bye

A friend of mine, a much older woman, was having a pelvic exam and sneezed and the speculum flew out and went flying across the room.

[quote]debraD wrote:
A friend of mine, a much older woman, was having a pelvic exam and sneezed and the speculum flew out and went flying across the room. [/quote]
Hilarious!

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

[quote]Vicomte wrote:

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:

One more time, you will probably get your wish. Either an STD, a bar fight gone wrong or some crazy accident on a skydiving or hang gliding trip who knows. Possibly a stray bullet. I’ll live five times more than most in my short few years though.
[/quote]

I love it when people say shit like this.

Because ‘living’ is, of course, the hedonistic pursuit of stupid ‘fun’.

You have such a craaaaaazy life, HG.

krazee[/quote]
And I love the blase uber cool dudes in the corner who know everything except not. Breakfast Club 101. [/quote]

Those fuckers didn’t even have breakfast. Someone explain this shit.

I gotta admit, that gun thing sounded fucking hysterical until it actually got pointed at someone. But who am I to talk? I’ve got about a half dozen stories in the thread linked below and they’re all pretty fucked up. But they’re hilarious!

http://tnation.T-Nation.com/free_online_forum/music_movies_girls_life/pranks_and_scares?id=4705815&pageNo=1

I used to be a Janitor for MIT, and all these snooty kids couldnt figure out this math problem on the board, so while cleaning up the garbage I figured that shit out in a second, some dickhead teacher first thought I was trying to steal something but he then figured out I was a fucking mathematical genius! He then realized that I also was all fucked up mentally and my boys all we like to do was fight and drink, so he tried to get me to a psychiatrist and they were all flakes until he hooked me up with Robin Williams and told me it wasnt my fault, and then I saw the light…Even my best friend Ben Affleck realized that Im too good for Southie, so I left.

Not hilarious but true.

One time, I was taking a #2 and I saw my mom or my sister’s sanitary pad on the bath room counter. I took her dark red lipstick and colored it up like it was used. Then I ran out of the bath room and said “HEY SIS LOOK WHAT I FOUND” and then threw it at her. She freaked out. I yelled PSYCH ITS JUST LIPSTICK.

I repeated this later on with toilet paper and brown hair dye.

When I was a kid I was eating dinner with my family. In the middle of a conversation my dad begins to look annoyed and says alright so who is it I keep playing footsies with? My brother and I share looks of doubt and we all three look under the table to see each others’ feet placement to find the culprit. Turns out he was actually toeing my dog in the asshole. I guess the dog enjoyed it cause he stuck around lol

[/quote]

I fully support and encourage you dying young.

[/quote]

This.

[quote]HoustonGuy wrote:
You guys are fucking pussies.

[/quote]

It was idiotic, you know it and I know several people, me included, who would have fed this guy his gun.

Probably anally, though that would technically no longer be “feeding”.

Go forth and be less idiotic from now on.

For the record it wasn’t me with the pistol guys. The only planned joke was the hunt and target practice. But fuck you all anyways, I did think it was hilarious so I suppose that makes me guilty kind of.