[quote]browndisaster wrote:
agree 100% with the two posts above me
both posters are giving advice that is tough to follow, but very necessary and the best course of action in the long run[/quote]
And hopefully without the diarrhea. 
( Your avatar is sooo painful to look atā¦)
OP,
May I kindly suggest read up as much as you can on co-dependency.
Here is a start if you wish:
[quote]Alpha F wrote:
OP,
May I kindly suggest read up as much as you can on co-dependency.
Here is a start if you wish:
http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_101/codependency.htm
http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm
[/quote]
Trust me, I have no problem with that. The evidence as that as soon as it became toxic, I spaced out to preserve my mental health and my happiness. Of course the first āoutburstā she had was very hard, but itās easier and easier. Iām treating it carefully as Iām aware of the negative impact that toxic people can have on other people.
[quote]Apoklyps wrote:
This is a red flag, OP. I do realize that the majority of depressed people are already sick of hearing suggestions that theyāve already tried, though. I was. You have to tread carefully here and realize that there is a fine line between doing whatās best for her and enabling her. You will have to maintain this fine line while trying to stay ahead of her volatile mood-states. OP, it is EASILY apparent that you still have feelings for her and fairly strong ones too. She is a female and smarter in these matters than you or I. She knows this. This is an even bigger red flag. Therapists must maintain a sense of detachment in order to avoid their judgments being clouded by emotion. In her diseased state of mind, there will be times (and probably already have been) when she will try to sway you by taking advantage of these feelings. You are in a very precarious place.
Iām not sure I feel qualified to advise you, so donāt necessarily take my word for it, but this is what I would do, if I were in your shoes:
I would explain to her that I care about her and am concerned about her condition, while expressing my lack of ability to understand just how horrible it must be. I would explain that, based on my lack of understanding about her situation, that I want to continue to help her, but I cannot do it alone. What she wants may not be what she needs most, and I do not have the ability to differentiate this. Therefore, my continued support is contingent on her getting professional help (assuming this is financially sound for her). She will likely voice opposition here, but this is also where it is important to stand firm. It is her choice what direction this takes and it is also important to send her the message that she cannot dictate the terms, ever. If you are acting in a supportive capacity, but she holds power over you, then all is lost.
[/quote]
She doesnāt have such leverage on me, her ability to hurt me, on purpose or as a consequence of her status, is limited. Even at her worst, she hasnāt had a bad word towards anyone else, me included, itās all focused on her, which makes it easier. About the feelings, of course I do have, so does she. Technically weāre not together, but emotionally we are, but weāre both kinda on the defensive. I want her to take a step forward and look for serious and professional help. If she doesnāt, I will become totally detached naturally, as love is already becoming twisted.
Having been depressed gives me both an advantage and a natural defense, but thanks for the advice. I believe her opposition is starting to falter.
[quote]E901 wrote:
Are you really her friend or not?
[/quote]
Iām her ex-boyfriend/future boyfriend, so the rules are kinda different. I am loyal to her, Iām empathetic and sympathetic to her issue, but, there are limits.
[quote]Apoklyps wrote:
[quote]Edevus wrote:
She actually doesnāt want solutions, just support. But Iām like, unable to just listen and say āEverything will be okā when I can give a solution there and there.
[/quote]
This is a red flag, OP. I do realize that the majority of depressed people are already sick of hearing suggestions that theyāve already tried, though. I was. You have to tread carefully here and realize that there is a fine line between doing whatās best for her and enabling her. You will have to maintain this fine line while trying to stay ahead of her volatile mood-states. OP, it is EASILY apparent that you still have feelings for her and fairly strong ones too. She is a female and smarter in these matters than you or I. She knows this. This is an even bigger red flag. Therapists must maintain a sense of detachment in order to avoid their judgments being clouded by emotion. In her diseased state of mind, there will be times (and probably already have been) when she will try to sway you by taking advantage of these feelings. You are in a very precarious place.
Iām not sure I feel qualified to advise you, so donāt necessarily take my word for it, but this is what I would do, if I were in your shoes:
I would explain to her that I care about her and am concerned about her condition, while expressing my lack of ability to understand just how horrible it must be. I would explain that, based on my lack of understanding about her situation, that I want to continue to help her, but I cannot do it alone. What she wants may not be what she needs most, and I do not have the ability to differentiate this. Therefore, my continued support is contingent on her getting professional help (assuming this is financially sound for her). She will likely voice opposition here, but this is also where it is important to stand firm. It is her choice what direction this takes and it is also important to send her the message that she cannot dictate the terms, ever. If you are acting in a supportive capacity, but she holds power over you, then all is lost.
Why do you deal with a lot of depressed people if you cannot control your own depression? You will only succeed in bringing each other down. Truly, the best thing you can do for yourself and them is do your best to get better. If you are trying to help them, you can only do so once you get better.[/quote]
I think Iām pretty good at it honestly. Thatās what Iām trying to say. You donāt have to let other people bring you down no matter how toxic they are, you can learn to not let it effect you.
I get what you are saying, but at least for me, helping others who need it is one of the only things I think Iām really good at. And itās helping others that keeps me going. Maybe it does effect me negatively in a wayā¦ But it does positively too.