Gym Ettiquette For 2010 Dummies

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Seeing as it is that time of year again when the places many of us consider a second home get inundated with people who up until that point had only used weights as door stops, I feel it may be time to inform some of the less experienced what to avoid doing unless they want to lose a finger, their life, or simply be embarrassed into leaving the gym immediately.

I: Do not touch the fucking weights that are attached to the bar…on the bench that someone is laying on at that moment about to lift.

I get it, you didn’t know people actually lifted that much and thought that was just another weight tree. I am both flattered and pissed the fuck off seeing as how my left arm went flying into the air due to the combination of me preparing to lift ALL of the plates I had placed on the bar and your decision to take plates off my left side of the machine so you could awkwardly pretend to lift weights.

This has apparently happened to quite a number of us lately so I can only assume these idiots just don’t even watch their surrounding area at all yet are bold enough to potentially fuck up someone’s life all because they wanted what they wanted right now.

If you do anything like this, just fucking leave and/or find another gym.

II: Do not rack weights onto a machine while a person is using that machine during a set.

I like to get into a zone especially when I train legs. My music playing, my head bobbing and my sweat falling from my face should all be clues that haphazardly tossing weights onto the weight rack on my leg press WHILE I AM LIFTING simply because that is easier then walking to the front OF YOUR OWN MACHINE and using your own weight tree should be avoided.

Yes, I did take the time to correct you face to face and no, I was not trying to be a dick…but if I am going to have my nuts crushed under a few hundred pounds, it had better fucking be of my own doing.

III: Yes, bitch, I was using the mirror.

NO, I get it, you paid good money for those color coordinated lycra stretch pants and in order to make sure your make up looks nice while you do 3lbs dumbbell curls, you need to be 3 inches from the mirror at all times.

HOWEVER, it is 12 midnight and there is no one on either side of you within 30 feet and I was using that machine behind you before you sauntered your lack of ass in front of me. But of course, you taking a step to the side so I can watch my own form when I lift is far too selfish of me.

My bad.

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That’s it? Those are all the gym manners for this year?

I seem to recall my Vogue’s Book of Etiquette being over 500 pages.

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Prof. how come you don’t have your own gym setup? I mean your a serious guy training, the 10 years you’ve been hittin the gym you could have had an AMAZING setup with all the money spent on memberships.

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Sorry Prof, but I have to add:

do NOT fucking talk to me! This is MY hour in the day filled with two jobs, a wife, three kids, and trying to finish my degree(s). If you choose to break into my only free time today, do not be surprised if I a) am a complete dick to you, or b) hit you with a plate.

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Don’t take my weights off the fucking bar dammit! I was just going to get a sip of water. If you see weights on the bar don’t touch it or at least wait a few minutes to make sure nobody is using it. Now put my weight back on.

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I think I may have to print a couple copies of this off and post them around my gym. Number 2 drives me fucking crazy - both when they put weights on or take them off while I am in mid-set, and yes I am going to use those plates that aren’t loaded yet too - I didn’t bring them half-way across the gym so you could use them motherfucker, some of us need to work up to our top sets, you may need to start doing this too when you use more than 3 plates per side on the leg press.

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IV: You Don’t Know Dick

While your 95lb (geared) bench press is impressive for a stillborn fetus, it doesn’t give you the authority to tell people how to train. Ergo, when you see someone larger than you, moving more weight than you can fathom, keep your mouth shut. They don’t want you to check their form. They don’t need your spot unless they ask for it. And most importantly, rushing to the bar and shouting, “It’s all youuuuuuuaaaghghgh” as you attempt an impromptu spot doesn’t help us lift any better. We know it’s all us. That’s why we were repping it before you got here.

Stick to the cardio room. There’s got to be at least one or two underage cardio bunnies left who haven’t filed restraining orders!

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[quote]elano wrote:
Don’t take my weights off the fucking bar dammit! I was just going to get a sip of water. If you see weights on the bar don’t touch it or at least wait a few minutes to make sure nobody is using it. Now put my weight back on.
[/quote]

Solution: Make it obvious that the bench/ machine/ station is occupied. Put your towel, gym I.D., keys, whatever in plain view. If that doesn’t work, then yeah they’re being a tool.

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[i]Step Back From the Dumbbell Rack[/i]

Yes asshole, I am looking at you in the eye in the mirror while I stand behind you holding 110lbs in each hand for a reason. Good for you for doing some curls with the 30’s, but standing 3 inches away from the rack where you picked them up is not only in my way to put these back, but also pick up the next set I need.

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[quote]NvrTooLate wrote:

[quote]elano wrote:
Don’t take my weights off the fucking bar dammit! I was just going to get a sip of water. If you see weights on the bar don’t touch it or at least wait a few minutes to make sure nobody is using it. Now put my weight back on.
[/quote]

Solution: Make it obvious that the bench/ machine/ station is occupied. Put your towel, gym I.D., keys, whatever in plain view. If that doesn’t work, then yeah they’re being a tool.[/quote]

i prefer taking a shit on the bench. you only have to do it once and then no one will touch it ever again.

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Ok, I’m usually an incredibly laid-back guy, but I feel like venting and this looks like the place to do it!

[i] No, you cannot fucking work in with me! [/i]

Equipment in most gyms is limited and I try to be accommodating whenever I can, but if I’m doing squats or deadlifts, no, you in fact cannot “work in with me”. Removing plates and adjusting the safety bars, while seemingly trivial things, annoy me and occupy my time. I’m very brief when I use a piece of equipment, go do something else and leave me alone.

[i] Put your shit back and clean up after yourself! [/i]

You’re somewhat exempt from this rule if you work out in a hardcore gym, with clouds of chalk, bars rusty enough to give tetanus to a blue whale, and a constant stench of a Turkish man’s armpit in the air, but if you work out in a big chain gym, put your fucking plates back and wipe that oil slick you left on the bench! This is real, REAL basic Kindergarten shit I’m talking about here which seemingly has not sunk in with a lot of gym goers. OK, so you can leg press 1000 lbs. Awesome. PUT YOUR FUCKING PLATES BACK! No, don’t assume that you can leave 5 plates on a side as some kind of minimal standard that all gym goers should be able to handle. Sure, many can, but some can’t. Put your fucking toys back in the toy box when you’re finished. And wipe your disgusting oil slick off the bench, Captain Hazelwood!

[i] Your “Bed-Head Manipulator” makes you smell like a homosexual [/i]

It’s semi-solid blue goop that comes in a tub and smells like two gay coconuts sodomizing each other on a rainbow. Ok, that comparison was a bit abstract, I admit, but stop wearing this shit to the gym! Charles Poliquin did a study that determined one whiff of this slop decreases testosterone levels by 722% (check Pubmed, it’s on there, somewhere near the back). If I’m halfway through a workout and detect “the douchebag combo” (a combination of Bed Head and Aqua di Gio in the air) I simply stop what I’m doing and go home…my workout is ruined! Only a double dose of Poliquin-brand “Nostril Guard” will bring my testosterones back to baseline after this.

[i] Stop swearing and trying to sound tough [/i]

Coming back to Canada and working out in a Canadian gym really makes me miss my gay-ass Japanese one. I was doing incline bench presses the other day when I heard the following dialogue…
Douchebag 1: Yeah bro, fucking supposed to have fucked Megan on New Years, but that faggot Jeremy…
Douchebag 2: Fucking Jeremy. Fucking hate that guy
Douchebag 1: …that faggot Jeremy stepped on my dick. Fucking Shanghai’ed me! Swear to God if I ever see that fucking guy…
Douchebag 2: Beat the shit outta that fucker. Snap his arm like a fucking twig!

The conversation went on like this for a good 5 minutes. Sometimes “Douchebag 2” would reply to or acknowledge “Douchebag 1” simply by saying “fuck”.

Your language offends certain people, nobody thinks your tough, and your pathetic lifestyle (which revolves around Affliction t-shirts and acquiring rims for your truck) is something that nobody wants to hear about. Go find something heavy to lift and shut up. Fuck.

There…I feel much better now…

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[b]V: Can I Borrow $5??[/b]

no seriously.

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There’s only one asshole in my gym - ME!

I hate when I rack plates onto the leg machine while I’m using it - if it happens again, I’m kicking my own ass…

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[quote]WormwoodTheory wrote:

[quote]NvrTooLate wrote:

[quote]elano wrote:
Don’t take my weights off the fucking bar dammit! I was just going to get a sip of water. If you see weights on the bar don’t touch it or at least wait a few minutes to make sure nobody is using it. Now put my weight back on.
[/quote]

Solution: Make it obvious that the bench/ machine/ station is occupied. Put your towel, gym I.D., keys, whatever in plain view. If that doesn’t work, then yeah they’re being a tool.[/quote]

i prefer taking a shit on the bench. you only have to do it once and then no one will touch it ever again.[/quote]

sounds like a light beer commercial: The light version and the not so light. Both effective

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Hey asian girl that smells like a french whore. Please don’t wear overwelming amounts of perfume to the gym. I have to breathe the air to.

If you want to get my attention, take your pants off then do deadlifts!

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[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
Ok, I’m usually an incredibly laid-back guy, but I feel like venting and this looks like the place to do it!

[i] No, you cannot fucking work in with me! [/i]

Equipment in most gyms is limited and I try to be accommodating whenever I can, but if I’m doing squats or deadlifts, no, you in fact cannot “work in with me”. Removing plates and adjusting the safety bars, while seemingly trivial things, annoy me and occupy my time. I’m very brief when I use a piece of equipment, go do something else and leave me alone.
[/quote]

This irritates me and never used to happen. These newer weekend warriors are much more bold than they used to be. They used to see that the weight I was using was drastically more than them and leave me alone. I am not about to load and unload several plates before and after each fucking set just so you can work in with me. It would tire me out long before I ever got to my last set. I would rather be an asshole and make progress than the type who would allow some of the bullshit happening lately.

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[quote]rasturai wrote:
Prof. how come you don’t have your own gym setup? I mean your a serious guy training, the 10 years you’ve been hittin the gym you could have had an AMAZING setup with all the money spent on memberships.[/quote]

x2

is there any specific reasoning behind this? just don’t have the room for it? Prefer intimidating the front desk staff?

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I picture Prof. X’s living room: there is a large flat screen TV, with a hammer strength incline press instead of a couch. And there is a walk-in freezer room with animal carcasses used as counterweights for pulley machines.

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[quote]WormwoodTheory wrote:

[quote]rasturai wrote:
Prof. how come you don’t have your own gym setup? I mean your a serious guy training, the 10 years you’ve been hittin the gym you could have had an AMAZING setup with all the money spent on memberships.[/quote]

x2

is there any specific reasoning behind this? just don’t have the room for it? Prefer intimidating the front desk staff? [/quote]

I don’t know how you train, but I know it makes little sense for someone at my level to build a gym at home unless I plan on putting upwards of 6,000 bucks worth of equipment in it. Ronnie Coleman has a nice gym worthy enough to really get big in. He also has his own house to build it in and, judging by the big screen tv, the TWO stair steppers, the weight trees holding thousands of pounds, and all of those benches, his house is better than many gyms.

When I get my own house, I may do the same over time, but why would I do that when the gym costs me less than 24 bucks a month and I rent?

Where do you all train where building a truly impressive at home gym that can help someone my size get even bigger costs LESS than a gym membership? I mean, I guess if you literally added up the last ten years it would get you HALF WAY THERE TO THE COST OF BUILDING ONE AT HOME.

Hell, I didn’t even pay for my gym membership until I was already out of college for about two years. It pays to know how to talk to people.

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[quote]Rational Gaze wrote:
I picture Prof. X’s living room: there is a large flat screen TV, with a hammer strength incline press instead of a couch. And there is a walk-in freezer room with animal carcasses used as counterweights for pulley machines.[/quote]

Oh, one can dream.