I read a troubling article in yesterday’s newspaper. In one of my state’s towns, an unarmed but belligerent raccoon took control of a woman’s vehicle, sending her into “I’m freaking out” mode and the late model sedan crashing into something. The raccoon apparently entered when the woman opened the driver’s door. He destroyed the car’s interior, assaulted the driver, then (get this) hijacked the wheel and changed the radio from AM to FM. I guess he wanted to listen to some Top 40. Good choice. Those arrogant talk radio bastards suck.
The woman eventually got out and called the police. In a tense standoff, officers were unable to persuade the wise-ass suspect out of the vehicle. It was unclear in the piece if any negotiations took place or if a megaphone was used: “Put your paws on your head and slowly exit the vehicle.” Finally, the ordeal ended when, get this again, the raccoon jumped out the window which he himself had lowered using the car’s control panel. He must’ve had a jones to rummage through some trash. I kid you not. Bee-leave it.
As I said, this is troubling. Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re all in deep shit now. We’ve squashed too many spiders, burned too many snakes (you sick fucks), and run over too many squirrels (you poor drivers and/or sick fucks). The proverbial line in the sand has been drawn (quite obviously by the ant community). This was no accident. It was a clear message. These creatures are pissed. We’re all targets. YOU could be next. Never again will we be able to admire a pretty little blue jay perched on a tree without fearing bodily harm or a big ass mechanic bill.
I’m off to feed the ducks before this problem REALLY gets out of hand.
Under the current security doctrine, we must launch a preemptive strike against nature. I’ll go drive my SUV around the block a few times and stop recycling. I’ll also import ivory and leopard skins to adorn my apartment and warn off those pesky “animals” from trying anything in my abode of death. That’ll show 'em.
Have no fear of the ducks. Throw those bread crumbs into the street and those ducks will be flattened.
Nobody understands that we are at war with nature. This was the first attack. We have to get rid of this nature thing, it is so unnatural living with nature. Does anyone realize that the zoos are actually concentration camps? All the zoo animals were actually taken into custody because they were starting animal militias.
That dog licking your face? He is tasting you. Cats have already infiltrated the human world. Why? They are spies. Secret agents who distract you with hairballs. And the hamsters who wait until the wee hours to cause their running wheels to squeak.
It is an animal conspiracy I tell you. Oh crap, my cat is watching me, he knows I am on to them… got to go.
I heard that recently this squirrel picked up a hooker in his Ferrari. They drove off to a dark alley, he paid her, and then she did “her thing.” Afterward, as she was getting out of the car, the squirrel laid 7 rounds into her from his uzi. He got his money back and then drove off.
And people thought that commercial with the rodents and unsuspecting driver was cute. Hell, we just broadcast their message for them, nation wide. On another note, how many animals have you flushed down the toilet lately. That otta give your next bathroom break a whole new meaning.
My prediction is that the very geese that ~karma~ so unabashedly ridicules and despises will be the very first to go as the geese, hissing their hatred, use their little razor-like teeth as mini serrated knives to sever her carotid artery…
Of course, it’s true! Hey, I found out that there’s more to the story:
Apparantly the squirrel made his way down to the local mall and was causing havoc with his flamethrower. The cops were having trouble chasing him, as he kept darting into stores and changing his clothes.
He managed to escape in a yellow Porshe. The cops chased him for about an hour, but then lost him. They think the squirrel may have gotten the Porshe painted a different color. Based on this, the cops gave up the chase and are no longer looking for the squirrel.