Just slow down and follow his lead. I honest-to-God have no idea where this guy is going, but I strongly suspect your intensity may be freaking him out.
I think you know I’m a therapist…I’ve had someone ask me to back up my chair because my energy was making her nervous. It was an intake and I was probably 5’ away from her when she asked. She’s not the only one who’s reacted negatively to my intensity or energy or whatever. It’s not the same thing as dating/hanging out but just to say that people read energy, and you’re intense in this guy’s direction. He may be overwhelmed, even if interested. Or he may be hanging out, trying to decide if he’s interested, because moving it forward if he’s not going to be all the way “in” would be foolish for him given the work situation.
Editing to add that while some people have reacted negatively to my energy, for others it’s like crack. People who like quinoa like quinoa!
I like this post a lot!! I never really think about that sort of thing.
I might have a hard time controlling my intensity because in all honesty is just my anxious energy and I pretty much spew it at everyone, and in every direction.
He knows I have a lot of anxiety , but I doubt he would be able to differentiate between my generalized anxiety and my lusty anxiety , lol
Because Spock’s anxiety level is thru the roof. She needs somebody that is more attentive to her needs. This not/ late responding and mixed signal crap is only going to bring her misery.
She is already sell conscious about every breath she takes. She doesn’t need someday to tell her what kind of pants to wear, but somebody that says… hey! You are rocking those gym pants!
She has already overthought this to death. No need to keep inflicting that on herself. It makes her feel as though she is not good enough, and opens the door to self doubt and heartbreak.
I think Spock is a beautiful, caring young women who needs a special kind of guy that will understand and reassure her, not make her question self worth.
Not saying this guy isn’t decent ( but I have my doubts) just not the kind of guy she needs.
I also just think like, if I knew a guy had a thing for me , and I had a hot bouncer friend I wouldn’t invite him out to watch us socialize because it seems in somewhat poor taste , but that’s just my opinion
Also, yes, my anxiety is through the roof and I honestly dont feel like being coached by some guy I had a thing for to help me be better with dudes.
He is very nit picky about my lifestyle and my OCD stuff and one of the first things my emotionally abusive ex said to me was he was going to break me out of my shell.
This guy said the same thing last night.
It seems all fun and games, but he picks on my diet and my routine and schedule like its wrong I’m living this way. He brings it up non stop .
My ex used to use the fact that I weighed and measured my food as a reason not to date or commit to me because what we would eat separate dinners ?
Like I dont want to go through that again where I feel bad for living my life in a structured way because I like my life and living in this way truly helps my anxiety.
I think the solution to that is to stop overthinking, not to declare anyone an asshole who doesn’t treat her as if she is both beloved (he doesn’t even know her) and fragile (healthy men don’t seek insta-relationships with unhealthy women).
They are not a couple. His signals to this point have been very consistent - they’re friends. Whether that’s a first step for him is not yet clear.
I agree. She is exceptional - a catch - but when I picture what you’re describing given her inner turmoil over these things, I see an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. I suspect that’s how the former BF presented initially. Wouldn’t it be better if she used this situation for learning and growth? He seems very safe to me - the only issue is that he may not want a romantic relationship with her. What kind of guy encounters a woman who is out-of-control crushing on him as well as a coworker and doesn’t exercise caution? I would say an insecure one, or a user. A health guy moves slowly in such cases.
When I came out of my long marriage I was hanging out with a guy in my 'hood. My friends were all incensed that he wasn’t rushing me, but I was five minutes single and had been in a sexless relationship. I was completely infatuated and almost unable to function at work the days after the first kiss, first make-out session, etc. He was right to hold me at arm’s length because I was a hot mess. If he’d let me I’d have replicated my two-decade marriage with him. These are boundaries, and are generally considered positive things.
Oh, Spock has posted since I started this…
If it were another guy he’d suggested hanging out with would you assume you were there to watch them socialize or to be part of the socializing?
Fair enough! You get to decide he’s not someone you like or want to spend time with. But rather than letting your anxiety determine the tone and quality of your relationships, you should try to learn to manage your anxiety in this arena so you go in from a position of strength. It’s not different from lifting - determine where you want to be and move steadily toward it.
I totally get it! You need somebody that is going to like you… for you! Not somebody that wants to change you. Especially not on a first date!
Now, can a healthy relationship help you change? Yes. It can make you want to change yourself. But, pressuring to change is the wrong way to go about it.
You are an awesome human being! Effort. Effort is what separates the men from the boys. I can’t think of anyone who puts out more effort than Jenn. Effort to be the best possible version of yourself. As person, a mom, and lifter. You give it your all. I’ll take effort over a fairy tale anyday!
Bounce quarters off your ass, love it, keep this attitude.
Also, video, lol.
I think the hot bartender thing was calculated and manipulative. Doesn’t mean he’s a dick, maybe immature, probably awkward.
FWIW, with all of my social activities of late, I haven’t made a strong move. I’ve brought up a few things that didn’t seem to go over well and just backed off, probably because I know I’m too much of a train wreck right now to be in a relationship. I am still seeing these girls, but it definitely feels like friends and that’s probably a good thing.
Breathing is always a good thing. If you’re interested, there is a free breathwork tomorrow, and every Sunday through Alchemy of Breath. It’s free, and not competitive with T-Nation so hopefully they’ll let me post the link if you, or anybody else, is interested. You need Zoom if you want to do it, it’s free.
Otherwise, keep doing you Spock, you’re good enough and that’s enough (I think you’re awesome, but good enough works for everybody).
@Spock81 Have you considered that this young man might be just as awkward as you are when it comes to making his intentions known, or even knowing what they are in the first place? Perhaps he has been in bad relationships too, and is proceeding with caution while he gets to know you better. Caution is especially warranted since you both work at the same place.
It’s been less than two weeks since you made any sort of connection with this guy, and it doesn’t sound like he’s pushing you away. I realize you were hoping for more at this point, but I don’t think the ship has left port quite yet from what you’re describing. If he’s bringing up sex, however awkward it may be, that may be his clumsy attempt at matching whatever your clumsy attempt at flirting was. Flirt more, even if you’re tripping over your own feet while you do it.
As far as lifting/lifestyle critiques go, are you sure you’re not the one bringing it up constantly? Not everyone is into that stuff, in fact few people are. He might just be busting your chops in a clumsy way without meaning anything significant by it. Make sure you have other stuff to talk about!
You can burn it all to the ground, salt the earth and move on to the next awkward guy if you want, but you literally just met him.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and insight. I appreciate all of you very much .
As far as the bartender bouncer scenario goes, I wasnt really very included. Maybe that was my fault, I’m not sure. He bought her shots and they made plans and talked about things and people I didnt know. They made toasts I wasnt in, and at this point I didnt know she had a boyfriend, i didnt know the context of their relationship. I just felt understandably stupid . Not saying he was an ass for doing it or his intentions were bad, but it doesn’t change how I felt in that moment.
It is a good point to not let my anxiety make my decions for me , and I have welcomed advice from men (chalk squat boy for anyone who remembers that lol) about talking with guys. But he never makes me feel like I’m living wrong or acting wrong. He just helps me reevaluate my thought process and my approach. That is to say, by the end of the convo, I don’t feel down on myself.
To be honest, by the end of the night I felt pretty down about myself. I felt like nobody would want to be with me because of how OCD I can be, and that makes me sad
And to answer your question @twojarslave, it was def him bringing up my lifestyle. I really didnt want to talk about it because it kept being spun in a negative light.
Well, if you decide to socialize with this guy again, try to stay away from all lifting, diet and gym talk. If he keeps ragging on you about it, just ask him why it seems to bother him. Be straightforward and give him a chance to explain.
It would have been epic if you had said this out loud!
I interpreted one of Flappinit’s posts above as basically saying the guy is a pussy. At the time I didn’t agree, I thought the guy was just taking it slow because it was too early for him know how much he wanted to commit. Also, sometimes people need time to decompress after socializing with someone they’re not comfortable with yet.
After reading further, I’m more inclined to agree with Flappinit. The guy is sounding like a passive aggressive prick. I hope I’m wrong. I hope he’s just a little socially awkward and crap like the bartender friend was just a bad attempt on his part to raise his social status in your eyes.
Once again, you deserve more than that. Know what you deserve and make sure you’re treated that way. You deserve a man that will be attentive to you and understanding. You deserve patience and interest and to be cared for. You don’t deserve a guy that’s going to make wise cracks and talk to his “friend” while out with you.
I went out with a girl once who did that shit. We went to a bar, I paid for our drinks and she started talking to other guys. I quietly got up, got her shit out of my truck, laid it on the bar and left her there.
So my last thought (for now, lol) would be to wonder whether you put OCD and anxiety on the table and he’s simply reacting by trying to help you - or maybe is scared by it. I don’t subscribe to faking who you are to rope some poor schmuck into a relationship, but I do think filters are good, with negative or difficult stuff revealed as trust builds.
So I wonder if the lifting problem was the result of misunderstanding, like you called your diet and workout behavior “OCD” and he took it literally, thinking it’s a problem for you. And maybe you do suffer from OCD at a level that’s problematic, I don’t know. But I’m taught that behavior is purposeful, and his behavior doesn’t make sense to me unless there’s a communication issue between the two of you. He doesn’t know you well enough to be invested in your food habits, and doesn’t sound aggressive enough to be controlling in the way your ex was.
Exactly! You’ve given him too much power over you. I don’t mean in his behavior, I mean in terms of your emotional state. To think of him fulfilling the expectations of this thread is laughable: a manly go-getter who makes a sexual move early on BUT is also sensitive to your fragility and mental health needs AND declares his LTR intentions both verbally and by concrete action ALTHOUGH in such a way as to reassure you that he is not overly aggressive or controlling like your ex. :-/
See, I don’t think this is really about sex. To me this is about him being interested in being part of her life. I don’t think anybody was expecting to just jump into bed here.
Maybe I am looking at it the wrong way.
Spock has even stated that this was not what she wanted. She just wanted to know what was going on, to not be confused and for him to take some iniative or to tell her that this isn’t going to work out. Pretty simple to me.