Dude - run
If the dating (the EASY part) isn’t fun … The marriage will be a disaster (if it gets to that point)
Sounds like anything you want to do that she isn’t “into” is gonna be a conflict. Gym, hunting, fishing, beers with the boys - all opportunities to square off
But for Derek, PIIHB before you drop kick her to the curb …
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
[quote]mixongc wrote:
I was in the same situation for years, then we got married! I love her more than anyone or anything. The way I handled the situation is this, if she has something in her life outside of you, you need to make her understand that whatever her “thing” is, it’s obviously important to her, and you’re not asking that she give that up. If she doesn’t have anything, she needs something.
Maybe suggest she go to the gym with you, that’s what I did too, and she actually fell in love with training! I thought at first it was a bad idea, but after she got into it, it became something we both love. We prepare our meals together now, and I help her with her programming. Not to mention her body (which was already nice) got amazing!![/quote]
That’s exactly what I want. You have it pretty great it seems. I just wish she’d actually do this. I have tried to get her to come with me, but she just doesn’t have any interest whatsoever. And the hardest thing about this is that she has no hobbies at all. Nothing. When I ask her what makes her happy the only thing she says is me. That’s not healthy, is it?
I have a list of things that make me happy, but when I’m with her I don’t get to do them. That’s my biggest complaint. SUre being with her makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do all those other things. I need to get her to understand this somehow. [/quote]
You just have to tell her, if she wants you- that’s fine- she should just want a happy you. And if you are deprived of the thing that you enjoy, she won’t get the ‘best’ you, just a pissed off, bitter version.
She needs to know it will BENEFIT HER by letting you have your hobbies, and you will love and respect her so much more for letting you pursue you own hobbies/interests without being smothered.
Lay down the law, and then let HER choose if she still wants to be with you.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
Even so, we found that shorter periods of high quality time seem to be better for the relationship than just “spending all our time together when we’re not working”.[/quote]
In other words fuck her senseless then go train. Exactly what I’ve been thinking the whole time reading this thread. Good post Rez.
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
[quote]xboxwarrior wrote:
No offense, dude, but if you’re what makes her happy she’s a disaster. There are SO many red flags. The sex better be great. Run from this situation. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
If being in social situations is so draining why are you going into teaching? For the crazy chicks?[/quote]
LOL! Yes, being “on” even throughout the teaching day is draining, but I see my intellect finally have a place to express itself, and that’s a kind of feeling that’s actually somewhat similar to training, at least for me. Introverts also have much potential for great leadership qualities, which is apparently becoming a more important quality for teachers to have these days, what with all the changes currently happening. My true dream is to become an English professor, though. Time will tell![/quote]
Being “on” throughout the day is draining and then you have to be “on” for her. You know you need to train, you know you need down time to recharge. She knows she doesn’t want you to do those things. It sounds like you like to appease people. There is nothing wrong w/ that, it takes a certain kind of strength to carry that out. Realize, as you do, that time for you is important. SHE’S NOT GIVING YOU THAT! There may be a compromise here. It’s tough to see, though.
I don’t know you and I don’t know her. I’m all for love, commitment working it out, etc. Just know, as I had to learn, that if you’re unhappy w/ the relationship now, you will be unhappy later.
Being an English professor would be cool.
You’re going overnight to her niece’s birthday party?! Dude.
mikemezz
first off, you should be embarassed posting what you posted…
second, if she gives you crap for doing wht you love to do, get rid of her.
sounds like you’re a pushover…
Thanks guys. It’s nice to hear all of this. Imagine if I never thought to make this thread, all of the support I wouldn’t have at my hands. To XboxWarrior, I was using the present tense in that example, though the overnight thing has already happened! . . . yeah.
And I like Brett’s idea too, that I should put my cards on the table and let her decide if that’s something she can live with. I mean, there has to be a compromise and Nephorm’s posts make me think there is still something I could do as well.
And thanks, xboxwarrior, the English professor route would be cool! I’d still get to express my intellect (even more so) and won’t be run down by these crazy hours! Who would have known how much work goes into teaching (at least for the ones who care/want to do their job right).
Shouldn’t the goal be to find someone who is an easy fit for you rather than one or the other of you having to suffer on behalf of the other?
I have a lot of energy and am very sociable. I have hobbies (including gym) and friends I like to spend separate time with, but I also like being very close in a relationship. I’m like a labrador retriever. Someone who wants an aloof cat is not for me; someone who likes a lot of affection is. I don’t want someone who resents my personality. How depressing.
I think she’s not for you, Mike. I don’t see it as a “she needs help” thing. She’s busy with school, too, and wants to spend free time with her family and you. Add in running and an occasional dinner with friends and that was me in grad school.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m like a labrador retriever.[/quote]
You like to chase ducks I’ve shot? Finally the perfect woman! lmao
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Shouldn’t the goal be to find someone who is an easy fit for you rather than one or the other of you having to suffer on behalf of the other?
[/quote]
Absolutely.
I am an independent female who likes to spend a good deal of time doing my own thing by myself, including lifting. My husband is incredible supportive of my needs. I would suffocate in a relationship like you’re describing. And since you’re already experiencing problems within the dynamic, I think you’d be foolish to continue on the path.
easy fix
stop lifting
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I think she’s not for you, Mike. I don’t see it as a “she needs help” thing. She’s busy with school, too, and wants to spend free time with her family and you. Add in running and an occasional dinner with friends and that was me in grad school.[/quote]
We’re just not in a position to determine whether she has psychological problems or simply has different relationship needs/expectations from the OP. Either way, it doesn’t sound like they are happy.