Girl Advice

Off Topic
61

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
I know, but if she has dominance during the initial interactions, she’ll lose interest.[/quote]

Anything to support this beyond the “MRA” crap that these very people are saying that you shouldn’t really listen to?

Just because you are confident and sure of yourself doesn’t mean that you need to dominate others.

Just because you are confident and sure of yourself doesn’t mean that you must refuse to accept people taking dominance over you.

Afaik, the MRA folks take the basic adage of “self-confidence and surety of your self-worth=people, especially women, like you and want to be close to you” and mutate it into whatever that they talk about.

Don’t be that guy.

62

[quote]magick wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
I know, but if she has dominance during the initial interactions, she’ll lose interest.[/quote]

Anything to support this beyond the “MRA” crap that these very people are saying that you shouldn’t really listen to?

Just because you are confident and sure of yourself doesn’t mean that you need to dominate others.

Just because you are confident and sure of yourself doesn’t mean that you must refuse to accept people taking dominance over you.

Afaik, the MRA folks take the basic adage of “self-confidence and surety of your self-worth=people, especially women, like you and want to be close to you” and mutate it into whatever that they talk about.

Don’t be that guy.[/quote]
What’s Afaik and what’s MRA?

63

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
What’s Afaik?
[/quote]

You’re kidding me.

64

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

While I enjoy talking to her, I have no interest in being long-term pen pals. Things need to go either one way or the other.[/quote]

Me? I’d say, “OK, I understand the need to wait. I’m going to the Marines for six months, and will need to focus on that. Maybe we should try to talk after I get back.”

And then put her on ignore.

If I was guessing, she’s got a boyfriend, is a dude, or is fat and ugly and sent you someone else’s pictures.

65

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

I think I’m gonna keep talking to her for a while longer, but ease off the gas a bit, and see where it goes. If still no go a month before I ship, I’ll give her my email and stop talking to her because I don’t want uncertainty about a girl on my mind in boot.[/quote]

Sounds reasonable.

You might be, but big picture, what did you get played out of? You scored some stimulating conversation out of it, enjoyed a fantasy or two and have a deeper appreciation for people who share a common interest.

You’re not humiliated here, not at all. It isn’t like you got VD and made up a new account to troll the board with your story about it.

66

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
or is fat and ugly and sent you someone else’s pictures.[/quote]

Shit, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think of this.

67

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
or is fat and ugly and sent you someone else’s pictures.[/quote]

Shit, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think of this. [/quote]

Lol.

68

Ask to Skype and if she refuses you are probably getting catfished.

69

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
A first meeting is usually best with very low commitment levels anyway. Grabbing coffee/tea (i.e., going to Starbucks), or grabbing ice cream, can be a 10 minute meeting or last several hours depending on how it goes. Especially if she drives/gets a ride from someone, it lets her be in control of the situation.

If she’s not comfortable with that, assuming you’re in her town and just want to meet her in person, then I’m not sure I’d pursue this further at all.[/quote]
We live over an hour apart.[/quote]
And it’s not worth 3-4 hours of your time, along with whatever it costs in gas/transit, just to know?

If she won’t even meet you like that, you don’t need to waste the next 6+ months thinking about her.

70

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

Also, I feel like I’m being used for emotional support and jerked around with nothing in return here. .

[/quote]

First of all, this is bullshit.

You got a bumper sticker you ungrateful bastard.

71

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

While I enjoy talking to her, I have no interest in being long-term pen pals. Things need to go either one way or the other.[/quote]

Me? I’d say, “OK, I understand the need to wait. I’m going to the Marines for six months, and will need to focus on that. Maybe we should try to talk after I get back.”

And then put her on ignore.

If I was guessing, she’s got a boyfriend, is a dude, or is fat and ugly and sent you someone else’s pictures.[/quote]
Nah dude, snapchat

72

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I’m in this phase where I’m discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i’s really hard for me because I’ve been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don’t care about anyone. I just want you to know it’s not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it’s getting better because it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I’m sure this is all stupid and I’m asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

[/quote]

So what you appear, on the surface, to have here is a girl who recognizes that the combination of the death of her father and the breakup of her first significant relationship have thrown her for a loop, and who recognizes that she needs to be emotionally stable before embarking on a new, potentially serious, relationship.

*She loved her father and misses him, and recognizes her need to grieve.
*She believes that the breakup of a relationship she had for a significant portion of her teen years is a solemn event.
*She expresses a desire to present herself well for you and asks respectfully for patience.

You, on the other hand, are talking about having had one major serious conversation with her that had anything to do with a need for support - though I would say she was telling you stuff that’s important to her given the follow-up text, not seeking support - but you were too stoned to really remember the details of that support. Otherwise she’s kept it light. So how are you her emotional support?

As for dominance, the genuinely self-confident person has no need to carefully guard against being perceived as weak. He is comfortable with his shortcomings because he likes and respects himself despite them, and assumes that others will, too.

You seem to have stumbled onto an earnest, caring girl assuming there’s not a major deception at play (which I think is probably rare, because why bother?). And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

So anyway, I’m sure you’re right, she’s probably using you for your emotional support. I’d block her ass.

73

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I’m in this phase where I’m discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i’s really hard for me because I’ve been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don’t care about anyone. I just want you to know it’s not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it’s getting better because it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I’m sure this is all stupid and I’m asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

[/quote]

So what you appear, on the surface, to have here is a girl who recognizes that the combination of the death of her father and the breakup of her first significant relationship have thrown her for a loop, and who recognizes that she needs to be emotionally stable before embarking on a new, potentially serious, relationship.

*She loved her father and misses him, and recognizes her need to grieve.
*She believes that the breakup of a relationship she had for a significant portion of her teen years is a solemn event.
*She expresses a desire to present herself well for you and asks respectfully for patience.

You, on the other hand, are talking about having had one major serious conversation with her that had anything to do with a need for support - though I would say she was telling you stuff that’s important to her given the follow-up text, not seeking support - but you were too stoned to really remember the details of that support. Otherwise she’s kept it light. So how are you her emotional support?

As for dominance, the genuinely self-confident person has no need to carefully guard against being perceived as weak. He is comfortable with his shortcomings because he likes and respects himself despite them, and assumes that others will, too.

You seem to have stumbled onto an earnest, caring girl assuming there’s not a major deception at play (which I think is probably rare, because why bother?). And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

So anyway, I’m sure you’re right, she’s probably using you for your emotional support. I’d block her ass.[/quote]
Damn, I feel like a cunt now.

74

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

Damn, I feel like a cunt now.[/quote]

lol, don’t stress it.

You have to understand some of us are coming at this from the perspective of years of bitterness, rejection, happiness and fulfillment. We also have the luxury of seeing this from the outside looking in. Two perspectives you don’t have the advantage of.

Just relax and roll with it. It might turn out better than anyone could have expected, and if it doesn’t you haven’t lost anything but a bit of time.

75

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.[/quote]

On the phone, over text, and via pictures.

I think it’s still important to actually meet in person, because, again, rapport/chemistry that works via photos, phone calls, and writing doesn’t matter if the actual physical chemistry (or potential) isn’t there. This seems to be a pretty big difference between what “works” across genders.

If you can swing it, and if it’s done in a way that’s incredibly low-commitment on her part, I do think you should find a way to make that happen.

77

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I’m in this phase where I’m discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i’s really hard for me because I’ve been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don’t care about anyone. I just want you to know it’s not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it’s getting better because it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I’m sure this is all stupid and I’m asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

[/quote]

So what you appear, on the surface, to have here is a girl who recognizes that the combination of the death of her father and the breakup of her first significant relationship have thrown her for a loop, and who recognizes that she needs to be emotionally stable before embarking on a new, potentially serious, relationship.

*She loved her father and misses him, and recognizes her need to grieve.
*She believes that the breakup of a relationship she had for a significant portion of her teen years is a solemn event.
*She expresses a desire to present herself well for you and asks respectfully for patience.

You, on the other hand, are talking about having had one major serious conversation with her that had anything to do with a need for support - though I would say she was telling you stuff that’s important to her given the follow-up text, not seeking support - but you were too stoned to really remember the details of that support. Otherwise she’s kept it light. So how are you her emotional support?

As for dominance, the genuinely self-confident person has no need to carefully guard against being perceived as weak. He is comfortable with his shortcomings because he likes and respects himself despite them, and assumes that others will, too.

You seem to have stumbled onto an earnest, caring girl assuming there’s not a major deception at play (which I think is probably rare, because why bother?). And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

So anyway, I’m sure you’re right, she’s probably using you for your emotional support. I’d block her ass.[/quote]
Damn, I feel like a cunt now.[/quote]

Haha, sorry! Just another viewpoint - do what you want with it.

I do agree that chemistry is important and that ultimately the question is whether or not you click in person. But a nice friendship is a good basis for things in case you do click when you meet. I don’t see that you have anything to lose here. I like your keep-engaged-but-pull-back-a-bit plan.

78

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I’m in this phase where I’m discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i’s really hard for me because I’ve been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don’t care about anyone. I just want you to know it’s not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it’s getting better because it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I’m sure this is all stupid and I’m asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

[/quote]

So what you appear, on the surface, to have here is a girl who recognizes that the combination of the death of her father and the breakup of her first significant relationship have thrown her for a loop, and who recognizes that she needs to be emotionally stable before embarking on a new, potentially serious, relationship.

*She loved her father and misses him, and recognizes her need to grieve.
*She believes that the breakup of a relationship she had for a significant portion of her teen years is a solemn event.
*She expresses a desire to present herself well for you and asks respectfully for patience.

You, on the other hand, are talking about having had one major serious conversation with her that had anything to do with a need for support - though I would say she was telling you stuff that’s important to her given the follow-up text, not seeking support - but you were too stoned to really remember the details of that support. Otherwise she’s kept it light. So how are you her emotional support?

As for dominance, the genuinely self-confident person has no need to carefully guard against being perceived as weak. He is comfortable with his shortcomings because he likes and respects himself despite them, and assumes that others will, too.

You seem to have stumbled onto an earnest, caring girl assuming there’s not a major deception at play (which I think is probably rare, because why bother?). And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

So anyway, I’m sure you’re right, she’s probably using you for your emotional support. I’d block her ass.[/quote]
Damn, I feel like a cunt now.[/quote]

Haha, sorry! Just another viewpoint - do what you want with it.

I do agree that chemistry is important and that ultimately the question is whether or not you click in person. But a nice friendship is a good basis for things in case you do click when you meet. I don’t see that you have anything to lose here. I like your keep-engaged-but-pull-back-a-bit plan.[/quote]
Thanks, I’ll let you know how it goes… so, come here often?

79

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I’m in this phase where I’m discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i’s really hard for me because I’ve been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don’t care about anyone. I just want you to know it’s not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it’s getting better because it’s getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I’m sure this is all stupid and I’m asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

[/quote]

So what you appear, on the surface, to have here is a girl who recognizes that the combination of the death of her father and the breakup of her first significant relationship have thrown her for a loop, and who recognizes that she needs to be emotionally stable before embarking on a new, potentially serious, relationship.

*She loved her father and misses him, and recognizes her need to grieve.
*She believes that the breakup of a relationship she had for a significant portion of her teen years is a solemn event.
*She expresses a desire to present herself well for you and asks respectfully for patience.

You, on the other hand, are talking about having had one major serious conversation with her that had anything to do with a need for support - though I would say she was telling you stuff that’s important to her given the follow-up text, not seeking support - but you were too stoned to really remember the details of that support. Otherwise she’s kept it light. So how are you her emotional support?

As for dominance, the genuinely self-confident person has no need to carefully guard against being perceived as weak. He is comfortable with his shortcomings because he likes and respects himself despite them, and assumes that others will, too.

You seem to have stumbled onto an earnest, caring girl assuming there’s not a major deception at play (which I think is probably rare, because why bother?). And one whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

So anyway, I’m sure you’re right, she’s probably using you for your emotional support. I’d block her ass.[/quote]
Damn, I feel like a cunt now.[/quote]

Haha, sorry! Just another viewpoint - do what you want with it.

I do agree that chemistry is important and that ultimately the question is whether or not you click in person. But a nice friendship is a good basis for things in case you do click when you meet. I don’t see that you have anything to lose here. I like your keep-engaged-but-pull-back-a-bit plan.[/quote]
Thanks, I’ll let you know how it goes… so, come here often?
[/quote]

Uh, no. No, I don’t.

80

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]ChicagoLad wrote:
Thanks, I’ll let you know how it goes… so, come here often?
[/quote]

Uh, no. No, I don’t.[/quote]

Lol