Honestly I can’t take this anymore. Zoloft is horrible. I’m not even able to function. I don’t feel hunger, thirst, or anything besides sadness. I don’t have any hope for myself, but I’m too numb to feel the emotional arousal required for me to hurt or kill myself; so I’m stuck here. I might hire someone to do it for me, the deep web is an interesting place.
Also, I’ve gotten a combined 6 hours of sleep over the last 2 days.
What happened to the stimulants that made you feel like king of the world?
The short answer is: I ran out, and was left to deal with Zoloft’s debilitating effects by myself.
Adderall is fucking awesome, but even the 10 mg is too strong for what I need it to do. There’s a certain sense of euphoria associated with it, when I really should only be looking for something to help me focus and counteract the general cloudiness and almost complete lack of focus I experience on a daily basis.
@flappinit you were right, they’re too good to not have. I’m gonna probably get prescribed Modinafil or Focalin, rather than Adderall, because the abuse potential for addys is just too high. It’s too good.
Update: Focalin is nice. It doesn’t make you speed, it just makes you focus. Almost no addictive properties are associated with it either, so that’s nice to know. Definitely going to go with this for daily use once I get it prescribed.
Okay. So, a positive life update for a change. The combination of psychiatry, therapy, and medicine seem to have given me a better perspective with which to base my reactions/anticipations upon. I was also prescribed 10 mg Adderall pills by my psych to have twice per day, with the strict instruction to NOT combine it with obnoxious amounts of caffeine. They, combined with the Zoloft, energize, focus, and calm me. I feel more confidence in my decisions and perceptions, I have a calmer mind, significantly lessened suicidal thoughts/no desires to end my life, and I am optimistic for my future more so now than I have ever been. I feel as though I am finally being removed from the dark trenches I’ve occupied for as long as I can remember. I finally own my brain, and I can use it to my advantage.
Case in point: my mother went on one of her usual anti-medicine benders and tried to get in my head, as she usually does. She then realized that I wasn’t showing any outward emotional signs of sharing the fear/anxiety she was trying to pass on to me, and she only became angrier. She is a literal ball of depression and anxiety, and I feel sympathy rather than intense hatred for her now. I hope she eventually realizes that she needs help, just like the help I’m getting. I can’t convince her of anything; because, much like me, her head logically disproves everything other people try to convince her of - simply because, as I’ve experienced for such a long time, the severe depression overpowers even the logistical center of your mind and uses your intelligence AGAINST you.
Going to train today.
I’m happy to hear the positive update!
I’m not a fan of meds, but I accept that there are situations where they are necessary. You definitely fit into that category right now and I’m glad you’re getting help.
She diagnosed me with ADD. Not sure what that means, but the Adderall doesn’t give me a high when I don’t mix it with caffeine. 
It also seems to help my anxiety and therefore my bladder and stomach. It’s refreshing, and makes me think that anxiety may have been playing a larger role in my gut problems than I cared to admit.
I can see how anxiety can mess with your gut.
ADD is the diagnosis for people who can’t focus very long or very well. The adderol helps with that. I heard stories back in college about people who didn’t need the meds, but would take them to study. They’d say they were excited to study and they’d stay up all night reading.
I’m really truly glad to hear that you’re feeling better. That post really improved my day. Enjoy training!
@Frank_C I usually can’t focus for more than seven seconds at a time, I’m prone to extreme anger outbursts, and I constantly feel painful sensations in my bladder and bowels, which is only perpetuated by the constant and overwhelming anxiety that I feel because I’m surrounded by it 24/7. The only reason I’m able to get good grades is because somehow I’m usually able to at least partially pull it together at the last second. Adderall changes literally all of that — I’m clear-headed, energized, focused, excited to socialize, confident, pain-free, and generally happier. No jitters, no adverse sides other than dry mouth (which really isn’t that bad anyway). It’s a miracle drug, at least for me. I just have to make sure I eat enough with it, because sometimes I’ll forget. I lost 5 pounds this week just from not eating and working my ass off. Learning is fun again.
In the last few days, I wrote two stellar college application essays, had 6 focused, productive hours of studying for the SAT, and set PRs (all while barely sleeping because the home responsibilities were ratcheted up as well). Pretty great, if you ask me…I just can’t mix it with caffeine.
@noahripstein thank you! It’s good to feel good.
Homemade SSB Squat (10)
45 x 10
95 x 10
135 x 10
185, 195, 205 x 10
225 x 7 + 3 — PR on any SSB
205 x 8 + 2
Giant Set
https://www.instagram.com/p/ByKTeAEHGwJ/?igshid=6i2y2odwxen8
Overshot the top set here, walkout was shaky and I just wasn’t strong enough. I found a weakness, I can hit it and get stronger. Potential to grind on these is higher than on Squats but lower than on an actual SSB, just because the straps can slip out of place and fuck up your balance. Either way, I was not feeling well today until I got my prescription and didn’t feel well enough to eat, so I’m happy with this, all things considered. Video coming soon, they went better and felt more secure than I expected them to.
All done in 45 minutes, hit more volume than last time in less time.
Alright! My mom pulled a fast one yesterday night and left because she was mad that I got my Adderall script filled. My dad almost got fired from his job, I ended up getting three hours of sleep, and I had my SAT today. Thankfully, I aced it. Math was awesome, writing/grammar was super easy, and reading comp was also good. I definitely broke 1500 this time around. Hoping for a 1530 so I don’t have to take this fucking test ever again. This was my third time!
Fuck yeah brother! Isn’t that like 99th Percentile type numbers holy hell.
Absolutely sir. Hopefully I made a correct prediction. Best case scenario is 1570-1580, worst case around 1530.
Finally got a training session in. Meds helping, stomach is getting better slowly but surely. I fucked up the SAT I thought I aced. Taking the ACT Saturday with more sleep and prep, so I’ll be fine.
Deadlift (4 mat?)
135 x 2 x 5
185, 225, 275 x 3
315 x 1
350 x 12 + 3 + 1 + 1 - PR, but more in the tank on a better day
https://www.instagram.com/p/ByYy372nZVh/
315 x 7 (no rest from last set)
KB Swing 22 kg 1 x 50
Box Jumps
Fixing setup, conventional deadlift is feeling more technically sound again. First rep was too close to my shins, but my lower back stayed straight the entire set. Mid/upper back rounds a bit instead, but that’s fine. BW at 160 pounds, and I’m actually 5’10" without shoes on! I’m happy I’m not too short. 
@T3hPwnisher thoughts on the set? Anything you’d fix?
Looks like you may be getting a bounce on a few reps. If so, try to prevent it, just so you get more training effect.
Honestly, I didn’t feel a bounce. I moved quickly because I just wanted to get the set overwith, haha. Honestly, pulling from the rack definitely felt harder.
But I should have been more specific in my question. Did you see any super ugly lower back rounding? I know for a fact that my mid/upper back rounded pretty significantly, but I’m really not sure about my lower back. Only asking because one of the purposes of doing PMT, at least for me, is to fix my technique.
My belt position was off for the set as well, so it might have been an issue as simple as that. I was experimenting, but generally, I wear it higher up on my abs with better results in terms of my positioning.
Nothing really stood out to me, but keep in mind I’m really not a technique guy. I’ve heard lots of folks say my deadlift form looks bad, and I literally don’t see the issue.
If you’re feeling strong and staying braced, it’s probably good technique.
‘Tractors don’t care about the opinion of lawn mowers.’ …that’s how that saying goes, right?
Alright. Took the ACT today, got a normal amount of sleep and felt physically alert and okay during the test. Thinking English and Reading are a 36 (I know I didn’t get any wrong on either of these sections and I’m not hallucinating this time), Science is a 30-32 and Math is a 34. All in all, shaping up to be a 34 ACT. Now I can finally say good riddance to standardized testing.