You’re still hitting PRs and growing in spite of this shit. Mark just gave you props for changing your attitude and you follow it up with “thanks, I hate myself”? You’ve gotta keep pushing, man. Death isn’t some sweet escape from life, it fucking sucks and I miss all my friends who OD’d and committed suicide and died in combat every day, because they could have all had it better.
Everywhere you go, there will always be someone somewhere who has it worse than you. My wife was born to a drug addicted prostitute and a man who eventually shot himself in the face during a drug-induced blackout. A lot of her life was hell, but she is a loving and happy wife and mother.
She never had access to proper
healthcare. You have doctors looking you over and a nutritionist and people actively trying to help you. I hope you’re aware how lucky having access to healthcare like that is. You have so much time to fix all this. In the mean time, just keep lifting and talking to people.
As someone who’s lived with gut problems their whole life I can understand your frustrations, it def is fucked. I must have missed it in your log somewhere, but what exactly is going on with the ol guts?
One part of me knows that what you’re saying is right and the other part of me that needs help it can’t get is telling me that I’m not your wife, who happens to be superhuman. To live through shit that traumatic and find a way to be happy is a rarity, not the norm…props to your wife for being stronger than my family. My parents had it bad growing up, so they just emulate their parents and take their shit out on me. I guess I inherited their attitude, too. Just one more reason I’d never, ever get married or have kids. I’m living through a fucking worst case scenario - parents who should never have gotten married had two kids, one of whom is 22, 5’9", 250 pounds, severely autistic, and could kick your ass and my ass put together with one hand tied behind his back. I’ve seen him throw three 250 pound men off him like they were little sacks of potatoes. He landed my mom in the hospital more times than I can count. My mom hates him, my dad, me, and herself. The only thing she likes in my family is my 7 year old dog. That animal is a replacement for her kids. And all this because they don’t wanna put him in an institution - so everyone suffers for it.
Her entire family is dead; both her parents got cancer and died horrible deaths, and her sister died from a brain aneurysm she got as the result of a blood clot moving from her leg to her head after she became a quadriplegic as the result of a pool accident in which she broke her neck. She hates herself, and she is not happy. She will never find happiness because she pushes the people that could help her away from her with insults and jeers, and attacks at the core of their self esteem and humanity. Because of this, my father is always angry, and he takes this anger out on me because he can’t take it out on anyone else. I have no positive relationship left with either of my parents. I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t felt safe in my own house. I’ll tell you something, I hate all three of them AND the fucking dog. I have so much hate built up that I can’t function. I find myself fighting the urge to kill my whole family on a daily basis. And I’d rather kill myself than live like that.
God damn it if I don’t feel like an absolute piece of worthless garbage for having those thoughts and for having no control over anything that’s happening in my life.
Flappinit, I hope you know that you’ve found yourself a rare fucking breed. I know I’m not as strong as your wife, and I never will be as strong as your wife. With that being said, I hope you don’t think I’m crazy. But, just know that my suicidal urges aren’t just coming from the privileged dude who’s excelling in school and is just going through an especially hard time right now. My entire way of thinking is perverted by my situation because the entirety of my life has been a nightmare. I really don’t want to be talked out of suicide because I know that I’d rather give in than live like that and be unhappy. I’m at the point where I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend because she is the only thing holding me back.
Yes, I realize that I just posted this on a public forum. Enjoy reporting this to the cops. Hopefully the VPN I’m using blocks my IP address. I should probably take my instagram and youtube off this log.
@I_Luc I have no idea and it scares the shit out of me because it’s painful as all hell.
You’re a rare breed yourself. I’m not telling you to hate yourself for having urges like that. I’m letting you know that it won’t solve any of your problems. Call your psychiatrist right now. I’m not going to report you to the police, because I think you have a place here where you can let out dark thoughts like this and the minute I break that barrier, you won’t feel safe talking about how you feel here. I don’t want that for you. I want you to reach out and get some help and keep working on your weightlifting club and setting PRs.
Also, I hope you don’t think my wife just got okay without having suicidal thoughts for years. I had literal suicidal urges for years myself. They’re not thoughts I WANTED to have, and you’re not asking for them. But you have acknowledged their presence and now you can fight them.
@flappinit You’re right, it won’t just solve any of my problems. It will solve all of them. Instantaneously. But I won’t be around to experience anything else. So, that’s the part I don’t like. I have to keep myself distracted if I want to see better days. I also don’t have a psychiatrist to call, unfortunately.
I apologize, I mistakenly thought you had mentioned having one at one time.
1-800-273-8255
24/7.
I’ve called 4, none of whom have called me back. And do you know how flooded that hotline is? I’ve called it a dozen times, had a half hour wait time for each. LOL
I do know they’re struggling, I remember there was a bill that was passed last year to improve it but they’re well short of proper funding. That sucks ass that it’s that clogged- for you and in general.
@EmilyQ actually IS a professional. I’m at the end of my usefulness in this instance, unless you just want someone to talk to, and I don’t want to frustrate you further by giving you cliche advice or avenues that you’ve already explored. Maybe she can suggest some alternate options for you to get some help. I didn’t seek proper help during years of depression and instead nearly ruined my life before it could begin with drugs and all sorts of bad decisions, and you’re reaching out and still lifting and doing way better than I was at this point, which is probably why you’ve already thought of the things I’m coming up with, haha.
@flappinit I’d probably benefit from some kind of antidepressant, to be honest. I’m not sure. I’d hope my depression could be managed in a way where I didn’t have violent or suicidal thoughts constantly. Because man…that last post was…hold on I’m deleting part of it…
Okay. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably shouldn’t be freaking out over my colonoscopy results…I should be happy. Because I realized that if there were no signs of inflammation in my bowl when the colonoscopy was taken, that would point to an intolerance rather than a disease (especially since I flushed my entire bowel system out yesterday…there is no residue left there).
I’m thinking the culprit is nuts, because I ate a LOT of them every single day in an attempt to comply with my whacked-in-the-head nutritonist’s diet while still feeling satiated. I’m gonna cut them out for the foreseeable future; seeing as how two days into not eating my symptoms are strangely absent (aside from some painful bloating, cramps and gas from the procedures I got done today).
Maybe life is looking up. Here’s hoping. The new diet will include soft-boiled eggs, chicken, bananas, rice, and steamed veggies for now. I’m just not gonna eat like an asshole and listen to my body; and add foods accordingly (on my list in this order are: beef, oatmeal, lactaid, and bread). All mild stuff with a good nutritional profile.
Have you been checked for internal fungus? Seriously…
No, but it honestly doesn’t sound too far-fetched to be true.
Check out fungal detox diets. I did one 10+ years back…
Here is a basic primer…
More bull…
YES, dude. You switched up your views and chose to look at the positive side of things instead of the negative! That’s HUGE! Also, even if you feel like your new diet is a bit bland and not conducive to growth, remember that you hit PR’s while shitting like a soft serve machine, so you weren’t retaining whatever excess nutrition you were taking in anyway.
I’m really pleased to read that you’ve worked through some of the disappointment over the colonoscopy. I worked for several years in a large primary care practice, and saw this often - people wishing for a diagnosis to the point that they WANTED to be told they had some dire disease, just to end the uncertainty and have a clear direction to go. But of course you’re absolutely right that this is a positive, it eliminates dire and allows for a minor issue which, once identified, will be a pain in the ass, but nothing more.
I will join @flappinit in noting that the damage you leave behind should you decide to kill yourself will be profound. You will change your GF forever. She will never get over it, ever. People you don’t even know care about you will carry it as a profound failure for the rest of their lives, and will be jumpy and weird around friends’ and kids’ and partners’ unhappiness, because they will always be aware that sometimes people kill themselves when they’re unhappy. Then it ripples outward, because their friends and family can’t talk about being unhappy without someone freaking out.
If (when) you’re feeling as you did last night, you should go to the emergency room. Ideally, though, you’ll get set up with a therapist and start working with him or her so that you don’t get to this place. A psychiatrist is not the first step, probably, though when you say you’ve called 4 you may be talking about non-prescribing therapists (psychologists or licensed clinical social workers). I’m told all the time (ALL THE TIME) that people don’t get calls back from therapists they’ve reached out to, and all I can say is WTF with them, and I’m sorry. Keep trying. Probably the best thing to do is talk to your PCP about it, and be honest. Only an idiot is calling the cops because someone has said “I was pretty dark last night, and started thinking about suicide.” They’ll want to know if you’re still there - be honest. Your worst case is a crisis assessment, and from there the hospital if need be. The doctor can prescribe antidepressants. Psychiatrists are not thick on the ground, so they’re not usually the first line of defense. They’re for people complex enough that the PCP doesn’t know where to go. Your PCP may also have recommendations for therapists.
Suicide hotlines are typically volunteer run, whereas crisis lines are generally run by the county (community mental health) and have paid workers, who are generally masters level clinicians. I really only know what goes on where I am, but I have to imagine they have these in all communities. They’re who the cops give people to when they believe there’s credible risk. They can help figure out a plan, and depending on your community’s system may be able to help you get services more quickly.
I don’t know you, but my sense from the posts of yours I’ve seen along and along is that you’re forward-going, by which I mean you’ll climb over things to get to your goals. Unfortunately looks like your parents are more likely to throw up their hands in despair and just accept misery. Work to maximize your innate attraction to health (mental and emotional as well as physical) and try to be aware of when you may be acting out your parents’ response set. You’ll have to unlearn it.
Also, there’s probably a connection between stress and your stomach issues. That’s not to say the stress is causing them, but that it may be triggering or worsening whatever is going on. This is hopeful, because as you get out into the world and are more in control, you’ll be happier and better able to manage stress.
And just keep talking.
@flappinit, my sympathies and admiration to your wife and congratulations to you, because she sounds like a good one!
@flappinit yeah, that’s gonna be a huge factor too…keeping a positive attitude is gonna be my saving grace, even when shit gets bad. Thanks for helping me out. On a more positive note, I’m emailing my club proposal to the admin today. It’s almost 100% approved for next year, all I need are 10 signatures. Hopefully we’ll be able to find some strongman comps/powerlifting meets in the surrounding NY area and compete. I’d love to compete…I just haven’t had the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, that will change.
And honestly, my diet now will probably reduce the frequency and urgency I’m having in the restroom; which should bode well for both weight gain and feeling normal. My urinary symptoms are already almost gone, the only residual side effects I have left over from my colonoscopy are indigestion (because I was shitting out bile two days ago), bloating, some gas, a stomachache, and what feels like constipation (but is probably just cramping mixed with there being no available waste to pass). I’m megadosing probiotics, so hopefully this issue should rectify itself. I didn’t even get to talk to my GI before I left the hospital because apparently my mom talked to him FOR me. I guess they decided not to rouse me until too late. But, WebMD said to expect pain for up to 5 days. It’s prety noticeable, to be honest.
@EmilyQ thank you. I’m sure stress is causing my gut issues, and I’ll take your advice and call more therapists. I’m hesitant to go on medicine if I don’t need to, but maybe I need to. 
based on what I wrote yesterday I’m thinking I might have to. I try to get where I have to go because I know I need to get there, but sometimes giving up just looks so appealing. Luckily, I haven’t given up yet.
You might view medication as a for-now thing. I think you have two issues to deal with: one is your medical situation, which I don’t think is caused by stress, but rather worsened by it; and the other issue is that your parents have not taught you or modeled good coping skills, so you’ll have to seek these out, presumably through therapy.
Those issues are both resolvable, the question is do you need the meds to offer some support while you work on those things. I don’t have the answer to that, but talk to your doctor.