Funny Things Said In Court

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Thanks for that, very funny.
Duke

haha, that last one was money.

Your honor, in our case we will first show that my client never borrowed the plaintiff’s car, second that it was not damaged when he returned it, and third that the damage was already present before he borrowed it.

I was on my school’s Law Day competition team as a lawyer, so our sponser took us to a courtroom to see how a real trial operates. About two minutes into the proceedings about some complicated shit that I don’t understand, I am suddenly awoken by this.

Judge: What is your relation to the plaintiff?
Defendant: I am her daughter.
Plaintiff: Objection, your honor, that is not my daughter.
Judge: Who is it then?
Plaintiff: A man impersonating my daughter.

The case was dismissed after a couple more minutes of clarifying exactly how the plaintiff can tell that it is, in fact, a man in incredibly good disguise pretending to be her daughter for no discernable reason whatsoever. It was great.

I used to go to the courthouse occasionally, to watch a few cases, usually the first appearances by the riff-raff in their mac-jackets ( known as Surrey sport coats by the locals ). One day, I was watching a trial of a hooker who had been set up by a cop posing as a john.

Obviously the cop and the prosecutor had rehearsed the questioning, as the cop answered every question immediately, and precisely. I guess the cop lost his place, because all of a sudden, completely out of context to the question asked, he blurted out, “felatio, oral sex, your honour”. Everyone laughed, including the prosecutor, the judge, the hooker, and her pimp, who was in the audience.

Also, when my buddy was on trial for impaired driving… during the trial, the judge asked the prosecutor what blood alcohol reading he had. The prosecutor said sheepishly, “your honour, i can’t seem to find my paperwork on that.” The judge says to the arresting officer, “you have a copy, don’t you?” The cop replied that he seemed to have misplaced his. So, the judge says to buddy ( the defendant ) “You have a copy, don’t you?” And buddy replies, “Your honour, I’m not even sure I ever got one.” And BANG, it’s case dismissed.

|/ 3Toes

[quote]chinadoll wrote:

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. [/quote]

You gotta say that one out loud for the full effect.

hahaha! too funny! :slight_smile:

Chinadoll. Now it’s you I’m thanking for my morning laugh. Nice way to start the day…coffee and laughter.
Thanks.

[quote]StevenF wrote:
haha, that last one was money. [/quote]

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Oh yes, as a medical professional, I love this one! Especially some of the ludicrous things that the legal field finds “negligent”. Haha…

[quote]chinadoll wrote:
StevenF wrote:
haha, that last one was money.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Oh yes, as a medical professional, I love this one! Especially some of the ludicrous things that the legal field finds “negligent”. Haha…[/quote]

Chinadoll,

How many lawyer jokes are there?

3–the rest are all true stories.

[quote]ScottL wrote:
Chinadoll,

How many lawyer jokes are there?

3–the rest are all true stories.

[/quote]

Haha…my blonde roots, I had to think abou that one for a moment!!

I was performing a RCRA compliance evaulation inspection at a GE plant a couple of years ago. One of the requirements for a facility like this is that they train their employees in proper hazardous waste management. The person who performs this training must be qualified to do so by having RCRA training themselves and be able to show documentation for it.

The GE environmental rep was somewhat new to the company and this was her first EPA inspection. She was scheduled to go on vacation the next day and was getting a little antsy that we were taking up her time and burning most of her day (all our inspections are unannounced).

When I got to the questions about the RCRA training the interview went something like this:

Me - Has GE trained their employees in hazardous waste management?

GE rep - Yes.

Me - I’ll need to see that training documentation. Who performs the training?

GE rep - I do.

Me - What makes you qualified to perform the hazardous waste training?

GE rep - I’m a lawyer.

Me - (silent pause)…uh,so? What makes you qualified to perform the hazardous waste training?

GE rep - (again) I’m a lawyer.

Me - (I look at my partner and try to refrain from busting out laughing)…that’s very nice, but that doesn’t make you qualified to give the RCRA training. Have you ever been to any sort of RCRA training seminar or course?

At this point she just tried to argue that because she had been an attorney for the company for a couple of years, she was qualified to do anything.

I cited the company for it. Later I found out she lied about some storage issues and she narrowly dodged criminal charges. The company had to pay a penalty and do generator closure on their illegal unit.

Last I heard, she no longer works there.

Cool story Gojira!