“IT’s like Handi-capped people and matches. They love to play with matches but the fact remains when there lookin at you with that one lazy eye it dont make ya feel any better about yourselves.You dont wanna let em build a huge fire right?? Just big enough to burn themselves thats how they learn, which is why the smoking section is off limits to crazy ray. Our insurance is through the roof!!”
Guys, this is fucking hilarious, with best lines honor going to BFA, with an honorble mention to Chris merrow. I think I just pissed myself. This stuff reminds me off the stories told by Grandpa simpson. Those are the best for ending a conversation with someone you don;t want to talk to.
Groove
“ITs like a blind hunter in the woods.He has to be a good shot because if the deer runs off he’ll have a hell of a time finding it. Not becuase hes blind, but becuase he cant get a drivers license if he cant pass the eye exam. And if he can shoot a dear my friends, maybe WE…are the ones that are truely blind.”
I’m sure you all read this morning’s production report. Congratulations are due to Finnegan, our top numbers pusher for the last thirty days. Finnegan, the pride I feel for you swells within my bosom like a nest of gaseous bees. I’m not talkin’ bumblebees. I’m talkin’ LETTER B’s. Yes. The most delicious letter of the alphabet. Besides the number 14, of course, but now we’re comparing breadbags to nutsacks, aren’t we? Anyway, Finnegan - you’re fired.
A good one to end a conversation is: Yeah, but have you ever smelled cheeeese?
You have to say it with a redneck accent for the best effect.
“I used to break those automatic punching machines they used to make.”
“You can’t be importing elephants and building bridges simultaneously”
“Its like eating ghosts… but not as fibrous.”
“That’s about as useful as a suitcase made out of a goat’s ass.”
Here was a real one by Gen. “Stormin’ Norman” Schwarzkopf:
“Going to war with France is like going hunting without you accordion.”
I’m sure that can be adapted to many situations.
I know, this one isn’t a mixed metaphor ar anything of the sort, but I’ve used it to good effect to end some very loooong debates:
“You can’t polish a turd.”
“If you go duck hunting and don’t catch any fish, what are you gonna do?”
“It’s like wearing clean underwear” (Smile…nod…say “right?”)
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
~ Scott Adams
P.S
Shouldn’t we be working?
The Scottish are famous for stuff like this. Here’s one my Scottish grandmother used to say when describing an overcast day. “There’s not enough blue in the sky to make a pair of trousers for a cat”.
It’ll feel better when it stops hurting.
Almost always said by my dad, to me, after a reeeeally long run. damn colonels.
Baby Faced Assasin – Thanks for the biggest laugh I’ve had in a long, long time. I’ve quietly read almost everything on the T-Forums but never posted. But BFA that crap was sooooo funny I had to post.
Nice Job!!
I had a brain fart with the Schwarzkopf quote. It should be:
“Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.”