F$#%!*&^ DEVIL SOAP!!!!

Off Topic
1

Okay, this takes a while to explain, but I have everyone’s best interests at heart. You should be grateful that I don’t get embarrassed, as if I did I may never have enriched your lives, and averted potential catastrophe with this tale.

Tonight, while showering, I ran out of my usual bar soap. My girlfriend has a big bottle of that Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap (hereafter referred to as “Liquid Evil”), so I thought “What the hell, it smells okay, not perfumey at all, so I’ll give it a try.” RIGHT!

(For anyone interested, Dr. Bronner was a health nut who preached his own religious faith. And I mean NUT-completely looney. His nonsense rantings like “All God One Faith” and “WE’RE ONE! ALL ONE! EXCEPTIONS ETERNALLY? NONE! ABSOLUTE NONE!” are all over the bottle. That should have been clue #1, but I digress. Hey, it’s popular soap. Lay off.)

After shampooing, but before rinsing, I carefully lathered my (ahem) nether regions, soaped my legs, and then applied a generous amount to my feet. I’d been barefoot all day and figured they could use it. Well folks, Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Evil, when applied to ones (ahem) nether regions, BURNS LIKE NAPALM. I began feeling what started off as a nice tingle, but in oh-point-three seconds turned into “Peppermint Hell”. So, I started doing what my girl now calls the “Dr. Bronner Peppermint Soap Dance”, which ironically looks EXACTLY like the “I’ve Got Tiger Balm On My Balls Dance”.

In addition to burning like the fires of Hell, Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Evil apparently makes one hell of an industrial lubricant. I felt my toes involuntarily flex and fight for purchase on the tub floor. Now I know what you’re saying to yourself: “Soap is slippery, DUH!” You don’t get it. This stuff is slicker than Teflon. You could use it as an oil treatment in your car.

You can probably see where this is going. The combination of soaped feet, burning balls and (ahem) nether region, coupled with my own cursing of Dr. Bronner as a plague unto mankind caused me to pitch ass-over-teakettle into the tub. (Note to self-your head is NOT as resilient as cast-iron.) The resulting sound sent the cats scurrying downstairs for cover.

I lay there still being sprayed by the unforgiving showerhead and laughed hysterically at the absurdity of the situation. A thought occurred to me: "How do I explain this to HER?" Just then, my girlfriend threw the shower curtain aside, took one look at me laying in the tub and asked “What the hell are you doing?”

This never happened with Ivory.

2

Dude, that is up there on the top 5 funniest stories I have ever heard. I’m roflmao. Let this be a lesson… keep mint in your mouth not on your n… nether regions. My god that’s funny… anyone who has ever had a crazy girl put tiger balm on them and then somehow or another… it migrates… knows exactly what you went through… I wish I could recommend a good doctor to you… they didn’t use tubs to hide from bombs for nothin’:stuck_out_tongue:

3

LOL!!! Dude, this is too much! I was having a pretty lousy night but your story just made my night. Hope you feel better.

4

HA HA HA!!!

I’m sorry, Demo Dick. I have to laugh. I know you too well and this story is a good one. Thanks for sharing.

5

I must laugh heartily at your predicament. Har Har Har!

Uh, some people should never be allowed to play with soap *cough, cough* *ahem* *wink*. NOT pointing finger at anyone.....

6

I just spit Jim Bean all over my monitor. That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

7

NIce try Demo, but I know the real story. You started dating Bionic, couldn’t take it, and attempted to commit suicide by the most novel means possible. Only it didn’t work.


C’mon now, fess up.

8

LOL! That reminds me of a story I read in FHM, about a guy’s dog. It hada nasty flea infestation so the little yorkshire terrier was on te heath being petted by the woman owner whilst she applied the flea spray. This ignited like a hair spray flame thrower setting the dog’s belly and testicles on fire, at which point it raced around the room for 10minutes before they could douse it’s flaming nuts with water.

9

Ahahahahaha–that’s funny! I sure hope your (ahem) nether regions have recovered. :slight_smile:

10

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I will now have a hilarious visual of the Great, the One and Only Demo Dick writhing in a tub of Devil Soap to sustain me through the dreadfully dull meetings today. That tale made my day and hopefully your GF made it all up to you afterward with careful ministrations to the pained (ahem) nether regions.

11

Nice try Demo but we all know that your pea shooter got burned because your girlfriend forgeot to remove the cigar from her mouth.

12

Thanks, for the laugh Demo… I actually laughed outloud and had all my co-workers staring at me. herc

13

Ok… first of all, I am taking a class all week and we’re on break. Everyone in here is staring at me while I laugh myself silly. I was there for the event, but the retelling is even better!

Second: the soap is NOT THAT BAD. I actually like it. (And use it daily) I guess Demo is just... sensitive. *evil grin*

Third: There is no such thing as 'private time' in the bathroom at my house, if you shut the door the cats sit outside and yell. Does anyone else have this trouble?

Fourth: I DID say 'what the hell are you doing', but only after I saw him laughing. When I arrived I was worried, but then I just thought he was being weird.

Finally: The purple lump on his forhead is very cute.

14

smacks Avoids in the head

*rolls eyes*

15

O.K. Since Demo brought it up, I thought that I would share a story of what our father (Dirty Huey Sr., father of Demo Dick), did once, and this might shed some light on why Demo Dick is the way he is.

Our father is a great guy. The kind of guy who would do anything for you, but is kind of, shall we say, lacking in the social graces and CAN be kind of thick in the head (“Instructions, who needs instructions?”). Anyway, dad came out of the bathroom one afternoon and announced that he was out of deodorant but that he found some of “Mom’s” spray-on stuff so he was o.k… Mom promptly told him that she didn’t have any spray-on deodorant and he said, “Well what the hell was that I just used?” He then added, “What is F.D.S.?” When I told him that “F.D.S.” stood for “Feminine Deodorant Spray”, he just stood there, with a VERY confused look on his face. I elaborated, "Dad, that’s for “down there on women” and I pointed at his crotch. “OMG!” he yelled and ran back into the bathroom and I heard water running. Funny, after that, I think his breasts began to swell. And our sister kept her more “feminine items” in her bedroom.

This goes a long way to explain why Demo Dick is the man he is. Just don’t ask him about a certain oil lotion for your hands that the old man kept in the bathroom. This isn’t the first time he’s burned his balls.

I think he likes it.

Dirty Huey

16

Nope. If you were here I’d slap you. :slight_smile:

17

Maybe instead of sending you that copy of Origins #6, I should send you a nonstick bathtub mat. Hell, I’ll just wrap the comic in the mat and send it to you.

18

…I meant NONSLIP mat…

Patricia :-)

19

That is so funny! It reminds me of a similiar story…I don’t know if any on you have ever used/seen the products made by a company call Kama Sutra but they have one called “Pleasure Balm”. I decided to purchase this product as a special treat for my then boyfriend. I tasted it first (minty and refreshing!), and then after a date I whipped it out. He was more than game, so after working him up with a little oral lovin’, I started to massage the pleasure balm in. “how does it feel?” I asked. “hmmm,” he said, “it is interesting, kind of…of…oooh ooooooh oooooh…!!!” at this point his voice reached a pitch I didn’t think humanly possible and he curled into the fetal position and rolled from side to side while clutching his jewels. Then he started waving his hands, trying to fan them while at the same time alternately blowing in their direction and panting, AH AH AH AH. Finally he jumped up and ran to the bathroom, when I caught up with him, he was on tippie toes, back arched, with his business dangling as far into the sink as he could get it while he tried to splash water on it. By this time he was laughing but with that pained, ha ha ooh ooh ha ha cadence. Finally he made it back to bed where he sprawled on his back with his legs spread as far as he could spread them (like a frog with the knees bent) with a cold washcloth between his them. It is cracking me up thinking about it again…

20

He said they should change the name to Pleasure Bomb.