I’m probably going to just incorporate everything Mark and yourself have said. So most likely I won’t be testing anything until next year, which is fine. I just don’t like feeling this anxious whatsoever.
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But…I get nervous lol
That’s probably the smartest thing I’ve read today
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LOG # 159
Jump rope 25 mins.
LOG # 160
Squat
135x5
165x5
200x3
215x5
250x5
280x6
305x2
Assist: leg press 225
3x12
Hip adductor: 100 AMRAP
Secondary: hanging leg raises 10x5
I warmed up a bit differently but I’m glad I did so because my hips were as happy as could be after training. I just did leg presses with no weights and went back and forth between 100 lbs just to get everything warm. Then I did lunging and deep squatting until I felt good. Lower back also felt really good. Score one for meh!
The adductor exercises help a lot. Have no idea why I didn’t start doing those earlier.
I also don’t know what heck is going on in my left leg concerning jump rope. But once again I’m getting shin splints from this. Whyyyyyy can’t I have this ONE thing? Whyyyyyy.
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Safe place here!!!
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Lol Timeslips from the drag strip don’t lie.
Then again… There’s plenty of “10 second” cars out there that might break into 15’s…
Great log. Get new friends at the gym 
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LOG # 161
20 min jump rope circuit
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LOG # 162
Deadlift
135x5
155x5
185x3
230x5
265x2
295x2
310x1
Assistance:
Rack pulls: 335 3x3
Back extensions: 100 3x12
Secondary: hanging leg raises 4x10
10 min jump rope circuit
Got complimented on my lifting. Technically he was a personal trainer. Pretty ripped guy. What annoyed me was that he spoke of another personal trainer who sees me, and he said he commented on my weight. The original personal trainer said that he stood up for me and told the other guy that’s not okay to say things like that. I do realize I’m in not small, or slender, but it seems to me that you don’t compliment someone and then interject with other shit people say. Just stick to the compliment.
I don’t know what it is, but I seem to pick gyms that freaking suck. Probably just gonna find another one. I’ve been self conscious of my weight, even when I didn’t need to be for years now. I try not to really think of it, except for keeping it in check, but the last thing I want to start obsessing over is, “am I fat? Am I really that fat?” Because it obviously didn’t do much for me in terms of where I have come from. I know I’m not that fat or severely overweight, I just have some fat that could stand to go. I’m also a bit tired of my husband calling me bulky. He’s heading for a foot in the ass. I have a goal, but I’m starting to want to put it on hold to start cutting down, but I’m doing so well. Usually I’d think this over and brush it off, but it’s been bothering me lately.
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Find a proper gym. If it’s a bit of a drive, don’t worry. It’ll be worth it. It doesn’t have to be a PL only gym, just somewhere you get strong people who put their heads down and work.
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I have a VIP pass, for fitness connection, so I’ll robably just find a different one, while looking for a new place all together
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LOG # 163
Jump rope circuit 25 mins.
I ended up relapsing last night.
I’m not blaming anyone except myself, but it started off as a whisper in my ear, and after a while I just kept repeating what was said yesterday well into the late night.
I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I cried. And I cried very hard. I know people’s words shouldn’t dictate how you respond or how you decide to finish your day, but I’ve been self conscious ever since I started recovery, and even before. And I shouldn’t be so fickle with my emotions. I’m usually not to say the least, but I have no idea what happened.
I have the skills to cope. I have the skills to continue, and manage. I’ve come this far and I know I’ll struggle. Kind of a given obviously. I’ve always kept a strong grip on reality in terms of progress, and well…anything else in life, but I’m still upset with myself. Because it’s extremely easy to go backwards instead of forwards.
Im upset. But at least I can target exactly what’s causing it, and what caused me to relapse in the first place. People are going to talk. Period. Let them talk. I’m just angry that I have to hit the reset button and start all over again. It’s time consuming, and I just want to be able to eat like a normal fucking person. But what’s more, I don’t want to be obsessed with society’s view on what’s pretty, or what’s beautiful. I’m just upset as all. I’ll be okay.
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FORGET THOSE PEOPLE!!!
You look awesome and STRONG AF!!! That is how people are supposed to look.
I have always struggled with my weight and how I look too, it is not fun.
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Believe me, I fully grasp body composition. I spent a good year of therapy drawing myself and seeing my proportions on paper in all it’s relative glory.
It’s just something about a mirror that shits on it. All over it.
I don’t think there’s any amount of size 0 or size 2 clothes that even compares to being this strong. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, or I’m a sensitive personality. Why get caught up on secondhand gossip? The dude didn’t even say anything directly to me.
Maybe I’ve watched too many YouTube videos, or browsed one too many Tumblr pages or Instagram pages in highschool. Now that I think about it, it’s going to take a very long time to dispel all of what I’ve done to myself mentally, over the course of 14 years. I realize that from the get go, but it’s those “in the now” moments that people talk about, that I fully sympathize with. I can plan stuff, write it down, ponder it, etc. But when it comes time to mentall, emotionall, and physically go through whatever it is, that’s what makes or breaks a person. In my case. I failed this test. But out of countless other tests this is but another learning experience. Most of what I’ve accomplished had to do with me, and what I do in solidarity.
Took me months before I could eat anything larger than the palm of my hand. Took me forever to eat in public with friends, took me years to stop counting calories even though I still remember the calorie count in almost anything, etc. But now it’s being okay with the vast human population and their opinions. Regardless of how stupid that opinion may be.
But what’s more I think it’s just a lack of understanding. From both women and men. So I’ll let that be, because it’s something I can’t fix, nor do I care to.
I’ve also realized a while back this whole thing is a process. Putting on muscle isn’t a fast process. There will come a time when I lean down, but I have to sort everything in order according to goals. I can get all obsessed over fat loss, but at the cost of my strength, and at the cost of regressing.
I’ve actually been practicing a new therapy technique. (I have huge books filled with vast techniques on a bunch of stuff) In particular this one deals with meta-cognition(thinking about how you think). In this specific situation for myself, it’s crucial for me to grab the first sequence of thoughts that are always the catalysts for the negative thinking I always resort to. Most times I can find them, and for me, it’s helps to bounce back with a mental question on why I think that. For instance I might say: “I better go weigh myself, or maybe it’s time for me to diet down a bit”. So i would ask myself, “Is there any particular reason why you feel the need to do that?” I’d give an answer, then I’d ask, “but what about such and such?” This usually leads to rationalization. If I can rationalize I’ve won. Of course this happens within seconds but you get the idea. The key is to carry on with it as long as you need to until you can reach a positive. I’ve stood in the kitchen staring off into space because I was trying to come to reason with myself lol. Of course in public situations or at work, you’d need to be fast, but that’s why you practice at home.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles, you just said so yourself that you do, so we’re all in this together to a degree.
Sorry for the rambling as well.
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LOG # 164
Full body 5x5
Standing military press press w/ 20s 5x5
Tricep dips: 5x5
Sit-ups: 3x10
Goblets squats: 5x5
Hip thrusts: 5x5
Push-ups: 5x5
Jump rope: 10 mins
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Your training is strong and fantastic, and you put a ton of heart into it. What stuck out in your log though is you mentioned you are a former/recovered- if that ever really completely happens–ED Chick ( Eating Disorder) -->ME TOO.
Internet high five from someone who understands the wild balance training and diet can be…I know how hard it can be for others to understand your limits or whatever self negotiation you gotta do to be safe about stuff. You’re doing GREAT!!!
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YAY! thanks for the support, and thanks for commenting on here. Always good to see an ED survivor kicking butt 
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LOG 165
Bench
75x5
95x5
115x3
140x5
160x3
180x3
185x2
190x1
Assist:
Compound rows: 115 3x12
Lat pulldowns: 100 5x7
Machine chest press: 40 3x10
15 min jump rope circuit
I have made the decision to stay at my gym. Mainly for monetary reasons (money is tight right now), and secondly…screw those people. And the group before them too. By Christmas I’ll be able to move gyms, and get some more supplies, so for the time being I will stay, and I will be happy darn it. As suspected it’s like my mom has mind reading abilities, so I informed her what happened, and now she’s panicked slightly, so she went out and bought me “safe food”. I’m fine in all reality, but she’s going to Mom, so I take it for all the caring goodness that is a Mom. Plus more food.
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