I think I might call it at this point. Wouldn’t say I’m overtraining at this point, but mentally, I’m pretty exhausted.
I feel smaller, but I think the correct word is having less fat. Stuff fits a bit bigger, and all that.
Weight is down to 195, and for the most part I think the weight jumping has evened out now. So I’ll probably just stay at 195, since I look the same when I was 15lbs lighter.
I’ll post a comparison picture when I muster up enough courage to.
Other than that I’m gonna switch back to my usual stuff. Really enjoyed running this program. Granted I didn’t finish it, but still. Learned quite a few things, and I’ll elaborate on everything I noticed in some later posts.
Pretty straight forward. Keep my usual movements 6x3, mostly keep it around the same weight, with complexes. I’ve chosen to use the Cosgrove’s Evil 8.
I’m more or less curious how complexes effect me. Since I haven’t done them consistently enough to notice. Most of my focus will be on them, but I kind of want to take it a step further and do 2-3 days with 6x3, and the rest just complexes.
Kind of got stuck for a bit and didn’t really know what I wanted to run, but have no decided on this. I started working again this week, and body has forgotten how unforgiving these concrete floors are at my job, so I’ve been sore for like 4 days from just standing and walking. I really didn’t want to try and train because I had a feeling I would’ve done more harm than good.
Kind of excited to try this. My workouts won’t be very long, but I’d like to use that to my advantage. I’d like to see if I can not have a rest day and still manage.
Been MIA. For good reason. Well I mean the reason is actually not good at all, but you get the point.
About a month ago, I ended up relapsing. Really hard. It was sudden, and I still can’t really pinpoint what it was that triggered it. At first I was really angry, scared, and confused. I managed to get in contact with my therapist that I used to see almost 7-8 years ago. She still remembered my name and everything. I refuse to tell anyone else currently. Only reason I’m telling you guys is because the dynamic of me not knowing y’all, and y’all not knowing me on a personal level, kind of gives a sense of understanding on a broader level. In my opinion.
Currently I’m seeing my therapist two times a week. She was nice enough to cut her rates in half for me, granted I don’t give a shit about the cost.
It’s hard for me to emotionally regulate at the moment, because I just…don’t want to. I’ve dealt with this shit already for 14 years and all the old feelings and urges and thoughts are ringing in my ears constantly now.
I’m desperately trying to keep my body in somewhat of a steady condition. A month ago I just immediately stopped eating anything to do with carbs. However, carbs for me at least can easily lead to horrible binge episodes, especially if I’m mismanaging them.
I’ve gone all the way down to 168 in a solid month. I’ve managed to keep as much lean mass as I can. As far as training and gym I’ve just stuck with a very plain and basic PPL type of scheme. 45 mins and I go home. Nothing crazy. Nothing heavy. I tried to kind of jump start my appetite with a heavier session and more or less hurt myself doing so. So I’m just trying my best.
I’ve kind of managed to get my calories under control. When I first relapsed I was managing upwards of 8,000 calories within one sitting, and doing away with it within the span of a couple of hours. Which was really fucking with my hormonal and digestive systems. Now I’m kind of evening out at 1200. I’m trying to stay above 1,000 so I can at least function at work.
Today wasn’t as hopeful as I wished, but I’m still here. I’ll try to log just to keep myself going. Other than that I’m okay. Just disappointed.
So sorry to hear this. I don’t have any advice other than to say we are all here for you. Whether it’s to sound things out or just unload or just to talk shit about stuff.
Today’s therapy session was nice. I really didn’t feel like talking about much. So we painted a bit. I appreciate that she actually hangs up her patients stuff. I like how she doesn’t force me to talk. If I don’t want to, she just suggests doing hands on stuff with me.
I’m currently off work for the next two days and I get paid tomorrow. I’ve appointed my husband to buying groceries without revealing to him as to why. If someone else gets the food, I don’t delve into obsessive behavior over it as much.
Gym was…okay I guess. I just wasn’t there mentally. And looked up and I had finished everything. Went for a walk later this morning, and I enjoyed getting out in the sun.
Have no idea where this strength and energy comes from to get through work.
Muscle cramps are aweful to say the least. Obviously eating more would just solve the issue.
I can’t stop thinking about how ironic and weird this…”condition” is. I honestly don’t even think of it as a condition…it’s just a fucked up mental state.
It’s like all my logic and reasoning is just going away. I don’t like being obsessed about food, I fucking hate it. I HAVE to eat it. There’s no other option but to eat. And I deny myself one the most basic necessities. How does this even make sense?
I was MIA on this site for a year and a half. Just got back and I never knew you were dealing with such demons when I frequented your log before.
I’m not sure whether I might be of any service to you from a support and understanding perspective but I’m a recovering alcoholic who’s been sober for 16+ years now although I had several of my own relapses in the years before 2003.
I offer an understanding of irrational behavior and the torment ones decisions can have on a psyche. I would not wish these challenges on my worst enemy so I pray you find the keys to your triggers and come out the other end with a renewed strength. Peace be with you, @planetcybertron
Damn Cyber been away from the log section a good week and them coming back to this.
Was wondering where you’d gone.
You know what you’re dealing with and have seeked for professional help, so I’m confident that you’ll bounce back soon. Just take it easy girl. Have you not even told hubby what’s going on? you and him have been through some rough times, maybe you should tell him…
Dunno if that’s a good thing, but ask your therapist.
Today was great until I arrived at work. Which is something I should note to my therapist, since I’m surrounded by large quantities of food.
It got to the point where I had to go home. I couldn’t concentrate properly, and started to become overly fixated on anything that came from the ready-to-eat (deli) department at our store.
Tomorrow is our annual inventory. In which we all stay late and count every last item our warehouse to record for reports. It hadn’t dawned on me until just now, and I’m anxious to the point where i can’t currently go to bed. Since our store is about 3/4 food and food related items, it’s a perfect storm to bring out obsessive compulsive behavior.
Still gonna keep my hopes up and just rely on my self control and any mental tactics I can come up with on the spot.
I’m just waiting for next week since I finally will be going to weekends only at work since school starts back. Gives me something else to focus on.
I used to run physicals for various companies all the time. Any way you can be a forklift driver, tag runner or variance checker rather than a counter?
At least that way you’re not face to face with the food for 12+ hours.
If you do get stuck as a counter try and focus on the SKU number and the barcode scanner or the hack numbers. Don’t think about what’s in the packages, they’re just widgets.
