Disagreement with Family Member

Off Topic
141

I’m the original poster.

Before we even visited my brother, he was sending emails about my Dad and “issues” that he had with him and other siblings. It’s non-stop drama with him. Even before we visited and decided to stay at his house (instead of a hotel), I told my wife- this can go really well, or this could potentially go haywire.

I was relunctant to visit but I had made a promise to him a year earlier, and when I make a promise, I keep it.

My wife says he’s a “co - dependent”. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s non stop drama with him.

Do I love my brother? Absolutely. He has a big heart but very opininated. He bosses around my mother in law and only daughter. He craves control.

In my mind, I’m not sure if I want to initiate contact. He lives on the East coast, I’m on the opposite side of the country. This is why I posted. I’m conflicted in my mind. My family has a tendency to talk to one sibling in order to have the message communicated to the other. I don’t want to play middleman. My wife emailed a heartfelt apology, in my mind, he should reach out back to her, versus me playing intermediary

142

Above- I meant to say he bosses around his wife and daughter

143

It seems to me that you are already pretty positive that you don’t plan to pursue reconnecting until he makes the next move. You know your brother better than any of us, and it’s up to you to gauge what the likelihood of this happening is. Only you can decide if you can deal with the possibility of him not being a part of your life. The rest of your family is where I would be concentrating on patching up, but opinions are like assholes.

144

[quote]Professor X wrote:
Is it possible that it IS a discipline issue?

Look, I see many kids like this (just treated one), and I swear in many of those cases, I am thinking there is no way in hell my mother would have allowed me to act like that…and she wouldn’t have.

If I hit a doctor as a kid while he was just talking to me, my mom would have put an end to that right then and right there…often with nothing more than a word because they had already set the rules years ago…but apparently a lot parents do not think the same.[/quote]

A friend of mine works with autisic children. They are bit, spit on, hit, other children are threatened. Her mother is a much more powerful (professionally) women in the behavioral industry. My friend is unable to discipline the children (literally, if you don’t establish dominance, you are fucked and forced to constantly chase after kids), while her mother, being a one on one person, is quite free to physically discipline these children (these are really hard children to deal with). Guess which authority figure has any real authority?

145

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]Professor X wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
^ I will say X that I agree to a point. But as clinicians we have to also be careful and not discount true disorders cause of growing miss management.

You do your due diligence and work through your differentials, and then you treat for effect.

I was 100% on the ADHD is an excuse, until 15 years ago when I married my current wife. Our middle kid has it, no ifs ands or buts.

If you take an amphetamine you are not supposed to get sleepy, just saying. [/quote]

Oh, I’ve definitely treated some kids who are out of control…but what I am saying is MOST don’t seem to be that way. MOST seem to be coming from these households where the parents thinks anything more than a soft gentle tone is “abuse” and who never does more in public than tell their kid to kindly stop stabbing the waiter with the steak knife before he bleeds to death…30 times.[/quote]

Do not disagree again, plus we both know we have others in the medical community that will “take the easy” road due to time constraints. Treating ADHD is a long process, takes a lot of time to do properly. Most Drs would rather just give the meds and get out in there allotted 5 minutes. Sad but true.

I think with the OP though he has stated he has taken his kids to multiple Drs and he may be getting push back from his family that has the same anti-ADHD mentality.

I mean there are people who truly believe that there is no such thing as depression and you can will yourself out of it. [/quote]

It’s probably a case where the meds give you the time and frame of mind to come to grips and/or change the source of your unhappiness. However, I believe that most “depressed” people are those married to the wrong job/spouse/level of sexiness

146

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
^ I will say X that I agree to a point. But as clinicians we have to also be careful and not discount true disorders cause of growing miss management.

You do your due diligence and work through your differentials, and then you treat for effect.

I was 100% on the ADHD is an excuse, until 15 years ago when I married my current wife. Our middle kid has it, no ifs ands or buts.

If you take an amphetamine you are not supposed to get sleepy, just saying. [/quote]

I know a dude who does exactly this. Takes it and passes out. Does this mean something to you (I tried google)

147

[quote]ghost87 wrote:
I’m the original poster.

Before we even visited my brother, he was sending emails about my Dad and “issues” that he had with him and other siblings. It’s non-stop drama with him. Even before we visited and decided to stay at his house (instead of a hotel), I told my wife- this can go really well, or this could potentially go haywire.

I was relunctant to visit but I had made a promise to him a year earlier, and when I make a promise, I keep it.

My wife says he’s a “co - dependent”. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s non stop drama with him.

Do I love my brother? Absolutely. He has a big heart but very opininated. He bosses around my mother in law and only daughter. He craves control.

In my mind, I’m not sure if I want to initiate contact. He lives on the East coast, I’m on the opposite side of the country. This is why I posted. I’m conflicted in my mind. My family has a tendency to talk to one sibling in order to have the message communicated to the other. I don’t want to play middleman. My wife emailed a heartfelt apology, in my mind, he should reach out back to her, versus me playing intermediary [/quote]

As for the OP, be a man, bring up the topic, and find out for yourself what the situation is. Stop waiting for confirmation that there is conflict, address it.

148

Sounds like your brother is a shit disturber. Do what is best for you and your kids. First, he’s not a doctor who treats this. You have consulted doctors . Second , if you haven’t read books by dr Daniel amen .
Third, no one hear really knows the whole story . They all have their little biases, including me, with no info other than what you told everyone here.
Educate yourself about this disorder if you haven’t, which I’m sure you did. Stand your ground. Is your brother in perfect health ? Is he overweight ? High blood pressure ? Good blood profile? Does he take statins?

You see where I’m going here. You don’t need that medicine , you just need self discipline . Same if he smokes, drinks etc.
You got a whole lot of opinions here. Some from people who have never had kids, who have had kids who benefitted from meds etc.
But none are qualified to render an opinion . Trust your process , doctors, and wife. Because at the end of the day only you and her have to deal with it.

[quote]ghost87 wrote:
I’m the original poster.

Before we even visited my brother, he was sending emails about my Dad and “issues” that he had with him and other siblings. It’s non-stop drama with him. Even before we visited and decided to stay at his house (instead of a hotel), I told my wife- this can go really well, or this could potentially go haywire.

I was relunctant to visit but I had made a promise to him a year earlier, and when I make a promise, I keep it.

My wife says he’s a “co - dependent”. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s non stop drama with him.

Do I love my brother? Absolutely. He has a big heart but very opininated. He bosses around my mother in law and only daughter. He craves control.

In my mind, I’m not sure if I want to initiate contact. He lives on the East coast, I’m on the opposite side of the country. This is why I posted. I’m conflicted in my mind. My family has a tendency to talk to one sibling in order to have the message communicated to the other. I don’t want to play middleman. My wife emailed a heartfelt apology, in my mind, he should reach out back to her, versus me playing intermediary [/quote]

149

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]roguevampire wrote:
Its funny, it seems every kid nowadays has ADHD. I find that amusing. Is that a way just for the big pharma orgs. to make more money? Giving kids drugs, is that such a good idea? people don’t realize, the medical community is to blame. They lower what the normal blood pressure or what the normal cholesteral levels should be. Why did they do this, so more people will fit in the hypertension or high cholesteral category. Now dr’s get to prescribe more drugs.

personally, I feel adhd is a bunch of crap, used soley to get more drugs into more kids and people in order to make more money. [/quote]

Lol. Did your parents have any children that lived?

When you have a stroke from your high blood pressure or a heart attack from your high cholesterol, please avoid seeking medical help. It will do the world a huge favor. [/quote]

You obviously didn’t read my post, did you? A normal blood pressure was like 130-140/80, that was considered normal for many years. then it was lowered to 120/80. Now, more people will fit in that category and will now be prescribed drugs they don’t need.

Same with cholesteral. They lowered what is considered normal. And its already been shown, that cholesteral is a giant myth. Google “The cholesteral Myth” sometime. The only purpose of lowering what is considered normal, is so more drug can be prescribed to more people. Anyone with half a brain can see that.

150

[quote]BeefEater wrote:

[quote]Tex Ag wrote:
Show of hands: How many people in this thread have severed ties with a close family member, meaning siblings, parents or kids?

How many who say f* em have ever done that and lived with that decision for a couple of decades or more?

This is turning into a thread of “what I would do” with little show what I have done.[/quote]

I’ve cut off my sister on more than one occasion for different reasons. We have always made up eventually but it was her coming to me. No one is saying that this will turn into a decades long issue so you don’t need to be over dramatic, most advice has been “He’s a dick, you shouldn’t grovel.” My opinion is that his brother is trouble. He stated himself that he is a source of drama and, based on his story, is also apparently manipulative. His obligation is to his wife and kids first now, not his brother.[/quote]

I was not intending to be overdramatic, cutting off people can very well mean forever. My family deals with this and has for over 20 years. It is different than when you do not just talk for a year or so. I was trying to help make the distinction you explained well. My inlaws family has a system of who talks to who to find out what. It is different when noone talks for 5 years at a time and some do not talk or even cares to hear about since the break.

Also, asking those who have experienced something rather than just opinions from the outside has become a regular, and I think actually important, part of this type of thread.

151

Sorry - hard to follow the thread. I was Driven to Distraction by the ADHD debate. j/k.

I am sure that you have your reasons for not wanting to bring this up with your parents,
but it looks like he beat you to the punch.

Without out knowing more, it looks like your two options are to let sleeping dogs lie or to talk to everyone.

Which option do you think will work out the best?

If he is a drama queen/king, then letting it go for now might be the best strategy.

152

[quote]Tex Ag wrote:
Show of hands: How many people in this thread have severed ties with a close family member, meaning siblings, parents or kids?

How many who say f* em have ever done that and lived with that decision for a couple of decades or more?

This is turning into a thread of “what I would do” with little show what I have done.[/quote]

I have. Not for decades, but for several years.

153

[quote]Tex Ag wrote:
Show of hands: How many people in this thread have severed ties with a close family member, meaning siblings, parents or kids?

How many who say f* em have ever done that and lived with that decision for a couple of decades or more?

This is turning into a thread of “what I would do” with little show what I have done.[/quote]

hand raised

154

[quote]roguevampire wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]roguevampire wrote:
Its funny, it seems every kid nowadays has ADHD. I find that amusing. Is that a way just for the big pharma orgs. to make more money? Giving kids drugs, is that such a good idea? people don’t realize, the medical community is to blame. They lower what the normal blood pressure or what the normal cholesteral levels should be. Why did they do this, so more people will fit in the hypertension or high cholesteral category. Now dr’s get to prescribe more drugs.

personally, I feel adhd is a bunch of crap, used soley to get more drugs into more kids and people in order to make more money. [/quote]

Lol. Did your parents have any children that lived?

When you have a stroke from your high blood pressure or a heart attack from your high cholesterol, please avoid seeking medical help. It will do the world a huge favor. [/quote]

You obviously didn’t read my post, did you? A normal blood pressure was like 130-140/80, that was considered normal for many years. then it was lowered to 120/80. Now, more people will fit in that category and will now be prescribed drugs they don’t need.

Same with cholesteral. They lowered what is considered normal. And its already been shown, that cholesteral is a giant myth. Google “The cholesteral Myth” sometime. The only purpose of lowering what is considered normal, is so more drug can be prescribed to more people. Anyone with half a brain can see that.[/quote]

And you clearly only have half a brain.

155

[quote]Professor X wrote:
Is it possible that it IS a discipline issue?

Look, I see many kids like this (just treated one), and I swear in many of those cases, I am thinking there is no way in hell my mother would have allowed me to act like that…and she wouldn’t have.

If I hit a doctor as a kid while he was just talking to me, my mom would have put an end to that right then and right there…often with nothing more than a word because they had already set the rules years ago…but apparently a lot parents do not think the same.[/quote]

If I’d hit a doctor when I was a kid, my mum would have gone mad and not allowed me to continue until I’d apologized to the doctors face. Then my dad would have gone mad, and my mum would have probably made me write a letter of apology, too. And I DO have ADHD.

156

[quote]Professor X wrote:
My opinion on ADHD is this; you would have to believe there is an EPIDEMIC of ADHD going on given the stats of kids on these drugs. How many here truly think there is suddenly just a whole country filled with kids who can’t pay attention and the reason is NOT related to how that kid was raised?[/quote]

As some one with ADHD I can attest to the fact that abstaining from caffeine, stimulants and sugary, shitty food, plus plenty of exercise can significantly mitigate the side effects. I brought up to know the difference between right and wrong and to be accountable for my actions. I remember when I was a little kid I knocked on next doors front door and ran off and they told my mum and she made me go round there by myself and apologize to the whole family.

157

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:

[quote]Tex Ag wrote:
Show of hands: How many people in this thread have severed ties with a close family member, meaning siblings, parents or kids?

How many who say f* em have ever done that and lived with that decision for a couple of decades or more?

This is turning into a thread of “what I would do” with little show what I have done.[/quote]

hand raised[/quote]

Ditto. Your wife and family, is your family. You raise it how you want to. When you leave the comfort of your home, and find a wife, you are now her protection. When she lived at her father’s home, he protected her. Now it’s your job. Too many family’s have wayyy too much baggage that only one sibling seems to be bothered by. That sibling often starts to see that things are different in the real world, and feel more normal. When that person attempts to break away and start to do their own thing, often the cycle of control from their “old” family reaches out and tries to pull them back in to their “old” role as sibling in that “old” family. But, when you marry and have children as a man, you are a Dad, not really a sibling anymore. Your old siblings are parents need to respect you and acknowledge that you will do things your own way.

We live 1400 miles from both our parents and old families. It is so much better that way. We don’t do all the stupid old habitual things they still do there. And we are happier because of it. My wife’s siblings tried to drive a wedge between us. It cost them 3 years communications with us. Cost them, not us. We didn’t miss it.

When an old sibling goes to your parents and starts crap for you, that shows they have not grown up and still consider them adults but stuck in their old roles at their old home in their old life. Everyone wants all family people to get along all the time, but truthfully, it happens less than half the time.

You gotta be happy. Nothing makes someone more depressed than trying to please other people all the time. If they are mature people, they should be happy themselves, and not push demands or disrespect on you. You are a man, you will make mistakes. But LEAD. It’s your job. Be respectful to your parents, cause they raised you. But as for the rest, get out on your own and lead. You’ll be much happier that way. More power to you.

158

[quote]buddaboy wrote:

[quote]Professor X wrote:
My opinion on ADHD is this; you would have to believe there is an EPIDEMIC of ADHD going on given the stats of kids on these drugs. How many here truly think there is suddenly just a whole country filled with kids who can’t pay attention and the reason is NOT related to how that kid was raised?[/quote]

As some one with ADHD I can attest to the fact that abstaining from caffeine, stimulants and sugary, shitty food, plus plenty of exercise can significantly mitigate the side effects. I brought up to know the difference between right and wrong and to be accountable for my actions. I remember when I was a little kid I knocked on next doors front door and ran off and they told my mum and she made me go round there by myself and apologize to the whole family.[/quote]

Man makes good sense. The one evil in the world is FRUCTOSE. And it is even worse for ADHD folks. It makes for cycles with death defying high peaks, followed by lower than low valleys where serious meltdowns and problems occur. There is sugar that works, it comes in apples, oranges, etc.

Budda, I have a question. Re: staying away from caffeine. I have heard and read that caffeine seems to make the world clearer and more manageable for ADHD, or maybe it was ADD people. Is that wrong? And when I say caffeine, let me clarify. I mean for adults and not children. And for adults, lets call it a cup of coffee. Whaddayathinkman?

159

[quote]txhawkeyes wrote:

[quote]buddaboy wrote:

[quote]Professor X wrote:
My opinion on ADHD is this; you would have to believe there is an EPIDEMIC of ADHD going on given the stats of kids on these drugs. How many here truly think there is suddenly just a whole country filled with kids who can’t pay attention and the reason is NOT related to how that kid was raised?[/quote]

As some one with ADHD I can attest to the fact that abstaining from caffeine, stimulants and sugary, shitty food, plus plenty of exercise can significantly mitigate the side effects. I brought up to know the difference between right and wrong and to be accountable for my actions. I remember when I was a little kid I knocked on next doors front door and ran off and they told my mum and she made me go round there by myself and apologize to the whole family.[/quote]

Man makes good sense. The one evil in the world is FRUCTOSE. And it is even worse for ADHD folks. It makes for cycles with death defying high peaks, followed by lower than low valleys where serious meltdowns and problems occur. There is sugar that works, it comes in apples, oranges, etc.

Budda, I have a question. Re: staying away from caffeine. I have heard and read that caffeine seems to make the world clearer and more manageable for ADHD, or maybe it was ADD people. Is that wrong? And when I say caffeine, let me clarify. I mean for adults and not children. And for adults, lets call it a cup of coffee. Whaddayathinkman?[/quote]

TX; I’ve always had a ‘thing’ with caffeine, but I’ve never drank tea or coffee, always ‘fizzy drinks’. Caffeine helps me a lot, because I rarely sleep well, and as much as it is good to abstain from caffeine, sometimes I need it. If, say I have college and I slept badly the night before, if I don’t drink a caffeinated drink I may as well not bother being there. Overall caffeine definitely helps me focus and concentrate better, my favorite source is the sugar free redbull. The worst drink ever are cokes and diet cokes, sucrose is awful…

160

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:

[quote]ghost87 wrote:

[quote]lewhitehurst wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:

[quote]lewhitehurst wrote:

[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
[/quote]

I said it the first time and I was right. Your brother IS an asshole. I know the type…lying in wait to offer their opinion. This shit doesn’t materialize in an instant like that…this shit bubbles under the surface. The tension was there…he was hiding behind a bush waiting to speak his piece and as I said before - your parenting of YOUR children and medical decisions ARE NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

And LOL about the whole theme of women having their place and such…and I thought I was a neanderthal.

LOL @ “get her out of my house”.

I’d leave, never to return. Fuck him.
[/quote]

Waiiitttt, isn’t that what you do in SAMA?