Sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough go of it so far brother. I will say this, the past does NOT dictate the person you are. I can tell you that for a fact. Who you become as an adult is your choice, and don’t ever let anyone or anything take that from you. Sure there are things you have to settle within yourself, but who you are…that’s up to you.
Here is a link to my story if you care to read it. I posted it on here a while back in hopes that it might help another member who was going through some bad stuff.
I will say one thing concerning your dad. Being a dad myself of two boys, and having walked with them through some very hard times, it’s hard sometimes to know how to be a good father to your children. You want to comfort them, and teach them to be a man at the same time, but there’s really no manual for how to do that. This is especially true if you never had an example of what a good father looks like when you were growing. There are no excuses for getting it wrong and it sucks for the child, ie you, but I’m saying this to let you know that it’s possible that your father cries behind closed doors sometimes because he doesn’t know how to help you. It’s also possible, in his raising, that he he thinks he will teach you weakness if he shows vulnerability in front of you and admits that to you. It’s also possible that he’s just a jerk…I don’t know.
What I’m trying to say is this…you can’t change your dad. You can’t change others around you. As a matter of fact, the only real power you have is to change who YOU are and how you allow the outside world to influence you. Right now, at your young age, you have unknowingly given that power over to those who damage you. You can take that back brother. It’s a power that you and you alone can only truly possess. If others have the power over you to drive you into a frenzy, then it’s a power that you have given them. They can’t take it. You just have to figure out within yourself, and realize how special and unique you are, the proper road to reclaiming that power over yourself, for yourself. It’s yours.
I’m here anytime you need to unload brother, and I could give a shit less about status or what light others hold me in. As an older adult (now 42) that has had to overcome his own demons, I get it. I wish nothing more for you than to see you take control of your self. Your own emotions. Your own fears. Your own life. I believe that you can do that. I believe that because I have lived it. You can too.